kendahke Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 So there is really no situation where this ends up well? I was planning on trusting him and giving him until graduation. Not as long as he's centering his reasoning around what his ex did...
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Really? How come? People act like committing to someone is like saying "I do" and sharing all ur financial aspects and planning the next 20 years. I just see it as focusing on one person right now. Why does it take people so long Because most people see it as more than that. I do. I see a commitment as an agreement to build toward that I do. It's way more then just focusing on one person at a time. I can do that unilaterally. I need to see that the person stuck around for a while . . . several months . . . before I wanted to have a conversation about "committing" to one another which is another step beyond exclusivity. Commitment is about starting to blend your lives together. I was not about to start doing that after only a few weeks.
kendahke Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I also think it's too soon and there's too much looming in his future past graduation for you to be trying to get him to prioritize you at this point in his life. You know him better than we do. If you think he's worth sticking around for an undetermined amount of time til he gets his stuff together with regards to his life and future, then stick around---but don't complain if he's not moving according to your timetable. All actions have consequences. 2
smackie9 Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Smackie, is two months a long time? most people need 3-4..... I'm 54.....have had many relationships....2 months is long enough to have a pretty good idea what direction things are going. You know what direction you want no? 4
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 smackie While I can figure most things out now, at our age, in college I was pretty clueless about life & relationships so I'm willing to cut Ktsoph & her non-BF a little slack on the timing. However Ktsoph if your screen name is an indication of who you are -- a college sophomore dating an about to graduate senior, I don't hold out much hope. This guy went through his last 2 years of school getting over his last GF. He likes the fancy free lifestyle of college. I did. Anyway, since your relationship is only 2 months old & you will be at 4+ months by the time he graduates, label or not, I suspect that once he hits the real world, he may no longer want a coed as a GF. Also where will he be upon graduation? An LDR is a p.i.t.a. 1
Author Ktsoph Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 He has a solid job lined up post college and is living with his parents to save money to buy a home. He has asked me my 5 year plan, and ours line up exactly. I’m a second semester junior, soph stands for Sophie! He has asked me before about how far it is between our hometowns, mentioned meeting my father and making plans for the summer. It is about 3 hours between us when he leaves, which is not bad. It is hard to determine, and I am in no way making excuses, but since i have gone through it with someone who was full of it before and never stated clearly what they wanted with me or where they saw it going, I have the gut feeling to trust him when he says that he is planning on it . Our mutual friend has told me I need to be patient because he is looking for someone to settle down with and marry, and 2 months is too soon for him to determine if this is something that can last. She also stated that’s why he brought up his ex-he thought that was going to last into marriage and it didnt, so he wants to be 100% sure he could see this making it . Yes I agree he needs to get over it after Two years, but I believe it’s more of a “I haven’t been in a relationship in 2 years so I’m not sure how I want to maneuver it”. This may sound cliche but I have never felt as secure or comfortable with this guy, I don’t feel like he is “going anywhere” aka going to leave me. It is hard to see their people when he has told me he isn’t seeing others because of me, that’s just not how he is. Thank you all for your input! It really could go either way, and as a woman with relationship anxiety this of course makes me over analyze.
Author Ktsoph Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 Also don’t know if it’s worthwhile to note that after the conversation, he texted me to say he looks forward to the adventures that are ahead of us. This seems like a good sign, no?
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship/commitment/ anything serious, believe him. He never will want one with you. Not now, not ever. 4
newyorker11356 Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship/commitment/ anything serious, believe him. He never will want one with you. Not now, not ever. Not necessarily true.
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Then stick it out & see what happens after graduation. If you are having fun now, don't rock the boat. By the time you return to school for your senior year if he is still not verbally defining the relationship bail & enjoy your last year at school. Neither of you need to figure out the rest of your lives right this second. 1
Author Ktsoph Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 popsicle, he did state he wants a relationship after more time together
Author Ktsoph Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 Instead of “dating other people” what are other ways to kind of light the fire under him to realize I’m not staying around forever, but in an unthreatening way?
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Just be interesting & involved in multiple things so he knows you have options. Do not talk about it. Just do it. Live your life. 5
kendahke Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 Instead of “dating other people” what are other ways to kind of light the fire under him to realize I’m not staying around forever, but in an unthreatening way? That's game playing. Have an appreciation for the fact that your two month relationship doesn't have the legs yet to go any distance, especially if he's whining about not wanting labels and still being stunted by his ex's actions while he's getting access to your sex. 5
Author Ktsoph Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 I feel like that’s a bit harsh.... is it worthwhile to not have sex with him as often, lessen it? I’m not trying to play games, just want to make it clear To him that he could lose me. I get where you are coming from kendahke, I just think you’re assuming he’s a player when that is far from the case.
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I feel like that’s a bit harsh.... is it worthwhile to not have sex with him as often, lessen it? I’m not trying to play games, just want to make it clear To him that he could lose me. I get where you are coming from kendahke, I just think you’re assuming he’s a player when that is far from the case. Lessen the sex is game playing and the worst kind of game playing. It's manipulative and cruel. You don't shock a man into reality with *softness*. You shock a man into reality with a kick in the rear-end. Start going out with your girlfriends instead of giving him all your free nights. Go on weekends get away with your female friends, spend time with your family without him. 3
kendahke Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 I feel like that’s a bit harsh.... is it worthwhile to not have sex with him as often, lessen it? I’m not trying to play games, just want to make it clear To him that he could lose me. I get where you are coming from kendahke, I just think you’re assuming he’s a player when that is far from the case. I'm not saying he's a player at all--that has not come out of my keyboard. I'm saying he's too hung up on his ex he broke up with 2 years ago to give you a fair chance. At the two month point, he should be wanting things to go deeper with you, not stalling out and being afraid of calling you his girlfriend. Him feeding you this "I see a future with you" is him leaving you a bread crumb trail when you want the feast of the relationship deepening, as one would with someone who is 100% in. I'm curious though: why would the concept of losing you be lost on him, considering what excuses he's using to stall a naturally developing relationship? Why is recognizing you as his girlfriend such a chasm to leap? 1
heavenonearth Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 It took my boyfriend 4,5 months to ask me if he could be my boyfriend. So I would just give it some time. In the meantime, try not to stress so much. Enjoy your time together. I know the label may be important to you, but it's the best thing when things happen naturally and you do not pressure him. BTW the label was important to my boyfriend, too, which is why he took his time to ask me, because he wanted to be 100% sure that we trust each other and are ready for each other, longterm. In the end, I think that is better than rushing into something just for the label, and then being broken up with shortly thereafter because the person figured you were not right for each other after all...
HiCrunchy Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 (edited) Because most people see it as more than that. I do. I see a commitment as an agreement to build toward that I do. It's way more then just focusing on one person at a time. I can do that unilaterally. I need to see that the person stuck around for a while . . . several months . . . before I wanted to have a conversation about "committing" to one another which is another step beyond exclusivity. Commitment is about starting to blend your lives together. I was not about to start doing that after only a few weeks. What you are describing to me sounds like an engagement or marriage. Ah I see, we have different ideas of what the word commitment means. I guess the difference is I see the idea of commitment and exclusivity as the same thing. It is setting the boundary of the relationship. OP, are you asking for exclusivity? Blending of lives comes naturally as the relationship progresses in length. There doesn't really need to be a discussion about that in particular. You will slowly reach those milestones together when will cross those bridges when you come to them. Edited March 14, 2018 by HiCrunchy
Author Ktsoph Posted March 15, 2018 Author Posted March 15, 2018 What you are describing to me sounds like an engagement or marriage. Ah I see, we have different ideas of what the word commitment means. I guess the difference is I see the idea of commitment and exclusivity as the same thing. It is setting the boundary of the relationship. OP, are you asking for exclusivity? Not at all! We are exclusive and committed, for me I want the title to feel like the relationship has a future and will be okay with long distance I suppose. After reading all of these I wonder if I’m putting too much emphasis on a title before he is ready, since I believe he wants to wait because he wants to be sure it will last. It’s different for me because both serious relationships I had prior to this, they asked me way too soon and I said yes because I thought that was “the norm”
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2018 Posted March 15, 2018 It worthwhile to not have sex with him as often, lessen it? I’m not trying to play games, just want to make it clear If you ENJOY the sex, have lots of sex. Just don't think sex = love by itself. HiCrunchy --- you said you can commit easily (2 weeks). I explained why I can't. The beauty of boards like this is the people asking the Q's get different perspectives. And in case the OP doesn't realize: I'm old enough to be your mom; heck I'm probably older than your mom. On some level we're both right, especially about how & when we each define commitment because it's a highly subjective analysis. Ktsoph -- consider every perspective you receive & take what works for you. Self respect is the most important thing in any interpersonal decision.
Author Ktsoph Posted March 15, 2018 Author Posted March 15, 2018 If you ENJOY the sex, have lots of sex. Just don't think sex = love by itself. HiCrunchy --- you said you can commit easily (2 weeks). I explained why I can't. The beauty of boards like this is the people asking the Q's get different perspectives. And in case the OP doesn't realize: I'm old enough to be your mom; heck I'm probably older than your mom. On some level we're both right, especially about how & when we each define commitment because it's a highly subjective analysis. Ktsoph -- consider every perspective you receive & take what works for you. Self respect is the most important thing in any interpersonal decision. Definitely enjoy it but it’s not something we do very often like most college kids these days ol), he seems to be shy about it and asks permission for everything!!(I wasn’t ready to do that until a month in) He seems to genuinely like conversing with me more than doing that allllll the time which is nice, refreshing. Thank you very much d0nnivain, I will definitely do that!!
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