Cam1 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I am here for my quarterly wake up call and a good kick in the teeth. Please lay it on me! I've been talking to this guy every day for the last 6 months. We've had sex. I like him. He likes me. He's more open with me than anyone else in his life and vice a versa. But today I had the gumption to ask where this is going, and he shared with me that "he would be all about this being exclusive if I lived closer or vice a versa, but as it is, we live across the country from each other. As of right now he's a little hesitant." I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm also mad because I created this monster myself. Basically i've given him all the good parts of a relationship--emotional support, friendship, trustworthiness, no judgement, sexual compatibility and sex, and none of the hard parts. I've basically just gifted him with all that without any pre existing agreements. Someone please remind me that "he doesn't want a LDR" really just means he doesn't want one with ME, and if I was worth it to him, he wouldn't hesitate, right?
smackie9 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Guys are pretty straight forward....he doesn't want to do a LRD...period. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't have invested 6 months of mostly talking. basically you are at a cross roads.....one of you is going to have to move. 1
Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 He’s hesitant about being in a long distance relationship. It’s incredibly difficult and takes much commitment and effort to maintain. He’s being practical. He enjoyed what you both had but is not willing to take it to the next level. 2
Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 NO! This isn’t about you, get off your high sad horse! Don’t sell yourself short. This is more about him, his weaknesses, his fears, his issues, his inner dialogue and his ABILITIES! Do you think if you were next door he’d give you up? No. He’s just lazy and a LDR is too much work for him. I’ve also been dumped because of distance by someone who said they loved me more than life, but he was a weak man who couldn’t do it. Distance isn’t for everyone and especially not a weak man who can’t withstand the test of space and time. Know what I mean!? He’d rather be reeling with pain and heartache than overcome his fears. That’s not courage, that’s being scared and sitting in the corner cause you’re too scared to go and play. He isn’t a bad guy, he’s just not the guy for you. Is there a way you can move to him? 1
GorillaTheater Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Someone please remind me that "he doesn't want a LDR" really just means he doesn't want one with ME, and if I was worth it to him, he wouldn't hesitate, right? I wouldn't do a LDR with anyone, ever, and even at gunpoint. 4
wizkhaleesi Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 He may like you but may not want a LDR in general. Or maybe he doesn't like you enough to try it. Are you guys planning on moving to the same area soon? Whatever the reason is, you know where you stand with him and you guys are not exclusive. I'd recommend putting him on the back burner and dating around locally.
Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I wouldn't do a LDR with anyone, ever, and even at gunpoint. I understand why she’s hurting though and it’s not really about the distance cause they’ve been doing this for 6 months... so unlike you he didn’t refuse it in the start and was open to it, but now he said he doesn’t want it once all the time they’ve spent in this, so it’s hard for her not to take it personal. Like ok so it must not be the distance cause he was fine with it until now.. until he knew me then changed his mind. I think that’s really the main reason she’s hurting.
basil67 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I'm with Gorilla. While I'd be open to a casual fling, I wouldn't do an LDR with anyone - no matter how great they are. 2
Author Cam1 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 I'm moving in the next 4-5 months for graduate school. He knows what programs I'm being interviewed for acceptance at (it's a system where I'll only get one offer). One city is a place he could live for work, and he has made mention if I end up there he will move. Two of the other places, he would be able to be based 2 hours from. The fourth program is a weird hybrid where i could basically live anywhere, including closer to him. He knows about all four of these.
basil67 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Like ok so it must not be the distance cause he was fine with it until now.. until he knew me then changed his mind. I think that’s really the main reason she’s hurting. Actually he hasn't changed his mind - and this is the problem. Given that he doesn't want an exclusive long distance relationship, he would have always been of the mind that this was a casual fun. He's obviously been seeing others during this time too.
lolablue17 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 It means that he does want you, that's why he let himdelf getting into this for 6 months. But he feels the lack of you because of the distance, he wants more, and he knows that it's can't be solved, so only now he got back to his logic and understands that he can't do LDR.
Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I'm moving in the next 4-5 months for graduate school. He knows what programs I'm being interviewed for acceptance at (it's a system where I'll only get one offer). One city is a place he could live for work, and he has made mention if I end up there he will move. Two of the other places, he would be able to be based 2 hours from. The fourth program is a weird hybrid where i could basically live anywhere, including closer to him. He knows about all four of these. Were you moving for him or because you want to for school? If you want to you can still move and then see what happens, but you can’t move for HIM in hopes you date again. It is strange that he knows all that and how soon it is and backs out now though. Could he be dating others? Is all of this out of the blue?
basil67 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I'm moving in the next 4-5 months for graduate school. He knows what programs I'm being interviewed for acceptance at (it's a system where I'll only get one offer). One city is a place he could live for work, and he has made mention if I end up there he will move. Two of the other places, he would be able to be based 2 hours from. The fourth program is a weird hybrid where i could basically live anywhere, including closer to him. He knows about all four of these. All of this is hypothetical and two of the options are still long distance. (Yes, to those of us who don't like LDRs, two hours is still too far). Putting himself on hold for 4-5 months just in case it works out is a big ask. Again, I wouldn't do it.
Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Actually he hasn't changed his mind - and this is the problem. Given that he doesn't want an exclusive long distance relationship, he would have always been of the mind that this was a casual fun. He's obviously been seeing others during this time too. Some men are so flaky about being exclusive though, even if they’re right next door. Maybe that’s really the issue, is that he can enjoy her as long as she’s far and once it got serious he chokes?
Author Cam1 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Were you moving for him or because you want to for school? If you want to you can still move and then see what happens, but you can’t move for HIM in hopes you date again. It is strange that he knows all that and how soon it is and backs out now though. Could he be dating others? Is all of this out of the blue? No, the type of grad program I applied to is very hard to get admitted to, there's only 38 programs for it in the country, so I applied to a bunch of programs, far away from him, close, everywhere. He wasn't a part of my decision making process (i did apply to a program in his city, and three others within a couple hours drive, but alas none of them chose to interview me, so this is where I'm at now). The hybrid program if I got in I could live closer to him for several rotations, it wouldn't necessarily be about him.
Author Cam1 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 All of this is hypothetical and two of the options are still long distance. (Yes, to those of us who don't like LDRs, two hours is still too far). Putting himself on hold for 4-5 months just in case it works out is a big ask. Again, I wouldn't do it. He's also an airline pilot though. So while long distance is still long distance, he's gone traveling 3-4 days of a week anyhow, and he can travel much more easily that your average individual. A lot of airline pilots "commute" to work anyhow (I don't currently live in a city that's a hub, but i have friends who's parents were airline pilots, and still chose to live here). Example: he was here visiting me for his 5 days off a couple weeks back. He added me on his flight benefits last week so I can come visit him.
Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 No, the type of grad program I applied to is very hard to get admitted to, there's only 38 programs for it in the country, so I applied to a bunch of programs, far away from him, close, everywhere. He wasn't a part of my decision making process (i did apply to a program in his city, and three others within a couple hours drive, but alas none of them chose to interview me, so this is where I'm at now). The hybrid program if I got in I could live closer to him for several rotations, it wouldn't necessarily be about him. My gut feeling is he’s scared of commitment, this isn’t about the distance now cause you’re moving much closer and now he’s suddenly scared? He’s panicking now because it’s becoming way too real and he thinks about whatever he’ll give up.. doesn’t it seem weird to get this scared just a few months before it? He was fine with you as long as you were far.
Author Cam1 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 My gut feeling is he’s scared of commitment, this isn’t about the distance now cause you’re moving much closer and now he’s suddenly scared? He’s panicking now because it’s becoming way too real and he thinks about whatever he’ll give up.. doesn’t it seem weird to get this scared just a few months before it? He was fine with you as long as you were far. No I'm not moving closer yet, and there's no guarantee I will be at all.
Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 No I'm not moving closer yet, and there's no guarantee I will be at all. 4-5 months is near future, even with no guarantees it’s no reason to call it off when you still have hope and an option to move! I’m telling you, this isn’t about the distance especially now with you mentioning he’s a pilot! He is everywhere all the time... something is deeper than this and I think he’s just overwhelmed and in his feelings. My advice is to let him have his way, want us to end it? Ok. Let him try it out and he’ll change his mind I think. The more you convince him the more he’ll fight. His feelings need to overcome his fears.
Maggie4 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Wait a minute, he's been talking to you every day for the past 6 months? What man does that without being in some sort of relationship. He has already BEEN in a LDR with you for the past 6 months! What's he talking about now? The way this works is after a few months of LDR of getting to know each other, which you've already done, one of you relocates to be together, then you continue the relationship.
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 if I was worth it to him, he wouldn't hesitate, right? Not necessarily. Distance is a deal breaker for some. If he's a pilot & you didn't demand exclusivity up front you need to assume that he has other such arrangements with other women in other cities where he flies. Pilots are notorious for a reason. Normally I wouldn't generalize so much but you are being handed sort of a standard line. Go to the grad school that fits you best. Work him around school, not the other way around but don't for a NY minute believe you are the only woman he's sleeping with. 1
basil67 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Wait a minute, he's been talking to you every day for the past 6 months? What man does that without being in some sort of relationship. He has already BEEN in a LDR with you for the past 6 months! What's he talking about now? It's my understanding that he was baulking at being exclusive over the distance. So while it's been a LDR, it wasn't an exclusive one.
basil67 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 He's also an airline pilot though. So while long distance is still long distance, he's gone traveling 3-4 days of a week anyhow, and he can travel much more easily that your average individual. A lot of airline pilots "commute" to work anyhow (I don't currently live in a city that's a hub, but i have friends who's parents were airline pilots, and still chose to live here). Example: he was here visiting me for his 5 days off a couple weeks back. He added me on his flight benefits last week so I can come visit him. No matter what other people do, it still doesn't negate the fact that he doesn't want to be exclusive to you.
Author Cam1 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Go to the grad school that fits you best. Work him around school, not the other way around but don't for a NY minute believe you are the only woman he's sleeping with. I do believe i'm the only woman he's sleeping with....right now That is subject to change the second "something better" comes along, locally. And I am the adult child of a pilot. My dad would never cheat on my mom, nor would his friends cheat on their partners. so they're not all that way. maybe some. not all.
preraph Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 You're bending your education to be close to him, but I'm hearing nothing of him actually encouraging that or bending to be with you. He's dating other women. There is no guarantee that would change even if you get closer to his location. To me, this sounds like you're having to bleed information out of him and that isn't a good sign at all. If he was real into you, he'd be the one initiating talks about how to be together and he'd be the one worrying about whether you're seeing other guys and doing all the wondering. At best, this is very unbalanced and not in your favor. Sorry. 2
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