mortensorchid Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 I signed onto Bumble last night (I was at home, suffering from a cold) and decided to do some swiping. I started chatting with this guy, seemed alright. He was also home sick, we talked about general chit chat stuff. He ended it with "You seem great. Let's have 2.5 kids and get a 30 year mortgage". I responded with "Oh my! Thanks, but that's a bit sudden isn't it?" He said he was only kidding but I do seem cool, I said thanks perhaps we will chat tomorrow? He said yes. Today I went back on Bumble and said hello, he responded immediately. I said I was still suffering from my cold and we talked about cold medicines and the best kinds. Nothing after I told him of my bought with oregano oil (which is a miracle drug apparently). I am already insecure. Why? Two reasons: 1) Bumble - The design of Bumble is to have the woman initiate the conversation first. I understand that completely. That is the initial move of "Hi how are you?" If the man does not respond in 24 hours, that's that. Understood. And we had an actual conversation, which is great. But ... I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be in life? True, this is how the app operates in itself, but is it ... Right? 2) 2nd conversation - I initiated the second conversation. I wonder if this will turn into an obvious situation where he is clearly not interested and only responds to my texts. I fear this already. Or am I being paranoid?
normal person Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 1) Bumble - The design of Bumble is to have the woman initiate the conversation first. I understand that completely. That is the initial move of "Hi how are you?" If the man does not respond in 24 hours, that's that. Understood. And we had an actual conversation, which is great. But ... I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be in life? True, this is how the app operates in itself, but is it ... Right? Is there a way things are "supposed" to go? They just do or don't, the way I see it. The purpose of the ap is to keep you from being annoyed by men you don't want to be contacted by. If you prefer it that way, then I guess it's "right" in that context, isn't it? 2) 2nd conversation - I initiated the second conversation. I wonder if this will turn into an obvious situation where he is clearly not interested and only responds to my texts. I fear this already. Or am I being paranoid? Seems like a relatively harmless thing to be "paranoid" about. If he doesn't keep the conversation going, I guess you can assume he's just not that interested, so you can move on. That's par for the course on these aps, there's usually a high attrition rate amongst matches for whatever reason. Of the group you match with, you'll probably only contact a percentage, only a percentage of those will respond, only a small amount of those will take the conversation far enough for you to eventually meet up, and of the group that you actually meet, you might only like one, if that. But one is all you're looking for, right? That's just how it is with the aps most of the time. I wouldn't sweat it too much. Just do what feels natural and don't invest too much into the interactions before they necessitate it. Best of luck.
Grey40 Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 A lot of guys really don't know what they're doing with women, and they overthink everything. You'll find a lot of guys that will wait forever to ask a girl out online because A)They're afraid of rejection and B)Think they have to talk to her and make her feel comfortable first. (which is true, but some guys think this means an entire week of BS chit-chat). The other issue is a lot of guys are on the apps because they lack self-esteem and social skills to begin with, which is why they can't meet people in person. Either way, you have to be patient basically. There are aggressive women out there who will ease it forward by saying stuff like, "So when are we going to go out?" or by suggesting something she'd like to do like, "Oh, I'd love to check out XXX sometime" hoping that the guy will make the plan. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 I liked Bumble because it seemed to have more attractive and more educated/successful men. As for initiating, my rule was to ask something generic and then let a guy take over from there. If he replies with 2 words, I stop replying. So essentially, after the first "How was your week?" it's the same as any other OLD site or app. I am looking for someone articulate and enthusiastic about me so that immediately rules out a lot of men. As for meeting, I usually suggested it. Many men seemed relieved. Those the were hesitant, I stopped replying. It doesn't put you in a "weaker position"at all. After you meet in real life, the slate is wiped clean and it all depends on in-person chemistry. So in my view it's useless putting in a lot of effort into overthinking things before the first meeting.
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 When you are feeling better ask him out on a date. 1
iVisa Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Ask him to go out. After first meeting, you will decide what to do. 1
OneParadox Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 Yep, you are being paranoid. Like others said: meet him for a cup of coffee as soon as you feel better. Ten seconds in real life beat 1000 messages/emails. 1
joseb Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 (edited) As for initiating, my rule was to ask something generic and then let a guy take over from there. If he replies with 2 words, I stop replying. So essentially, after the first "How was your week?" it's the same as any other OLD site or app. I am looking for someone articulate and enthusiastic about me so that immediately rules out a lot of men. . If you want to have articulate, enthusiastic and interesting conversations, I'd recommend starting with something interesting yourself. You can't blame a guy for a short reply to a boring question. I can understand that you might want to just send a quick message as you only have a limited time to do it, but he also needs to reply withing a 24 hour window. If that's the case, then i would just count the first two responses as "ok yeah I do want to talk" and make your next reply the interesting one. Edited March 12, 2018 by joseb 1
greymatter Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Today I went back on Bumble and said hello, he responded immediately. I said I was still suffering from my cold and we talked about cold medicines and the best kinds. Nothing after I told him of my bought with oregano oil (which is a miracle drug apparently). d Personally, in the 2nd message, I would ask him about himself or anything else really, other than talking about colds again. That is a conversation that is going nowhere fast.
Author mortensorchid Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 And the conversation dropped off yesterday and I haven't heard a word from him today. I think this is dead in the water. But did want to reference someone else's comment about Bumble being a great app to meet people on. I must not have the same one you do because it's nothing but disappointments for me. I met one guy face to face, I was actually excited about meeting him because we used to frequent the same hot spots back when we were in our early 20s (not that we met then) in the rock music scene. And when we said our good-byes he hugged me and said "Good luck". I felt my heart drop into my stomach when I heard that, I knew I would never hear from him again after that. And I was right. And if you haven't heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, you will never hear from him again 90% of the time. The second was this stiff necked Jesus freak, he kept texting me about how Jesus did this and that for him, I just said "Uh huh" until he kept telling me more and more until I stopped listening. The third was this guy I was telling others about.
Shining One Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 But did want to reference someone else's comment about Bumble being a great app to meet people on. I must not have the same one you do because it's nothing but disappointments for me.How many men have you messaged in total?
greymatter Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 You are putting yourself out there like many of us, trying to meet people to see if there is a connection. That can happen if you keep trying. I say this in a friendly way but I don't think you are helping yourself to keep thinking there are all of these rules (like the "if you don't hear from someone in 48 hours" mantra that you have posted again and again). It may be true for you but it's not for everyone, and has the danger of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy if you unconsciously communicate negativity. I just suspect it's doing you more harm than good to keep thinking thoughts like that one that don't help you move forward in how you feel about yourself. 2
kassy Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Stop making silly rules. my now boyfriend I met off bumble, we had a first date, messaged after said we wanted to do it again a s then I didn't hear from him for a week. I now know his mum was having problems and he was just mentally busy with her and work. We then went out again and didn't kiss till our 5th date. We've been happy as Larry since then. Don't go crazy with all these rules just let things play out. Most first dates don't go anywhere, accept that just go to have fun and meet someone new. Don't create all these crazy rules. Just take things as they come and you'll be less paranoid. When it works out it should be fun and easy. Try and have more fun with it. Your post was so negative.
Fair Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 (edited) Men will initiate and jump an ocean if they're truly interested. If he doesn't initiate next time I would assume there's not enough interest there. Let's not all pretend that men don't like to be/won't be the ones doing the pursuing when they like someone. It's not about making up silly rules... this is how it works, and anyone who had dated... EVER.... knows this. In fact this goes for anyone. If you're the one doing all the initiating, you have no friends, either... just as an example. Edited March 13, 2018 by Fair
newyorker11356 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Men will initiate and jump an ocean if they're truly interested. If he doesn't initiate next time I would assume there's not enough interest there. Let's not all pretend that men don't like to be/won't be the ones doing the pursuing when they like someone. It's not about making up silly rules... this is how it works, and anyone who had dated... EVER.... knows this. In fact this goes for anyone. If you're the one doing all the initiating, you have no friends, either... just as an example. To me, it goes both ways. If the guy is always initiating and getting practically nothing in return, then he should move on. Both parties should be 50-50 in doing the pursing. 2
Fair Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 To me, it goes both ways. If the guy is always initiating and getting practically nothing in return, then he should move on. Both parties should be 50-50 in doing the pursing. Men will typically start it though and not hold back even if it's 50/20 or less if he's really interested, and be quite persistent. This is the OP's question... is the fact that she's always the one initiating a good sign? Answer. No.
newyorker11356 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Men will typically start it though and not hold back even if it's 50/20 or less if he's really interested, and be quite persistent. This is the OP's question... is the fact that she's always the one initiating a good sign? Answer. No. More than likely, no. If one party is always the one initiating (whether the guy or girl), then it's typically not good. 2
grays Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 When I was OLD I decided not to try bumble bc I am so agressive that I feel like I need to be careful not to steamroll right over someone. And I hate feeling like the agressor. I was afraid it would appeal to less aggressive men. Im very happy to pull my weight, but I hate feeling like I'm chasing someone or when I can't guage their interest.
newyorker11356 Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 When I was OLD I decided not to try bumble bc I am so agressive that I feel like I need to be careful not to steamroll right over someone. And I hate feeling like the agressor. I was afraid it would appeal to less aggressive men. Im very happy to pull my weight, but I hate feeling like I'm chasing someone or when I can't guage their interest. Not all men are less aggressive on Bumble. I'm certainly not, lol. Bumble is my favorite dating app out of all the other apps/sites I've tried. Led me to the most success. 1
CptInsano Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 More than likely, no. If one party is always the one initiating (whether the guy or girl), then it's typically not good. Agreed, and I would also like to add that interest is often not instantaneous. Why would I be interested in somebody I know nothing about? There has to be some back and forth for something to develop.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Guy I liked the most this year I met on Bumble. We had great 6 weeks until he ghosted - I don’t think that has anything to do with Bumble. I didn’t think guys were less interested or less likely to see me again on there. It’s hit and miss everywhere.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 If you want to have articulate, enthusiastic and interesting conversations, I'd recommend starting with something interesting yourself. You can't blame a guy for a short reply to a boring question. I can understand that you might want to just send a quick message as you only have a limited time to do it, but he also needs to reply withing a 24 hour window. If that's the case, then i would just count the first two responses as "ok yeah I do want to talk" and make your next reply the interesting one. I’m a woman, I shouldn’t have to work at it 1
joseb Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 I’m a woman, I shouldn’t have to work at it Haha well isn't the whole point of bumble to turn the tables?!
greymatter Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 When I was OLD I decided not to try bumble bc I am so agressive that I feel like I need to be careful not to steamroll right over someone. And I hate feeling like the agressor. I was afraid it would appeal to less aggressive men. Im very happy to pull my weight, but I hate feeling like I'm chasing someone or when I can't guage their interest. I would call you assertive, not aggressive (unless you are beating up men ). About the bolded part I can understand - ambiguity is especially hard to tolerate. 1
Exformer Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 Men will typically start it though and not hold back even if it's 50/20 or less if he's really interested, and be quite persistent. This is the OP's question... is the fact that she's always the one initiating a good sign? Answer. No. I just want to quote this because I laughed at 50/20. Is this supposed to represent that even when a guy tries to go half way...the girl still manages less...with 30% effort floating around for grabs? I would say that very rarely any individual case can be looked at as an even 50/50. Perhaps more like 70/30 or 80/20 one way or the other gender. Though maybe multiple cases could be put together to average closer to equal among the sexes. In my experience, there tends to be a clear chaser to some extent. Sometimes that's the guy. However, I've also experienced the opposite plenty of times. The "traditional" version is that the guy initiates, and many girls still feel that the guy should be the person to do so. This has lead to more than one girl, in some way, asking me to ask them out...which is just dumb. Fortunately, this doesn't need to be the case. Someone has to get things started, and it's not the end of the world for a girl to be the one to do it. Of course, you don't want to always be the one to start things up, but twice isn't exactly a big enough sample pool to determine that a person is not interested enough to initiate ever. He could have been interested enough to initiate conversation if given more opportunity to do so before OP contacted him for the second time. It could have been the content of second conversation that caused him to loose interest. He could also contact her later, but be busy right now. We don't know his situation.
Recommended Posts