flavia_az Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I have been single for several years after a bad breakup, trying to "find" myself. Not that I am content with being single and have a very busy life, I'm back in the dating scene, thinking I'm ready and willing to be in a relationship. I met a what you'd think would be a perfect man - good character, fun, dynamic, cute. Does all the right things. At first, I was very glad to see what finally I found someone with a potential of turning into something serious. After the first date it was obvious that he was very interested. He started texting me every day, suggesting ideas for future dates. "thinking of you" kind of texts. Made plans in advance for a future date (2 in one week). He is obviously interested in seeing me multiple times a week. I felt flattered at first, but pretty quickly I started feeling like there is too much expectations and too much pressure to go in too quickly. I'm trying to look in introspect and see if maybe I'm the problem. Am I afraid of intimacy? Is it the guy who's moving too fast? Or am I just not that into him? I've been in love before where I wanted to be around the person instead of making excuses not to see him. Where I didn't have to rationalize that "he is a great guy" and that I should try to make it work. Thought? Ideas? 1
newyorker11356 Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 (edited) Could just be a matter of you not being ready for a serious relationship right now, and less about the guy. Do you want to take things slow with this guy, or just have no desire to really see him? That will likely answer whether it has to do with you being into him or not. But like I said, could just be that you're not ready for anything serious right now. Edited March 14, 2018 by newyorker11356
Zapbasket Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 Maybe you're just entering into things with more caution, having experienced a traumatic breakup. Also, when you're single for a long time, you can get comfortable in a routine and it takes some adjustment to let someone into that routine, or to change it up for someone. That's not necessarily fear or emotional unavailability; it's just the usual aches and pains of breaking habit. Keep seeing the guy, but stay proactive about evaluating whether he's the guy for you. If you let him in and still not fully feeling it after a while, then cut it off. Try not to worry.
newyorker11356 Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 You're not that into him. Eh, I don't know if I'd automatically say that. She's been single for years, and just now got back into the dating scene. It won't be an easy adjustment at first for her. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 Tell him you need to dial it back a bit but want to continue seeing him (if you do want to, of course) He sounds like he's rushing it a bit, and your rational side is kicking in and telling you it's too much too soon. You don't necessarily have a problem with intimacy, but you sound like you've learned to take a more cautious and measured approach. You can keep exploring this without feeling like you always need to say yes to him.
OpenBook Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 It's very common for a guy who meets a girl he's crazy about to try to push the relationship along too fast. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM for doing this. He's just being a normal testosterone-driven man God bless him, that's how he was designed to be. But you're right, it's generally a better idea to let a relationship (esp. a potentially great one!) unfold at its own natural organic pace, rather than rush it along. Especially if you're not comfortable with that accelerated speed! And since he's being a normal guy, it's up to you to pace the relationship. This is also normal and natural, for the woman to "be the pace car" in a budding romance. My suggestion is, listen to your heart and head, and take steps to slow down the pace of getting to know him better - i.e., just see him once or twice a week, or whatever pace you're comfortable with - without making an issue of it or explaining why. Just say something like "I can see you Thursday night" and leave it at that (don't offer any other times of the week to see him). Be nice and sweet to him so he understands you're not trying to blow him off. Just don't burden him down with all the why's and wherefore's. That's a drag. Be light, flirty and a little mysterious about it. Good luck and wishing you A Fine Romance!!
Miss Spider Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 He could just be too much. Maybe date more guys to figure it out. If you date and find a pattern of where you are interested in the guy but you lose it as they come closer and the relationship progresses... then you might have a problem 1
hippychick3 Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 I think he is just moving too fast for you too soon. You've been single and independent for awhile, and too much togetherness is not comfortable for you yet. I'd slow things down without rejecting him and see where things go.
smackie9 Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 Either you are not that into him, or he's pushin it and it's turning you off, or it's not feeling right because his feelings are waaaaaay to ahead of you which can be alarming to some. Slowing things down is an option, BUT it can also back fire on you. I think it's important to be on the same page, then things run smoothly without someone looking obsessive, then acting like a tool because they are not getting what they want....which in turn put pressure/guilt on you. My personally experience I tried to not waste my time on someone that wasn't feeling as excited and attracted to me as much I was with them. So it's only fair to let him know so he can decide if he wants to make it work. Maybe that will fix things who knows. 1
PRW Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 (edited) After the first date it was obvious that he was very interested. He started texting me every day, suggesting ideas for future dates. "thinking of you" kind of texts. Made plans in advance for a future date (2 in one week). He is obviously interested in seeing me multiple times a week. I felt flattered at first, but pretty quickly I started feeling like there is too much expectations and too much pressure to go in too quickly. Bingo!! This is the number one problem with guys today. This is the needy, over-eager, low-confidence "nice-guy". These are the guys that can easily turn into Stalkers that won't take no for an answer. The feelings you ended up with in response to this, is textbook. Hang around these forums much and you will see this over and over and over,...endlessly. I am usually the one giving these guys a hard time while trying to get them to "see the light". It is usually in vain and most of the push back I get are from women who are encouraging them in their replies to the guy's posts. I have a framework that I usually explain to these guys to get them from "0" to the point of becoming "exclusive". I kind of leave them on their own after that point. Since I am usually giving this to guys I'll have to bend it around to explain it from your perspective. You'll have to use this as push-back to keep these guys slowed down so they don't go off the rails. Yes it is kind of a rigid framework, but the guys that make a mess out of this need that,...at least in the beginning. But you can use this as a form of protection and if the guy keeps going off the rails then you know to get away from him. 1. The first few weeks the guy contacts you once a week around Monday or Tues and makes a date for the weekend. The date needs to be specific, not "maybe-kinda-fuzzy" dates. No chit-chat during the week in between, save it for the date in person so you have more to talk about and it helps build anticipation for the date so you look more forward to it. Explain this to the guy if he keeps contacting you. Be direct. Guys who don't get this also don't get "hints". So just tell him "Let's save it for the date". You are still not exclusive, still not boyfriend/girlfriend, and both still have the right to see other people (even if you don't choose to act on that,...it is a frame of mind). At this point don't allow him to bring up labels (boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, etc). Labels are your job at the end of this explanation. 2. After a few weeks if he has not turned you off yet, and if you feel comfortable about it contact him between the dates. It can be simple "Hi how are you doing" stuff. He is supposed to take this as his "cue" to make the next date. If he doesn't take the "cue" then explain it to him. Again avoid the ongoing chit-chat. At this stage you are now the one with the power in that the dates happen as little or as often as you contact him (and he responds by making the date). You are still not exclusive, still not boyfriend/girlfriend, and both still have the right to see other people (even if you don't choose to act on that,...it is a frame of mind). At this point still don't allow him to bring up labels (boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, etc). Labels are your job at the end of this explanation. 3. When it gets to about 2 months or so,...if you haven't decided to drop him yet,...if you want to be exclusive and not date other people it is up to you to bring up the conversation. The guy should never bring up that conversation because 99% of the time he will do it too soon. You might agree to it if you fear you'd loose him, but it won't ever feel quite right. You'll feel similar to how you described in your question,...but worse. So anyway, you bring it up and if he agrees then you are now exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend and you both should drop off others you might be seeing if you chose to do that earlier. Now you can slap all the labels on things you want to. If you managed to get this far then hopefully you, and particularly him, have learned enough to keep it on the rails. Edited March 15, 2018 by PRW 1
PRW Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 Either you are not that into him, or he's pushin it and it's turning you off, or it's not feeling right because his feelings are waaaaaay to ahead of you which can be alarming to some. Slowing things down is an option, BUT it can also back fire on you. I think it's important to be on the same page, then things run smoothly without someone looking obsessive, then acting like a tool because they are not getting what they want....which in turn put pressure/guilt on you. Smart girl
Author flavia_az Posted March 15, 2018 Author Posted March 15, 2018 So there is a new twist to the story. I asked him politely for a time out, explaining that I feel that there is a lot of pressure on me as I had been out of the dating scene for a long time. Said I am going to take a couple of weeks to take care of some things at home/work and get a chance to clear my head. He said he understood and looked forward to seeing me when I was ready. The next day he contacted me and suggested that we can hang out as friends with no expectation of dating, that way I don't have the pressure of a date but rather just get to know each other and see where things go. I agreed to that, after which he mentioned that "friendships, like relationships, take commitment and people have to talk and engage to maintain the friendship", as he put it. What a minute, how can you force a friendship? Isn't that he point to have things progress naturally instead of putting expectations on each other?? At this point I feel smothered. The more pressure I feel the less I miss this guy and want to be around him... Bummer as I did like him initially.
Author flavia_az Posted March 15, 2018 Author Posted March 15, 2018 Bingo!! This is the number one problem with guys today. This is the needy, over-eager, low-confidence "nice-guy". These are the guys that can easily turn into Stalkers that won't take no for an answer. The feelings you ended up with in response to this, is textbook. Hang around these forums much and you will see this over and over and over,...endlessly. I am usually the one giving these guys a hard time while trying to get them to "see the light". It is usually in vain and most of the push back I get are from women who are encouraging them in their replies to the guy's posts. I have a framework that I usually explain to these guys to get them from "0" to the point of becoming "exclusive". I kind of leave them on their own after that point. Since I am usually giving this to guys I'll have to bend it around to explain it from your perspective. You'll have to use this as push-back to keep these guys slowed down so they don't go off the rails. Yes it is kind of a rigid framework, but the guys that make a mess out of this need that,...at least in the beginning. But you can use this as a form of protection and if the guy keeps going off the rails then you know to get away from him. 1. The first few weeks the guy contacts you once a week around Monday or Tues and makes a date for the weekend. The date needs to be specific, not "maybe-kinda-fuzzy" dates. No chit-chat during the week in between, save it for the date in person so you have more to talk about and it helps build anticipation for the date so you look more forward to it. Explain this to the guy if he keeps contacting you. Be direct. Guys who don't get this also don't get "hints". So just tell him "Let's save it for the date". You are still not exclusive, still not boyfriend/girlfriend, and both still have the right to see other people (even if you don't choose to act on that,...it is a frame of mind). At this point don't allow him to bring up labels (boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, etc). Labels are your job at the end of this explanation. 2. After a few weeks if he has not turned you off yet, and if you feel comfortable about it contact him between the dates. It can be simple "Hi how are you doing" stuff. He is supposed to take this as his "cue" to make the next date. If he doesn't take the "cue" then explain it to him. Again avoid the ongoing chit-chat. At this stage you are now the one with the power in that the dates happen as little or as often as you contact him (and he responds by making the date). You are still not exclusive, still not boyfriend/girlfriend, and both still have the right to see other people (even if you don't choose to act on that,...it is a frame of mind). At this point still don't allow him to bring up labels (boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, etc). Labels are your job at the end of this explanation. 3. When it gets to about 2 months or so,...if you haven't decided to drop him yet,...if you want to be exclusive and not date other people it is up to you to bring up the conversation. The guy should never bring up that conversation because 99% of the time he will do it too soon. You might agree to it if you fear you'd loose him, but it won't ever feel quite right. You'll feel similar to how you described in your question,...but worse. So anyway, you bring it up and if he agrees then you are now exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend and you both should drop off others you might be seeing if you chose to do that earlier. Now you can slap all the labels on things you want to. If you managed to get this far then hopefully you, and particularly him, have learned enough to keep it on the rails. Love it! Can we make this a sticky?
PRW Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 Love it! Can we make this a sticky? Knock yourself out! I'm a "new" member though and don't have abilities to do that.
PRW Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 So there is a new twist to the story. I asked him politely for a time out, explaining that I feel that there is a lot of pressure on me as I had been out of the dating scene for a long time. Said I am going to take a couple of weeks to take care of some things at home/work and get a chance to clear my head. He said he understood and looked forward to seeing me when I was ready. The next day he contacted me and suggested that we can hang out as friends with no expectation of dating, that way I don't have the pressure of a date but rather just get to know each other and see where things go. Right! First he agrees to a couple weeks "away" then immediately the next day contacts you to get together,....but just as friends. He's just trying to sneak in under the radar with the "friends" thing. It is manipulative.
hippychick3 Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 Bingo!! This is the number one problem with guys today. This is the needy, over-eager, low-confidence "nice-guy". These are the guys that can easily turn into Stalkers that won't take no for an answer. The feelings you ended up with in response to this, is textbook. Hang around these forums much and you will see this over and over and over,...endlessly. I have a framework that I usually explain to these guys to get them from "0" to the point of becoming "exclusive". I kind of leave them on their own after that point. Since I am usually giving this to guys I'll have to bend it around to explain it from your perspective. You'll have to use this as push-back to keep these guys slowed down so they don't go off the rails. Yes it is kind of a rigid framework, but the guys that make a mess out of this need that,...at least in the beginning. But you can use this as a form of protection and if the guy keeps going off the rails then you know to get away from him. 1. The first few weeks the guy contacts you once a week around Monday or Tues and makes a date for the weekend. The date needs to be specific, not "maybe-kinda-fuzzy" dates. No chit-chat during the week in between, save it for the date in person so you have more to talk about and it helps build anticipation for the date so you look more forward to it. Explain this to the guy if he keeps contacting you. Be direct. Guys who don't get this also don't get "hints". So just tell him "Let's save it for the date". You are still not exclusive, still not boyfriend/girlfriend, and both still have the right to see other people (even if you don't choose to act on that,...it is a frame of mind). At this point don't allow him to bring up labels (boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, etc). Labels are your job at the end of this explanation. 2. After a few weeks if he has not turned you off yet, and if you feel comfortable about it contact him between the dates. It can be simple "Hi how are you doing" stuff. He is supposed to take this as his "cue" to make the next date. If he doesn't take the "cue" then explain it to him. Again avoid the ongoing chit-chat. At this stage you are now the one with the power in that the dates happen as little or as often as you contact him (and he responds by making the date). You are still not exclusive, still not boyfriend/girlfriend, and both still have the right to see other people (even if you don't choose to act on that,...it is a frame of mind). At this point still don't allow him to bring up labels (boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, etc). Labels are your job at the end of this explanation. 3. When it gets to about 2 months or so,...if you haven't decided to drop him yet,...if you want to be exclusive and not date other people it is up to you to bring up the conversation. The guy should never bring up that conversation because 99% of the time he will do it too soon. You might agree to it if you fear you'd loose him, but it won't ever feel quite right. You'll feel similar to how you described in your question,...but worse. So anyway, you bring it up and if he agrees then you are now exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend and you both should drop off others you might be seeing if you chose to do that earlier. Now you can slap all the labels on things you want to. If you managed to get this far then hopefully you, and particularly him, have learned enough to keep it on the rails. If a guy did not contact me between dates, I assumed low interest and thus my interest in him diminished. I was more likely to move on to a seemingly more interested guy. All of my successful relationships including current one included daily texts or communication since the first date. And, I prefer the guy bring up the labels and exclusivity. I then have the option of accepting or not accepting. I would never be the one to bring it up. This advice doesn't "fit" everyone and can backfire.
hippychick3 Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 So there is a new twist to the story. I asked him politely for a time out, explaining that I feel that there is a lot of pressure on me as I had been out of the dating scene for a long time. Said I am going to take a couple of weeks to take care of some things at home/work and get a chance to clear my head. He said he understood and looked forward to seeing me when I was ready. The next day he contacted me and suggested that we can hang out as friends with no expectation of dating, that way I don't have the pressure of a date but rather just get to know each other and see where things go. I agreed to that, after which he mentioned that "friendships, like relationships, take commitment and people have to talk and engage to maintain the friendship", as he put it. What a minute, how can you force a friendship? Isn't that he point to have things progress naturally instead of putting expectations on each other?? At this point I feel smothered. The more pressure I feel the less I miss this guy and want to be around him... Bummer as I did like him initially. This sounds very manipulative on his part. I would probably completely lose interest at this point.
newyorker11356 Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 So there is a new twist to the story. I asked him politely for a time out, explaining that I feel that there is a lot of pressure on me as I had been out of the dating scene for a long time. Said I am going to take a couple of weeks to take care of some things at home/work and get a chance to clear my head. He said he understood and looked forward to seeing me when I was ready. The next day he contacted me and suggested that we can hang out as friends with no expectation of dating, that way I don't have the pressure of a date but rather just get to know each other and see where things go. I agreed to that, after which he mentioned that "friendships, like relationships, take commitment and people have to talk and engage to maintain the friendship", as he put it. What a minute, how can you force a friendship? Isn't that he point to have things progress naturally instead of putting expectations on each other?? At this point I feel smothered. The more pressure I feel the less I miss this guy and want to be around him... Bummer as I did like him initially. Wow, the guy blew it himself...
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