Standard-Fare Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 Through mutual friends, I've encountered "Sam" maybe 3-4 times in the past. The first time we met, I had fun talking to him and took note of some (I felt mutual?) attraction. But I learned afterward he was married, so that was that. The other times, I continued to enjoy Sam's company, with a mild wistfulness of "damn, I wish he was single." He was always solo at these events, without his wife. Well, I found out recently that they're going through a divorce. Which sucks for them, but my ears perked up. Of course I'm not stupid or desperate (or tacky) enough to go after a freshly divorced man. I realize Sam's got a lot of wounds to heal, and legal messes to clean up. But would there be any gentle way to put my interest "out there" sometime in the future? And if so, what would be the right time? (I believe the separation became official at the start of this year, and divorce proceedings are underway.) Note: Though chances are fair Sam and I will encounter again in person, I'm not certain of that. I'd probably have to take more of an active step. Note also: He's not on any social media, so that's not an angle here.
heavenonearth Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 I met my boyfriend 5 months after his last relationship ended. He was with his ex for 15 years but the relationship was falling apart for five years already and he had emotionally checked out a year before it officially ended (aka she moved out). He definitely was ready to fall in love with me when we met but it took him 4.5 months to make a commitment of “boyfriend and girlfriend”. I think that every person is different after a long term relationship ends. If their marriage was over long before the official divorce began, he may be likely ready for something new much quicker. But if i were you, i would not jump on him right away. You have no idea of the scope of his emotions regarding the divorce as of right now. And you don’t want to be the woman asking him all that. Because when all of this is still up in the air/up for debate, it means he is not ready. Let him come to you!? It would not hurt to accidentally run into him a few months down the road and see how much of an impact you have on him then. But don’t be active now. This man likely has other stuff going on. 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 Ask him out for a cup of coffee, as friends... Talk to him and feel him out, if you are getting positive vibes from him, throw your hat in the ring. Tell him to contact you when he is ready for something new. 1
Author Standard-Fare Posted March 20, 2018 Author Posted March 20, 2018 Let him come to you!? It would not hurt to accidentally run into him a few months down the road and see how much of an impact you have on him then. But don’t be active now. This man likely has other stuff going on. I think you're right. I do fear that sitting back and doing nothing might be missing an opportunity... like, I'll never see him then find out in a year he's started dating someone new. But actively going after him, anytime soon, is going to come off wrong. At most, I might vaguely convey to our mutual friends that I'm interested, and maybe they would pass the message on when the time is right. That's all I can do.
PRW Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 (edited) Suggest a casual date with him. It is only casual,...but it is still a date. Don't do friend zone stuff with him, that is the wrong thing to communicate, and it would be dishonest on top of that because you clearly have alterior motives. By presenting it as a casual date you are saying that interest exist but without any pressure. At least then it is honest. If you end up on a date any talk of relationships, marriage, and particularly his marriage should be forbidden topics. The date needs to be positive, not negative. Go into it with no expectations,...if you don't so much as get a handshake after the date, just roll with it. In most divorces the dumper is usually seeing someone before it is final. While the dumpee may not. Not say that is right or wrong,...just stating a fact. Edited March 20, 2018 by PRW
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