Online Dating & Physical Appearance

August 29, 2005

I am not a member of eharmony currently, although I was at one time in the past. Recently, I signed up again just for kicks, although I did not join as a paying member. I simply did the personality profile.

They sent me a match, and while he seemed like he was a good match from what I could tell, I didn't pursue it simply because I'm not really sure I'm ready for this again right now. Signing up, was kind of a whim and I didn't really know how long it would take them to find a match for me anyway. I never even uploaded any pictures. I wasn't about to part with the $50 to join just to talk to this dude who may or may not be interested in talking to me. My thought was...if anyone finds my profile interesting enough to try and contact me, I might consider joining.

So, I get another match today and noticed that first dude closed our match. The reason he gave was "no pictures were visable."

Now, for some reason this really annoyed me. I may have "heard" this incorrectly, but it sounded as if looks was really the ONLY thing that mattered to him. I'm not judging the guy, that's just the way I read it. He could have reached out to me and said, hey, I'd like to see a picture. It is almost as if he ASSUMED I am not attractive because I didn't automatically plaster my face up there and it didn't matter what other wonderful things might appear in my profile, it was the looks (or fear of my looks) that was a deal breaker for contact.

AND, might I add...this guy had not posted any pictures of himself on his profile either.

Anyway, if that's his deal, so be it. I guess my question is this: Am I making too big of a deal of it? If I fail to post a picture, will most men just not bother at all? Am I expecting too much of these men to at least take an interest in the inside me before making a TOTAL judgement? I know attraction is important, and I'm not being vain to say that I think I'm above average in terms of attractiveness, so I have nothing to hide.

I dunno...maybe alot of this has to do with my old weight related baggage. After losing all this weight, I have had no trouble getting male attention, but it has not been the kind of attention I want. When I post a public personal ad with a picture, I get lots of good response. But, I still feel the way I did when I was much heavier, in that I want someone to like me for who I am on the inside.

August 29, 2005

I think most men are not willing to take the chance. If there is no photo, it is assumed a woman is not attractive. You have to remember that this guy could have any sort of personality. It is really impossible to draw a conclusion why he bumped your personal ad.

August 29, 2005

Well, he said "WHY"...and the why was because there was no picture.

But, I get what you are saying and maybe he didn't want to take that chance. Still, you would think with Eharmony, where the emphasis is on personality compatibility, there would be a bit more willingness to explore.

However, based on my experience with Eharmony matches from back when I was a member a year ago, I'm not sure its safe to assume that the guys on there really buy into the "compatibility" aspect. Both guys I met made it pretty clear that they were looking for a hook up and not much else. So, making any assumptions about a person dependent on what type of service they choose is probably not a good idea either.

I posted my picture. We'll see what happens with future matches.

August 29, 2005

Men will love you anyway for who you are inside, not outside. What I see is that you're actually afarid that if they don't like your face, they won't even give you a chance. Some men would, some wouldn't. You don't need them all anyway. You only need one man - the right one.

Generally people are too insecure about their looks and too secure about their personalities. But the truth is most people have attracted quite a few people of the opposite sex and been loved by more than one person regardless of their looks. It's the personality that is the deal maker or breaker when it comes to meaningful relationships.

Regarding the photos on your profile, you will get significantly more responses if you provide a picture. Personally, I care about every aspect, but I didn't want to talk to anyone without a picture on his profile. And men are even worse.

Just put a picture on. There is much more than facial features on our faces. Put a nice smiling picture taken by a professional photographer. Those work best.

Your face is als a part fo you just like your intellect, beliefs, faith, attitudes, education, moral values, financial or health state.

Besides, whatever you don't like about men, it's not their fault. Nature (or god, if you're believer) made them like that!

August 29, 2005

Thanks RP. I'm not worried about my face though. As I said, I'm not insecure about my looks and I happen to actually look better in photos than in real life, which is nice for attracting an online date, but leave me feeling a bit insecure upon meeting. I usually take a pretty good picture. Even my driver's license pic is good. LOL

And really, that was the nature of my question. Maybe its just the way guys are and I just need to get with the program rather than resist it on principle.

August 29, 2005

In regard to the guy saying there were no pics visible, it could have been a few reasons:

1. He just clicked on the wrong radio button for the reasons.

2. There is an option in eharmony to not display your pics until a certain round in the process. Do you have that selected for your settings?

3. He's an idiot.

But without knowing the real reason behind it I'd say, yes, you're making too big a deal out of it.

As for profile pics in general, I won't respond or initiate contact with a girl without a pic for 2 reasons:

1. I've responded to girls who didn't have pictures up only to be supremely disappointed when we've finally met. I made it a rule to never meet someone in person who I have never seen a picture of. Usually, if a girl doesn't want to put up a pic, there's a reason for that.

2. Dating sites aren't cheap. If I'm going to spend that kind of money, I'm going to fill out all parts of the profile and make sure I have several recent pics up. I mean, why spend that money and then do a halfass job of using the site? Therefore, I'm more likely to respond to or contact those women who have taken the time to fill in the detail as well. If a person has clearly taken some time to fill out all aspects of their profile--including photos--then they are more likely to use the site seriously and, consequently, be more responsive to messages.

Women usually meet more men than vice versa, but people of either gender have the potential to meet lots of people online. Dating in general is a numbers game and online dating just stresses the probabilistic aspect of it. In short, and in my opinion, you would be doing yourself a disservice by not displaying pics.

August 29, 2005

I put my best pictures on my profile and then I was afraid that I looked better on them than in person. The guys I met told me I looked better in person.

Unless you put pictures that are completely not you, chances are you will look better in person because of your charm, smile, body language, and the sparkle in your eyes (if you are attracted to the guy).

There is some radiance that every woman emits when she likes the man. Count on that!

I think people will see more than your perfect smile and nice features on your picture; it actually shows a person who seems reliable, moral, kind, intelligent, and grounded. You're pretty!

August 29, 2005

I've never done the online dating thing but it seems like everyone on here has. I don't know, I'm going through a dry spell, is this something you all like and maybe I should consider doing? Any advice, suggestions?

Taking a stab at the pictures question, could he possibly feel like you're hiding something or not completely open to the whole process?

August 29, 2005

There is some radiance that every woman emits when she likes the man. Count on that!

Would that "radiance" include perky nipples and a wet p***y??

No, but joking aside....you are correct RP. Its hard for women to contain themselves when the object of their affections is in the same room...unless they've been married for 15 yrs.

August 29, 2005

Would that "radiance" include perky nipples and a wet p***y??
QUOTE]

Exactly! The hearts beats faster, the PJ runs, and the eyes sparkle!

JS17, internet is just another place where you can meet people, just like libraries, college, work or museums. Moreover, when you meet someone at a bar, you will most likely go to bed with him before you find out where he grew up and which diploma he possesses. On the net, you can talk about everything and then decide whether the person is "worth" meeting. There is no chemistry that interferes with your common sense.
Besides the fact that you're not limited to your local environment is encouraging. Many couples have met online and ended up married. It's much easier to be trapped by a married man (who hides he's married) or a liar when you meet him in the grocery store or local night club. People tend to lie much less when they actually post information about themselves. But still many people lie about their age, marital status, and many other things. So I was told.
One guy (who is now my online friend ) lied on his profile about his age (took out 7-8 years). I caught him when I googled his name in the white pages. Another one sent me a song he made and I googled the song and found out that it belonged to a popular Californian bend .
But don't be scared, with a little research and intuition and enough dates, you will be able to recognize who's phony and who's real.

August 29, 2005

Thanks RP.

I think it might be worth a shot. I don't think I was meant for NY guys

Maybe this will broaden my scope.

If I asked if anyone had any recommendations for dating sites is it legit to post other websites here?

NewLee40 - sorry for hijacking your thread

August 29, 2005

Its ok that you jacked my thread.... In answer to your question, I have dated most exclusively through online personals because my lifestyle doesn't permit me to meet many people through other means.

Let me tell you, it has BEEN an experience! To be honest, I think that it is maybe one step above the bar scene, but not much better than that. I've met nice people, and I've met some really scary crazy people. Caution is the watchword - not only for your physical safety, but online dating is like a candy store for narcissists, players, and married men looking for a little side action.

Be discriminate, and don't feel like you have to date everyone that responds. Be alert for any red flags and take it all very lightly. I cannot tell you how many men thought it was totally appropriate to whip out "Mr. Happy" at the end of the second date, and a few on the first. I KNOW I didn't send those kind of signals (at least I hope not!) That is very telling. Let me tell you, my online dating experience has provided enough material to keep a dozen stand-up comediennes busy for years.

Looks-wise, I've never met anyone who didn't resemble their picture except for one who had quite a bit less hair by the time I met him. Must have been all the stress building up to our first date! NOT!

I also found that guys are pretty cynical when it comes to meeting women online in terms of their appearance. I always try to prepare them for the worst and exceed their expectations, rather than vice versa. LOL For some reason, and I have no idea WHAT these women are thinking, many of the guys I've met go out with women who look NOTHING like their pictures. So, that could explain the reservations.

I always put a "few extra pounds" on my profiles, but have had more than one guy express shock that I'm really more average than anything (a solid 8/10 now thank you) I'm still having trouble letting go of the feeling that I need to lose weight, but that's another issue all together. Usually, its the other direction. Most guys have told me you can expect a woman to be at least a couple of levels higher (in terms of their actual weight) than they claim on their profile (ex. a few extra pounds means BBW in reality)

I dont do that though. I can't imagine why anyone would. But, I digress.

My dilemma highlights the biggest problem I have with online dating. People make WAY too many assumptions about the other person before meeting them. Just like that guy made a mistake (saying this was his line of thinking) thinking I must be unattractive because I didn't post a picture, I could be very wrong in assuming he's a shallow prick who only cares about appearance.

Ever notice how much time we spend trying to figure people out, as opposed to just "discovering them?"

August 29, 2005

but online dating is like a candy store for narcissists, players, and married men looking for a little side action.

you forgot hookers and call girls looking for clients

August 29, 2005

you forgot hookers and call girls looking for clients

coming from the male side of online dating Alpha is right ..

I have been hit on by lots of call girls..

August 29, 2005

coming from the male side of online dating Alpha is right ..
I have been hit on by lots of call girls..

The profiles that are fake and just a front for hookers are painfully obvious. Only an idiot actually falls for those.

August 29, 2005

The profiles that are fake and just a front for hookers are painfully obvious. Only an idiot actually falls for those.

Heh heh, one of my friends fell for it but he's from Maine so we laughed at him then cut him a break.

August 29, 2005

The profiles that are fake and just a front for hookers are painfully obvious. Only an idiot actually falls for those.

that is not entirely true TB813....some of their ads look normal but their pics may be a bit more sexy or revealing. And many of them contact the guys first so its hard to tell whether they are legit or not.

August 29, 2005

The profiles that are fake and just a front for hookers are painfully obvious. Only an idiot actually falls for those.

True .. They normally have their e-mail inside their profile and all they talk about is pleasing men and such..

They almost always have professionally taken pics also.

I can imagine though that it works for them otherwise they wouldn't be doing it.

August 29, 2005

I never thought about call girls! And here I was giving it away for free....LOL

August 29, 2005

that is not entirely true TB813....some of their ads look normal but their pics may be a bit more sexy or revealing. And many of them contact the guys first so its hard to tell whether they are legit or not.

The profiles usually have preferences that include everyone. That is, Height: 3'0" - 8'11", Race: Any, Marital Status: Any, etc...

And the emails are usually like:

"Hey you,

I saw your profile and you look super interesting. My ex never treated me right and I need a good man to pleasure me. Hope to hear from you

<insert site link>"

If they never refer to a single detail of your profile specifically, that's a clue that the ad might not be legit.

August 29, 2005

I actually met my last bf in a yahoo chatroom. we talked for a good 3months before he asked to see a picture...I used to be the person who would come online meet a person and be like you wanna see my pic. but now that im a few yrs older and realize why folks "usually" go to the chats, i dont really advertise it out until they ask for it.

but yea me and my ex talked for 3 months, and we actually started dating before he saw my pic *never go with someone i seen, but the things he did for me was too good to pass him up*, but yea i showed him the picture a few months after we met, he liked it...we met middle sept. had our first real "date" on christmas,etc..infact on our first date he took me to meet his whole family. he told them alot about me and he wanted to show me off.. now im modest, some say im pretty, some say im sexy, some say im cute, blah blah..i say im alright..but he says he didnt "love" me before we "officially" met because of my looks, but because of my personality and my sincerity,etc.

When i was younger looks mattered to me then..now i think a man who has a sense of humor and can see life in many ways is just sexy as hell:o ..he can be bald, with three teeth in his mouth, with a million wrinkles,etc but if he wears that with confidence and can still make a joke about it,ooooooooh weeeee..but yea i see what they mean when they say that in relationships looks fade..they do, but a personality usually stays the same, and thats what makes a person beautiful or ugly

August 29, 2005

I simpy don't trust people who don't have their photos up - I can't help but wonder what you have to hide. Everyone always says that confidence, in both sexes, is number one, so what does a lack of photo show?

Sometimes the photo is not completely stand out, but the combination of the photo and the profile is what interests you. This is what happened with the guy I'm dating now; I looked at the photo and though "ehhh", but then read the profile and was impressed and so decided to drop him an email. I'm glad I did, because he's much cuter in person.

August 29, 2005

I simpy don't trust people who don't have their photos up -, so what does a lack of photo show?

youre forgetting one angle here KK826....some people don't want their pics up cause of work reasons, or they are married, or they don't want their friends to make fun of them. So there are other reasons too why thy may not hav pics besides lack of confidence or them being ugly

August 29, 2005

youre forgetting one angle here KK826....some people don't want their pics up cause of work reasons, or they are married, or they don't want their friends to make fun of them. So there are other reasons too why thy may not hav pics besides lack of confidence or them being ugly

Oh, I am sure that was consoling, KitKat. Next time when you see a pictureless profile, it's not cuz the guy is ugly, but he is simply married so give him a chance!

Any guy who's ashamed of what he put there could be lying. And friends who make fun of him? Nice friends!

I don't think the women you suspect are hookers are really that. I mean, will she go to bed with her date and then ask him to pay for the service?

For some reason I think they would charge him without his consent!

August 29, 2005

Oh, I am sure that was consoling, KitKat. Next time when you see a pictureless profile, it's not cuz the guy is ugly, but he is simply married so give him a chance!

I had a buddy who worked as a trial lawyer for a high-powered law firm and he was an OK looking dude but did not want his pic plastered all over the internet

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