Girl went cold overnight

[middleagemale]

This seems to be a common practice for women in general but am really just trying to figure out what really may have happened so I can learn from my mistakes...

 

A quick rundown:

 

Here's my basic situation:

Knew this girl as friend for couple of yrs

Dated for 1.5 months before she broke it of a month ago

She initiated the initial interest, most plans, most daily text messages

We were intimate for a month straight

 

However I f'd up a month in and threw out the L work after sleeping together. Don't even know why, I get used to saying it constantly to my kids and just came out. As soon as I said it I knew I screwed up... anyway I just played along.

That weekend she came down to my place overnight. Had lunch together early the following week and she came down for dinner one evening that week. Still got 'kiss' emoji's from her and she was always checking in via text. We made plans to be at her place for dinner the following Friday. Had nice time, slept together ect.

 

Next morning/day I could sense a vibe. We went to dinner that night (held hands in vehicle, she was open about things in her past during conversation) then met up with some friends at a local establishment. Slept together that night as well. Made her breakfast in the morning, she gave me nice kiss when she was leaving with big smile.

 

The next day she went distant... She never initiated a text. However I did through the week and she always responded in detail.

A few days later she said she was sorry for being distant (personal things going on) but still had interest in upcoming weekends plans.

Couple days after that weekend she messaged saying sorry and that she shouldn’t have jumped in so fast, not looking for relationship right now, etc, needed to work on herself and her son.

Pretty certain there isn't anybody else in the picture.

 

Ran into her at local establishment a week ago. We did speak a little with some mild flirting from me. Got a little hug and "good to see you" (she had been drinking but not drunk). I left to go to another local establishment and mentioned for her to come by. At that time she made joke about maybe needing a ride home if she went and I'm always welcome to stay at her place. Her and her friend came by and while out dancing did get a couple touches from her (came up behind me and rubbed her hands up around my shoulders). When bar closed after more than enough drinking I gave her ride home. She let me stay there but in separate room. The next morning she was nice... but clearly distant. Gave her ride back to her car.

 

Saw her at a local place last weekend and had a quick general conversation and that was it. She didn't really pay attention to me after that other than a quick "bye" when I left.

Edited March 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Gaeta]

I am sorry this has happened to you, believe me it's not only women that behave like this. It's not about gender, it's about being ready to let someone enter our heart and life. While it was fun with no direction she was on board for some fun but your early ILY made her realize it's not what she wants or needs right now.

 

How long had she been single when you started seeing each other? She sounds like the typical 'recently single' runner away.

[middleagemale]

Came out of two yr relationship 8 months prior. She didn't see anybody in between. I've been a "friend of the family" for a couple years. Guess I was suprised she didn't go distant a day or two after the ILY and still kept up her normal interactions and interest for over a week.

 

And while I don't bet on it I would like to get her interest back. I've given her space for a month until we ran into each other except for a quick "how are you" phone call a week after she let me go (I messaged her to give me call, she called shortly after)

[Gaeta]

Came out of two yr relationship 8 months prior. She didn't see anybody in between. I've been a "friend of the family" for a couple years. Guess I was suprised she didn't go distant a day or two after the ILY and still kept up her normal interactions and interest for over a week.

 

You were her first transition pseudo-boyfriend, there will be a few others before she is ready to date.

 

The couple of days are not surprising to me, she just took time to process everything and waited if it wasn't just a knee jerk reaction. After a couple of days she was certain of not wanting to pursue.

 

I think the ILY accelerated that process for her, even without the ILY she would have eventually faded away.

[middleagemale]

Thanks for the insight.

 

It was over a week (with three intimate nights)... not a couple days

 

Well I don't get it then. So basically never get involved with someone after a relationship of a certain length because it's pointless. So it's not even called dating? No wonder people get insecurities and fear of even trying. Nobody can be trusted one day to the next. I remember how hesitant I was initially just because I didn't want to ruin a friendship if something were to happen. She showed soooo much interest all the way through.... and tried my best not to fall into the needy catagory.

 

One other tid bit, when at the 2nd local place where we ran into each other her friend came up to me and told me how she said I was "such a nice guy". Not a good thing to hear.

Edited March 13, 2018 by middleagemale

[Exformer]

This seems to be a common practice for women in general but am really just trying to figure out what really may have happened so I can learn from my mistakes...

 

I don't think you made any mistakes, at least you didn't do anything that needs changing for future relationships.

Sure, the L bomb isn't something you want to drop on a woman early, but you weren't confessing your love, it was just a slip of the tongue because you say it so often elsewhere in your life.That is understandable.

She's rebounding from a previous relationship. She needs time to get back to a place where she can build a healthy relationship with someone new. What you guys had was starting to feel too much like commitment too early for her. That's not something you did wrong, as you seem like you were ready for where the relationship was heading. It also wasn't wrong of her to get out when she wasn't ready.

Just because she isn't in a place in her life to date you, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or isn't attracted to you...thus the flirting at the end.

[middleagemale]

Thanks, yeah there was a little flirting, more from me, but she still was distant when sober.

 

She had talked about plans for weeks to come and even bought concert tickets for a couple months down the road that last weekend we were together.... was so looking forward to that. Guess she freaked out.

 

But yes I was ready. And looking back I never even thought of anything "future" related. Just in the moment.

 

But needing to rebound even after 8 months? No wonder people are still single at 40.

 

I'm in a spot to where I don't have interest in this rebound or pseudo stuff. I don't want to continue to be "used". Not sure how to weed this out. And problem #2 is being in a small town, literally nobody to date.

Edited March 13, 2018 by middleagemale

[middleagemale]

PS: If there's any feedback as to how to potentially rekindle this, I'm open to it. It's not like I have anything to lose... and at least use it as practice.

[carhill]

Past performance is no guarantee of future results. That's especially true with dating partners. Heck I've seen it in marriage.

 

Get her back? Date other women. Smile. Big world, she's not that important. It's the one who's there with you at the end that matters. Based on your post I doubt that'll be her.

[smackie9]

When you threw the L word out there was because that's your feelings, that made her realize she didn't have the feelings to carry on a romantic relationship. She tried to get feelings for you, But not happening. Sorry but she gave you a shot and it's done.

 

I suspect she was simply looking at this as casual, and no intention of taking it any further.

[Gaeta]

It was over a week (with three intimate nights)... not a couple days

Same principals, she took time to analyze why her feelings were changing.

 

Well I don't get it then. So basically never get involved with someone after a relationship of a certain length because it's pointless.

You're right, never date someone that is freshly out of a relationship or someone that has not dated at all since their last break up. Each person has some personal growing to do after a break up, some do it right away, others take months. If she didn't date at all it's because she was not over some hurt from that relationship or still not done loving him.

 

No wonder people get insecurities and fear of even trying. Nobody can be trusted one day to the next.

Dating is not an easy game. Yes it means taking a risk and getting disappointed, sometimes getting disappointing many times before finding the right person.

 

I remember how hesitant I was initially just because I didn't want to ruin a friendship if something were to happen. She showed soooo much interest all the way through.... and tried my best not to fall into the needy catagory.

You might be surprised but we all have a story like yours to tell. I dated a man for 1 month, he was so into me, we spend a month 'out of this world' and one morning he told me 'his feelings were gone' and he didn't know why but they were gone.

[rex9798]

When you threw the L word out there was because that's your feelings, that made her realize she didn't have the feelings to carry on a romantic relationship. She tried to get feelings for you, But not happening. Sorry but she gave you a shot and it's done.

 

I suspect she was simply looking at this as casual, and no intention of taking it any further.

He had sex to her. That’s an act of love. Why do women get so offended over nothing?

 

This is all part of the lying that men have to put up with.

 

She says she wants a nice guy, always a lie because a nice guy is the last thing a woman desires

 

She’s not seeing anyone, usually a lie

 

She needs space, really meaning is she’s breaking up

 

She likes a man not afraid to show emotion, a lie because if a man cries ones she breaks up

 

Worst of all is how women change their mind overnight. Sometimes it’s a family with children and out of the blue she wakes up and says she’s not in love with her husband anymore.

 

Dating and relationships and dangerous for men.

[carhill]

Also, noting you had been friends for a few years, presumably with you not making a move on her for whatever reason, she could have come to see you as a 'safe harbor' and knew your buttons well and which ones to push and how you'd react. Predictability in a man is essential for the safe harbor friend. Predictable men are usually easier to get rid of too when their usefulness has concluded. That's not being mean rather how human relations work. They're transactional. We like to wrap it all up in gushing flowery stuff but at its core it's quid pro quo, especially mating.

 

You guys were friends, had some good times, split the sheets, cool, hopefully some good memories. Once you get used to being shut off, it gets easier. I kinda chuckle now when I experience the behaviors. Just did a couple nights ago. Beats watching a movie, for sure.

[PRW]

Couple days after that weekend she messaged saying sorry and that she shouldn’t have jumped in so fast, not looking for relationship right now, etc, needed to work on herself and her son.

 

She Cares For Me But Is Confused

 

7 Principles To Get An Ex Back

[Flame Aura]

When you threw the L word out there was because that's your feelings, that made her realize she didn't have the feelings to carry on a romantic relationship. She tried to get feelings for you, But not happening. Sorry but she gave you a shot and it's done.

 

I suspect she was simply looking at this as casual, and no intention of taking it any further.

This.

 

You didn't do anything 'wrong' OP.

 

She just realised she didnt have that 'wow' factor with you that would have made her crazy about you and want something long term.

 

Don't try and get her back. You want someone that is crazy about you as much as you are about them.

[smackie9]

He had sex to her. That’s an act of love. Why do women get so offended over nothing?

 

This is all part of the lying that men have to put up with.

 

She says she wants a nice guy, always a lie because a nice guy is the last thing a woman desires

 

She’s not seeing anyone, usually a lie

 

She needs space, really meaning is she’s breaking up

 

She likes a man not afraid to show emotion, a lie because if a man cries ones she breaks up

 

Worst of all is how women change their mind overnight. Sometimes it’s a family with children and out of the blue she wakes up and says she’s not in love with her husband anymore.

 

Dating and relationships and dangerous for men.

Sex is an act of love....for some, but not always. That's why we date...to see if there is chemistry and compatibility. It's not a sin to not fall in love. It is what it is. It didn't work out, so we must move on.

 

Things don't "happen" over night. They are thinking about it and when they are sure, they make that decision to end it.

[middleagemale]

This.

 

You didn't do anything 'wrong' OP.

 

She just realised she didnt have that 'wow' factor with you that would have made her crazy about you and want something long term.

 

Don't try and get her back. You want someone that is crazy about you as much as you are about them.

 

Thanks. She seemed crazy about me in the sense of consistantly initiating contact and making plans out a ways to the point of buying tickets to an event that is a couple months away yet. Always saying things of the like of "hey sweetie", "can't wait to see you", kiss emoji's ect. in text. We first got together early Dec. and went to each others family Christmas partys and her even buying several gifts for my kids. It lasted until last day of Jan. Guess that's why a slipped on saying what I did, I thought she was crazy for me.

[dude360]

Who cares? She's moved on and so should you.

 

Go out and bang some other chick. Stop wasting your time dwelling on spilled milk. It's over. Done.

[winny]

You did not do anything wrong.

She didn't want a relationship. So when she realized you are looking for one, she cut the chords.

If I really like a guy and looking for a relationship in future and he says ILY "early" to me and I am indecisive about it, I will not get distant. I will tell him that I need bit more time and continue the relationship.

 

It is immature to judge a person by one phrase.

There is no right or wrong time to express your feelings to someone. It is however more dangerous to hide them.

[newyorker11356]

She may very well like you, but just really not be ready or have the right headspace to be in a relationship right now, unfortunately.

 

If you like her, I'd suggest staying in touch, but continue dating other women. If she ends up coming around and wants to pursue things further with you, cool. If not, you date and potentially meet someone else that you feel equally as strongly about, and that they're actually ready to be in a relationship.

 

Edit-If it's because she lost feelings for you or realized you and she weren't compatible or had that connection as she thought, then I'd hope she'd tell you that, so you could move on entirely.

Edited March 14, 2018 by newyorker11356

[Sara1989]

He had sex to her. That’s an act of love. Why do women get so offended over nothing?

 

This is all part of the lying that men have to put up with.

 

She says she wants a nice guy, always a lie because a nice guy is the last thing a woman desires

 

She’s not seeing anyone, usually a lie

 

She needs space, really meaning is she’s breaking up

 

She likes a man not afraid to show emotion, a lie because if a man cries ones she breaks up

 

Worst of all is how women change their mind overnight. Sometimes it’s a family with children and out of the blue she wakes up and says she’s not in love with her husband anymore.

 

Dating and relationships and dangerous for men.

 

 

You do realise women go though this as well? men do this to women all the time too. It is not gender specific, but if it makes you feel better to group all women into the same box then go ahead.

[Chilli]

l've never been interested in women that'll do all the work to start.

They're usually bad news and dunno wtf they're on about at the time, the brain fart realization doesn't surprise at all.

Think you'll have to move on sorry to say.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Chilli

[act00]

I'm going to agree with the majority. I think that on some level, she's just not ready for the long-term commitment, and this probably would have happened in the next couple of months anyway, but the ILY accelerated it. It planted firmly what she has been feeling all along in that she's just not ready right now, and quite possibly not with you, ultimately. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you or genuinely care for you. You've known each other for awhile before you became intimate, so there's something there. You weren't going in cold. There's always the question of if this great person you know in a friendly way can convert to the spouse or long term. Sometimes the two can't go together. Maybe some time down the road, if you're both available, it could work. It's hard, I know, but I don't think you did anything wrong. It's time to move on.

[ChatroomHero]

You didn't do anything wrong.

 

 

I would only suggest in the future when you see her, don't feed into it. No dancing with her, no touching, no staying at her place. You might read it as mixed signals or some interest but it will just be frustration in the end.

 

 

If you are going to another bar and she says she might meet you there, tell her you probably won't be there very long. If she asks if you need a place to stay, tell her you will grab a hotel if you need one.

 

 

Don't be rude or mean, but feeding into it won't really help.

[canadaman817]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Emotions can change very quickly, and sometimes it's hard for either person to understand why. It's also hard to know when the progression of the relationship is happening too fast for the girl, because it's different for every girl. As you mentioned, this can be a good time for self-reflection. Though it may be difficult to arrange, are you able to meet with her in person and ask her about a possible reconciliation? Do you think she would be open to that? It would be nice for you to be able to share honestly about it.