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Is she worth waiting for?


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Posted (edited)

Hey guys. So I met this girl recently on tinder. She's 28, I'm 30. We live in England. Despite me not generally thinking the most positive things about tinder, we went on three dates out in town and I have to say she was really lovely. I was surprised to meet someone so nice from online dating as my previous experiences of it have not proved so fruitful.

 

During these three dates, we got on very well and there was compatibility on alot of levels there. We were kissing alot during the dates also. She comes across as abit of a shy, sweet girl, And she said that she has been single for a few months and was in a relationship for 5 years before that. So as I mentioned the first three dates were wonderful, And I was thinking she was real girlfriend material, but the issue I'm asking for advice about came during the fourth date.

 

She came around to my place for our fourth date, to watch a movie and have some pizza and drinks. I've not long lived in this new house so I did all sorts of tidying and cleaning up beforehand as I was eager to impress her. So the date starts really well and we're watching a movie and having nice conversation and drinks. As the night progressed I feel that I made a couple of silly mistakes. Firstly, I outright asked her if she would like to be my girlfriend, which is something I would usually wait a while longer to do, but I just felt confident that she could be right for me. She was taken aback but said yes. In hindsight, I should have asked that much later on really.

 

Then later on, despite me promising myself I wouldn't ask, I gave in to temptation and asked her if she would like to come upstairs (was obvious what for). She replied that it is too soon, she has never been one for sleeping with somebody too soon, And that she thinks it would be nicer to wait for abit as it is better when both people like each other more before doing that. She didn't seem upset or offended or anything, And although being disappointed I took it on the chin.

 

However, she said afew things during the evening that slightly upset me. She asked me to text her my address before she came around so she could give it to her mum, which was obviously because they didn't trust me or something. She asked me during the evening if I was a cheat when I'm with a girl, which I'm not. She also asked me after knocking me back for sex whether I'd asked her to be my girlfriend just so she would have sex with me, which I didn't. She also mentioned to me after this that she's heard of lads off tinder who only will go on so many dates with a girl unless she has sex with them, which I felt was directed at me.

 

Since Thursday night, She texted me first on Friday and was being really nice and saying she's looking forward to seeing me again. And on Saturday I messaged her first asking how she's been and we had another little chat but it's now Monday afternoon and we haven't spoken since. There's obviously an awkward tension and things are going to Peter out soon unless someone reaches out. Which would be a shame based on the first three dates we had.

 

My questions are related to Thursday night. Am I right to be a little upset by some of those things she said to me and asked me? Also, while my primary motivation in a relationship is not sex, I can't deny that sexual compatibility is important to me, because I remember years ago being with a girl for about a year who basically never wanted to have sex with me and it was really draining. Does the fact that this girl has said she wants to wait for sex mean that eventually if we do have sex it's going to be similar to my previous relationship? Or am I being too hasty in drawing conclusions from that? Also, I honestly thought that the fourth date is certainly not too soon with regards to sleeping with someone, I've never had to wait beyond that before, so I'm concerned whether she is having me on or not?

 

Anyways, thanks for listening guys and any advice is much appreciated.

Edited by poor boy
Posted

The fourth date is too soon for lots of girls to have sex. Others will disagree, but if you like this girl I would give her more time. Did you ask her how long she would want to wait until she felt comfortable? I mean, there is a big difference between "a few more dates" or "until we are married."

 

And honestly, I wouldn't be going to a guys place after three dates. That requires a good amount of trust. If I did, I would want the address to give to a friend - just to be safe.

 

If you like this girl, hang in there. She is just wanting to be safe and she is trying to figure out if you are trustworthy. ;) Not every girl is willing to throw caution to the wind... Good luck.

  • Like 1
Posted
However, she said afew things during the evening that slightly upset me. She asked me to text her my address before she came around so she could give it to her mum, which was obviously because they didn't trust me or something.

 

There is nothing wrong with her doing this. No. She didn't trust you because she didn't know you well enough for trust to be established. Trust is earned, not given just because you think you're trustworthy.

 

She asked me during the evening if I was a cheat when I'm with a girl, which I'm not. She also asked me after knocking me back for sex whether I'd asked her to be my girlfriend just so she would have sex with me, which I didn't. She also mentioned to me after this that she's heard of lads off tinder who only will go on so many dates with a girl unless she has sex with them, which I felt was directed at me.

 

Again, nothing wrong in these questions. She doesn't know you. She's trying to get to know your character and you being offended by these questions says way more about you than it does her. I think she's being quite reasonable. You're the one being unreasonable, given how little you know of her to begin with.

 

Since Thursday night, She texted me first on Friday and was being really nice and saying she's looking forward to seeing me again. And on Saturday I messaged her first asking how she's been and we had another little chat but it's now Monday afternoon and we haven't spoken since. There's obviously an awkward tension and things are going to Peter out soon unless someone reaches out. Which would be a shame based on the first three dates we had.

 

You need to get over being miffed at her. That's the only thing I can see that has gummed up the works.

My questions are related to Thursday night. Am I right to be a little upset by some of those things she said to me and asked me?

 

So we're down to score keeping now? This isn't about being right--she asked you those questions because she doesn't know you well enough to assume.

 

Also, while my primary motivation in a relationship is not sex, I can't deny that sexual compatibility is important to me, because I remember years ago being with a girl for about a year who basically never wanted to have sex with me and it was really draining. Does the fact that this girl has said she wants to wait for sex mean that eventually if we do have sex it's going to be similar to my previous relationship? Or am I being too hasty in drawing conclusions from that? Also, I honestly thought that the fourth date is certainly not too soon with regards to sleeping with someone, I've never had to wait beyond that before, so I'm concerned whether she is having me on or not?

 

It did look like your goal was to get her into the bed by the 4th date because of how you did this. To some women, that's charming. She wasn't one of those women--to her, it was too soon, made you look too thirsty and she's not there with you yet.

 

Slow your roll or make it quite clear in your tinder profile that you expect sex by the 4th date, since that is your expressed expectation here.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the 2 replies Kendahke and BaileyB. Appreciate you guys taking the time to reply. Sounds like good advice to me, I think I'll take that :).

Posted (edited)

Others already said about everything I would have, but I have a few comments.

 

As the night progressed I feel that I made a couple of silly mistakes. Firstly, I outright asked her if she would like to be my girlfriend, which is something I would usually wait a while longer to do, but I just felt confident that she could be right for me. She was taken aback but said yes. In hindsight, I should have asked that much later on really.

 

That wasn't a silly mistake, that was a major blunder. She has her radar on full alert not. That would have came across as very impatient and classical neediness and a scarcity mindset. That is going to be a tough one to get past,...the mold is kind of set now. It is the woman's job to bring up this conversation, not yours.

 

Then later on, despite me promising myself I wouldn't ask, I gave in to temptation and asked her if she would like to come upstairs (was obvious what for).

Strike two! After the "girlfriend" blunder hasn't even cooled down you hit her with this?

 

I know others have already dealt with this but you need to understand how serious it was, and cut that crap out. You have to learn to read women to see where they are really at. Guys far too often project their feelings onto the woman and think that she feels the same way toward them as they do with her,...and it isn't so. Women don't go out with men to just "get laid".

 

And on Saturday I messaged her first asking how she's been and we had another little chat but it's now Monday afternoon and we haven't spoken since.

 

That depends on what was said in the "little chat". Women pick up on things in a conversation that men don't have a clue about,...particularly things that turn them off and make them distrust you.

 

There's obviously an awkward tension and things are going to Peter out soon unless someone reaches out. Which would be a shame based on the first three dates we had.

 

That is called the "allusion of action". This is where the guy thinks, "I have to DO SOMETHING to save this situation!" When the truth is that they just need to keep their mouth shut and leave her alone for a while. You have to get a grip on how women function. They make decisions on how things make them "feel",...what kind of "vibe" they get from a situation. If they don't "feel" safe with you and they don't get the "vibe" you have their best interest in mind, you aren't getting anywhere. You're are not going to "logic" and "reason" your way through anything with them.

 

My questions are related to Thursday night. Am I right to be a little upset by some of those things she said to me and asked me?

 

You were the one that "created" the way that she now feels. You instilled danger and distrust into emotions. She acted exactly the way she would be expected to respond.

 

I've never had to wait beyond that before, so I'm concerned whether she is having me on or not?

 

There are a whole community of people such as the ones in the Christian community that believe they are supposed to wait till after marriage for sex. The Scripture specifically lays it out so they aren't just "making that up". Now granted probably most of them don't successfully accomplish it, but it is their goal. Then even other people believe in waiting till engagement or exclusivity. It is also different among age groups.

 

But a big red flag here is that you are concerned about it,...it makes you look like your ultimate goal is to just get laid, and I assure you that a woman can "smell" that on you like a porta-potty at a drunken carnival. They also worry that if they "give it to you" and then later break it off you will become their latest new Stalker that won't take no for an answer and will keep coming around for more.

Edited by PRW
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

You sent her mixed signals, whether you meant to or not, and she was asking you questions to sort through your intentions. Other posters who said these questions are okay and give her a chance if you like her are right. If you really want her to be your gf, you have plenty of time to find out the answers to the sexual compatibility questions and don't need to push it on the fourth date. If you let the conversation fade on me now and didn't initiate another date after this happened, I'd assume your actions were telling me you did just want sex and now that I said it's too soon you've lost interest. So, prove to her that it isn't the case and keep getting to know each other and building trust.

 

For what it's worth, I wait on average a few weeks to have sex. Especially if I actually like the guy. Means zero in regards to what the frequency will be like later on. Just means I don't want to be used, especially by guys I've met online.

Edited by SpecialJ
  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

PRW and specialJ, thanks for your replies. Tbh I can see you guys are right and I have made some pretty bad blunders there. It was done in the best possible intentions though and at least I realise it was stupid now lol, which is why I came on here for advice. Thanks again for your words of wisdom ?.

  • Author
Posted

Also, as abit of an update, She messaged me today after a couple of days and was asking me how I'm doing and what I'm doing on my days off this week. So perhaps she's still interested, we will see. I'll take the advice of you guys though and give things some time because I do like her.

  • Like 1
Posted

Why would she trust you?

 

You are a stranger, it's too soon really for her to go to your house!

 

I wouldn't do that too soon because it's dangerous and risky.

 

 

So why are you offended?

 

Is it because you are a good guy who will never rape, hurt, or cheat on a girl?

 

But we all don't know that!

 

Better safe than sorry, she had to ask and she had to be honest.

 

Do you prefer she lie to you and pretend she trust you fully?

  • Author
Posted
Why would she trust you?

 

You are a stranger, it's too soon really for her to go to your house!

 

I wouldn't do that too soon because it's dangerous and risky.

 

 

So why are you offended?

 

Is it because you are a good guy who will never rape, hurt, or cheat on a girl?

 

But we all don't know that!

 

Better safe than sorry, she had to ask and she had to be honest.

 

Do you prefer she lie to you and pretend she trust you fully?

 

I get your point. But in my defence I would say that I wouldn't consider myself a stranger after 3 previous dates, maybe she didn't know me like the back of her hand, but I was no stranger. And I only speak from past experience of dating women whereby normally tbh I've never gone more than 4 dates without sleeping with them, even though I never set out with a particular number of dates in mind, that was just the way it always worked out. So I thought that was normal.

Posted

4 dates isn't abnormal, but neither is waiting longer. Just keep reaching out to her as normal and making plans. I think she's still interested, and things will happen organically when she knows you better. No need to make a big deal about what happened as long as your actions show you're both not put off by it and respecting her boundaries.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

 

Then later on, despite me promising myself I wouldn't ask, I gave in to temptation and asked her if she would like to come upstairs (was obvious what for). She replied that it is too soon, she has never been one for sleeping with somebody too soon, And that she thinks it would be nicer to wait for abit as it is better when both people like each other more before doing that. She didn't seem upset or offended or anything, And although being disappointed I took it on the chin.

 

 

 

You know where I stand on this. Four dates and no sex? I would not go out with her again. You need to find someone who will agree to sex within 1-2 dates because she is wasting your time. You don’t want to date endlessly without ever having sex. This is an issue of sexual compatibility.

Edited by Redguitar35
  • Author
Posted
You know where I stand on this. Four dates and no sex? I would not go out with her again. You need to find someone who will agree to sex within 1-2 dates because she is wasting your time. You don’t want to date endlessly without ever having sex. This is an issue of sexual compatibility.

 

Are you being serious RedGuitar? I am thinking you may be being a bit sarcastic? I mean, I wasn't strictly saying that no sex within four dates is awful or anything, I was just asking the question. But 1-2 dates? Even I think that may be abit much to expect lol.

  • Author
Posted
4 dates isn't abnormal, but neither is waiting longer. Just keep reaching out to her as normal and making plans. I think she's still interested, and things will happen organically when she knows you better. No need to make a big deal about what happened as long as your actions show you're both not put off by it and respecting her boundaries.

 

Cheers SpecialJ, that sounds about on the money to me. I can tell you are a woman, your advice is pretty good lol.

  • Like 1
Posted

Her giving your info to her mom is NORMAL and smart. Why would she trust you? You're some guy she met on Tinder. You're a guy she's alone with. One in four women is sexually assaulted!

 

It is totally logical for her to think that you asked her to be your girlfriend as a prelude to getting sex. Why wouldn't she think that? It was step one, be my girlfriend, step 2, wanna do it?

 

You got ahead of yourself and for some reason, you are expecting her to trust you. You can't trust a LOT of guys and certainly not right from the get-go. For example, a friend of mine dated a guy for over two years and then married and followed him to his naval base, where he promptly, upon having her safely isolated from friends and family, began to whup up on her. You can't trust guys! It's a safety thing and it's borne of centuries and centuries of good reason.

 

So your pride is hurt and you need to get over it. You need to tell her after thinking about what transpired, you understand why she thought you meant "Be my girlfriend, now get naked" because that's a no-brainer but tell her you didn't mean it that way. And tell her women need to be careful and that anything you can do to make her feel safe, please let you know.

  • Like 1
Posted
....make it quite clear in your tinder profile that you expect sex by the 4th date, since that is your expressed expectation here.

 

I love your posts Kendahke, but this is sheer madness. Perhaps a woman can get away with such foolery, but 99% of men cannot.

 

If I listed all my expectations of a woman I would never have a date in my life. Instead, I let them know slowly over time and then bolt of they don't/won't meet them.

  • Like 1
Posted
Are you being serious RedGuitar? I am thinking you may be being a bit sarcastic? I mean, I wasn't strictly saying that no sex within four dates is awful or anything, I was just asking the question. But 1-2 dates? Even I think that may be abit much to expect lol.

 

Not at all, I'm totally serious. I think you are wasting your time with this girl, and you need to move on and find someone who isn't a prude about sex.

 

She must be pretty full of herself to think that you will wait around for months of dating without having sex. I find her behavior insulting, to be honest with you.

Posted
Are you being serious RedGuitar? I am thinking you may be being a bit sarcastic? I mean, I wasn't strictly saying that no sex within four dates is awful or anything, I was just asking the question. But 1-2 dates? Even I think that may be abit much to expect lol.

 

Don't mind him.

 

He thinks every woman that doesn't have sex with someone within 1-2 dates means they're not that into the guy, which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

Back to the main topic. I would tell her that while sex and sexual compatibility is important to you, that's not the only thing you want.

  • Like 2
Posted

LOL, thanks, OP. I am!

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