Questions After First Date Last Night

[bene]

As a woman - if a guy doesn’t contact me for a week after first date, I consider that he’s not interested. And if he really comes back after a week, I’d suspect that another plan fell through and I’m the backup.

 

Listen, I understand that all this “Corey Wayne” type of advice I keep hearing about could help a robot who has no software for human interaction or if you would text hundred times a day and show up at their doorstep uninvited when left to your own devices. If you are not totally clueless about human behavior, just trust your gut and the situation at hand, not some generic rules.

 

It’s insane that I keep seeing threads where a guy has had a good date, the girl is responsive and interested in seeing each other and then - let the mind games begin! It’s painful to read. There is a natural momentum, keep it up by occasionally shooting a light text asking about her day, send some funny picture or whatever. There’s no need to discuss any substantial topics via text as those should be left for the dates but keeping contact just shows interest and keeps the momentum.

[Braytc]

As a woman - if a guy doesn’t contact me for a week after first date, I consider that he’s not interested. And if he really comes back after a week, I’d suspect that another plan fell through and I’m the backup.

 

Listen, I understand that all this “Corey Wayne” type of advice I keep hearing about could help a robot who has no software for human interaction or if you would text hundred times a day and show up at their doorstep uninvited when left to your own devices. If you are not totally clueless about human behavior, just trust your gut and the situation at hand, not some generic rules.

 

It’s insane that I keep seeing threads where a guy has had a good date, the girl is responsive and interested in seeing each other and then - let the mind games begin! It’s painful to read. There is a natural momentum, keep it up by occasionally shooting a light text asking about her day, send some funny picture or whatever. There’s no need to discuss any substantial topics via text as those should be left for the dates but keeping contact just shows interest and keeps the momentum.

 

That's my initial way of thinking. Not that i'm going to sit there and talk about anything huge, again, save that for the date. But I'm not like sending her a message every hour or whatever. It just worried me that tonight she just never responded back, maybe she's just busy or fell asleep or who knows i guess. I thought she'd be excited to message me, but maybe that's not how it works. Over all of these years of dating and just everything always falling through, I've just built up this thing where even when something, i feel, goes as good as it possibly can and every reaction from her seemed really into me and everything, that she's going to fall through like everyone else. I started dating at 21, i'm now 24. I've never seen everything seem so perfect after all of these years, like everything was just so smooth. But again at this age if i was going through a divorce and was unhappy with the guy like she was, i guess i would be Second-Guessing everyone i meet before i get attached and hurt again too

Edited March 13, 2018 by Braytc

[grays]

I could see totally if you're like, yeah, text her wednesday or thursday. But an entire week not say a word to her if she doesn't say anything to me? It just seems too weird, not that i have the ability to do that or not, but it just seems way long

 

It seems like everyone plays games via text. My girlfriends will see a text from a guy they dig, get all excited and then refuse to text back because they don't want him to think they're excited. Its stupid and childish. I refuse to play that game. When I get a text from my boyfriend, and this has been true since the day I met him, I respond right then unless there's a legit reason not to. I'm not going to interrupt a conversation with someone or get out of the shower to text him, but 95% of the time I'll respond right then BECAUSE I LIKE HIM. And why doesnt everyone else do this? Because they're afraid the other person will see that they like them. It's absurd. If your liking her is that scary, better to find that out and move on to the next.

 

And I don't think I've ever had a guy react badly to my texting him like I like and respect him. It seems to earn me some points.

 

And please don't do that Pick Up Artist BS. The first time that happened to me was on a second date with a guy who gave me a backhanded compliment, something along the lines of "you would be so pretty if you wore a little make up." I wish I could remember exactly what it was. But the minute he said it I thought, "darn I can't believe I liked this guy." Went home and thought that was such a weird thing for him to say so I googled it and it was word for word on a list of things PUA tells guys to say. I never went out w him again.

[todreaminblue]

Yep, I just haven't sent anymore today, i guess like tomorrow in the evening i'll send her a text if she doesn't send me one? For sure, I told her how amazing it looks. If her response was "Thanks!!" is that like, a good response from her? lol. I was hoping for a little more

 

 

yeah there is not much you can really say other than thanks or thanks appreciated ....when recieving a compliment unless you milk it....

 

 

i wouldnt sweat the small stuff ..like the stats of how many texts is right or wrong......thats a bucket load of sweat and deodorant for no good reason.....just enjoy your conversations and the time you spend together when you do ...let the rest fall into place naturally....and all will be sweet...deb

[d0nnivain]

You live in PA & went to NYC on a 1st date where you didn't drop the woman off until 11:30 p.m. Wow. That is a late night for a weeknight date. I'm surprised you had the energy for work, for measuring her response time to your texts & fretting about the date. You need to get a grip.

 

At bottom Corey Wayne, all PUA in general & even thinks like The Rules for women are about self respect. You are not supposed to follow any of those tenants to the letter. You are supposed to learn some self worth so that you don't chase people & thereby chase them away. Continued light communication seems to be the norm, but you can wait 24-48 hours to set up the next date. Remember, if your goal is to build something that lasts, you need to take your time, especially with a young woman fresh out of a divorce.

 

All in all, the date seemed very positive from where I sit.

[Grey40]

That's my initial way of thinking. Not that i'm going to sit there and talk about anything huge, again, save that for the date. But I'm not like sending her a message every hour or whatever. It just worried me that tonight she just never responded back, maybe she's just busy or fell asleep or who knows i guess. I thought she'd be excited to message me, but maybe that's not how it works. Over all of these years of dating and just everything always falling through, I've just built up this thing where even when something, i feel, goes as good as it possibly can and every reaction from her seemed really into me and everything, that she's going to fall through like everyone else. I started dating at 21, i'm now 24. I've never seen everything seem so perfect after all of these years, like everything was just so smooth. But again at this age if i was going through a divorce and was unhappy with the guy like she was, i guess i would be Second-Guessing everyone i meet before i get attached and hurt again too

 

Sometimes people forget to text back, it happens. If she doesn't text back at some point the following day, then there's more to be concerned about. I wouldn't worry about it yet. Texting is definitely a balance. If she's taking hours to respond to you, then she's probably not very big on texting, and she'd probably get annoyed if you texted her too much. If she's someone who is responding to you a lot and also sometimes iniating conversation, then you respond accordingly. It's a two way street. If you feel that you're doing more of the initiating, then back off and let her come to you.

 

What was the text you sent her that she didn't respond to? Why haven't you set up another date yet? Everytime you text there should be a purpose to it at the beginning stages. Right now, the purpose is to go out again. Otherwise, you're just investing time talking to someone who may not even be that into you. Set a second date already--definite place/time. She will either agree or tell you she can't and offer another time. It's pretty simple.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sometimes people forget to text back, it happens. If she doesn't text back at some point the following day, then there's more to be concerned about. I wouldn't worry about it yet. Texting is definitely a balance. If she's taking hours to respond to you, then she's probably not very big on texting, and she'd probably get annoyed if you texted her too much. If she's someone who is responding to you a lot and also sometimes iniating conversation, then you respond accordingly. It's a two way street. If you feel that you're doing more of the initiating, then back off and let her come to you.

 

What was the text you sent her that she didn't respond to? Why haven't you set up another date yet? Everytime you text there should be a purpose to it at the beginning stages. Right now, the purpose is to go out again. Otherwise, you're just investing time talking to someone who may not even be that into you. Set a second date already--definite place/time. She will either agree or tell you she can't and offer another time. It's pretty simple.

 

I think it was the text where he said, "heading home from work now" or something like that. It did not require a response. What was she supposed to say...."ok, drive safely!"??

 

OP, don't worry so much about her not responding to that text. You did not ask her a question and you had already complimented her haircut, she responded with thanks, then you texted again.

 

Guys here seem to always freak out if they are the last ones to text in a texting conversation. But, someone has to "end it."

[act00]

I appreciate that she pushed the meet right away scenario, as I'm really tired of texting ad nauseam with no date forthcoming, but the situation with her seems a little off, mostly because she's barely divorced, and neither of you seemed to have much care about work in the morning and what's feasible...you in particular who had to travel an hour or so. Maybe she didn't have early work, so no biggie for her?

 

On the texting, due to the distance and inability to meet (at a reasonable hour) during the week, I think some communication and texting in between is more important. Not everyone can text all day long....or even wants to...so I wouldn't get too uptight about her texting style other than consider this the frequency and tone she wishes to set. Keep the momentum going by reaching out once a day, and schedule another date. If she's unresponsive, never initiates contact, and can't agree to another date, then move on.

 

She's barely divorced at the age of 24 and a three-year marriage, so if we assume a minimum of one year of dating, she's been with this guy since she was 20, and she's barely had a chance to really just be on her own, sow her wild oats, and figure herself out. Is he a high school sweetheart, or were they impulsive and wed within three months of dating? I think she's a little bit of a risk as far as being ready for a relationship, if this is the direction you're moving, and being not quite divorced, you could easily be a filler or a rebound, so just take it a day at a time, OP. Given the distance and circumstances, I don't know if she's someone you should get wrapped up in.

[Braytc]

You live in PA & went to NYC on a 1st date where you didn't drop the woman off until 11:30 p.m. Wow. That is a late night for a weeknight date. I'm surprised you had the energy for work, for measuring her response time to your texts & fretting about the date. You need to get a grip.

 

At bottom Corey Wayne, all PUA in general & even thinks like The Rules for women are about self respect. You are not supposed to follow any of those tenants to the letter. You are supposed to learn some self worth so that you don't chase people & thereby chase them away. Continued light communication seems to be the norm, but you can wait 24-48 hours to set up the next date. Remember, if your goal is to build something that lasts, you need to take your time, especially with a young woman fresh out of a divorce.

 

All in all, the date seemed very positive from where I sit.

 

Hahah, i make the time for whatever is important to me . It was definitely a long date and drive! Didnt get home till 1am. Again its not like im just in a fairy tale land, ive been dating for years now while in college and this girl is like what ive been waiting for after 3 or 4 years of not finding anyone.

 

I appreciate it, I'm debating but I think I'll wait till tomorrow evening or so to ask her again

[d0nnivain]

I'm debating but I think I'll wait till tomorrow evening or so to ask her again

 

 

That's fine to delay the ask but do say something to her today . . . like "enjoying the snow?"

[Braytc]

Sometimes people forget to text back, it happens. If she doesn't text back at some point the following day, then there's more to be concerned about. I wouldn't worry about it yet. Texting is definitely a balance. If she's taking hours to respond to you, then she's probably not very big on texting, and she'd probably get annoyed if you texted her too much. If she's someone who is responding to you a lot and also sometimes iniating conversation, then you respond accordingly. It's a two way street. If you feel that you're doing more of the initiating, then back off and let her come to you.

 

What was the text you sent her that she didn't respond to? Why haven't you set up another date yet? Everytime you text there should be a purpose to it at the beginning stages. Right now, the purpose is to go out again. Otherwise, you're just investing time talking to someone who may not even be that into you. Set a second date already--definite place/time. She will either agree or tell you she can't and offer another time. It's pretty simple.

 

I get the two way street thing totally. I'm going to be working all day today and wont text her until tomorrow if she doesnt say anything to me all day today. Like i said previously, i offered the date for this weekend yesterday when i texted her. Her response was "yeah sure! Im not sure when im free but definitely soon" so i guess i can re-ask her tomorrow? Since It'll be closer to the weekend and we both should have a good idea of our plans

[Braytc]

I appreciate that she pushed the meet right away scenario, as I'm really tired of texting ad nauseam with no date forthcoming, but the situation with her seems a little off, mostly because she's barely divorced, and neither of you seemed to have much care about work in the morning and what's feasible...you in particular who had to travel an hour or so. Maybe she didn't have early work, so no biggie for her?

 

On the texting, due to the distance and inability to meet (at a reasonable hour) during the week, I think some communication and texting in between is more important. Not everyone can text all day long....or even wants to...so I wouldn't get too uptight about her texting style other than consider this the frequency and tone she wishes to set. Keep the momentum going by reaching out once a day, and schedule another date. If she's unresponsive, never initiates contact, and can't agree to another date, then move on.

 

She's barely divorced at the age of 24 and a three-year marriage, so if we assume a minimum of one year of dating, she's been with this guy since she was 20, and she's barely had a chance to really just be on her own, sow her wild oats, and figure herself out. Is he a high school sweetheart, or were they impulsive and wed within three months of dating? I think she's a little bit of a risk as far as being ready for a relationship, if this is the direction you're moving, and being not quite divorced, you could easily be a filler or a rebound, so just take it a day at a time, OP. Given the distance and circumstances, I don't know if she's someone you should get wrapped up in.

 

I agree with you. I was totally shocked when she wanted to go out right then and there with no waiting. I respect that. It was such an amazing time we didnt care too much of how late we got home. Shes an early sleeper, im not, but we both had to get up by like 9am. We both didnt mind staying up past when we usually sleep ! I didnt want to set the tone of our date weird by keep asking about her ex, she told me enough and i didnt get too deep on details about them. As i said, im completely aware she may just need someone emotionally, except how that date went and how she kept saying about "things we can play for the future" i think shes pretty for real.

 

I guess I'll send her a message tonight after work

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with you. I was totally shocked when she wanted to go out right then and there with no waiting. I respect that. It was such an amazing time we didnt care too much of how late we got home. Shes an early sleeper, im not, but we both had to get up by like 9am. We both didnt mind staying up past when we usually sleep ! I didnt want to set the tone of our date weird by keep asking about her ex, she told me enough and i didnt get too deep on details about them. As i said, im completely aware she may just need someone emotionally, except how that date went and how she kept saying about "things we can play for the future" i think shes pretty for real.

 

I guess I'll send her a message tonight after work

 

Yes! You don't have to actually mention your next date, but just say hi and ask how her day was.

[Braytc]

Yes! You don't have to actually mention your next date, but just say hi and ask how her day was.

 

I'll send her something now, since she hasn't said anything to me yet today. Again idk if that's normal for the date to barely talk or what after haha.

 

Only thing that kind of makes me weird right now is that on her instagram she literally still has in her profile "married" ... then again she barely uses it and the last picture she posted was about a month ago. I'm hoping she just forgot about changing that? lol

[act00]

Neither of you had to get UP until 9 a.m.?? That changes the whole story on a late night. If you got to sleep by 2 a.m., you still got a good 7 hours. Maybe a little tired, but no biggie. I guess it depends on how bad or busy Mondays are.

 

As for still maintaining a married status, she might be waiting until things are official on paper before she changes her status. People close to her already know, but no need to invite questions, sympathy, or even ugly words until they've both signed on the dotted line and the courts make it official and finances are resolved. Stating she's single could invite scrutiny, and she could get backlash if anyone (an enemy) finds out or assumes she's dating. This of course suggests just how raw and fresh everything is, so tread lightly with this one. I wouldn't date anyone fresh out of a divorce unless I had absolutely no plans of anything serious.

[Braytc]

Neither of you had to get UP until 9 a.m.?? That changes the whole story on a late night. If you got to sleep by 2 a.m., you still got a good 7 hours. Maybe a little tired, but no biggie. I guess it depends on how bad or busy Mondays are.

 

As for still maintaining a married status, she might be waiting until things are official on paper before she changes her status. People close to her already know, but no need to invite questions, sympathy, or even ugly words until they've both signed on the dotted line and the courts make it official and finances are resolved. Stating she's single could invite scrutiny, and she could get backlash if anyone (an enemy) finds out or assumes she's dating. This of course suggests just how raw and fresh everything is, so tread lightly with this one. I wouldn't date anyone fresh out of a divorce unless I had absolutely no plans of anything serious.

 

Completely fair on your part for what you're saying . I guess you're right, i don't see why they would make it public so quickly before everything is finalized. What's bothering me though is she's not responding to the text i sent her tonight

[d0nnivain]

Maybe she turned in early because of the late night the other night. Although not ideal, be patient. She's probably just trying to keep things on a slow pace.

[ChatroomHero]

Like i said previously, i offered the date for this weekend yesterday when i texted her. Her response was "yeah sure! Im not sure when im free but definitely soon"

 

 

I have always taken this type of response as problematic.

 

 

"I'm not sure when I am free" means she has no plans but is not making plans with you. I generally take it as I am like option 3a or something. If she gets bored again and wants a free dinner and someone to entertain her, you'll get a call Sunday at 4pm, "hey, wanna make a long drive and give me something to do?". If a good show is on tv or some guy she is really into wants to do something you won't hear from her.

 

 

If I tell someone I am not sure of my schedule, it isn't the kiss of death exactly, it means I am not overly excited about making plans but if Friday or Saturday comes and I am bored, I'll keep the tentative option open to reach out to someone that is probably hoping I call.

 

 

 

Whenever someone was into me and it was clear, when I asked to make plans they would tell me when they are free, never "we'll see". If they had plans they told me what days and offered to work around them to see me. If they didn't, they offered days to make set plans before anything else came up.

 

 

I'd tread carefully and not get too invested. It sounded to me like it was a spur of the moment "I need to get out of this funk" meeting. She probably enjoyed it, probably liked you enough hanging out, but doesn't seem overly interested. Kisses on the cheek in my opinion are worse than no kiss or just a hug. No kiss doesn't really mean anything on a first date, a kiss on the cheek is like a, "Thanks Pal! Drive safe Buddy!".

[PRW]

As a woman - if a guy doesn’t contact me for a week after first date, I consider that he’s not interested. And if he really comes back after a week, I’d suspect that another plan fell through and I’m the backup.

 

Then you have insecurities. You are acting on what you suspect (his date fell though) rather than on what you know. If you were casually dating a couple different people at the same time, like you should be, you wouldn't even be concerned that you haven't heard from him. By the same token he should also be seeing other people casually, and if he is a good one, a smart one, a secure one, he probably is. It was only a first date, he isn't your boyfriend, and you aren't his girlfriend. No one is boyfriend/girlfriend until the dating becomes exclusive and the other causal dating participants are dropped off,...and it takes time to get to that point.

 

Also, your fingers aren't broke. You could have contacted him and he could have taken that as his que to make the next date. Then it is the other women that aren't hearing from him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Then you have insecurities. You are acting on what you suspect (his date fell though) rather than on what you know. If you were casually dating a couple different people at the same time, like you should be, you wouldn't even be concerned that you haven't heard from him. By the same token he should also be seeing other people casually, and if he is a good one, a smart one, a secure one, he probably is. It was only a first date, he isn't your boyfriend, and you aren't his girlfriend. No one is boyfriend/girlfriend until the dating becomes exclusive and the other causal dating participants are dropped off,...and it takes time to get to that point.

 

Also, your fingers aren't broke. You could have contacted him and he could have taken that as his que to make the next date. Then it is the other women that aren't hearing from him.

 

Why do you think all men and all women should be multi-dating? Many people do not have time for that.

[Braytc]

I have always taken this type of response as problematic.

 

 

"I'm not sure when I am free" means she has no plans but is not making plans with you. I generally take it as I am like option 3a or something. If she gets bored again and wants a free dinner and someone to entertain her, you'll get a call Sunday at 4pm, "hey, wanna make a long drive and give me something to do?". If a good show is on tv or some guy she is really into wants to do something you won't hear from her.

 

 

If I tell someone I am not sure of my schedule, it isn't the kiss of death exactly, it means I am not overly excited about making plans but if Friday or Saturday comes and I am bored, I'll keep the tentative option open to reach out to someone that is probably hoping I call.

 

 

 

Whenever someone was into me and it was clear, when I asked to make plans they would tell me when they are free, never "we'll see". If they had plans they told me what days and offered to work around them to see me. If they didn't, they offered days to make set plans before anything else came up.

 

 

I'd tread carefully and not get too invested. It sounded to me like it was a spur of the moment "I need to get out of this funk" meeting. She probably enjoyed it, probably liked you enough hanging out, but doesn't seem overly interested. Kisses on the cheek in my opinion are worse than no kiss or just a hug. No kiss doesn't really mean anything on a first date, a kiss on the cheek is like a, "Thanks Pal! Drive safe Buddy!".

 

Should i still try to set a specific date to see her this weekend on Saturday? I dont get why the entire date she would say "we have to add that to our list of to do" , " we can definitely try that next time" over and over again. How can you expect someone to know their schedule and give me options on a Monday? Hell, i dont even know if id be able to say what day works for me because idk if i have something important yet for work or school ill have to do lol.

 

Again, ive been dating way too much. Ive never seen a date go so well ever, it was such an amazing one that had zero thoughts or concerns of "oh maybe she doesnt like me" at all

[Braytc]

Maybe she turned in early because of the late night the other night. Although not ideal, be patient. She's probably just trying to keep things on a slow pace.

 

Should i still push for a date this weekend? Like today or tomorrow ask her for saturday? Still no response from her

[d0nnivain]

It's entirely up to you. Keep the ask light but specific:

 

 

Hey are you up for [doing X] on Saturday? I could meet you / pick you up at [set time].

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

[PRW]

Why do you think all men and all women should be multi-dating? Many people do not have time for that.

 

Yes they do. They don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend at that time. If they did, then they wouldn't be causal dating. Granted I'm talking two or three people. Probably not more than 3 because it can get complicated.

 

Dating is difficult. For most people it is difficult,...that's why this Web Forum site exists. Lot's of people write in here with their problems. Why is there so many problems? Because people are complicated and dating is difficult.

 

How do you get better at doing something that is difficult? You do it. A lot!. Over and over. You go into it knowing that most of the causal dates you go on are going to be only once or maybe 2 or 3 dates with each person. But you learn a lot. You learn how to spot the good ones, you learn how to spot the mediocre ones, and more importantly you learn how to spot the bad ones. You learn how to be relaxed on a date and just simply enjoy it without expectations and always falling into the trap of thinking this one might be "The One". You learn how to avoid the drama and enjoy your life because you've gained the experience and skill to do that from practicing.

 

When the good ones come along you can clearly see them standing out from the rest of the crowd because now you know what to really look for. Now you can start to narrow your scope down to them and be able to avoid the problems you learned about when you dealt with the less desirable ones.

 

Causally dating can keep you from wasting your life away as well. Think about this,...you meet a guy. He isn't so great but you don't notice that because you haven't learned that yet,...plus you can "fix him". You fight your way through a 3 year "relationship". You fail to "fix him" and go through a bad breakup. Spend 6 months getting over it and another 6 months trying to make it back into the dating scene. You meet another guy and the whole thing repeats itself. Then the whole thing happens again. Suddenly you realize that you just wasted 12 years of your life on 3 people, you're nearing middle age,...and back at square one and the only dating experience and knowledge you have is "3 people's worth".

 

With casual dating you could have met 6 people in two months and dropped 5 bad ones without a lot of drama. By the 3rd month met two more and be thinking about maybe getting exclusive with #6. You have a better chance with #6 because you gained the experience from dealing with the others that didn't measure up and you now have much better skills at doing this. ...you haven't hit your next birthday yet and summer still has a little time left.

Edited March 14, 2018 by PRW

[Braytc]

It's entirely up to you. Keep the ask light but specific:

 

 

Hey are you up for [doing X] on Saturday? I could meet you / pick you up at [set time].

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

 

 

Thank you. Just the fact that she didnt respond, maybe shes just waiting for me to ask for a specific date or something, who knows. This situation makes zero sense at all