MM has mixed feelings

[lynnered]

well posted MM left still at his mothers reallys distantso last night we talked on IM

MM: I really do love you but i been having mixed feelings about all this i miss child so much and i don t know if i can deal with not having her around all the time i would like to sit down and talk and maybe you can help me as always

MM: I want to be and and want you to be happy also but either way i choose i gonna be unhappy

lynnered:yes i knew u missed hchild i understand ,yes we talk u need to do what u feel is best ,i want u to be happy in ur life

MM: If i stay gone i always gonna miss child and be sad but i ll be happy from you but not be with child don t know

MM:If i go back i ll be happy with child but sad to be with Wife

MM: Baby i thought this would be easy to do but its very hard and i am so confused and thats why

MM: child is the reason my head is all messed up! Its so hard i don t know how to deal with it but hopefully maybe you can teach me how to deal with it and maybe that will work

LYnnered: i support u and will be a friend & wont pressure u i could feel within u things its ok

MM:I am not ending this with you i would like to talk about this and see how i can get over it i don t wanna lose you

MM:Its not by choice i am acting different its the whole thing and you don t understand you and i love each other but my daughter is making my life miserable

MM:I don t wanna hurt you or me or child but someone or someone s are gonna not be happy not everyone will be happy and i don t know

MM:): I do not want to hurt you or child i wish if there was a way for someone to get hurt it could be only me not you two i would rather be unhappy my whole life then to hurt the two of you

MM: I wanna see you and maybe you can help me i did not think it would be like this

MM: Maybe my life is meant to be miserable til the end and thats what is planned for me by someone else i thought i was strong emotionally but maybe i not

lynnered:maybe its not even about being strong emotionally,if the way u are is u need her everyday then thats the way u are nothing wrong wh that shows u lov

Lynnered:that shows u love her a great father

MM: But why be miserable for that reason

i didnt copy all my replies but i was telling him to do whats best for him !even told him if he choose 2 stay i understand but i would walk out of his life ,

i dont know what to do !

hes asking for my help i dont know how to help him get used to not seeing child everyday or make him feel better that he cant!!

i told him maybe i was in his life for a reason & maybe that times up ,

i want him & want to do right thing but i dont know what right thing!!

i even told him he sounds like he feels hes leaving child not W,as u can see he doesnt mention being upset to leave her !

so any help as how to proceed when he comes over tuesday would be helpful!!

[joodee]

He sounds like he's being upfront and honest with you. I think it's good for you to tell him to do what's best for him, and that you told him that you would walk out of his life if he chose to stay. If in three days he can't decide, then tell him that you will step out till he decides, and then stick to that. The important thing here is sticking to what you say you will do, and taking care of yourself. This way you can stop the back and forth stuff with him. If he still stays in indecision land, then you know to stay away and move on, cause it will be too painful for you to stay waiting while he stays on the shelf. Good luck to you.

[TheDiva]

He sounds very confused and I would venture a guess that he doesn't really want to make this choice, at least between you and his child. (possibly the W too) Prehaps he is wanting you to make it for him. i.e. force him to leave or leave him. Thereby giving him someone to put his misplaced blame on. He did not mention the wife. This could be a double-edged sword.

 

A. He really does not care one wit for her.

or

B. He has come to realize that he actually cares alot about W, and don't want to lose her or the family dynamic they have together.

 

Not making ANY mention of W says to me, at least, that he does still have love for W. He doesn't want to hurt her, really, but CAN he really say that to you?? I am sure no matter how the W truly is, he has not presented you with a happy or true picture of her and their relationship.Though she may be a B!@ch or not.

 

It doesn't just sound like he is leaving his child, he IS leaving his child. His family dynamic will change if he goes through with the D.

His apprehension about the welfare of his child says to me that he is probably a very good father. But as such, he is going to fight (mentally) having to leave her behind when the D goes through. And that will strain your relationship, possibly making him feel as though you are the reason for his problems. Though you are NOT. But jumping from relationship to relationship is never good, and worse IMHO, when both relationships were going on at the same time. The baggage seems to get mixed together in one bulging bag.

 

By coming to you for answers he is really is being unfair to you. He seems to want you to blink and make it all better. He has been forced into action, and now it sounds as he is regretting those actions. He is probably gearing up for 'go time'. He is on the tightrope now and there are only two directions to go.

 

Forward to you and a new life with minimal time with his kid, or back to the W and all the time with family he can handle.

 

My first instinct is to say he is in a panic, trying to regain what was lost and still keep you too. Even if it only comes down to the 'fear of change'

 

My hope for you ... whatever happens, it happens swiftly, being stuck in limbo is a horrible place.

[lynnered]

joodee,&TheDiva

i thank u both great replys!

"He did not mention the wife. This could be a double-edged sword. "

her i dont know If iI copyed

MM:If i go back i ll be happy with child but sad to be with wife

MM: I leave i ll miss child i stay i ll miss you but if i stay i gonna be so unhappy with being with wife

MM: I planned to leave and be with you so i moved to moms first to see what happens you were real supportive

MM:I wanted to be right with you but it is not like i thought it would be

of his situation with her from his dad, as well so i sincerley believe him that he doesnt want to be with her ,we have discussed,

when he lecft we were NC & he married her cause of child hes stuck around cause of child but when i asked him why he left he said he couldnt take it no more.

u both raised alot of great points he knows im gone if he goes back no doubt ive been going throught this to long i cant take anymore ,im going to therapy AGAIN over him

she said like u girls did & i told him he needs to make his own descions,

but she also said people get divored everydaythere pretty liberal vistion not as much as he may like but still she cant totally keep him away,

i have told him if he wants to go back go ,etc i will support him ,but then i need out

and says going back he will be happy to be with child as much as he wants but sad over me not in his life & sad over W in his life:D

nobody wins

i was really kind pushing to go back but he needs to make own choice,the sad thing the wife does treat him like crap & that hurts at least if he does go back and would be treated good by W that would be a relief ,to know u cant be with the one u love but hes ok & with her hes not

yes TheDiva,about being in limbo my therapist said the same thing i cry everyday ,

and he told me its not my fault cause of promblems ,

i havent presured or anything im just so nervous about tomorrow

[Confused Woman]

I'm going through a similar situation with my MM. He actually moved in with me. But now he states that the sinking feeling he had when he wasn't with me has been replaced by another sinking feeling because he can't be with his 3 kids.

 

Too bad people can't just marry the person they truly love, have kids for the right reasons stay together and be happy. There's always going to be a loser in these type situations. What makes my situation even worse is that he was unhappy after the 1st child, so what did he do, he had 2 more with her.

 

If they (MM) are determined to "sacrifice" and stay in an unhappy marriage for their kids sake, I wish they would just leave us (OW) out of it. Keep your confusion and your sadness and all the rest of the heavy load to yourself.

 

As you can tell I'm rather annoyed with the situation, who needs all the drama? I agree though that it is his decision, he needs to be a man and make it. Either he can be with you and deal with visitation of his child, or he can go back to her and be miserable and then I'd do what you stated and leave him alone. If my MM goes back to his W, we're done.

[lynnered]

Confused Woman,

i thank u for the reply!

"If they (MM) are determined to "sacrifice" and stay in an unhappy marriage for their kids sake, I wish they would just leave us (OW) out of it. Keep your confusion and your sadness and all the rest of the heavy load to yourself"

so true!!

today was his childs 1st day of school he works nights & had to stay over so he was mad he could not go see her off,i think he picked her up ,i havent seen him since friday ,only talk on IM,

he wont give me his cell #& wont say why thats what really gives me doubts ,he grew up with his parents D & didnt see his father alot,

he doesnt seem to understand that u dont have to be ur father & not be around!!

"who needs all the drama? I agree though that it is his decision, he needs to be a man and make it. Either he can be with you and deal with visitation of his child, or he can go back to her and be miserable and then I'd do what you stated and leave him alone. If my MM goes back to his W, we're done."

true again !!

i cant even stand all the drama now !

if he loved & wanted to be with W ,i would have been gone along time ago weve had that conversion ,

its all about the child ,

but what p*sses me off with him ,hes had 4years sept2004 i told him if ur not out by sept 05,im not telling u to go but im not waiting anymore !

so here we are in in limbo crying all the time ,i cant be upset in front of him because all hes going through ive been supportive,

so im going to tell him he needs to think & ill listen ,but i cant keep wasting time ,

he hasnt treated me good through all this & i thought when he left it would get better,

i just hope he decides one way or the other soon !!

[TheDiva]

lynnered,

You are so better off without him and all this daddy drama he is bringing. I have serious doubts that this is all about the child. Men get seperated and divorced everyday, and lots are great dads and wish to be there for their kids. They will do anything for their children and they DO what it takes. Keep reading all the other stories on this board and put yourself in those shoes. How many women come in here saying "He's gonna leave this time, he told me so." and then they come back crying once again," he isn't taking action, has started stall tactics, or Moved out, now but has serious doubts." If he truly wants to be with you, his mind would be completely made up and unchangeable. The drama would be stopped already.

 

He seems to be using his child in the stall tactic, while stringing you along saying 'I need more time this is harder than I thought it would be' I stand by my earlier post that his feelings for his wife are somewhere in the mix, and he is trying to work out a way to keep you both happy with what he is giving to you. Likely to be his wife is fairly oozing with her charm when he goes to see child, she is probably using that time to compete for him like when they dated. Believe me if it were only about his child, he wouldn't be pushing you away like this.

 

"He hasnt treated me good through all this & i thought when he left it would get better"

 

 

That right there should tell you something. He is going to drag all this out as long as he can, and your heart is going to be stomped on in the process.

 

I hope all this doesn't sound too harsh, I just wish you to see you don't deserve to be treated this way by ANYONE, Espiecially someone that claims to love you as much as MM claims too. As I see it he is treated you about as well as he would a stray dog. build it a tiny leaky shack, chain it up so that it can't go but 5 feet away from said shack and feed it scraps from the table, never buying it real dog food.

 

Boy that did sound harsh didn't it? I AM NOT trying to compare you to a dog btw. I just want you to see that you deserve a man that can be complely yours, and will treat you as the princess you are!

 

Please, please don't let him do this to you anymore

 

he wont give me his cell #& wont say why thats what really gives me doubts

 

This screams volumes to me. Why in the world wouldn't he give you his cell number? Could it be that he is trying to reconnect with the W and she has access to his bill???In any case it sounds extremely suspicious to me.

 

Keep your chin up, this jerk don't deserve any of your tears!

[lynnered]

THEDIVA ,

i thank u for ur reply made me cry but cause im thinking ur right ,

i asked him about cell last night & hers what i got :

Lynnered:MMdid u know uv known me since have u known alot of ur current friends that long??

Lynnered: wow & thursdays is sept 1st,time really flies so almost a month away from 6years

MM:: No i say you are one of longest

MM:And one of if not the best

MM:Why baby whats wrong

Lynnered:well IM NOT SAYING this 2b mean but ,like the phone thing ?uv known me 6 years & dont want me to have ur tn ?u dont trust me ?or u think ur gonna go back so u dont want me calling u

MM:Please stop that

MM:Oh can we discuss this today when i see you

MM:Don t know why

i asked him if he thought about things & he says hes still not sure its 10:12 he was suposed to be here after work ,then he typed me he has to see child off to school & hes logged off IM,

like he was when he lived there &like he was all day sat & sun

i think i am going to tell him to go back im so tired of this ,

hes treating me like SH*t

its just so hard everything has fallen apart not just him i cant take all this !!

all i do is cry ,

except when he came over ,i put on a nice face

thank u for ur words:(

they were very helpful ,i know what i need to do!

[TheDiva]

OHHHhh I didn't mean to make you cry! My heart is just breaking for you, you deserve so much better than he can give you! Someone once told me that love cannot be love if it makes you hurt. I still haven't completely figured that one out... but I do understand the concept. If your love leaves you in tears; unable to do even the most basic of things to care for yourself,then it isn't really worth it. People that love you will do anything to keep you from crying, even if it means hurting themselves to make you happy. I hope you can find the strength to push him out of your life until he can make a decision for himself, instead of having you on "standby" status.. If he must continue to live in misery then let him do it alone. Even with your support he hasn't shown you that you mean that much to him. Its almost as if he is trying to turn you into the bad guy!

 

Just breathe and tell yourself "I don't deserve this!"

[lynnered]

thank u again Diva

he was supposed to be here 930 latest its 11:10 still isnt here ,signed off IM so i dont know

i at least wanted to see him talk face to face

he works nights so if he falls asleep....

i havent seen him or heard his voice since friday i dropeed him off at moms

thanks for great advice

[lynnered]

still not here almost 12,

i just dont know how im going to make it !

i hurt so much & cant stop crying

ive been with him 4 years known him 6!

i feel like im going to have a breakdown!

i dont know how im going to get through this !

im broke ,having trouble at work well i have sometime off so all i do is sit in the house & cry ,dont have money to go out or shop:mad:

everything in my life is falling apart & i cant stop any of it ,dont know how to fix it still dont know whats best to do with him at least i felt talking to him face to face would give me a better feel & if he thinks hes going back i would know where i stand to walk away

it hurts so much that hes out of her house & cant even call me ,

i just want this pain to go away & feel like me again

thank u diva for listening & good advice