Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I've been seeing this woman for a few weeks now. I'm 34, she's 37. She's a doctor which I have never dated one before and still learning about her life. First week or so we saw each other a lot, sparks were there. We eventually had sex. Next week she caught some major sickness and work was overwhelming between meetings and commitments. Last week she went out of town for a work conference. When she got back she asked me did I miss her. Just some light teasing. The past week and a half or so she has been low energy between her work, traveling for work, and just not feeling well. I saw her Sunday night and she said "I'm afraid if you keep seeing me like this you will get the wrong idea about me " meaning that she isn't always low energy. Tuesday rolls around. She mentioned that a pain she has been having has been making her lethargic. She wanted to do something, but my ideas were more physical so no bueno. We decide to hit up the music scene downtown...BUT it was slow as hell. Trying to do something Monday night lol. She was a bit closed off it seemed from the beginning, kissed me some, put her head on my shoulder, but she mentioned her allergies were acting up and it was a bit cold outside. Not as much talking but we had a few laughs together. We were sort of trying to plan where to go and she later joked about relationship boundaries regarding the fact that I'm a huge night owl and she's a morning bird. We spent a few hours together and she apologized that her suggestion that we did didn't turn out as planned. Now generally I've taken the lead with plans and they were great. Good time, we have chemistry. It just has been dwindling because of life. Tuesday she worked for 12 hours, many surgeries so I can understand the mental and emotional toll on her doing that sort of role. It still makes me apprehensive. Even though we've had sex she mentioned she wants an emotional connection between us over time. I agree. A few times I went to her place and she just wanted to chill and relax. I would kiss her a bit, she would rub me some, but I wasn't pushing sex because I know she was drained. Now all this drained energy could genuinely be her dealing with the stressors of her career...we've rescheduled a few times because of it, she talks a lot about work, I try to help her escape, but I can't help that she may be losing interest. We met through online dating and we haven't talked exclusivity but she did mention 'relationship boundaries' about her needing her sleep which I respected. I haven't had interest on going on any other dates but if she isn't reciprocating I may just do that, but on the other hand I do like her. I obviously should talk to her but what do you all think is going on and has anyone ever dated a female doctor? Another layer is that she's a few years older than me. Thanks!
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 She sounds like someone with whom a relationship would be difficult.
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 No I have never dated a doctor but she is telling you what's going on with her so I wouldn't write her off completely. Neither would I emotionally invest. Keep other irons in the fire & see what happens. She's a smart driven person who knows how to achieve goals. If she wants you, she will find you. Perhaps send her a hope you are feeling better text. 1
Author Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 She sounds like someone with whom a relationship would be difficult. Ha yeah maybe. No I have never dated a doctor but she is telling you what's going on with her so I wouldn't write her off completely. Neither would I emotionally invest. Keep other irons in the fire & see what happens. She's a smart driven person who knows how to achieve goals. If she wants you, she will find you. Perhaps send her a hope you are feeling better text. Yeah I think she wouldn't have a problem with being direct but I know I'm emotional. She is VERY analytical which is funny because I'm in IT and analytical in my own right.
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 My brother and his wife are both 37 and she is a doctor. When they met something like 5 years ago she pursuit my brother big time, I remember she could call him like 10 times in one day, actually I think she called him after each patient lol. We thought it was cute. Their relationship evolved to dating steady and yes, a doctor especially a young doctor is very busy and their sleep is important. She could easily work 48 hours straight and come home and sleep 16 hours. Then she'd wake up but her body and mind were still exhausted. She works most weekend, always work Xmas night and Easter. It's rare she can be free for Holidays. Now they are married and expecting their first child :-) My brother has a government job so he has short days and lots of free time at will. He is the one taking care of everything, cooking, cleaning, errands, laundry. She just doesn't have the energy or the time to be involved in their home maintenance. She works mostly in emergencies, maybe one day when she has her own clinic she can dream of having a normal schedule.
Maggie4 Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Of course she's interested! Why would she hang out with you when she can be sleeping? For busy people, with illness added to it, taking the time to go see someone is a huge deal, a sacrifice. For every hour she spends with you, she gets one less hour of sleep. For people with too much time on their hands, seeing you every day and doing fun stuff can be just entertainment. 1
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Yes they are stressed and overworked. They work hard and dating one means you have to be ok having little time with them. Let them sleep. And it’s true that they don’t know how to talk about anything else besides doctoring so you will have to lead that as well as making the plans that they say yay or nay too.
Author Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 My brother and his wife are both 37 and she is a doctor. When they met something like 5 years ago she pursuit my brother big time, I remember she could call him like 10 times in one day, actually I think she called him after each patient lol. We thought it was cute. Their relationship evolved to dating steady and yes, a doctor especially a young doctor is very busy and their sleep is important. She could easily work 48 hours straight and come home and sleep 16 hours. Then she'd wake up but her body and mind were still exhausted. She works most weekend, always work Xmas night and Easter. It's rare she can be free for Holidays. Now they are married and expecting their first child :-) My brother has a government job so he has short days and lots of free time at will. He is the one taking care of everything, cooking, cleaning, errands, laundry. She just doesn't have the energy or the time to be involved in their home maintenance. She works mostly in emergencies, maybe one day when she has her own clinic she can dream of having a normal schedule. Ha yeah seems that way. Of course she's interested! Why would she hang out with you when she can be sleeping? For busy people, with illness added to it, taking the time to go see someone is a huge deal, a sacrifice. For every hour she spends with you, she gets one less hour of sleep. For people with too much time on their hands, seeing you every day and doing fun stuff can be just entertainment. This woman is SUPER analytical. I joked this morning that she didn't send me a good night text and she said "We don't usually, do we? I checked our texts from last week and didn't see one." I did see one I sent but I didn't want to argue over something trite so I changed the convo. It's just she shows it weird, but she agrees to see me. It reminds me of another girl I dated in the past except this woman I'm seeing now seems to have more intent with dating. Yes they are stressed and overworked. They work hard and dating one means you have to be ok having little time with them. Let them sleep. And it’s true that they don’t know how to talk about anything else besides doctoring so you will have to lead that as well as making the plans that they say yay or nay too. I asked her is she excited for time off...she said 70% because work has been overwhelming her. I'm trying to empathize and she told me thanks for understanding. I just like being affirmed and a bit more emotion. Maybe she is working up to it or that's how people are in her profession. Still figuring it out.
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Although they like it, doctors aren’t the heartfelt type. 3
Exformer Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Sounds like she works at a hospital and not a private practice...so buckle down. Doctors can have stressful long hours. They have to be mentally alert and on their feet for huge blocks of time, which means she's likely to crash when she's off the clock. This also means that you'll have to work around her availability and that just because she's not working, it doesn't mean she's really available to do anything other than sleep, recharge or do countless errands that have to be squeezed into her limited schedule. That she's trying with you through that schedule...that shows she's plenty interested. But her low energy could be her new norm, even though she thinks of herself as higher energy from before she was a doctor. So, prepare for that. I can't say I know anyone married or dating a doctor who isn't also one, or a nurse, or already dating them before they went to med school, or also has crazy hours combined with long distance travel for work. It would be hard to not want someone with similar schedule as your own, especially when you're just getting to know them. You just have to decide if you want to handle the crazy hours and rare opportunities available to you, or if you should move on. 4
Author Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 Although they like it, doctors aren’t the heartfelt type. In person I will compliment her and she will smirk. She will give me compliments from time to time. I sorta teetered off with certain compliments b/c I know they may come off as fake lol and maybe the fact her being a doctor it isn't reciprocated to me. How she communicates best is through touch I think. Sounds like she works at a hospital and not a private practice...so buckle down. Doctors can have stressful long hours. They have to be mentally alert and on their feet for huge blocks of time, which means she's likely to crash when she's off the clock. This also means that you'll have to work around her availability and that just because she's not working, it doesn't mean she's really available to do anything other than sleep, recharge or do countless errands that have to be squeezed into her limited schedule. That she's trying with you through that schedule...that shows she's plenty interested. But her low energy could be her new norm, even though she thinks of herself as higher energy from before she was a doctor. So, prepare for that. I can't say I know anyone married or dating a doctor who isn't also one, or a nurse, or already dating them before they went to med school, or also has crazy hours combined with long distance travel for work. It would be hard to not want someone with similar schedule as your own, especially when you're just getting to know them. You just have to decide if you want to handle the crazy hours and rare opportunities available to you, or if you should move on. She works on cancer BTW. I forgot what kind of practice it is. I don't know much about the medical field TBH. She has offered me to come over her place even though she stated she won't be too much fun. I also can oblige. In tech many of us are night owls, being on call, working on operations for systems in other countries. She explained to me that she needs to be on her A game for what she does and I am trying to understand that. Funny thing is even though she makes more than me and is older, those parts don't intimidate me as much TBH. I'm just not used to very introverted heavy analytical women. But initial chemistry was great and she at least makes efforts to communicate with me.
Author Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 dating a nurse is much easier Went on a date with a nurse I knew from the gym and she was that introvert/analytical type too. We sorta rushed into sex and she apologized for ghosting on me later.
alphamale Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Went on a date with a nurse I knew from the gym and she was that introvert/analytical type too. We sorta rushed into sex and she apologized for ghosting on me later. well, at least you're getting laid 1
Author Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 well, at least you're getting laid LOL that's another thread in itself. The thing is keeping the ones I want around.
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 You know, there are people out there who are not used to affection and emotion. They don't know how to respond to it and don't know how to give it back. Some like it a lot and will just take it and continue to be awkward about it, and some don't like it and will run. The really good ones will like it, learn from it and get good at it themselves. It's taking a risk though, being with these types. A big one.
Els Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I obviously should talk to her but what do you all think is going on and has anyone ever dated a female doctor? Why would a female doctor work any differently from a male doctor? Her low energy etc sounds normal to me. That being said, it's not for everyone - you're entirely within your rights to decide you don't want to date her. My thoughts are that if something feels off to you this early in the dating process, there's no point "muscling" through it. 1
kakoy Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 (edited) I am a female doctor who work in a hospital and long hours. She is interested. We don’t have a lot of time. so, if I am willing to spend any sort of time with you, THAT speaks volumes about her interest. Dating a doctor is going to take some adjustment. Work is stressful and it’s really busy with conferences, presentations, papers to write, and the judgement of patients/ senior doctors/ trainers. So, it’s draining. As we move through the ranks, it will get better and you will be more of a priority. Just be supportive and understanding for now. It seems she really likes you and worth giving a chance. Good Luck! ETA: depending on what service we are on, the time commitment at work differs. So, how’s much she contacts you isn’t a good judge of interest. Just FYI. Edited March 14, 2018 by kakoy 3
Author Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 You know, there are people out there who are not used to affection and emotion. They don't know how to respond to it and don't know how to give it back. Some like it a lot and will just take it and continue to be awkward about it, and some don't like it and will run. The really good ones will like it, learn from it and get good at it themselves. It's taking a risk though, being with these types. A big one. Yeah probably Why would a female doctor work any differently from a male doctor? Her low energy etc sounds normal to me. That being said, it's not for everyone - you're entirely within your rights to decide you don't want to date her. My thoughts are that if something feels off to you this early in the dating process, there's no point "muscling" through it. I doubt it's different between M and F doctors...but I date females Yeah I'll feel it out keep it casual. I am a female doctor who work in a hospital and long hours. She is interested. We don’t have a lot of time. so, if I am willing to spend any sort of time with you, THAT speaks volumes about her interest. Dating a doctor is going to take some adjustment. Work is stressful and it’s really busy with conferences, presentations, papers to write, and the judgement of patients/ senior doctors/ trainers. So, it’s draining. As we move through the ranks, it will get better and you will be more of a priority. Just be supportive and understanding for now. It seems she really likes you and worth giving a chance. Good Luck! ETA: depending on what service we are on, the time commitment at work differs. So, how’s much she contacts you isn’t a good judge of interest. Just FYI. She did thank me for understanding which is cool. I do feel bad for her because when we hit things off it seemed like we clicked a lot. Thing is now work is her boyfriend mostly and it takes time from us going further.
alphamale Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Thing is now work is her boyfriend mostly and it takes time from us going further. yea but just think - down the road she may buy you a Mercedes. you could become a "kept man" 1
kakoy Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Yeah probably I doubt it's different between M and F doctors...but I date females Yeah I'll feel it out keep it casual. She did thank me for understanding which is cool. I do feel bad for her because when we hit things off it seemed like we clicked a lot. Thing is now work is her boyfriend mostly and it takes time from us going further. We joke about this, but there is a lot of truth to it: medicine is our husband/wife, and our spouse is just the mistress. It’s a sad truth that we can only laugh about or else...we would cry! Just consider if you like her enough to tolerate and willing to to go through a relationship where you won't be her complete focus for a while. I would like to think we are worth at the end? ETA: trophy husband who can cook is highly desirable!
kendahke Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 What is it that you want from her and contrast that against what she is physically, mentally and emotionally able to give you--therein, you'll get your expectations in check, which will lead to you not getting your feelings hurt. Expectations (especially unrealistic ones) are future resentments under construction. 1
Els Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I doubt it's different between M and F doctors...but I date females Yeah I'll feel it out keep it casual. True, but surely those of us who are with male doctors can provide useful information as well. As I said, it really isn't for everyone. Work can be really rough for docs. At her age it's likely to be better than it will be for a junior doc, but still rough. If making sacrifices for her job isn't something you're okay with, it's unlikely to work. At such an early stage in dating, if you're not comfortable with things, they will likely get worse later on. 1
Author Biscous Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 (edited) True, but surely those of us who are with male doctors can provide useful information as well. As I said, it really isn't for everyone. Work can be really rough for docs. At her age it's likely to be better than it will be for a junior doc, but still rough. If making sacrifices for her job isn't something you're okay with, it's unlikely to work. At such an early stage in dating, if you're not comfortable with things, they will likely get worse later on. Thanks. Yeah it's really just knowing where I'm at with things with her. We haven't discussed exclusivity but I really have no interest in dating other people. It doesn't appear she is either. Many people with online dating multi date just in case things don't go their way. I've had sex with her a couple of times and I'm not interested in sleeping around or projecting that image but I also like an emotional connection. Gaining rapport and closeness takes time invested. I think Monday I felt she was low energy and I was wondering if I was boring her. Maybe felt too comfortable with me or something. Also the next few weeks she mentioned will be hard between some obligations plus some time off traveling with a friend which was before I was in the picture lol. So yeah Edited March 14, 2018 by Biscous
act00 Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 It sound promising, but her busy lifestyle and recent illness issues is making things hard. It sounds like there's not a really good work-life balance, which can be par for the course in her profession, and it is what it is. You might be gung-ho to go out, do something, and her idea of a great date is movie at home, some food, sex, and sleep, and there are plenty of nights she's just going to want to be alone and decompress. She's caring for people all day, highly emotional people, and just needs to be alone and silent, not cater to a boyfriend. It can be difficult to cultivate a relationship. It's really up to you to decide if this is the type of relationship you want...not always available, not always wanting to paint the town during time off, etc. This isn't a poor reflection on either of you, it's just simply not a match. You don't know if things will get better, a schedule that offers more balance or routine...stick it out or don't. Your sleep patterns can be problematic as well. I know someone who married a pilot. She was excited to get travel with him. The thing is, he always traveled. His idea of a vacation was being home...no more hotels, rentals, etc., because that's what he did for a living. A lot of head-butting on that one. She worked a regular job and was ready to go out on weekends, travel during time off, not be at home where she is every day...and he was the opposite. People who are less busy are going to have a harder time with people who are more busy, or schedules conflict too much. It can work, but maybe it won't. If you're into her, and she seems into you, I don't see anything wrong with seeing how this plays out.
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