Jilly10340 Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 So I started dating this guy about 8 months ago. At first everything was great, he was so nice and sweet. A couple months ago we talked about moving in together in August. Well, I thought he only wanted to because I wanted to and he reassured me saying things like, "well we have time, I'll make you believe and trust me." And he would make these plans of what we would do once we moved in together, etc. Eventually I really did trust him and believe that we would move in together and it was what he really wanted. He told his mom and dad seperately. They didn't take the news very well, they don't believe in moving in together so soon after dating and his dad basically told him that they would be very hurt and disappointed if we moved in together. So then he completely changed his mind. I asked if he still wanted to move in together and he said that he would but he could'nt help being disappointed that his parents didn't approve. He's 26 years old, btw. He said that if he had his choice he would want to wait until January or later so that everyone would be happy. I was so mad. Ok....1.) I'm not moving in with his parents, I'm moving in with him. 2.) It took a lot for me to trust him, and he totally screwed me over 3.) I don't know how to deal with that fact that his decisions and opinions change on the whim of his parents. So now I don't trust him at all. After that, I started questioning everything he did, we started arguing, he started to get mean when we argued (which he never did before.) So now we've been fighting constantly for the past two months, I don't trust him, he doesn't trust me, the whole thing is a mess. We've decided to slow things down but I don't think it's helping. Like, we're not spending the night together anymore, not really having sex like we used to, not seeing each other everyday, not emailing at work anymore. I just don't feel like he cares at all. He doesn't do any of the things that he used to. We used to email each other all the time at work and now he barely can email at all because "he's so busy." His job did change but I can't help feeling left out. He used to do things like send me flowers at work, write big long emails about how he feels about me, wanted to see me all the time, etc. I used to feel special, now I feel like I'm not even important to him. I've tried to tell him this but he gets all defensive and I can't even stand talking to him after that. I've told him all this that I've written here too. Nothing seems to get through to him. I don't know what to do anymore. We've broken up a couple times, and I always end up calling him, he never calls me afterward. I feel as if I'm the only one keeping this relationship going. I feel like at anytime he's going to completely change and start being mean to me again. I feel like I can't depend on him to be ther for me, because he obviously cares what his family thinks over me. I mean, what if we decide to move in next year and they don't like it still? Is he going to change his mind then too? What if we want to get married and they don't like it? I think about all these things all the time. I really do love him but I read into everything he does and it just makes me want to pull farther away from him. I really want us to work but I don't know how to fix this. I used to feel so connected to him, like we were on the same page. Now sometimes I feel like we're strangers, and that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm so lost, I cry all the time, it just seems hopeless. Any advice......
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 He told his mom and dad seperately. They didn't take the news very well, they don't believe in moving in together so soon after dating and his dad basically told him that they would be very hurt and disappointed if we moved in together. Is this hearsay, or do you know for a fact how they feel about it? It sounds to me like there's more to his decision than just 'pleasing his parents'. It sounds like he is checking out of the relationship and letting it die a slow and painful death and using this as a convenient excuse. Not sure what you can do to stop the process, if he isn't interested in stopping it. All I can think to do is to let him know that you know (if you speculate or say you 'think' he is - then that will give him what he needs to be defensive about it and try to deny it even while his actions say very clearly that he is) he's checking out of the relationship, and if he would rather go ahead and break up now - it would ultimately be less painful than letting it drag on like this. If he has some attachment to you, he may allow you two to limp forward for a while longer until he no longer feels that attachment - but I'm not seeing much to suggest that things can be fixed unless he tells you point blank that he is interested in working things out with you (needing 'space' is not 'working things out' - so if he offers that option you may as well consider that its pretty much over).
Author Jilly10340 Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 He has told me that he is interested in working things out. We decided to slow things down because nothing else has worked. We've tried talking, we've tried going on as before but we always argue. We decided that we should try to build back up to where things used to be. Like, learning how to trust and respect each other. He says that this way has to work because he doesn't want to be without me, that I'm his soulmate, etc. There has been a lot of tears on both sides, I just don't know if and how things can be fixed. I know for a fact how his parents feel. They are both old fashioned and religious.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 He has told me that he is interested in working things out. That's half the battle right there. At least he's willing!
Author Jilly10340 Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 um.......ok.......thanks...... Any other advice?
Linus Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Here's how I see this. You want him to be the way he was. He stopped being that way and you don't like it. His parents may very well be a strong influence in his life. Maybe he was ambivalent about moving in together, and this has caused him to think about it more. If your relationship is in rocky territory, which it is based on what you describe, moving in would be the last thing I'd do. If things fall apart then you're in a difficult position, and one of you may be without a place to live. There's some contradiction in what you wrote; on the one hand you said that you can't get through to him anymore, then later you said he wants to work it all out. Remember that saying something and actually walking the walk are very different things. He must SHOW you that he wants things to improve, and this will mean seeing more of you, perhaps going back to some of his old ways (flowers, etc.). You, too, will have to SHOW him that you want to fix things, too. If there is no action, then you need to confront a very painful situation, and that is to break up. You will need to be very brave, but if there is a stated desire to fix the situation and no follow-through, then I think you must end it.
Author Jilly10340 Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 Awwww, you read my mind. Yes, I do want him to go back to the way he used to be. I don't like how he is now. About moving in......after his dad told him that and he said that he would be upset that his parents didn't approve, I told him that we should just wait then. I told him I didn't want to move in with someone who wasn't 100% happy with it. Like I said, he said he would still move in with me, but he would be upset about his parents. I don't want moving in to be a negative thing, so I'd rather not move in. So that's out of the picture. But since then, our relationship has been going downhill. And yes, it is a contradiction. He says one thing but he acts completely different sometimes. Like, I don't like this "forced seperation" we're doing and I just told him this in an email. It's not working for me. Being seperated isn't working things out, it's avoiding conflict. And I think that I HAVE been showing that I want things to go back to the way they used to be. Like, when we first started dating he said he really liked when I called him first thing in the morning because he likes to wake up to the sound of my voice. So the first thing I did was call him to say goodmorning. When we talked a few hours later, he didn't even mention it or say thank you or anything. Like it didn't mean anything.
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