My girlfriend tried to commit suicide and it's my fault...

[mynameised]

Hi guys, my first post here. My girlfriend used this forum. I don't even know where to begin. She's 28, I'm 40. I love her deeply.

 

A little background, we've been together for 2,5 years now, last 6 months were a long distance. A few days ago we had a serious argument, we've been arguing a few times during those 6 months. When she was near there were no issues whatsoever but it all started when she went to her country to actually help her mum after the operation she had. She was supposed to get back after a month or so.

 

After a month I noticed her mood has changed and at one night she passed out and got took to the hospital. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and tetany. She used to have a mental health problem in the past (depression and anxiety disorder) but she got better. She had issues with her family, mostly father who was abusing her and her mother. However her mom stayed with her father. i noticed her mood swings and she was complaining about thr body pain and low energy. She changed, her mental problems returned, she was miserable and upset, she was crying a lot and was anxious about everything, mostly about losing me.

 

She went to see a doctor and he prescribed her some antidepressants, her mood was changing a lot, she was tired I know, she was fed up with the stress and her illness. I went to see her and she has changed. She began to be jealous of me and we had an argument few times because of it. a few days ago I had a go at her.... stupid me. Just a two days earlier we had a different argument.. about silly stuff obviously. so that a few days ago I remember she was sending me messages how much she loves and appreciates me. I video called her, she rejected the call saying she was feeling unwell and not in the mood. It pissed me off... It made me upset because I missed her so much and wanted to see her. then she called me and I picked up however I couldn't talk and dropped the call. She messaged me a few hours later that she is wondering whats going on and it all has started, I acted like a total prick.

 

 

I was still mad at her about not answering the call earlier, she called me twice and I messaged her not to bother because I'm not gonna talk to her. Then I sent her a hateful message, I know it was unnecessary.... Then she called me again and I didn't pick up. I sent her a message that she shocked me about not being comfy with me etc... I said I'm not about fakery and stuff, she told me it makes her upset... but I continued to be a di*k. Then she sent me some pictures and video messages, she was crying and explaining herself. I still continued to be a selfish prick, and I told her that all these messages don't mean a thing to me (stupid me, I don't know what I was thinking.....) I clearly wasn't thinking straight. Then I said her she ruined my day, I was still mad etc, she then tried to call me again but I rejected. She was sending me messages that she doesn't feel well, she had to take an anxiety pill and she couldn't stop crying, I just messaged her goodnight and went to sleep. When I woke up there were messages from her saying how much she cares and loves me, how upset she was and that she wanna die. In the morning I left her a message that she needs to calm down. No reply, no messages from her. I actually didn't message her too because I was still upset. We had quiet days and I felt something really strange, I actually started being worried about her and I realized how much I really love her. Then I had a call from her sister saying she tried to kill herself and she's in the hospital... I literally dropped my phone, I felt like something just hit me, I felt like my heart is breaking into million pieces.... it was horrible, I lost my parents and a brother, now this? I cant get over it, I cant function, I cant eat, I can't sleep... I can't focus on anything. She's in intensive care, almost died.... and it's still not sure if she'll be ok. I know I played a huge role in all this.... If only I could unsay things and make it different. I don't know what im gonna do if she dies..... sorry guys for all the mistakes but I'm a wreck at he moment.... How to fix this mess I caused.... :(

[she26]

Wow. I'm not sorry for you, even one bit. I'm sorry for her because she can't rely on her boyfriend whom she clearly loves so much. Sorry for being harsh, but I don't think you deserve her. At the moment be there for her and give her love, attention.. She clearly needs that. But it seems you don't or didn't appreciate her, yes you've been a huge p*ick. You can't fix this, you can only make sure she gets help she needs. Hope she'll push through, smh. I'll pray for her.

[mammasita]

This isn't your fault. She has issues she needs to deal with. Sure, you could have been more present at the time, but you're not a mind reader.

 

Just help her get the help she needs and hopefully move on. Don't stay with her simply because you feel sorry for her, but if that's what you do, make sure its for the right reasons.

[grays]

I wonder if she was having a bad reaction to her new depression meds.

[LoverOfDance]

Wow man, I'm not sure how we can help you. You knew about her health struggles but still acted so immaturely. You're 40, you shouldn't be acting this way. Try to think and be patient before acting.

 

Thank God she survived. Visit her at the hospital and ask for forgiveness. Try to be there for her as much as possible.

[mortensorchid]

Wow. I will say this about your situation : It's not your fault. She has mental health issues and you can't blame yourself. Maybe you didn't do the right things by her, but her attempt to commit suicide didn't have much to do with you. You just happened to be in the situation.

 

Do you know the original ending to Fatal Attraction? Test audiences didn't like the original ending so they re-shot the ending with a final confrontation between Alex and Michael Douglas's wife. They wanted Alex to be a knife welding psycho, which she was on one side. But on the other she was actually a tragic person. SHe was deeply disturbed, lonely and sad, which is why she was trying to be part of Dan's life. In the original ending, she committed suicide. In that sense, you realized it really wasn't Dan's fault. That story really isn't your situation by any means, but you realize that it really didn't have much to do with Dan himself. She was crazy, she was lonely, and she was desperate to be loved. Not just by him but someone. I think people would have understood things a bit better that way. Which I hope you do.

[mynameised]

This isn't your fault. She has issues she needs to deal with. Sure, you could have been more present at the time, but you're not a mind reader.

 

Just help her get the help she needs and hopefully move on. Don't stay with her simply because you feel sorry for her, but if that's what you do, make sure its for the right reasons.

 

I see it a bit different, it's not only her issue. We are a couple, it's my issue, too. As her man, I take responsibility for her and yes, I should've known better...

[mynameised]

Wow man, I'm not sure how we can help you. You knew about her health struggles but still acted so immaturely. You're 40, you shouldn't be acting this way. Try to think and be patient before acting.

 

Thank God she survived. Visit her at the hospital and ask for forgiveness. Try to be there for her as much as possible.

 

Exactly... You just said it all.

[mynameised]

I wonder if she was having a bad reaction to her new depression meds.

 

She's been on them for about 3 months now, so it's long enough to adapt according to her psychiatrist's words.

[mynameised]

Wow. I will say this about your situation : It's not your fault. She has mental health issues and you can't blame yourself. Maybe you didn't do the right things by her, but her attempt to commit suicide didn't have much to do with you. You just happened to be in the situation.

 

Do you know the original ending to Fatal Attraction? Test audiences didn't like the original ending so they re-shot the ending with a final confrontation between Alex and Michael Douglas's wife. They wanted Alex to be a knife welding psycho, which she was on one side. But on the other she was actually a tragic person. SHe was deeply disturbed, lonely and sad, which is why she was trying to be part of Dan's life. In the original ending, she committed suicide. In that sense, you realized it really wasn't Dan's fault. That story really isn't your situation by any means, but you realize that it really didn't have much to do with Dan himself. She was crazy, she was lonely, and she was desperate to be loved. Not just by him but someone. I think people would have understood things a bit better that way. Which I hope you do.

 

I do blame myself. I'm not fully responsible, but my actions played a role. Like I said, I should've known better. For the past 2,5 years or even those 6 months, she never mentioned a word about killing herself or anything like that.

[mynameised]

Wow. I'm not sorry for you, even one bit. I'm sorry for her because she can't rely on her boyfriend whom she clearly loves so much. Sorry for being harsh, but I don't think you deserve her. At the moment be there for her and give her love, attention.. She clearly needs that. But it seems you don't or didn't appreciate her, yes you've been a huge p*ick. You can't fix this, you can only make sure she gets help she needs. Hope she'll push through, smh. I'll pray for her.

 

I feel like a d*ck. I wish I could turn back time...

[Popsicle]

You don't sound 40, you sound 20.

[mynameised]

You don't sound 40, you sound 20.

 

I certainly did, I'm aware of it now.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not so sure you should try to rectify this.

 

You two are not great together. She has issues you can't solve, and you behaved like a brat.

 

Hopefully she makes a full recovery, but an apology isn't going to fix this. The problems are so much deeper than that.

[bathtub-row]

Love or not, the two of you are not compatible. At all. This girl is some kind of messed up and, while I can understand you feeling guilty, this relationship is very toxic to you both.

 

The problem with people like her is that they can drive you into a state of complete emotional chaos because of the craziness and drama that they live and breath. I don't know what to tell you but I don't see this lasting. Next time around, make sure the person you're with is more stable mentally.

[smackie9]

You can make the choice to get yourself into therapy. I think it would be very helpful to your situation.

[preraph]

She needs to return visit to her psychologist or whoever prescibed her the meds and they need to coordinate with her other doctors. Not all meds work on all people the same. She may need an adjustment.

 

She is going through a lot of pain and that may well be all she can deal with. You can't expect people with big physical problems to just act like nothing is wrong. She's probably miserable.

 

That said, it's never anyone else's fault when someone commits suicide, except if the family neglected to address a problem with professional help, not the case here. She has a history of abuse, so that is the root of many of her problems. It's serious. She is really having a hard time all around.

 

Be sure someone gets her back to whoever prescribed the antidepressants to report symptoms to the doctor. Be sure that doctor understands her problems go deeper than pain management and is aware of her background and past mental health. I know this may be out of your hands, but try to be sure it gets done. Not all families understand all of this mental health stuff.

[agawam25]

Okay, so I've read your post and it definitely rang familiar, as I've both had suicide cases in my family and I was also in a LTR with someone diagnosed with both depression and anxiety who was having suicidal tendencies at one point. Unlike your gf, mine didn't even want to go through therapy. Nevertheless, here are a few things to keep in mind:

 

-although you could've been more empathetic and sensitive to her issues, there's one thing to keep in mind: you can't save her. She can only save herself. Even if you were the most attentive, caring, supportive, understanding bf ever (trust me when I say I tried for the better part of my own relationship), she'd still be equally miserable and unhappy. That's what depression and anxiety do to people. I've seen it not only in my ex, but also others - a close family member committed suicide recently and he both had a partner who tried to be there for him and other people in his life to keep him on track. Didn't make any difference in the end.

 

-depression sometimes makes a person pick fights for no apparent reason, or push you towards picking a fight yourself. Some of us have specific defense mechanisms that kick in when we intuitively pick up on the fact that the other person has psychologically cornered us into a fight, where we end up acting selfishly etc. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that as long as we understand that that was our defense mechanism talking. So it's not like you don't know what got into you - your psyche felt threatened on some level (most probably by her irrational state). In essence, neither of you two is to blame. She's diagnosed, and you were just passively defensive. In retrospect, towards the end of my relationship with the aforementioned ex I became equally passively defensive - in the meantime I've learned how to be actively defensive. The trick is to draw the lines in what's acceptable behavior and what's not. But it seems to me like it's too late for that in your case, so honestly, I'd seriously consider breaking up and moving on for your sake, but also for hers. It sounds to me like you guys are in a very toxic relationship, and unfortunately there's no cure for that bar a serious reset away from one another. From what I know, people sometimes get better and grow in the meantime sufficiently for the relationship to evolve into something better and resume at a later time. Right now, there's really not much in the way of a healthy relationship between you two.

 

-read about suicide a bit. People who attempt suicide do it for different reasons and use different means depending on those reasons. I'm not saying that she attempted suicide to draw attention to herself - that's something only a qualified psych who will work with her long-term can assess. But keep in mind that the reasons behind her attempt can be as varied as a genuine desire to end her life (which she perceives as pointless etc.) which would have nothing to do with you, but also an attempt for the sake of an attempt (which would be a form of a cry for help). Means-wise, sometimes it's an elaborate plan (my ex had a worked out plan how to do it that she told me about much later and it still sometimes bothers me to think about the fact that she came up with all of that while I was sleeping next to her for years), sometimes it's a spur of the moment thing. These are all indicators as to the underlying cause behind it all, but a) no, it wasn't (just) you, and b) let the pros work that out with her. Then it's up to you to talk to her psychs, her family members and her, and upon that decide how involved you'd like to be in her recovery and everything that comes afterwards. Don't jump to conclusions just yet and blame yourself to the point of taking full responsibility. Even if you were the trigger, or the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, keep in mind that the decision to take one's life is never rational and always an extreme answer to what the person in question believes are insurmountable problems. It's never a genuine, logical, real reflection of matters at hand. Thus, your role is minimal when it comes to the greater picture of her having some serious issues to contend with.

 

tl;dr - it's not your fault, no matter how much of an ******* you were, and if you want to be there for her, and it sounds like you care a lot, then be there for her, especially during her suicide recovery period. It's up to you to decide in what particular role. My suggestion would be to reflect and understand that whatever relationship you guys have after this, it will be equally if not more toxic for both, and to act accordingly to both help her and preserve your own psychological and emotional health.

 

In any case, best of luck to you, and a speedy recovery to your girlfriend.

[CatMinx]

Suicide is only ever the fault of the person who commits it. You acted absolutely horribly for sure, but her suicide attempt was not your fault.

 

Honestly you two really just need to break up for good..your relationship is toxic.

[rickwman]

Part of loving someone is to be giving, honest and understanding. Your words are like little capsules that either bring life, or death to someone. Meaning, they either edify (build up) or tear down. You have control over your thoughts and words. I'll pray that you speak words that brings her life and thru this situation, you'll discover that you can always be a real blessing; and that she'll understand you better and you can be at peace with one another.

[d0nnivain]

While you could have been more sensitive, as others have pointed out her DECISION to try to end her life was not your doing. Instead of trying to kill herself she could have called a friend or gone to an ER. She did neither.

 

 

She was battling mental illness long before she ever met you. She has physical problems too -- fibromyalgia which is very painful. She has family problems -- mom in the hospital. You didn't cause her mother's illness nor give her fibromyalgia.

 

 

Her choice to cry for help in a dramatic & unhealthy way was not your doing. You can't take responsibility for it.

 

 

If money allows, get on a plane & go to her. If that is not possible, send her flowers or a fruit basket to the hospital. Check with the facility to see what is allowed.

 

 

Do tell her you love her but do not let her pin her mentally unstable decision on you.

 

 

Do take it as a wake up call to be more diplomatic when you speak to her because she is so mentally fragile.

 

 

Then take a long hard look at whether you want a lifetime of this. When things go wrong she will ALWAYS threaten to check out just to emotionally manipulate you. I know because I lived with a guy who did this until I finally had enough & ended the relationship. About 2 years later off his meds he finally made good on his threats but it was not my fault.

[Mkn1010]

Part of loving someone is to be giving, honest and understanding. Your words are like little capsules that either bring life, or death to someone. Meaning, they either edify (build up) or tear down. You have control over your thoughts and words. I'll pray that you speak words that brings her life and thru this situation, you'll discover that you can always be a real blessing; and that she'll understand you better and you can be at peace with one another.

 

Yes.

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers”

[Lorenza]

I don't agree that others can't be blamed for someone committing suicide. There are certain laws for leading someone to commit suicide (not saying that this is the case).

 

If you kick someone when they're down, you're a part of the problem, no doubt about that.

OP you were absolutely horrible to your mentally ill girlfriend who, on the top of that, suffers from constant physical pain and has family issues. You need to learn to manage your anger.

 

I hope she recovers and gets out of this relationship that obviously makes her life even more difficult.

[2much4]

Explain which "laws lead to suicide".

 

I can tell you that no one and no situation would cause me to commit suicide. Nor can I be the "cause" for someone else.

 

Some european countries have laws like that I don't know about the US. Basically there's laws about inciting someone to suicide. It has nothing to do with OPs situation though. It's mostly about explicitly planting the idea of suicide in someones head or reinforcing preexisting thoughts. One example would be someone who (knowingly) gives a suicidal person a gun or lethal poison. Or someone who helps a relative hang himself because he's after the inheritance.

[healing light]

Sorry to hear about this trauma. Any update on your girlfriend's condition?

 

 

It sounds like this woman has been having a rough time in every aspect of her life--physically, emotionally at home, and lastly her relationship with you. You were probably the one thing she was hanging onto in terms of a support system. Don't underestimate that taxing nature of chronic pain and illness, especially in a young person who should be in their prime. That comes with its own set of challenges that can easily permeate into every aspect of your life. Because fibro is in one of those class of "invisible illnesses," and because of her age, she is unlikely to be getting much understanding from anyone around her about the severity of her condition.

 

However, the other posters are right in that her wounds go deeper than your relationship. That being said, the way you fought with her sounded immature, passive aggressive, and abusive. If you decide to try with her again--assuming that she's going to make a recovery cognitively--I definitely would make sure you are doing something differently this time around (like therapy for both of you, getting her out of the toxic home, having the doctors review her meds, some kind of community involvement, etc.). Otherwise, you will just contribute to the toxicity around her.