bluecastle Posted March 17, 2018 Posted March 17, 2018 Broke up with my ex of 3 years in late Sept after a tumultuous 4 month tailspin. Last significant contact was late Nov, when there was some drama (mutual confessions of infidelity, hers at the end, mine at the beginning when things were ill-defined) and vague talk about reconciliation after we aired these truths. Crazy as it sounds, I'd wondered if we could build trust out of that hard place. But I learned she started seeing someone else shortly after, and took that for what it was—a young woman (26, I'm 38) still seeking the attention of other men and not the woman for me these days. Since then I've worked on healing as I see fit: therapy, travel, reflection, not dating so much as preparing myself to really be ready. It's been hard and wonderful. Last month I spent in another country—in part because I love it there and because there's a local holiday where we live and I wasn't ready to celebrate without her or to see her celebrating with a new person. I haven't initiated any contact since, but have replied to two cordial texts ("Merry Christmas" "Hope you're doing well"). Anyway, at the end of my trip my ex surprised me with a text: "Are you still in [the city we live]?" Within only a few hours with no reply, she added: "I take your silence means you have no interest in seeing me." This was the kind of passive aggressive manipulation she turned to often toward the end of the relationship. Wanting to avoid it (though maybe indulging it?) I opted to reply like an adult: "I'm in [other country] at the moment—back home next week." She quickly shot back: "Somehow I already ****ing knew that." (Though we're blocked on social media, I assume someone told her, same way I get inevitable updates about her life.) Her hostility threw me, and hurt. I don't understand what's behind it: she's dating, she's free, she no longer needs to feel guilt about her choices—what's the deal? Ever since I've been torn about whether or not to tell her that this sort of thing really hurts. I'm used to being able to end relationships with some grace, and thought we'd accomplished that. Is there any kind of communication at this point that could help with the healing process, or do I just take this as a little attention-seeking jab on the road toward moving on?
TeddyPSmith Posted March 17, 2018 Posted March 17, 2018 My ex and I had a similar age gap (42 and 30) and she often resorted to passive aggressive tactics. It’s such a shifty way to communicate and really just sets the stage for even worse communication. You get to be the adult but also feel torn to indulge it just to get the love you desire. I don’t know that telling her it hurts will gain you anything. I have to think that she sort of intends to hurt you with those remarks, although maybe it’s subconsciously. If you have no desire to be with her again, maybe you should let her sleep in the bed she made. Good luck
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2018 Posted March 18, 2018 She's mad because she realized you're not waiting around as her back-up. This is her ego talking, nothing more. Don't bother with further contact. You two are clearly not good together. 3
Author bluecastle Posted March 18, 2018 Author Posted March 18, 2018 I've been reluctant to block her for two reasons: 1. I've never had to take that step, and really hoped we could establish something like peace and grace. 2. There's probably still a small percentage of me that's emotionally holding onto whatever story I was telling that we were good together. For all the bs and mistakes we made, we did our best and made a fair amount of magic in the process. I value that, as well as the lessons, some very hard ones, that I've been processing in the wake of it all. Blocking all that out feels harsh, but it may be the next step.
Author bluecastle Posted March 18, 2018 Author Posted March 18, 2018 She's mad because she realized you're not waiting around as her back-up. This is her ego talking, nothing more. Don't bother with further contact. You two are clearly not good together. Yeah, that's kind of what I decided. I'm sure some part of me hoped it was more than ego—that she was trying to express longing, regrets, confusion, something human. But I guess I just have to accept that, even after three years together, her dominant feelings toward me are hate. Or maybe it's just a projection of her own insecurities. Such is life.
ikoro0003 Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 U need a matured mind to settle down in ur life, raise some kids put ur emotions to something more worthy. Shes too immature, will never settle so please let go. Meet someone closer to ur age gap then settle down and let go of all that crap. Aint gnna help you. she only reaches out when shes bored or want something. Who cares if she is dating someone else, or whether it was a quick one. Live ur own life and at ur own pace. Life is too fragile to hurt urself emotionally over someonelse bad choices. U cant save people. Move on
Ronni_W Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 She quickly shot back: "Somehow I already ****ing knew that." Her hostility threw me, and hurt. Sorry if I'm not getting this: Do you mean that it hurt that she expressed that she had some type of 'energetic/psychic connection' to you and/or to what you were up to at that specific time? I've been reluctant to block her for two reasons: 1. I've never had to take that step, and really hoped we could establish something like peace and grace. I agree with you that peace and grace (harmony within and without) ought to be our first intention and goal. But if what we're doing is not working to bring that about, then we ought to change our strategies and tactics...but not our goal. . If you keep perceiving negativity and/or hostility from her side, and keep feeling hurt by her actions, then, for peace and grace, you need to block...yes?
Author bluecastle Posted March 19, 2018 Author Posted March 19, 2018 Sorry if I'm not getting this: Do you mean that it hurt that she expressed that she had some type of 'energetic/psychic connection' to you and/or to what you were up to at that specific time? I agree with you that peace and grace (harmony within and without) ought to be our first intention and goal. But if what we're doing is not working to bring that about, then we ought to change our strategies and tactics...but not our goal. . If you keep perceiving negativity and/or hostility from her side, and keep feeling hurt by her actions, then, for peace and grace, you need to block...yes? It hurt that she reaches out, already knowing where I am, and then when I tell her I'm showered in expletives. For a moment it seemed she had something to say, but then I was left to conclude that she just wanted to vent. As for blocking, it's the next step for sure. I think what's hard for me is, last we spoke, there was real warmth. For the time being I've just chosen silence and forward momentum—heading to another city for a month to do some work and enjoy my life. Thanks for listening.
Art_Critic Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 It is worth replying? It never is... and it wasn't when you replied to her the first time
Ronni_W Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 It hurt that she reaches out, already knowing where I am Thanks for clearing that up - I thought you said that you had only assumed that she knew where you were...but if you know for sure that she knew for sure, then, of course, that's very different.
Author bluecastle Posted March 19, 2018 Author Posted March 19, 2018 Thanks for clearing that up - I thought you said that you had only assumed that she knew where you were...but if you know for sure that she knew for sure, then, of course, that's very different. Well, I don't know much "for sure." Just left to interpret the hieroglyphics, so to speak. But when I told her where I was—and, yes, it's a place we've gone together, but a place she knows I go yearly—she did say, "Somehow I already ****ing knew that." And then...nadda. We have mutual friends. Easy enough to know those things. And I get that a lot of that is inner anger being externalized, or maybe some kind of momentary longing/regret bubbling up. Still, just frustrating. And sad. Probably just means that now is not the time to find that grace together, but to keep cultivating it from within.
Mac0908 Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 What surprises me most is that you were able to last 3 years in a relationship with this woman. Excuse me, girl. Seems like she's just flat out immature in many ways and I'm sure you experienced this time and time again. Maybe you didn't want to let go bc you were in love. Maybe you made mistakes too and that lead to some of her behavior. I don't know. Nobody on here could ever comprehend what went on in those 3 years and especially what brought things down. But now things need to end. Mutual confessions of infidelity? Her harassing you via text? Too much damage has been done. Just my two cents. You not blocking her and all that is normal. You're not ready to let go and move on yet. Understandable after such a long relationship. But soon, you will be ready to truly move on. I just hope its not at the cost of more drama for you.
Author bluecastle Posted March 19, 2018 Author Posted March 19, 2018 What surprises me most is that you were able to last 3 years in a relationship with this woman. Excuse me, girl. Seems like she's just flat out immature in many ways and I'm sure you experienced this time and time again. Maybe you didn't want to let go bc you were in love. Maybe you made mistakes too and that lead to some of her behavior. I don't know. Nobody on here could ever comprehend what went on in those 3 years and especially what brought things down. But now things need to end. Mutual confessions of infidelity? Her harassing you via text? Too much damage has been done. Just my two cents. You not blocking her and all that is normal. You're not ready to let go and move on yet. Understandable after such a long relationship. But soon, you will be ready to truly move on. I just hope its not at the cost of more drama for you. Believe me, I've spent the past 5/6 months wondering how it all happened, what I didn't see, and so on. I knew she had had some mental health issues in the past, and the truth is they didn't really resurface until 2 years in, at which point this kind of immature behavior became the norm, to say nothing of the sheer ugliness that unspooled in the last months. So, yes, part of me is still wondering what happened to the woman I spent those first two years with, and a part of me is just not totally ready to move on. That said, the logical part of my brain (detached from attraction, longing, and my own issues/insecurities) has been guiding me through the breakup. Thanks for this, really. Probably I posted on here hoping for this sort of reality check.
Standard-Fare Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 OP, I'm not sure how long ago your ex sent those texts? If it was recent (within the past few days), it may be worth a reply from you along the lines of: "Hey, I'm sensing a kind of hostile tone here and I'm not sure why. I'm not up for any drama. Breakups are awful but I want us to handle this gracefully and move forward with our lives. Hope you are well." You know, be kind but firm—you're not inviting her back into your life. If she's mature, she'll either let that be or respond with something of the same tone. If she's immature, it could invite more drama/hostility, which you'd need to cut off with "I'm not interested in doing this with you" or possibly blocking. If you prefer silence, that's perfectly fine, too, but for the ignored party that tactic often creates more anxiety and anger. Sometimes it's best to communicate directly in order to settle the drama. 1
Author bluecastle Posted March 20, 2018 Author Posted March 20, 2018 OP, I'm not sure how long ago your ex sent those texts? If it was recent (within the past few days), it may be worth a reply from you along the lines of: "Hey, I'm sensing a kind of hostile tone here and I'm not sure why. I'm not up for any drama. Breakups are awful but I want us to handle this gracefully and move forward with our lives. Hope you are well." You know, be kind but firm—you're not inviting her back into your life. If she's mature, she'll either let that be or respond with something of the same tone. If she's immature, it could invite more drama/hostility, which you'd need to cut off with "I'm not interested in doing this with you" or possibly blocking. If you prefer silence, that's perfectly fine, too, but for the ignored party that tactic often creates more anxiety and anger. Sometimes it's best to communicate directly in order to settle the drama. It was three weeks ago. Honestly, it took me that time just to process it. Too late, or the right window for a response?
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