DC77 Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 I tried to write Very Confused in the title but apparently that's a violation of guidelines?? Cripes LS! Anyways, I may have to breakup with someone I care about deeply. We love each other, but the relationship has fallen apart in the past 2 weeks. I posted recently about should I or should I not contact his ex... Well I didn't contact her... but to catch some of you up, my boyfriend has an ex that will not stop contacting him. He has passive aggressively deleted her (and others) from social media and his phone, but this one girl is persistent. I asked her once to stop months ago, but she still contacts him. And contacted him recently. He says he didn't even know it was her, which is plausible. I know her phone number, he may not. And he didn't respond. Which is great. But I find the fact that she continues to contact incredibly disrespectful! It's under my skin. And the fact he lets it continue bothers me even more. It's an issue that's not going to go away like nothing happened.... Additionaly we dated 2 years ago. It fell apart when he was dating multiple women. So I'm sensitive to the topic already. We're on our second chance and have been two peas in a pod for 9 months. Have met the family and so on. He's 30. I'm 40. And frankly, feeling too old for this sch*t.** I do love him very much though. Just 2 weeks ago we were happy and talking future, and moving in together when he gets out of the military. I was talking about moving to his hometown to pursue a new career (I'm moving somewhere to go back to school one way or another in 2 months).... It has all collapsed because of one woman's text and his inability to be a man and put a stop to it. So now I'm terribly confused. We had it out a few days ago but nothing was resolved. We just distanced ourselves from each other. He doesn't want to be apart, but isn't making any moves to make things better. He's contacting now, but I don't want to fall into the it never happened pattern... Now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should give him a chance to make it right (which will likely involve an ultimatum of stand up to her or let me go). I don't know if I should be stubborn and stand up for myself and walk away from love (something I have done and regretted in the past). Or I don't know if I should just let it go and be happy for the next few months we're together then go on my way; let things fade out more naturally as he'd be on deployment and I'd be in another state.... And I don't know if I'm being unreasonable about the whole situation to begin with! I'm just very confused.
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 This has been going on for months, you said. If he wanted her to stop contacting him, he'd make that clear. Despite your repeated requests he still had not severed ties. You have to assume he won't 2
Zahara Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 But I find the fact that she continues to contact incredibly disrespectful! This isn't about her disrespecting you and your relationship. It is your boyfriend that is disrespecting you and your relationship. She contacts because he accepts and enables it. He wants to communicate with her. It looks like he's ignored your pleas so you only have two choices, to accept his behavior or to leave. 3
PRW Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Well I agree with the others that he needs to make her stop, but to be honest,...what the heck is he supposed to do to actually make it happen? There is no way to make someone stop "trying". A crazy obsessed person is never going to stop just because you tell them to. An obsessed person cannot be "reasoned" with. He could change his phone number but that can cause other problems in day-to-day life because it would make it harder for everyone else to get a hold of him. Social media probably has way to block her,...but that is about it. It seems as long as he "ghosts" her and doesn't respond to her that is about all anyone can do unless she does something to justify a restraining order. From your description it seems like he is already not responding to her, and it doesn't sound like she has done anything to justify a restraining order. Are you certain that you aren't having other separate misgivings about him and this situation is just giving you something to focus it on?
lurker74 Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 I agree with PRW somewhat. I guess I'd need to hear more of the details about how he isn't trying to stop her but if you love each other, the typical thought process is you and him against the world. He deleted her and he doesn't respond. Yes, he should block her. And at some point, take extra steps but sometimes those extra steps are exactly what the obsessive person wants. Go to a counselor so that you two have a neutral person to give BOTH of you feedback because if you truly love him, don't let her win by breaking you up.
PRW Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Remember that in order for him to stand up to her as you said will require that he contact her. Keep in mind that an obsessed person will see any response as validation and it will energize them. He could stick his finger in her face and scream "Drop dead and burn in hell!!" and to her it would be validation because he took the time out of his day to respond to her,...and it would energize her to keep going. He just needs to "ghost" her and block her number if he can. Be happy with that and except it. Now you said: "It has all collapsed because of one woman's text and his inability to be a man and put a stop to it." So I'd have to again ask if there is anything in his behavor beyond this situation where you don't feel he is "being a man",...and this situation is just giving that something tangible to focus on?
Author DC77 Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 (edited) PRW you are probably right. I have probably focused on this because of many many things. One of them is unfinished business with her. He has never outright told her to stop contacting. I haven't squared whether that's because he's non confrontational or because of my insecurities that he's still contacting her. Part of his second chance was that this friends with ex lovers thing had to stop. He could have friends, but certain women were off the table. Period. I'm probably also still hurt over a woman that verbally attacked me. He is free with his phone so when some random woman started berating me by text because she saw us in a bar, I expected him to stand up for me. Instead, he passively handed me the phone then deleted her... perhaps deep down I feel this other woman is his chance to make it right... Obviously, we are not healthy. I've admitted to him that I don't feel secure in the relationship. I'm just not hearing what I need to hear or seeing any action. I don't know if it's because I'm dealing with a 30 year old or a passive personality that he withdraws instead of speaks up. I'm not use to that. I've always been very outspoken and direct. There's also the added stress of me moving in 2 months. And him leaving for deployment. I've applied to colleges out there, (his home state) picked out apartments, been in contact with his mom, and have a plane ticket to stay with his family while I scout these schools. And yes! I'm scared, and panicking. I'm scared of inserting myself into the middle of his past though he's assured me none of them are an issue. And this woman is his recent past. It is all culminating. I know we aren't healthy, but we have something. Something I haven't had with someone in 9 years. I have dated and had relationships since THE ex, but there has always been something missing. I have that missing piece with him. We have something. We are just broken. And my head is spinning. Edited March 12, 2018 by DC77
Author DC77 Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 Just being able to write that and admit that I'm scared some how has made me feel a little lighter...
kendahke Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 (edited) I seriously doubt the chick is crazy or obsessed. There is nothing in this post or any of the other posts OP has made that indicates this. She's got permission from him to stay in contact. If he didn't want to be in contact with her, every phone and all social media have block features. He doesn't use them. Like I said last time: she's not your problem. Your boyfriend is the problem. He may just be a bit too emotionally immature to grasp the concept that his selfishness with regards to this chick is detrimental to your relationship. Trying to force fit him into a slot he doesn't want to fit into is a waste of energy and your youth. I'd put the brakes on doing any moving until he gets a grip on his immaturity. His family, at the end of the day, is loyal to him. Whatever his faults may be, he's their baby, not you. They'll circle the wagons around him, leaving you on the outside. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that you carry the same weight with them as he does. You'll end up getting your feelings hurt. Edited March 12, 2018 by kendahke
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 . He has never outright told her to stop contacting. I haven't squared whether that's because he's non confrontational or because of my insecurities that he's still contacting her. Part of his second chance was that this friends with ex lovers thing had to stop. He could have friends, but certain women were off the table. Period. Obviously, we are not healthy. I've admitted to him that I don't feel secure in the relationship. I'm just not hearing what I need to hear or seeing any action. I don't know if it's because I'm dealing with a 30 year old or a passive personality that he withdraws instead of speaks up. I'm not use to that. I've always been very outspoken and direct. There's also the added stress of me moving in 2 months. And him leaving for deployment. I've applied to colleges out there, (his home state) picked out apartments, been in contact with his mom, and have a plane ticket to stay with his family while I scout these schools. And yes! I'm scared, and panicking. I'm scared of inserting myself into the middle of his past though he's assured me none of them are an issue. And this woman is his recent past. It is all culminating. I know we aren't healthy, but we have something. Something I haven't had with someone in 9 years. I have dated and had relationships since THE ex, but there has always been something missing. I have that missing piece with him. We have something. We are just broken. And my head is spinning. Whatever you "have" is in your head. He's still attached to her & once he's deployed & you're apart this will get worse. You two don't have he foundation to hold this together long distance. You set up parameters which he has repeatedly ignored & continues to ignore. He hasn't so much as said the words "stop calling me" because he wants to remain in contact with her no matter what you want. Her hold is stronger than yours & geography is about to make your position even more precarious. Let this die. Go to college. Forget about him. 3
PRW Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 He has never outright told her to stop contacting. I haven't squared whether that's because he's non confrontational or ... He hasn't???,...then that changes things. Non-confrontational? He is in the military. It is his training to be confrontational,...and shoot them. 2
Author DC77 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Okay. I hear ya guys. I'm taking it in... Worth the consideration... he did delete her from social media. And blocked her. We sat and did it together. And he did delete her contact in his phone. And she was blocked. But something with iPhone messenger allowed her text to come through. The text came through as a phone number. He says he didn't recognize the number. And he ignored it. I wanted to contact her, hence the first post, because I was furious. I've already asked her to stop... She obviously needs to hear it from him. He's tired of dealing with it... As for his parents, I will be clear for the record, I am in no way putting myself above him or think I'm above him with his family. His family has been very supportive of us and has offered to help with my move to help us out and keep us together. I'm not deluded of my place.... The move is going to happen one way or another. Where I live is too expensive and my job is dead end. If we stay together, his home state would be convenient, but it is not my only choice.
kendahke Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Okay. I hear ya guys. I'm taking it in... Worth the consideration... he did delete her from social media. And blocked her. We sat and did it together. And he did delete her contact in his phone. And she was blocked. But something with iPhone messenger allowed her text to come through. and I'll bet he's got a second social media account you know nothing about. The text came through as a phone number. He says he didn't recognize the number. And he ignored it. I wanted to contact her, hence the first post, because I was furious. I've already asked her to stop... She obviously needs to hear it from him. He's tired of dealing with it... No, he's not. If he were, this would have been handled a long time ago. He may be tired of dealing with your end of this, but he's not tired of dealing with her, else this thread wouldn't even be here. The move is going to happen one way or another. Where I live is too expensive and my job is dead end. If we stay together, his home state would be convenient, but it is not my only choice. Keep your expectations in check--and in line with what is falling out now between you two... If his area is not your only choice, then start investing in the other choices because one day, his parents aren't going to be supportive of your relationship if you unzip the lizard one too many times on him, as you have already. Expectations are future resentments under construction.
Versacehottie Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 you need to put the blame and responsibility for dealing with this interloper on your guy. Wanting to deal with or blow up on her is just a deflection and kinda sticking your head in the sand of what is really going on and the dynamic between you and your guy. You are doing an incredible amount of work and planning for a solid future with some guy on which the ground is shaky, at best. If he is allowing contact from her (which it seems like he is), she is not going to listen to you. Realistically i think you want to release your anger about this whole situation but you are wanting to send it in the wrong direction (at her instead of him) to avoid facing the really big problems in your relationship. Before you make a huge mistake that will impact the trajectory of your life, you need to figure this out with him. Plus unless i've understood it wrong, she doesn't contact you directly (which of course you could tell her to stop doing that). Am i correct that she is texting him on his phone and then you take it over and the two of you women are then conversing? This is just silly. I wouldn't let some guy disrespect me like this. Plus you look controlling to take over his phone--and trust me, he's worried about what that will look like for the rest of his life with you making a ton of plans for the future. I think he hasn't spoken up about your future and is just going along with it because a) he's non-confrontational with women; we know that b) because he is leaving anyway and probably thinks a lot can change by time he is back c)there is a reason why the stereotype of military guys getting into serious things before they leave. They are scared & thinking momentous thoughts. But in your guy's case, coupled with the rest of the info you've given there is just as much reason to believe he will change his mind when he comes back from his deployment. As donavin said, you should go to college, prepare your own future. See if he can carry half the load OR more about being in a relationship with you. If he can't, he's not the one. Good luck
Zahara Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) He has passive aggressively deleted her (and others) from social media and his phone, but this one girl is persistent. And blocked her. We sat and did it together. And he did delete her contact in his phone. He has never outright told her to stop contacting. Additionaly we dated 2 years ago. It fell apart when he was dating multiple women. Seems like you have to force his hand to do the right thing. You shouldn't have to be mothering him into abiding to boundaries. And the fact that he was dating multiple women while in a relationship with you along with this red flag of enabling this woman/contact, it is indicative of what you're dealing with -- I agree with d0nnivain -- focus on your education and move on from this guy. In one of your other threads, you even called him a pathological liar. Why are you back with him? Edited March 13, 2018 by Zahara
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