Gary335 Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 So I've been dating my girlfriend for 9 months, we live together now, and for the most part we have had a good relationship, until the last month or so. It's gotten a little rocky lately, and we're kind of at an impasse right now. The problems are these: first, I can be a bit of a home body, she's not. She'd be out every day if there was somewhere to go. Me, I am just fine going out once or twice a week. Second, we have very different interests. Third, we have very different views on how much time we need to spend together. She loves live music and bars, and in my 32 years I'd never even set foot in one until I met her. I don't even drink! And nothing appeals to me about being inside a tiny, loud bar crowded to the walls with people dancing and partying. I'll go to these things sometimes, but there are also times I'll pass. But this upsets her. In her opinion, I have to go to everything she wants to go to, and she needs to do everything I want to do. My opinion is that neither of us should ever be forced to do anything we don't want to, and we don't need to do everything together. In fact, I might go as far as to say I feel as though having some separate hobbies and time not attached to each other is a healthy thing! Family is another sticking point. Again, every time she visits she expects me there too. But she lived an hour away, and when we met I asked her if she thought the distance was too much, and she said it wasn't. But she wants to drive to see aunts, uncles, and grandma 3 or 4 times a week. Which is fine, but I own a business and don't have 4 or 5 hours to give 3 or 4 days a week. So I don't always go. I don't even see MY family that much! But that upsets her, because she thinks it makes a bad impression with her family. As I said, we live together, and she had to move in with me because I had a house, she lived with her grandmother. There was no choice in the matter. And she was fine with it. And I'm in no position to sell and move closer for her right now as I have only owned the house for two years. So my question is, is there any compromise here? We're pulling our hair out because we want this to work, but neither of us are sure how to make it work. We both feel we're right, and I'd say we're both pretty unwilling to budge. I'm pretty happy in the relationship, and am totally satisfied with things as they are. I'm doing more than I ever have before. We have a lot of fun together, and share some common interests. People see our posts on Facebook and wonder how we have time for work. But its not enough for her. Any help/advice/comments would be greatly appreciated!
RecentChange Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 Hum, how long have you been living together? Dating... and yes living together are a time to see if you are COMPATIBLE with someone. I can be a bit of a home body, she's not. Second, we have very different interests. Third, we have very different views on how much time we need to spend together. Family is another sticking point. So my question is, is there any compromise here? We both feel we're right, and I'd say we're both pretty unwilling to budge. I'm pretty happy in the relationship, and am totally satisfied with things as they are. I would say you are both right. You have the right to not like concerts, to not like spending tons of time with the in-laws, to not spending as much time together. She has the right to enjoy the social life that she does, to want to spend more time with her family and you. What you two do not have - is a compatible life style. I think moving in together probably made that very clear. Compromises ... require compromise, but also a level of compatibility so that there aren't winners and losers. For instance, my husband loves concerts and the night life. I like it, but not quite as wild about it (but still really enjoy it!). So I join him the vast majority of the time, because I enjoy it too. The occasion that it is too much for me, he is happy to go with friends. Neither of us have large or close families, so we both understand our type of family dynamic, and attend when we need to, and get pardoned when we don't. So what is the compromise here? How can you BOTH be equally happy? Do you really have compatible life styles, goals and wants... or is this a test the relationship can't pass? 2
dude360 Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 She needs to learn to be more accommodating. She can't expect you to be into all her hobbies. Going out with her once a week or at most twice is perfectly fine.
preraph Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 You guys are just not a match. I don't see how you ended up dating with so little in common. The family thing is going to be the biggest deal. She can go see bands with her friends while you stay home. But if she's a real family oriented person, that will drive anyone who isn't NUTS. They'll be all up in everything and she'll probably side with them over you, which is not workable. 2
smackie9 Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 You are incompatible and she will start to go astray at least emotionally down the road.
BluesPower Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 Why in gods name did...you move in together? Why, Why, Why? Oh, I have some news for you, this relationship is not long for this world. You were both foolish for moving in together, you basically have nothing in common at all. How is it that you guys think this R will last? Better to cut your losses and end this before it gets ugly... 1
snowboy91 Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 So I've been dating my girlfriend for 9 months, we live together now, and for the most part we have had a good relationship, until the last month or so. It's gotten a little rocky lately, and we're kind of at an impasse right now. The problems are these: first, I can be a bit of a home body, she's not. She'd be out every day if there was somewhere to go. Me, I am just fine going out once or twice a week. Second, we have very different interests. Third, we have very different views on how much time we need to spend together. She loves live music and bars, and in my 32 years I'd never even set foot in one until I met her. I don't even drink! And nothing appeals to me about being inside a tiny, loud bar crowded to the walls with people dancing and partying. I'll go to these things sometimes, but there are also times I'll pass. But this upsets her. In her opinion, I have to go to everything she wants to go to, and she needs to do everything I want to do. My opinion is that neither of us should ever be forced to do anything we don't want to, and we don't need to do everything together. In fact, I might go as far as to say I feel as though having some separate hobbies and time not attached to each other is a healthy thing! Family is another sticking point. Again, every time she visits she expects me there too. But she lived an hour away, and when we met I asked her if she thought the distance was too much, and she said it wasn't. But she wants to drive to see aunts, uncles, and grandma 3 or 4 times a week. Which is fine, but I own a business and don't have 4 or 5 hours to give 3 or 4 days a week. So I don't always go. I don't even see MY family that much! But that upsets her, because she thinks it makes a bad impression with her family. As I said, we live together, and she had to move in with me because I had a house, she lived with her grandmother. There was no choice in the matter. And she was fine with it. And I'm in no position to sell and move closer for her right now as I have only owned the house for two years. So my question is, is there any compromise here? We're pulling our hair out because we want this to work, but neither of us are sure how to make it work. We both feel we're right, and I'd say we're both pretty unwilling to budge. I'm pretty happy in the relationship, and am totally satisfied with things as they are. I'm doing more than I ever have before. We have a lot of fun together, and share some common interests. People see our posts on Facebook and wonder how we have time for work. But its not enough for her. Any help/advice/comments would be greatly appreciated! Your story sounds a heck of a lot like mine - although I'm your GF in my situation and my GF is the home body. I can tell you it's quite difficult when both people want and expect different things from their lives and their partners - and the only way out is to try and see if both of you can compromise. And both of you need to - otherwise it's unfair on one person. See the bolded bits above - it's a bit contradictory - do you actually have common interests? It is true that having some separate hobbies is healthy - but having all your activities separate is not - otherwise you've got nothing to bond over. The question is about how much you both feel you need to do together - and the answer is unique to every person so you need to answer that for yourself. A compromise for you both might be that you go to some quieter gigs with her where you're less uncomfortable, and she occasionally takes part in some of your hobbies. But ultimately you need to find something you both enjoy. Overall though, it seems like she is placing very high expectations on your time and effort in the relationship especially where family is concerned. I feel like she's failed to realise how much time you need to put into your business, and the time you need for yourself. It is likely (though not certain) you guys are incompatible with each other, but I'd strongly suggest having an open discussion on what you expect of each other in the relationship, and ensure both your needs are satisfied.
Happy Lemming Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 She loves live music... How about you suggest a Symphony, its live music, you can dress up and its a quieter crowd. Throw in a fancy dinner, and you have a recipe for a great evening!! Family is another sticking point. Again, every time she visits she expects me there too. I'd tell her that you'll visit her family on the major holidays. She is more than welcome to visit her family, by herself, anytime she wishes. Tell her to go alone. Personally, I've never heard of such a thing dragging your boyfriend to relatives' houses 3-4 times a week. Do they want to see her that much?? Seems a little too much for my taste. I'd put my foot down on that one for sure.
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