andrewimecs Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 Hello everybody, I have not posted in awhile but I will try to sum this up as best as I can without leaving out important details. If you read my recent posts they are a disaster and I obviously have some issues lol. Basically I fell for my best friend and we dated for 2 weeks, became friends again because she went back to her ex and still had feelings for him. About 2 months later she decides her ex is a pure ******* and should have never got back with him and decided to give our dating experience another chance. We did talk a lot in between this period so I saw it coming to be honest. Anyhow at the beginning it felt great and now I am having spells of confusion and I believe relationship anxiety. I like her so much but feel like I can never fully devote myself. Everything we do together I enjoy and we are basically a replica of each other in terms of things we like and the things we say. She is amazing and beautiful and man it blows my mind how things worked out. My problem is I keep having these spells of hot and cold. One day I wake up saying im so excited to see her and be with her and the next day I end up saying do I really like her? Is this right for me? I have a case of GIGS ( grass is greener syndrome). I don't like it and I guess I keep saying to myself I am young still I should explore even though I know shes awesome. I do not like that and I do not want to have that mentality. Also this may sound screwed up but I am looking for excuses to not like her. This is all because of my relationship anxiety. My inner voice says protect yourself because you do not want to get hurt. Basically I was in a 6 year relationship before this and got cheated on. I have never been this devastated in my life after that break up. Any dates I had been on after that it was impossible for me to not put this protection system up. I would find ways to not make it work in my head. She is ugly, she does this, she doesn't like what I like etc., but I also realize this should never be a factor in terms of finding the right match. It should all result in how you really feel about the person and not recognizing their flaws because everyone has flaws. Anyhow basically to make a big synopsis of how I feel. I like this girl a lot and do not want to let something good go. Should I let it develop and see, how do I stop putting up this firewall, Why do I keep getting hot and cold. I actually feel so ****ed because of all this. Another problem is I guess i am comparing my last relationship to this . I am trying to feel what I did with the last relationship which I know is impossible and wrong. I do not know how to naturally just go with the flow and stop comparing my feelings. It definitely is different. I am seeing a therapist because I feel like anxiety right now is the biggest factor. After leaving the therapist i feel good but as soon as I have one little negative though I spiral into negativity and start saying to myself this is not what you want. But I keep holding on because i like her, I like being with her, and just so many more things and can picture a future with her. The other day subconsciously I said I love you to her. I felt like I was not ready to say it but it came out somehow. I honestly regretted saying it and felt kind of turned off after saying it. I did not even want to have sex and felt like something was wrong with me and this was on the weekend. Ever since that happened I have been turned off from her. What the **** is going on with me. When i think of her now I feel like she is ugly now and I am lookng for all these flaws like why she gets annoyed or mad at certain things and try to use that to justify why being with her is not right, even though my heart says don't throw something that is good and you genuinely care about. By the way if this helps debunk this. When we first started seeing each other for 2 weeks I had the exact same thing. After she went back to her ex I obsessed over her and pictured my life with her forever and wanted her and was ready to love her and be in a relationship with her. When she got back together with me I went back to square one being negative and feeling ****ty. So I do know it has to do with my psychological stand point on relationships and my anxiety. If you want you can ready my recent posts from December which highlighted my obsessive attitude. I feel so messed up and need some clarification or help please.
Fair Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 Did you have a bad childhood? Neglect or abandonment... physical or emotional? it sounds like you have attachment issues due to something like this. In my opinion therapy doesn't work ... it allows you to talk things out and feel better in the moment but the underlying problem never seems be something just talking about can permanently eradicate from your system. You have to face your fears head on in order to get rid of them. It's tough, however. Childhood trauma can leave so much devastation in it's wake, and be very hard to work out. I understand how you feel.
sour_pikle Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 Do you have a hard time having "great sex" with the person your in a relationship with but if you hook up with random you enjoy it way more?
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 Why are you struggling with this? You are not compatible, that's why you are unsure, and find yourself thinking you are not that into her. Sure you find her fun and attractive, but if you want more of an emotionally intense connection, you need to keep looking. Right now you are just settling because they look good on paper.
Fair Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 Why are you struggling with this? You are not compatible, that's why you are unsure, and find yourself thinking you are not that into her. Sure you find her fun and attractive, but if you want more of an emotionally intense connection, you need to keep looking. Right now you are just settling because they look good on paper. He's struggling because it's been a pattern with him. Always goes into protective mode.
Author andrewimecs Posted March 21, 2018 Author Posted March 21, 2018 Did you have a bad childhood? Neglect or abandonment... physical or emotional? it sounds like you have attachment issues due to something like this. In my opinion therapy doesn't work ... it allows you to talk things out and feel better in the moment but the underlying problem never seems be something just talking about can permanently eradicate from your system. You have to face your fears head on in order to get rid of them. It's tough, however. Childhood trauma can leave so much devastation in it's wake, and be very hard to work out. I understand how you feel. Ya i have a as a child many times to the extreme as well....................
Author andrewimecs Posted March 21, 2018 Author Posted March 21, 2018 Do you have a hard time having "great sex" with the person your in a relationship with but if you hook up with random you enjoy it way more? No not at all we have amazing sex actually but i have terrible sex with hookups, so the reverse.
Author andrewimecs Posted March 21, 2018 Author Posted March 21, 2018 He's struggling because it's been a pattern with him. Always goes into protective mode. 100 percent, I got into protective mode with every girl I have been with since I was born.
Author andrewimecs Posted March 21, 2018 Author Posted March 21, 2018 Why are you struggling with this? You are not compatible, that's why you are unsure, and find yourself thinking you are not that into her. Sure you find her fun and attractive, but if you want more of an emotionally intense connection, you need to keep looking. Right now you are just settling because they look good on paper. Our emotional connection is massive actually and we connect on a very deep level to be honest. My intention was to keep looking with passed relationships and I did but this one feels much different.
preraph Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 To me, it just sounds like you want to win her but not keep her, like you only want her when she's taken. Now the chase is over, you don't feel the same way. Why that is is between you and your therapist.
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