Experience dating someone separated

[db1984]

These days, many men will say they are "separated" but are in reality very "married" or otherwise in a relationship of commitment, so proceed with caution.

 

 

On the other hand, being separated, especially for a short period of time qualifies as being on the rebound. Looking for validation, attention. When that need is fulfilled (however long that takes), only then will he be ready for a real relationship.

 

 

Run away if he does not know what he wants, doesn't take you on real dates, tells you to just go with the flow, or only wants to visit you in your home (never invites you to his place).

[SpecialJ]

I said I'd come back with an update and would have quickly if the site didn't go down. After just a couple more dates, this was a disaster. He wasn't trying to sleep with me and he wasn't playing games... but he did immediately try to wife me. The man had no boundaries, and I spoke up about appropriateness as soon as he started acting like we'd gone on more than 3 dates, but I ended up running away screaming when he didn't back off. I feel sorry for him, because he'd projected all his pain with his wife onto me without even realizing it, but that's also not my problem to fix. All I could do was communicate my intentions to cut it off, since ghosting is disrespectful, even if that meant him trying to argue me into changing my mind.

 

I hope if he stays with online dating that he'll disclose his separated status upfront in the future, since doing that would have prevented the drama (I'd have never have gone on that initial date!), but I doubt it.

 

But. Lesson. Learned.

[preraph]

Sounds like he is another one who can't be alone with himself for 24 hours.

[coolheadal]

I hit it off with a guy who, at the end of the date, told me he's 6 months separated from his wife. We are still talking but I'm wary about getting to know him further because of the emotional upheaval anyone must be going through with that kind of timing. Anyone have any experiences or advice to share? Or is it right to assume he's going to be a mess since he just started going on dates again and that I should just step away? He said he wouldn't hold it against me if I decided against a second date based on the bad timing, though he'd like to see me again. I once dated someone a year out from a divorce, and that was not a good experience since he still wasn't ready.

 

No matter what he's still married to his wife, just they are now separated, but still married. You have experience what is like to be with someone who got divorce. No different that being separated still married or not married. Frankly neither one is a good idea for you. Don't get back into a messy relationship with a separated (still married man)

[SpecialJ]

There's no relationship. Per my update above, we went out a few times, he got really clingy in a really unhealthy way, I cut it off. I wasn't looking to date someone separated, I just didn't know he was upfront.

[heavenonearth]

I said I'd come back with an update and would have quickly if the site didn't go down. After just a couple more dates, this was a disaster. He wasn't trying to sleep with me and he wasn't playing games... but he did immediately try to wife me. The man had no boundaries, and I spoke up about appropriateness as soon as he started acting like we'd gone on more than 3 dates, but I ended up running away screaming when he didn't back off. I feel sorry for him, because he'd projected all his pain with his wife onto me without even realizing it, but that's also not my problem to fix. All I could do was communicate my intentions to cut it off, since ghosting is disrespectful, even if that meant him trying to argue me into changing my mind.

 

I hope if he stays with online dating that he'll disclose his separated status upfront in the future, since doing that would have prevented the drama (I'd have never have gone on that initial date!), but I doubt it.

 

But. Lesson. Learned.

 

 

That sucks he turned out a fool.

But good you noticed it so quickly.

[mortensorchid]

I did have an internet date in January with a man who was separated (or at least said he was). I met him once, he seemed like an okay guy. What happened was rather typical internet dating stuff - you meet someone, have an evening, then part ways. I did hear from him for a few days/weeks afterwards via text messaging of "hi how's your day going?" type stuff. Then he was silent for a few days afterward, I texted him with "Hey, you disappeared" (first mistake on my part) and he responded with sorry been busy. Gave a push (second mistake) asking what his schedule was like, he said he was busy doing other things, I said okay let me know. And never heard a word again.

 

I have no idea of his situation, I don't even remember his name anymore. But I did go to his Facebook page (through his number listed) and found that he still had pictures of his estranged wife on the page - including their wedding pictures. Everyone I have known once their marriage hits the rocks takes down the photos of their spouse once things are not good. So I thought that was strange, wasn't accusing him of lying but it was at least not right.

 

Separated people tend to do things others do not. They tend to try to date lots of men/women at first because they are trying to show their estranged spouse that others find them attractive, that they can be in the pool again, and that they will find happiness without them almost by force. And the situation ends up being ... Not good. So if you proceed, remember that this person has a lot of pent up anger and bad feelings about things that have nothing to do with you but they may end up taking it out on you anyway.

[SpecialJ]

Lack of boundaries got even worse. I told him we were done and that we needed space so let's go NC for a while, and then I did. He'd said he appreciated that I took the time to discuss it respectfully and agreed to what I'd said but definitely didn't abide by it. He instead kept trying to get my attention for two months, accused me of ghosting, and even admitted to ignoring my boundaries because he decided to interpret them a different way than I directly stated, but spun it into some self-justification for why he was still right and I was wrong. I finally replied one time to say stop contacting me for good.

 

I still have no interest in dating anyone separated or very recently divorced, but for anyone else reading this thread as an example... I don't think it's a good one. He clearly has some unusual issues in addition to the normal healing trajectory, which maybe even led to his separation. I do find in my age group that guys I meet online are withholding the information that they're separated until they actually meet me. But then we don't see each other again and there's no hard feelings. I haven't yet encountered any others with such severe boundary issues, even when the other first dates have gone well.

 

And anyone here trying to "win" someone over that they barely know by persisting in the face of multiple direct rejections -- just, don't do it. It has made me feel totally disrespected and therefore turned off. It's also made me feel like I'm a concept to him and not a real person. All very negative responses that kill any remaining attraction.

[Artdeco]

I don’t know what your issues are and what your particular situation is like, but in general I think that dating somebody who is separated is not an issue at all. These (separated, waiting for D to be filed/final) people are single. Unless he is still connected emotionally or sexually to his separated/ex-wife, he is a free agent and has all the freedom in the world to look for other relationships if he thinks that this is what he needs, just like everybody else who has never been married. No difference there.

 

Whether or not these relationships last, is a completely different story. Anything can happen, previously married or not, separated or not, always been single or not, you name it. Totally not connected. What matters is the connection you have with the “new” person, and whether or not you are mentally and emotionally in a place that allows you to date and to be comfortable with dating.

[heavenonearth]

I don’t know what your issues are and what your particular situation is like, but in general I think that dating somebody who is separated is not an issue at all. These (separated, waiting for D to be filed/final) people are single. Unless he is still connected emotionally or sexually to his separated/ex-wife, he is a free agent and has all the freedom in the world to look for other relationships if he thinks that this is what he needs, just like everybody else who has never been married. No difference there.

 

Whether or not these relationships last, is a completely different story. Anything can happen, previously married or not, separated or not, always been single or not, you name it. Totally not connected. What matters is the connection you have with the “new” person, and whether or not you are mentally and emotionally in a place that allows you to date and to be comfortable with dating.

 

 

 

I agree with you.There is no one size fits all for these situations.

I am dating my boyfriend for a year now, and we met after he was only 5 months separated from his ex of 15 years.

[greymatter]

I agree with you.There is no one size fits all for these situations.

I am dating my boyfriend for a year now, and we met after he was only 5 months separated from his ex of 15 years.

 

I agree with both of the above posters. My divorce took a while (separated in 2010, divorce not finalized until 2012) and considered myself very single at that time, even though I wasn't ready to date then. I would have no problem being in a relationship with someone who is separated, assuming they are looking for a relationship and are "over" the marriage.

[mortensorchid]

I was with two separated men in the recent past.

 

The first was going through a nightmare divorce (her fault based on what I could see). He went through a time where he was dipping into the pool a lot and asked out a lot of women (including me) because he was trying to show his soon to be ex wife that women still found him attractive. We went out once, then I told him this wasn't a good situation because of the above reason. He found another gf soon after me and they have been together for a few years now, I was not offended by it. He and I are still friendly today.

 

The second? Well, that was quite different. He and I had known each other for a few years, he and his wife broke up and he moved out of the house to an apartment near me. He and I started spending time together as friends, his marriage falling apart had nothing to do with me. Then … It changed. We were officially "together" for about 3/4 months. He and his wife were still married but had been living apart for about two years at that point, they just weren't divorced. I was never pushing him for anything other than what we had because, quite honestly, it was all sex. Two lonely people kind of thing. Then one day he was over my place, said he wasn't feeling so great and he was going to go home and sleep it off. He went home, went to bed, had a heart attack and died at age 44. Truth. Only man who never broke up with me, btw.

 

I have no clear cut advice to give you except that people who are separated are … Not in a good place. It's best you wait until the divorce is final, give them time to heal, and then move forward.

[SpecialJ]

All the men I've met through online dating who didn't tell me upfront they were separated were only 3-6 months out and had been dumped by their wives after trying their hardest to make things work out... but their wives gave up. Papers weren't filed yet. I'm not saying one separation size fits all, but that type of situation doesn't work for me so soon.

 

The situation in this thread was because I wanted to be fair about a guy I'd been on one promising date with and looked for advice to not let my biased misgivings take over without seeing red flags from him, and also to know what flags I should be aware of. I think there's excellent advice and opinions here: unfortunately it ended up being irrelevant because he has other problems that are a much bigger deal to me than his separation. Luckily, that surfaced very quickly.

[SpecialJ]

Then one day he was over my place, said he wasn't feeling so great and he was going to go home and sleep it off. He went home, went to bed, had a heart attack and died at age 44. Truth. Only man who never broke up with me, btw.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you, that's horrible.

[Eternal Sunshine]

From observation, the best quality men have women "friends" waiting to date them before they are even separated. These men will for sure start dating once separated and before divorce is final and more often than not it will develop into a long term relationship. The huge difference there is that they already knew the women before, likely already had feelings, sometimes that even contributed to the end of the marriage (regardless of if anything actually happened). These men also never have a need to do go and look online. So from that angle, you are going to miss out if you wait until the divorce is legal.

 

 

However, a random online stranger 6-months post separation? I would run screaming

[kendahke]

He said he feels awkward about it because he doesn't think being separated defines him,

 

It's not about what he thinks. The state will do all the defining necessary.

 

It's good that you've dropped him off and kept going. He is messy and broken.

 

Being with separated people sounds good, in theory, but let an emergency kick off and they have to go in for emergency surgery and you can't sign papers because you're not the legal next of kin nor have legal standing. If they're separated, they're married and that means their spouse has the legal standing, not you. That person can decide that they don't want you on the floor near their spouse, so guess whose standing the hospital is going to respect?

 

Divorce and death are the only two things that interrupt the above.

Edited June 11, 2018 by kendahke