smile Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Ok so lately I have been thinking about this NC thing and just trying to make sense of everything. I was reading that you shouldn't just start NC and not explain why. Well about 2 months ago I asked for a couple of weeks to figure everything out bc this transition was hard for me blah blah blah. Anyhow, after that two weeks we talked a bit and hung out and it was so akward for me that I decided I needed more time. A lot more. The thing is, I never really said anything else to him. I just stopped answering his calls. And when I did answer and he would say "I called you like 5 times in the last three days " I would just say "I know". So does he deserve , or even need an other email or something saying that I need more time? I am not sure if this is me wanting to make sure he knows what is going on, or if this is just me needing to contact him in some way. The way I was planning on doing it was to send it the day that my current ISP was going to be shut off that way he can't reply to the email bc my email will be invalid. That way its not about getting a response or a reaction , but its about letting him know whats going on. Bc he has been calling and txting, and even tho its been two weeks since his last txt he never really seemed to get it about why ya know? Or maybe he got it but he just didn't think I would stick to it, in which case the email seems a bit much eh? Acck I dont know. I was packing up stuff yesterday and I came across a box of stuff I put away. Pictures of us, cards he sent me, little notes he would leave for me when he went to work in the mornings.... I just fell apart. These last few days have been absolute torture and it feels like we just broke up. Some mornings I even wake up feeling like I had been sleeping next to him.... but of course he isnt there. This hurts so much. I dont think I have felt an emptiness like this before. I am doing things for myself, and hanging out with friends and stuff but in those quiet moments alone I just fall apart. Is that natural for this to resurface now?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 its been two weeks since his last txt That is at the root of your wanting to contact him, I expect. 'No Contact' was working for you, as long as he continued to try contacting you. Now that he has stopped - the real 'no contact' will have to begin. It won't be any easier, either - but in the wake of his silence, then and only then will you really be making progress in letting go. If he wants an explanation, let him ask for one. Until then, you'll have to move on into the real 'nc'.
Art_Critic Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 That is at the root of your wanting to contact him, I If he wants an explanation, let him ask for one. Until then, you'll have to move on into the real 'nc'. good advice .. just remember though that you don't need to be the one to prompt him Keep up the NC .. You will feel better
Mr.positive Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 I think no call bull**** is bull**** why cant people just be fn mature. Its all a waste of time. People build up relationships with other people for years and then just throw it all away in one minute. Just seems like a waste of time to me. Im still good friends with most of my xs. stupid if you ask me. might not be reality but it should be.
bluechocolate Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 I think no call bull**** is bull**** why cant people just be fn mature. Its all a waste of time. People build up relationships with other people for years and then just throw it all away in one minute. Just seems like a waste of time to me. Im still good friends with most of my xs. stupid if you ask me. might not be reality but it should be. If you're still friends with most of your exe's good for you. For many people break-ups happen to be onesided, in that one of the party doesn't want things to end. I think in situations like that no-contact is the humane thing to do. People will hang around "as friends" in the forlorn hope that one day they'll get back together. In my mind that just prolongs the agony and delays the inevitable. Some people find themselves in toxic relationships that they know they need to end but can't when they keep getting dragged back in through continued contact. I don't think there is anything immature about someone deciding to take control of their life & move on when a relationship has ended. I have read so many posts by people who hang around their exe's as friends when what they really want is much more & end up emotionally crippled & destroying any chance they may have had of ever really being friends. Having a period of no contact to get over a relationship doesn't preclude people from ever being friends.
Author smile Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 Mr Positive, I felt the same way you did about nc. I thought why throw away this friendship and closeness that we had. We have a real connection and that doesnt happen everyday. But the thing is we can't just be friends. There is the part of me that still wants him and there is the part of him that knows that. This has led to a full year of pushing and pulling from him on the sexual side, on the emotional support side. And it was always one sided. For him, the difference between us being together and us being "just friends" was that if he isnt in a relationship he got what he wanted but didnt have to dish out what I wanted or needed. And bc I thought we were working it out I was ok with that. For that reason I can't be around him. He pushes me only so far and then reels me back in. I love this guy so much and in this last year he has done things I cant believe he has done to me. So in a way I am too hurt to even be able to talk to him. I feel so much hostility when he talks and I cant control the random bouts of crying. One day I would like to be his friend, but I am not sure if and when I can. Maybe it still seems like bs to you but i know how it feels for me. I miss him like crazy but I cant fix anything for him.. and for me it hurt too much to hang around. Everyday hearing something different. Watching him slowly turn into someone I dont recognize, that hurts. LucreziaBorgia what you said is right and wrong. I mean it was ok at first when he didn't contact me. I am not kidding those 2 weeks when I said no more and he said nothing felt so great for me. Then he called ... a lot. Thats when I started to second guess myself. Maybe he misses me , maybe he loves me .. maybe maybe maybe... i want to be ok with this. It is my decision. But now he has contacted me on and off and now its off and now I am back at square one ya know? Art critic what do you mean about me being the one to prompt him? I dont get that. I want this to stop hurting so much.I want it to stop consuming my thoughts .. even at work someone says something and I just think how funny he would think it was. But then I realize I cant call him. And I cant call him bc that guy that was my best friend, who listened and laughed and cared ... he isnt there anymore. And that hurts like hell. Oh and bluechocolate thanks. You are exactly right this turned into a toxic relationship. Instead of letting it destroy everything I got out. Maybe there is enough left to salvage a relationship with him someday. Who knows.
Author smile Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 One more thing... I have this cell phone bill.. I know i know why keep it. Anyway we split the bill as of last month but it takes a whole biling cycle for it to go through. Do I ask him for the money or suck it up and pay it? I can handle the amt I guess. It just sucks that once again I am taking care of him and handling a situation for him. But I dont know, you are all so sure NC is the way to go and its never been more than a month between us talking bc of the cell phone bill, and now the bill isnt an excuse. So what do you think? I called the cell company and the acct is changed and totally split from here on out, it was just this last bill. Any ideas?
sundrop Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Is the cell phone bill really worth the agony of contacting him? I would, if I were you, go ahead and pay it. Don't go out to lunch one day a week for a few weeks to help pay for the bill. You can call the cell phone company, explain your situation and ask for a payment plan in order to repay his part.... I ended up having to repay approx 5 grand in my ex husbands stuff he ran up on my credit card, but not having to deal with him was worth it. It all depeds on how much it is worth to you, not to have to deal with him.
RecordProducer Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 It sounds like he has hurt you a lot in the past and you had to put up with a lot of crap. If you get back together, things most likely won't get any better, at least not long-term. It's probably best for you to move on and find someone else. If that's what you decide to do then NC is the best option. Don't contact him and if he contact you, just tell him the truth regardless of whether you need more time or it's over. So what did he do so wrong in the past? Sometimes we're hurt over minor things, but sometimes we have legitimate reasons to quit the relationship and we can't see it because love blinds us. Regarding the cell-phone bill, just send it to him in a mail. Or pay for it yourself.
Author smile Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 I guess its not really what he did. I mean when we were together we had issues but we were ultimately happy. He left and wigged out and now nothing has been the same. He said he wasnt ready for anything with me. He said he needed to figure things out but I couldnt handle that. He wanted me around , he wanted to sleep with me. In my heart and head that meant he wanted me. I know he is mixed up and going through a crazy time. I just can't be around anymore. He needs to figure this out on his own. He wants me to be there in case it all falls apart but he wants to be single and meeting new girls. Everytime he comes back and says he misses me. But he doesnt want to be with me. So I am staying away not bc he did any awful mean things without being honest. He was honest. But I cant be that for him. He doesnt see how that hurts me. Its like everytime he says I am wonderful and everything that makes him happy but he doesnt want to BE with me I am rejected all over again. I cant lay in bed with him in the morning and not be able to say "I love you" bc he will cringe. I can't sit next to him and be afriad to hold his hand or touch him. I can't hold my breath everytime his cell rings... even if he looks at it and turns it off. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should be there or stay or whatever. But I just feel like I am holding my breath and settling for what I dont want. I just feel like every day that goes by like that I lose my self respect and he loses respect for me. And what I want I cant have. I want him back. I want him to want me again.. only me. But I cant make that happen. So I have to do what I have to do. But its so freaking hard. And I feel like I am making a zillion mistakes.
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