Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Is he lying to me about moving on, or lying to himself? Just so I don’t take it personally. Does it matter? Regardless of why he's doing it, he doesn't sound like a healthy option. Focus on what's relevant.
Popsicle Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 He seems very open to a relationship! He was even open to posting pics together on social media. Well tell him you want to have one with him and that he has to get rid of the ex. If he gives you a hard time about that, then tell him that it won't work out between you two and wish him well then stop talking to him. I actually feel confident that he'll take you up on it and quit the ex. 1
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Does it matter? Regardless of why he's doing it, he doesn't sound like a healthy option. Focus on what's relevant. True it’s not really that relevant but I thought if he doesn’t realize it at least he’s being honest? He said I’m the first girl he met after the ex and that he’s been trying to hookup since their breakup and he thought it was just sex between us but then we talked again and he said he wants a relationship.
dumbass2 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 You are going to keep dating him, so.......take.......it..........sloooooow! As someone suggested, the photos could have been to make the ex jealous and also why else would he mention that he had sex with you to her? I was in a 6 month relationship and though I was okay at the time she broke up with me, but I started to miss her a lot and we started seeing each other a bit 3 months after and I wanted back. It wasn't easy and it wasn't that long of a relationship, but we did a lot in that short time, so getting over a short relationship is different for many people. He is lying, from what you have said, about his feelings for her IMO. Did she break up with him? That makes a difference. 1
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Well tell him you want to have one with him and that he has to get rid of the ex. If he gives you a hard time about that, then tell him that it won't work out between you two and wish him well then stop talking to him. I actually feel confident that he'll take you up on it and quit the ex. Yes, I mean if he still wanted to be with her, why is he dating me? And telling her? That would only push her away if anything! 1
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 You are going to keep dating him, so.......take.......it..........sloooooow! As someone suggested, the photos could have been to make the ex jealous and also why else would he mention that he had sex with you to her? I was in a 6 month relationship and though I was okay at the time she broke up with me, but I started to miss her a lot and we started seeing each other a bit 3 months after and I wanted back. It wasn't easy and it wasn't that long of a relationship, but we did a lot in that short time, so getting over a short relationship is different for many people. He is lying, from what you have said, about his feelings for her IMO. Did she break up with him? That makes a difference. They both didn’t want to end it but he said they had hurdles and circumstances in the way and he got scared and then he hurt her and was very regretful and even hated himself for it and during the first few weeks he felt like he made a big mistake but then when we met he got over it and started thinking logically again.
dumbass2 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 The problem you have is that he still has her on social media and talks with her and she wants him back and he's stated that they just can't be friends so there should be zero contact and no social media. He doesn't know you yet and you don't know him. I think it is just too soon with his recent relationship for you to move too fast with this guy. He's got her still as an option. I came to find out that my ex was only one month out of her last relationship when we started dated. She had told me it was over a year. Looking back it did effect our relationship and crap that happened made more sense. At least you know upfront some things, but don't expect full honesty from someone you don't know. Actions vs words.
1fish2fish Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 They both didn’t want to end it but he said they had hurdles and circumstances in the way and he got scared and then he hurt her and was very regretful and even hated himself for it and during the first few weeks he felt like he made a big mistake but then when we met he got over it and started thinking logically again. The bolded. He can say anything, and because you don't really know him, you don't know if his actions back up his words. As far as him wanting a relationship with you and taking you to his cabin, what's the rush??
Flame Aura Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 He is not over his ex. He wants to get with you, or anyone to help him get over her. That is how us guys get over girls. By getting with a new one, and having sex with them. You are a rebound and will end up getting hurt. 3
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 He is not over his ex. He wants to get with you, or anyone to help him get over her. That is how us guys get over girls. By getting with a new one, and having sex with them. You are a rebound and will end up getting hurt. Does it work to help move on though? I mean I can help him and make it work with him?
Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Does it work to help move on though? I mean I can help him and make it work with him? You don't get involved with someone because you're trying to help them get over an ex. You don't get involved with someone that is still emotionally connected to someone else. You get involved with a man that is emotionally available and present, and open towards courtship and building a relationship. OP, where is your boundaries and standards? You're really reaching. It sounds like you really want to date him -- if so, then date him but step in with caution and with your eyes open. Sometimes we need to go through these experiences to help with providing valuable lessons and wisdom in the future. 1
stillafool Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I asked him if he’s moved on and he said he has. He said he made too many mistakes and really hurt her and he was talking to her to get closure but I guess it was getting sexual everytime they talked so he said we tried staying just friends but it didn’t work. Also he already told her about me and that he’s had sex. I guess she told him she still loves him and wants him back. So he's still in contact with his ex which means he still isn't over her. The fact that she still loves and wants him is not good either. I would definitely move on if I were you. 1
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 You don't get involved with someone because you're trying to help them get over an ex. You don't get involved with someone that is still emotionally connected to someone else. You get involved with a man that is emotionally available and present, and open towards courtship and building a relationship. OP, where is your boundaries and standards? You're really reaching. It sounds like you really want to date him -- if so, then date him but step in with caution and with your eyes open. Sometimes we need to go through these experiences to help with providing valuable lessons and wisdom in the future. Thank you for being so helpful and kind to me. I know I’m probably being an idiot and deep down I know I should walk away and I probably will, but I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt I guess... he’s been so honest about everything so far so I thought I can just trust him and go on with it. I will try to push the brakes. Thank you.
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 So he's still in contact with his ex which means he still isn't over her. The fact that she still loves and wants him is not good either. I would definitely move on if I were you. Why? I mean she still loving him changes what? He hasn’t said anything about loving her still.
Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) he’s been so honest about everything so far so I thought I can just trust him and go on with it. How do you know he's being honest? Do you know him well enough to validate such a strong justification? Trust isn't built over a couple of dates and some words. How has he earned it? Again, just because someone tells you something, it doesn't mean it's true or it's honest. There are people out there that will tell you want THEY think YOU need to hear in order to get what THEY want. Keep your eyes open and as soon as you see red flags, cut and run. There are already a few waving at you. So don't stick around hoping things will change. Edited March 13, 2018 by Zahara 1
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 If he's flying you across the country he definitely expects sex. Thinking otherwise is naive. Have you done a background check on him yet? I think you’ve got the wrong thread?
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 How do you know he's being honest? Do you know him well enough to validate such a strong justification? Trust isn't built over a couple of dates and some words. How has he earned it? Again, just because someone tells you something, it doesn't mean it's true or it's honest. There are people out there that will tell you want THEY think YOU need to hear in order to get what THEY want. Keep your eyes open and as soon as you see red flags, cut and run. There are already a few waving at you. So don't stick around hoping things will change. I think because he answered a lot of my questions about his ex and even shared those really personal details that he could have left out? Or maybe he enjoys sharing about how much a woman loves him? I’ve seen their pictures and she’s way prettier than me (I mean I think I’m pretty.) and he was smiling from ear to ear in all the pictures. In all his other pictures without her he doesn’t smile that big. Maybe he likes the attention? Hard to tell, but you’ve a point.
Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) I think because he answered a lot of my questions about his ex and even shared those really personal details that he could have left out? Or maybe he enjoys sharing about how much a woman loves him? I’ve seen their pictures and she’s way prettier than me (I mean I think I’m pretty.) and he was smiling from ear to ear in all the pictures. In all his other pictures without her he doesn’t smile that big. Maybe he likes the attention? Hard to tell, but you’ve a point. I remember the times when I started dating while nursing a broken heart. During the dates, the ex would come up. I was using the date as a crutch to get over the ex. An emotional tampon -- to listen to me and at the same time provide a distraction. I would open up about the ex willingly or if probed -- it's almost as if I wanted to tell my story to anyone who would hear it. I was open to a "relationship". It's only been 6 weeks that he's broken up. They still talk on the phone and text. He's till yapping about her and providing her information about his personal/sex life -- he has no reason to do so. He's still anchored to her. I do not think he is ready for anything deeper than a distraction, based on how fast he's moving and his connection to his ex. Edited March 13, 2018 by Zahara 2
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 I remember the times when I started dating while nursing a broken heart. During the dates, the ex would come up. I was using the date as a crutch to get over the ex. An emotional tampon -- to listen to me and at the same time provide a distraction. I would open up about the ex willingly or if probed -- it's almost as if I wanted to tell my story to anyone who would hear it. I was open to a "relationship". It's only been 6 weeks that he's broken up. They still talk on the phone and text. He's till yapping about her and providing her information about his personal/sex life -- he has no reason to do so. He's still anchored to her. I do not think he is ready for anything deeper than a distraction, based on how fast he's moving and his connection to his ex. You’re right... about it all. Maybe him reconnecting and her telling him she still loves him resparked his feelings again, especially cause he said he hated himself for what he did to her and yet it looks like she’s forgiven him, I’d be touched too I guess? Although it just means that she’s weak. I think I’ll just move on. I really like him and we’ve a good time together but maybe that space in his heart is still full and there’s no room for me yet. I really convinced myself that 8 months are nothing.
Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I really convinced myself that 8 months are nothing. Sometimes the ending of short relationships are the hardest to go through because you're likely still in the honeymoon stage, it's riddled with hope, expectation, joy. You're imagining a future. It's new and exciting. It's at its height. So when it suddenly comes crashing down, the disappointment can be much to bear. Just because a relationship is short, it doesn't mean it won't hurt just as much as the ending of a longer term relationship. There's no timeline when it comes to grieving and healing from an ending. While 6 weeks may be enough for some, for others, they may still need more time to get through their grief. 4
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Sometimes the ending of short relationships are the hardest to go through because you're likely still in the honeymoon stage, it's riddled with hope, expectation, joy. You're imagining a future. It's new and exciting. It's at its height. So when it suddenly comes crashing down, the disappointment can be much to bear. Just because a relationship is short, it doesn't mean it won't hurt just as much as the ending of a longer term relationship. There's no timeline when it comes to grieving and healing from an ending. While 6 weeks may be enough for some, for others, they may still need more time to get through their grief. Wow! I just had an aha moment! So true on so many levels.. I guess I easily moved on from longer relationships cause that chemistry and spark had died and I had enough time to grieve it while together. Him saying their breakup was because of something outside of their control makes it even more prone to that, because it was still happy. Also him admitting that sexual spark is still there means it was definitely still at the honeymoon phase. (Could it also be why it took him so long to finish during sex? Random but it made me wonder if he’s feeling guilt, or wants her not me?) Makes me sad that I met him at this phase in his life cause if he was really ready I think maybe we could have been good together, but maybe I’m just fantasizing without facts.
Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Him saying their breakup was because of something outside of their control makes it even more prone to that, because it was still happy. Also him admitting that sexual spark is still there means it was definitely still at the honeymoon phase. (Could it also be why it took him so long to finish during sex? Random but it made me wonder if he’s feeling guilt, or wants her not me?) I don't think anyone can determine if he was having some level of guilt or attraction and that is why he had difficulty reaching. But the fact that he admitted that he still has a sexual spark with her and they continue to communicate, that would be a red flag for me, at least I would not want to be in the middle of that mess. Makes me sad that I met him at this phase in his life cause if he was really ready I think maybe we could have been good together, but maybe I’m just fantasizing without facts. It's hard not to fantasize especially when you feel you have a connection with someone. You're only human. It's understandable.
Author Prue Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Thank you everyone! Some really great insights on here.
Author Prue Posted March 14, 2018 Author Posted March 14, 2018 Update; we had a talk about it today. I asked him how he really feels and he said he does have feelings for her cause it’s difficult not to have them, and there’s still attraction and he still cares so much about her but he’s inclined to stick with this (him and I.) Is that a good answer or should I still worry?
Zahara Posted March 14, 2018 Posted March 14, 2018 (edited) Update; we had a talk about it today. I asked him how he really feels and he said he does have feelings for her cause it’s difficult not to have them, and there’s still attraction and he still cares so much about her but he’s inclined to stick with this (him and I.) Is that a good answer or should I still worry? You should walk away. He should grant himself the the gift of healing rather than jump onto someone else while still being anchored by an ex. You should give yourself the gift of being with someone that is emotionally available to you and you alone. Everytime you're with or without him, you're going to be wondering if she's in his head, when they're talking, if they're sexting, etc. You were even questioning why it took him so long to climax -- if he was thinking of her or wasn't attracted to you? That is no way to start a courtship/relationship. The risk is yours to take now that he has been upfront with you. Edited March 14, 2018 by Zahara
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