lioil Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 So after a month of seeing this girl i asked her to be my girlfriend after i dropped her off. She actually said she was going to buy some water, tapped me on the shoulder and said she would reply to me via text. I thought it was a "gentle/coward no" but after half hour or so she texted and agreed. Long story short she is concerned about her work status - she has a sponsored visa but trying to get green card so she is not certain how long she can stay here. Her workplace is trying to help her as well so it looks good but nothing is 100% certain. She did say she like me too and want to try it out but the uncertainty is her work visa. I replied that it is understandably a concern but long term if we work out and marry this issue will solve itself. She then said she can be clingy and temperamental but i replied that's fine and thats why we want to be in a relationship to know more about eachother. So how should i act from now on? Should i make more moves since we are girlfriend/boyfriend? We held hands couple of times. For the next few weeks she might go back to her home country to change her visa (due to changing her job status with her current employer). Thanks!
bathtub-row Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Just act normal. What concerns me more than the visa issue is that she didn't answer you in person. Seems strange. Just keep in mind that international relationships can be trying. If she ends up having to go back to her country, don't think that she can just quickly pop back over and marry you. That can sometimes involve months and months of visa issues. It's all a major headache. I dealt with it with my (now ex) husband who was from England and his company was the one dealing with the visa and expenses. It went on for over 2 years. In the meantime, he had to keep leaving to go back to his country for a certain amount of time. That wasn't an issue in his case because he had money but if money is a factor, that's a major milestone. The other thing you're going to deal with is a difference of cultures. If she's from a country that has a hugely different culture, this could be a problem.
Grey40 Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Only a month of dating and you're already discussing marriage? Seems a little quick to me. Also, in the future let the women bring up exclusivity, if she doesn't then you can do so, but a month really isn't a long time. How many dates have you been on? 1
Steve51 Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Just keep in the back of your mind that she may be saying all this so that you will marry her when the time comes. I work for a company that employs a lot of foreigners and none of them want to go back. The last guy we fired was crying. I know one person that ended up marrying someone so that they could get a green card but in return she got her son's college tuition paid by her new husband whom she left as soon as his last tuition check cleared the bank. She may be legit or she may be making sure that she enters into a relationship that can lead to marriage. If I was her I would not want to be in an exclusive relationship with someone who has no intention of marrying me. I would want to become a citizen by marriage and therefore find someone who wants a committed relationship with possible marriage rather than someone who is going to wave goodbye to her when she returns to whatever country she fled from. I could be way off but just keep this in mind.
winny Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Sounds like excuses to me. She may not be sure about you that's why.
Purepony Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Yup this could be tricky I’m assuming you told her you are born here ?
Mrin Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Not willing to read any deviance into her actions/reactions. Okay, here's one tip - one thing you need to realize is that "your relationship" probably caught her by surprise and is now pretty far down on her priorities list. Way below "in what country will I be living in three months" and "will my career stay on track". It isn't that she doesn't care about you, it is just that there are more pressing matters to occupy her attention. Your "if we get married we solve this this permanently" was probably well intentioned on your part. But don't go there again because it changes the dynamic you guys have. You go from being that nice guy who wants to be her boyfriend to something else - something that impacts her residency (and career status) and that's just confusing and sort of ruins it. Look - I don't really fully understand that either but I've had 46 years of "stepping in it" with women and I'm just telling you that this is a probable reaction she might have. Best of luck! Mrin 1
Popsicle Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 (edited) I don’t think she’s being devious either and I’m a fan of marrying quickly (USA born here-Woot!) but I dont think you should marry for any reason other than love. And love comes naturally and not due to utility. The way you brought it up is sheer utility. It’s not romantic like you think. As for tips, I know you want to move fast (my favorite kind of guy) but it appears she wants to move slower and more naturally. Considering her age, 36, I’m sure she’s thought about what she wants but if you really want children, I would advise you to go with a younger woman who you have more time with. If this woman was in a rush to have children she would have said yes. Edited March 12, 2018 by Popsicle
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 She was candid about her status. What else is there? You date her while she's here. You enjoy the time you have together. You cross your fingers that she gets her immigration status in order but you accept whatever happens. There is nothing for you to do or say. All you can do is enjoy what time you do have. If she remains around, great but don't fret about things you can't control.
alphamale Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 she's looking for a green card man, steer clear
Gaeta Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 I am dating a foreigner so I've spent the last 2,5 years dealing with this. * Did you know about her status in your country when you met her or she just dump this on you? * What was her objective when she moved to your country? was it for temporary work or she wanted to get permanently established? * If she wanted to get permanently established what has she done to accomplish that? * Is your country open to immigration to people from her country? When I met my boyfriend he told me on our first meeting that he was from France trying to get permanent residence here. Before embarking in a relationship with him I educated myself on all aspects of immigration from his country to mine. Marriage will absolutely not fast forward an immigration. My cousin was dating a woman that had recently moved to our country. They thought marriage would solve it all so they got married after 3 months dating. That was 1 year ago, she is still not legal here and still is not granted a work permit. My BF will obtain his permanent residency before she does and this by being pro-active and getting an immigration lawyer to teach him the way. Finally, if my BF chances of getting his permanent residency here had been low I would not have gotten involved with him. My life is here, I am not following him anywhere, not even Paris.
OneParadox Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Never hurry putting labels on relationships. Things should be organic and easy. A girlfriend is a girlfriend not because you formally ask her to be your girlfriend, but because you both dig each other and spend a ton of time together doing fun things. The label should be the last after-thought.
PRW Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 (edited) Everybody has already given some pretty good advice, but I want to take a moment and comment on some very specific things. So after a month of seeing this girl i asked her to be my girlfriend after i dropped her off. She actually said she was going to buy some water, tapped me on the shoulder and said she would reply to me via text. I thought it was a "gentle/coward no" but after half hour or so she texted and agreed. She didn't agree. she said "...would like to, but...", and she took a half hour to do that,...after she wasn't physically with you. You made her feel too uncomfortable to say anything while looking you in the eye. You went way too fast. The relationship conversation is supposed to be initiated by the woman,...and it statistically happens around 7-8 weeks if there aren't problems I replied that it is understandably a concern but long term if we work out and marry this issue will solve itself. Uh-oh. You used the "M" word in the same conversation. Not good. She then said she can be clingy and temperamental but i replied that's fine and thats why we want to be in a relationship to know more about eachother. Let me translate the woman-speak. She said "Slow down dude! You're acting Clingy and that is going to make me Temperamental" Then you used the "R" word. So how should i act from now on? Once or twice a week hang out, have fun, keep your mouth shut about Labels such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, and especially marriage. Don't do a bunch of texting or calling in between. She needs time (without you around) to think and contemplate on things. Should i make more moves since we are girlfriend/boyfriend? You may have already screwed that up. She didn't actually agree to that,...not really. We held hands couple of times. That just means she felt close to you at that particular moment you were holding hands. It was not a transaction, it was only an indication of emotions felt at that given moment. Edited March 12, 2018 by PRW
Author lioil Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Thanks for the numerous replies - here are some additional details and it points to her not trying to "swindle me" Age: 27-28 Background: Been in US for 5 years. Attended grad school here and working for international known company. She has work visa but trying to become full time salaried employee so she will need to upgrade her visa to some special status and it can only be done in her home country. Her company is making an effort to keep her and helping her with it. * Did you know about her status in your country when you met her or she just dump this on you? I knew about it from initial conversations. I brought up relationship because its been little more than 1 months and we did 4 dates - its better to know now than being dragged along. I have many friends from school who were also international and worrying about visa is an issue - one friend actually had to go back because he could get a new job after his company went belly up. She doesnt seem to care if she ends up in China but she said it definitely puts a wrinkle in the relationship thing though. And we are actually from same culture so mentioning long distance goals like marriage is not considered a "turn off". Actually when we first met she said she is not interested in short term relationships and have no patience for "players". In terms of what's next - She makes me call her by a nick name instead of "normal" honey/babe which is fine. As I mentioned earlier if everything goes well, she will be back to her country quickly for 2 weeks to upgrade visa and hang out with her family there then come back. I might be able to get a couple of dates in there till then. I might be trying to go fast and as others mentioned it might not be a good idea - should i let her take the lead or how slow i should take it? I was thinking try to kiss her maybe before she goes back.
alphamale Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Thanks for the numerous replies - here are some additional details and it points to her not trying to "swindle me" Age: 27-28 Background: Been in US for 5 years. Attended grad school here and working for international known company. She has work visa but trying to become full time salaried employee so she will need to upgrade her visa to some special status and it can only be done in her home country. Her company is making an effort to keep her and helping her with it. * Did you know about her status in your country when you met her or she just dump this on you? I knew about it from initial conversations. I brought up relationship because its been little more than 1 months and we did 4 dates - its better to know now than being dragged along. I have many friends from school who were also international and worrying about visa is an issue - one friend actually had to go back because he could get a new job after his company went belly up. She doesnt seem to care if she ends up in China but she said it definitely puts a wrinkle in the relationship thing though. And we are actually from same culture so mentioning long distance goals like marriage is not considered a "turn off". Actually when we first met she said she is not interested in short term relationships and have no patience for "players". In terms of what's next - She makes me call her by a nick name instead of "normal" honey/babe which is fine. As I mentioned earlier if everything goes well, she will be back to her country quickly for 2 weeks to upgrade visa and hang out with her family there then come back. I might be able to get a couple of dates in there till then. I might be trying to go fast and as others mentioned it might not be a good idea - should i let her take the lead or how slow i should take it? I was thinking try to kiss her maybe before she goes back. as I said earlier she's looking for an American citizen to marry as soon as possible so that she doesn't have to go back to China
Author lioil Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 maybe i am naive but i dont think that's the case. She's really not in a situation where she's out of US anytime soon - shes good enough that her company making it a priority to upgrade her visa. With that said, sometimes in a relationship it is a balance of things of "give and take". Men like pretty women and pretty women who knows their worth is gonna look for wealthy, handsome and successful men. Naturally it is not only one thing people go for but the point is, if we love eachother it doesnt really matter.
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