Question for single dads dating

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

I used to post here a lot 4 years ago when I went through my long term relationship break up and you guys here helped me a lot, I am so grateful! I am again in need of some help and advice if anyone can provide some insight into my current situation?

 

So, I’ve been with my boyfriend about 2 months, very early days I know but he has a 13 year old daughter who was asking to meet me. He’s 40, I am 42. Initially I told him I was concerned that it was too soon for her to meet me, after all, we are still figuring out how we feel about each other, it’s not fair on her. However, he was very insistent and after a few weeks of this I agreed.

 

I met her this weekend, it went very well, we got on fine and after she fell asleep on the couch watching a movie, he took her off to bed and we stayed talking and having a couple of drinks (he was not drinking a lot). Then he mentioned his ex girlfriend at a what seemed a really random moment and I questioned it because this keeps happening. I did not accuse him, raise my voice, I simply asked why he had mentioned her again, that it seemed to have no context and did I need to be concerned about this, I said I don’t want a rebound situation.

 

The following night at my house he bought this up and started a huge fight about it. He said that we had argued about it and his daughter might have heard and he couldn’t have anything or anyone around her that cause her damage.

 

My question is for single dads specifically really, I have spoken to friends (all female) with children who have all told me that my boyfriend is completely overreacting, his daughter was not present, we had not argued or raised our voices and even if she had heard, this was not about her mother and would not have damaged her in any way. My boyfriend says I’m completely at fault, that I don’t understand because I’m not a single father who doesn’t have full time custody and that I should accept the blame for this and take responsibility for my actions, he’s thinking of breaking up with me over this.

 

Please can anyone enlighten me as to whether I’m in the wrong here and why?

 

Thanks

[Gaeta]

How long he's been divorced?

 

What type of things he was bringning up about his ex?

 

If I read well, he brought up her twice and then you mentionned something?

 

Yes he is over-reacting and now you know he's a drama queen and a guilt tripper. I would not continue dating a man that spoke to me in that manner after 2 months dating. On the other hand was it really necessary to mention something after only 2 times?

[willowthewisp]

Hi Geata

 

Thanks for replying.

 

He’s been divorced 5 years but the ex he was speaking about was not his ex wife but his most recent girlfriend before me. They were together a year and broke up 6 months ago.

 

He’s mentioned her more than twice, too many times to say. I was reading horoscopes on my phone and he commented that I was like her, she was always doing that and rolled his eyes. It seemed random, I mention my ex of 18 years, broke up 9 years ago, from time to time but it’s in the context of a story about my past. This just seemed unnecessary?

 

That aside, the issue for him is really more that he feels I put his daughter at risk because she might of heard it and he doesn’t want her hearing discussions that might damage her. (She wouldn’t have heard, no way she was asleep upstairs, the tv was on and I spoke in a whisper bc we were being quiet anyway bc she was sleeping).

 

He stormed out of my house during the argument about it the next night and hasn’t spoken to me in two days.

[Gaeta]

They were together a year and broke up 6 months ago.

 

He’s mentioned her more than twice, too many times to say. I was reading horoscopes on my phone and he commented that I was like her, she was always doing that and rolled his eyes. It seemed random, I mention my ex of 18 years, broke up 9 years ago, from time to time but it’s in the context of a story about my past. This just seemed unnecessary?

 

That aside, the issue for him is really more that he feels I put his daughter at risk because she might of heard it and he doesn’t want her hearing discussions that might damage her. (She wouldn’t have heard, no way she was asleep upstairs, the tv was on and I spoke in a whisper bc we were being quiet anyway bc she was sleeping).

 

He stormed out of my house during the argument about it the next night and hasn’t spoken to me in two days.

 

Sounds very much she is still in his mind most of the time. Like you said it's normal to bring up the ex here and there when it's in context but his comparing her to you is a big red flag. You should not date this man.

 

As for his reaction concerning his daughter, I don't get him. He's making no sense and only looking to guilt trip you.

 

Block him, let him be someone else's problem.

[RecentChange]

Well, I am not a single parent, nor a parent at all.

 

But I was raised by a single dad who re-married when I was 13.

 

I never met any of his girlfriends besides my now mother in law. Like most parents, he thought introducing his girlfriends to his kid, ESPECIALLY before they are established to be inappropriate.

 

I agree.

 

Now... You have only been dating this guy for two months are you are already having multiple arguments? I see that as a major red flag.

 

Just saw your follow up. He stormed out of your house? Hasn't spoken in days?

 

Cut him lose, zero communication skills here. This isn't how good relationships get started.

Edited March 13, 2018 by RecentChange

[grays]

I think he's severely overreacting. And if you stick around, you're gonna feel like you're in a mine field any time youre around her. I'd get out.

[act00]

This guy is too back and forth. I am a female in my 40s, and a mom. I think 2 months is too early to be making such introductions, but he pushed it, when breakups happen most commonly at around the 2-3 month mark, so we're dealing with the child getting attached and involving the teen too much in the new dating relationship...but then he gets uptight about her delicate psyche because she might have overheard you arguing? Really??

 

Pick one, dude.

 

Since the first three months are largely the honeymoon phase, I think it's important to wait until some of the kinks are worked out and it is determined the relationship is more serious, but exactly when, I don't know, I guess it depends, but six months seems reasonable. I met a total of four significant others, two girlfriends, two boyfriends, and the latter two became my stepmom and stepdad at around the age of 13 and 14. There were no introductions until things were serious. If he's that concerned about his daughter's delicate psyche (junior high girls, oy), he shouldn't be involving her in discussion of dating to any major degree and shouldn't be bringing home the girlfriends until the relationship is further along.

 

I agree that talking about his ex randomly, especially comparing you to her is out of line. It's fine when the exes come up in context. You can't erase your past. I'd be really upset after repeated mentions and would have reacted to it as well.

[Maggie4]

Try to imagine this was a female friend with a child, and she behaved this way, accused you of damaging her child when you were invited to her house, and so on. Would you still want to be friends with this woman? I wouldn't. If you won't tolerate this sort of weird distorted memory, assigning blame, and storming out of your house, from a woman that's you've known for only two months, then don't tolerate it from a man.

[Popsicle]

There has yet to be a single dad or even a male reply in this thread. I wonder what their thoughts are...

[Andy_K]

He's over-reacting.

 

I'm a dad, my daughter is eight. I only have her at the weekend though. She's met a few different girlfriends in that time. The reality of this is that kids don't care all that much... it's only the adults that freak out about meeting kids too early.

 

No matter how great you think you are, your coming and going from her life will not have nearly the same impact that, for example, one of their close school friends moving away will do. Even when something like that happens, they get over it soon enough. Kids are pretty resilient.

[salparadise]

I'm a single dad with a daughter. I divorced when she was 14 (now 22).

 

Two months is way too early to introduce you, in my opinion. I also find it strange that the 13 year old daughter was asking to meet you. My experience was that kids don't want to know, don't need to know. It causes them anxiety... wondering if their parents are having sex, if they're about to lose their father to this woman, are they about to get demoted to last place behind a step-mom... all on the heels of an already traumatic divorce.

 

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that it was he that wanted you to meet the daughter, and that his motivation had nothing to do with the daughter's welfare. This was probably some kind of attempt to push the relationship into the serious zone after only a couple of months. I think it's about him and his ego.

 

The following night at my house he bought this up and started a huge fight about it. He said that we had argued about it and his daughter might have heard and he couldn’t have anything or anyone around her that cause her damage.

 

And then he moves immediately to using her as a lever to control and manipulate, pitting the two of you against each other and making sure you know you aren't first priority... this isn't a healthy situation. And it sounds like he's fixated on this ex to boot.

 

If I were you, I'd be seriously reassessing at this point.

[lurker74]

Dad here - 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. I will echo what another said about kids caring a lot less than we think. I only introduced my kids to one woman and I was deeply in love with her and they were, essentially, "Yeah, dad, we already knew about her." They didn't care and actually really ended up liking her. But now I regret it some because it didn't last and yet they still don't care except to the extent it hurt me.

 

As to the reaction, his anger is misplaced. He's probably stressed about the whole thing and it bubbled out as anger, which is understandable but not acceptable. He should not be taking out his stress on you. If you speak to him, that should be made unequivocally clear.

 

As to his ex, of course he is not over her. And those that suggest that you should end it because of that (including yourself) have two choices: 1) Only date men that have had no attachments or attachments that were 2 or 3 years (or more) ago, of 2) only date sociopaths.

 

Last year, I was in love. I have come to the clear conclusion that the woman I was in love with was bad for me and ultimately I was bad for her and that there is NO CHANCE we should be together. I am over her in that I will not ever get back together with her. But I did not just turn it off. I can't and frankly I won't. It hasn't prevented me from pursuing alternative relationships since then and though some would argue I am not ready, I would argue that I am. Perhaps I am deceiving myself or perhaps I am convinced that I don't have to burn one person out of my heart to allow another person in. I believe my heart is big enough for that.

 

BUT WHAT I DO NOT DO is allow my past relationship(s) to affect my current one. Talk about her in context? Sure. But not out of the blue like you guy did or, if I do, I apologize for not thinking. I certainly would not blame a girlfriend for my idiocy.

 

At the end of the day, I think he was embarrassed about his behavior and decided to take it out on you. That likely means that he is too immature to apologize and change, which means you are likely done. But unless there is more to the story you did not share, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

[kendahke]

I think he showed you a side of himself that will cause problems in your relationship later on.

 

If he's still randomly mentioning an ex and it's out of context when he does, then that means he's not over her. You did nothing wrong by pointing this out. He sounds like he was looking for a reason and latched onto this.

 

Any damage done to his daughter is being done by him and his not living in his truth.

 

You're on alert now---you can't now not know this about him. Proceed with that information close at hand. Blocking him is a good start. He's got issues that should have been resolved before he agreed to start seeing you.

Edited March 14, 2018 by kendahke

[willowthewisp]

Thank you for all the replies and support, I will come back and explain more but need to calm down right now as I just broke up with him. It was pretty horrible and emotional! Will be back when less upset to say thanks properly to you all x