jogaker Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 So I’ve been with my current boyfriend for just about 6 months. I have some serious trust issues due to past relationships. This far, my boyfriend has been very patient and understanding. He’s offered to let me go through his phone and done everything to make me feel at ease about his faithfulness. But i have so much anxiety built up around the situation. Sometimes i talk myself down and think he’s not doing anything and then it’s like these little voices creep in and start saying “he’s cheating. He’s losing interest. Get out now” and i freak out. Then i end up confronting him and he always does good about talking me down and resolving my anxiety. However i don’t want to keep beating a dead horse. I know if i keep confronting him he’s going to get aggravated and it will soon enough drive him away. Well here recently we’ve been doing great! But at the beginning of this month he had to leave the country for a month for work. He’s restorig power lines in Puerto Rico. The distance has been hard. He misses home, he’s working his butt off. They work 7 days a week for 12 hours. I know he’s tired and upset because he’s ready to come home. I try to be understanding but then i get in my head and think that he’s acting distant because of me. Then i get to thinking that the distance is making him change his mind about us. I am worrying myself sick and we still have 21 days until he’s home. Idk if i am over reacting and his change of mood is because of his current situation or if this trip has caused him to realize he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
heavenonearth Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 You need to relax. Breathe. And now tell yourself that you are a great human who deserves to be loved. There are plenty of reasons why this man chooses to be with you. You need to love yourself and accept the fact that you are desirable. Your man is loyal to you because he chose to be loyal. If you should ever find out he cheated, well, you can cross that hypothetical bridge once you get there. As for now, you two are in love and you need to chill. Check YouTube for EFT tapping for anxiety and jealousy. Try to work with some CBT strategies - for example, the moment you can sense a feeling of insecurity popping in, ask yourself if that feeling is truly justified — do you feel this way because your partner gave you reason to, or is it because you are projecting actions of past partners onto him? EFT tapping can help with that. I call it my “emotional check-in”. EVERYTHING you experience, all these emotions, i know them too well. The best you can do is train yourself to break these thought patterns and intervene before you verbally inform your partner about how you feel. Otherwise you may ruin a perfectly great relationship. Good luck. PM if you have questions. 3
Author jogaker Posted March 21, 2018 Author Posted March 21, 2018 How can i PM you? Sorry I’m new to this website
Highndry Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 My ex girlfriend poisoned our entire relationship with insecurity just like you have. I've never cheated in my life, but she was always paranoid about it, couldn't even stand it if I talked to other women in the normal course of business or life, and had a general suspicion of anything pertaining to other women. It was so toxic - she was so toxic.
todreaminblue Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 i can overthink things and think of worst case scenarios quite easily i have a vivid imagination......but my nanna used to tell me when i would panic as a child she would say "deb don't pull the cart before the horse".....you cant control what hasn't happened yet......my nan passed away but her words remain in my heart.....i see her face when i write them her beautiful face ...she has the softest face .the kindest saddest eyes...my own eyes are leaking again picturing her face.... ...i have such a clear image.....sorry..i miss her....i miss many people.... life is short you know......too short to worry about the things that havent happened...life is just long enough for the people you love to know you love them and for you to feel their love.........sometimes you dont even get to say goodbye...i lost all my grandparents without ever saying goodbye...except in a dream to one of my grandpas......so with this in mind... live your life with only good thoughts about the people you love tell them how you care often instead of worrying about what hasnt happened and probably wont ever happen ...remember his smile...his laugh ...his eyes when he looked at you last ...that warm kiss hello..the nights you just talked all night..remember all the lovely most wonderful memories and hold tight to those....dont fill your head with stuff that doesnt have to be there.... replace every negative thought you have with a positive memory you have and soon ....the panic/anxiety you feel will subside with the snapshots you remember that were special .....and you will feel peaceful.....because you will be left with only the wonderful.....and in 21 days that wonderful will be more new memories you create for the next time he goes away..write those special moments down ...journal often ...its amazing to release anxiety and worry if you get those bad thoughts out and make special note of the magical times.....capture those moments in words and keep them always........i wish you well...deb 1
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 He is not doing anything wrong. However if you continue down this path of not trusting him & being overly anxious, you will drive him away. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. This BF is not your EXs. Just because they behaved one way, does not mean he will behave in the same way. You have to learn that the voices in your head are called projections & they are lying to you! This trip has nothing to do with you. He's working his ass off & is only thinking about work & the comforts of home he doesn't have: sleep, his own bed, you etc. He's not re-evaluating your relationship. He doesn't have time or energy for the luxury of introspection. If you pester him however, you will drive him away by being a source of friction rather then comfort Use your time more wisely to plan how you will greet him & pamper him on his return. 2
Zippy2000 Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 As you mentioned in the title of your post. Its all in your own head. Every man is different not all will cheat. If you keep on harassing you with your trust issues. The irony is it WILL drive him away. I'm a man and from a mans perspective. Sometimes we like doing our pwn thing. We like to spend time by ourselves. When we do it doesn't mean we`re cheating. Please keep yourself busy and occupied. If you don't and keep annoying your man with trust. he will leave. Just enjoy your time with him 2
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 How can i PM you? Sorry I’m new to this website You can't. You have to pay to be a member OR you have to be a member for I think a month & have a certain minimum # of posts. Then you get a PM link.
kassy Posted March 21, 2018 Posted March 21, 2018 I think your feelings while potentially understandable given your history will be the thing that drives him away. A partner continuously being untrusting of you when you have done nothing to deserve that hurts and eventually gets to be too much. I would suggest therapy. Use the time he is away to productively begin the process of stopping your unhelpful behaviour patterns because this will follow you to every future relationship as well. Your ex's may have ruined your past relationships but don't let them ruin your current one. If you can't see a counsellor for some reason then there are some online services that match you with counsellors online. I'm not sure if I can name one but it has two words to its name and the first word is "better" Google should be able to find I for you. I found this personally very helpful, the counsellor I was matched with was a perfect fit and the different ways we could communicate worked better for me than regular counselling. However you do it, realise you need to prioritise resolving these unfounded fears. Also I suggest you let your boyfriend know you realise this is a problem and are trying to actively resolve it. This may help him to be more patient about not throwing in the towel, but only to a point if nothing changes. Good luck, ihope it goes well for you 2
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