Author Cam1 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 You're bending your education to be close to him, No, this is the one thing I promised to not do. It just ends up that of the 11 programs i applied to, my point is the 4 that are interviewing me aren't exactly across the globe from him and he could make it work if he wanted. My education comes first.
Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 You're bending your education to be close to him, but I'm hearing nothing of him actually encouraging that or bending to be with you. He's dating other women. There is no guarantee that would change even if you get closer to his location. To me, this sounds like you're having to bleed information out of him and that isn't a good sign at all. If he was real into you, he'd be the one initiating talks about how to be together and he'd be the one worrying about whether you're seeing other guys and doing all the wondering. At best, this is very unbalanced and not in your favor. Sorry. This 100% and it even helps me understand my own LDR failures. OP, you deserve way more love and happiness... you know it’s over when you realize you’re not number one for them. I don’t know about you but I want to feel so very loved and not have to convince someone to love me. I would go to the end of the earth for the man I love and you look like you would to, but he isn’t as dedicated to this as you are. You know you’re in the wrong relationship when you’re full of question marks, worry and generally just unhappy and unsure. One line I try to live by is “ If you aren’t into me as much as I’m into you, I’ll DROP you like a hot potato!!!” How fast do you drop a hot potato? 1
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 And I am the adult child of a pilot. My dad would never cheat on my mom, nor would his friends cheat on their partners. so they're not all that way. maybe some. not all. Agree. The only reason I went "there" is because you are being handed a line. Your dad was a good guy. I know many pilots who are good honest loyal & trustworthy people. I also know a few who are philanderers. Those wouldn't hesitate to say anything to get what they want
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 He's also an airline pilot though. So while long distance is still long distance, he's gone traveling 3-4 days of a week anyhow, and he can travel much more easily that your average individual. A lot of airline pilots "commute" to work anyhow (I don't currently live in a city that's a hub, but i have friends who's parents were airline pilots, and still chose to live here). Example: he was here visiting me for his 5 days off a couple weeks back. He added me on his flight benefits last week so I can come visit him. I went out with an airline pilot once (after getting to know him pretty extensively on the phone), so I get what you mean about how he can "commute" to another city via plane for work. I think it's really good news that he added you to his flight benefits....he clearly likes you. I don't think his "no LDR" has anything to do with you at all, honestly. Some people just can't do it. Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you are a great catch. I would make the world's best LDR if someone had the money to fly me to see them when we wanted to see each other lol. But, I think I'm in a huge minority with my mindset of not needing to see my partner in person that often to still maintain a connection. 1
Prue Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I went out with an airline pilot once (after getting to know him pretty extensively on the phone), so I get what you mean about how he can "commute" to another city via plane for work. I think it's really good news that he added you to his flight benefits....he clearly likes you. I don't think his "no LDR" has anything to do with you at all, honestly. Some people just can't do it. Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you are a great catch. I would make the world's best LDR if someone had the money to fly me to see them when we wanted to see each other lol. But, I think I'm in a huge minority with my mindset of not needing to see my partner in person that often to still maintain a connection. I was just like that too. I was happier the less time we were together cause it’s like that honeymoon phase never ended! When I started dating locally and they were always there that spark couldn’t be maintained. Maybe that’s me not being really able to commit and settle down? 1
Versacehottie Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I find it interesting that all the posts have flowed with your desire to figure out what's going on in his head and what he means by what he did and much less so about what you should do FOR YOU. Not for the two of you as a couple--no matter how much you try to redirect to that subject. IMO, if you were told that, then live your life as if you are not together. Stop trying to figure out what he will do, where you guys are headed and why he would do or say this. You have to put yourself first--that's the kick in the pants I would give you. and BTW, tbh I think he wouldn't be putting in talking every day for 6 months if he wasn't very interested but he is probably just practical and you ARE long-distance and he doesn't want the pressure of you making life changing decisions based around him when you have never spent real relationship time together. My advice would be to pull way back and not really talk to him since you don't want to give him a de-facto relationship on only his terms. Focus on yourself and your getting into the RIGHT grad program for you (without regard to him). Then see what happens. Invest in yourself. I think you may hear from him with a turnaround of his position but he sounds like the type who would want to try out a real relationship with you without the pressure of you having made (or him) some huge sacrifice (smart of him really). BUT don't hold on or count on anything. Take him at his word: he doesn't want a LDR. In a way it's freedom to get yourself out of the limbo you have put yourself in. If you continue talking to him without focusing on your life, your interests locally and yes other guys locally, it would be a mistake--your mistake. Good luck 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I was just like that too. I was happier the less time we were together cause it’s like that honeymoon phase never ended! When I started dating locally and they were always there that spark couldn’t be maintained. Maybe that’s me not being really able to commit and settle down? Possibly. I'm learning that the term "commitment phobe" doesn't necessarily mean someone who doesn't want to commit to one person because they want to keep playing the field. It can mean they are just terrified of the intimacy that comes with commitment, and the....commitment (of time/energy/resources) that comes with commitment . I think I'm a certifiable commitment phobe based on the latter. 3
Prue Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Possibly. I'm learning that the term "commitment phobe" doesn't necessarily mean someone who doesn't want to commit to one person because they want to keep playing the field. It can mean they are just terrified of the intimacy that comes with commitment, and the....commitment (of time/energy/resources) that comes with commitment . I think I'm a certifiable commitment phobe based on the latter. I’m in total agreement. I mean of course some don’t want to commit to play the field, but this never was my issue either. I’m scared of what happens to our feelings if we get that close. I’m scared of what happens when we live together and fight over the dishes or he sees how I panic when I talk to doctors on the phone... if he sees how horrible I am at parallel parking or when I’m on my period and I’ve a pimple the size of Jupiter on my chin. Then he meets your family... how will he be ok with the odd goofy family members or their quirks? I’ve had years to get used to it all! So yes, it’s an intimacy thing. I don’t want him to see how i spend weeks wearing clothes off a pile of clean laundry instead of folding laundry.
mortensorchid Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 LDRs are bad. They just are. Unless you have complete commitment from both parties, they are bad things. This is why they don't last under any circumstance, it has nothing to do with one party saying no to it whether they are the man or the woman. If you are not seeing each other at least once a month, you will do a lot of fantasizing. And when you are together, you are in this big rush to jump in the sack - which ends up feeding the fantasy even further. You think this person is perfect, which they are not. And the place they live is perfect, which it is not. When the time comes to DECIDE in all caps is when things go bad. I think you are suffering from the LDR fantasy. Move on. It's hard but it's for the best if you do.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 (edited) I’m in total agreement. I mean of course some don’t want to commit to play the field, but this never was my issue either. I’m scared of what happens to our feelings if we get that close. I’m scared of what happens when we live together and fight over the dishes or he sees how I panic when I talk to doctors on the phone... if he sees how horrible I am at parallel parking or when I’m on my period and I’ve a pimple the size of Jupiter on my chin. Then he meets your family... how will he be ok with the odd goofy family members or their quirks? I’ve had years to get used to it all! So yes, it’s an intimacy thing. I don’t want him to see how i spend weeks wearing clothes off a pile of clean laundry instead of folding laundry. LOL! You are speaking my language, girl! And since I've been in a marriage with a VERY anal man who would make my life hell for that, I know with certainty how much I love just "being myself." ETA: But yes, it's totally an intimacy thing. I have NEVER had a partner who accepted all the kinds of things you mentioned without making me feel like crap about them (even if my "things" are different than your "things") so I just don't believe it exists, so I'd rather be alone. I became so tired of trying to be perfect in my marriage, even if it was just small things like not putting the silverware in the dishwasher the right way or having the house "toy free" enough when he came home from work (when I was a SAHM with toddlers). Edited March 14, 2018 by CautiouslyOptimistic
Highndry Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Possibly. I'm learning that the term "commitment phobe" doesn't necessarily mean someone who doesn't want to commit to one person because they want to keep playing the field. It can mean they are just terrified of the intimacy that comes with commitment, and the....commitment (of time/energy/resources) that comes with commitment . I think I'm a certifiable commitment phobe based on the latter. You hit the nail on the head. I dealt with a fear of commitment for a lot of my dating life. It had nothing to do with wanting to see other women, but just commitment in general. I outgrew it, though, insofar as it pertains to women, but not other things in my life. I am a human being who gets bored and has to do something new. The kind of person who can work at the same job for 30 years is something special, because I'd go absolutely bananas. 2
Highndry Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I’m in total agreement. I mean of course some don’t want to commit to play the field, but this never was my issue either. I’m scared of what happens to our feelings if we get that close. I’m scared of what happens when we live together and fight over the dishes or he sees how I panic when I talk to doctors on the phone... if he sees how horrible I am at parallel parking or when I’m on my period and I’ve a pimple the size of Jupiter on my chin. Then he meets your family... how will he be ok with the odd goofy family members or their quirks? I’ve had years to get used to it all! So yes, it’s an intimacy thing. I don’t want him to see how i spend weeks wearing clothes off a pile of clean laundry instead of folding laundry. That stuff is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. I won't speak for other guys, but none of that would bother me. As long as the clothes are actually clean and there's not a personal hygiene issue, no biggie. Don't sweat the small stuff.
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