What are the biggest reasons you don't want to be with a partner who has kids?

[littleblackheart]

And then there are men who use their kid as a shield to keep from getting hurt. My own exH used our kids as a shield with the nice girl he dated after our divorce. Poor girl got hurt, she was into him, but he was not ready. Said “the kids” and “I’m busy” and other blahs. I see right through it.

 

I'll admit I did do that in the past. Hindsight, eh.

 

This thread has been so helpful in so many ways. Thanks CO!!

[hotpotato]

Yeah but you probably wouldnt even be interested in a woman and asking her out on a date since you’re so preoccupied. The man who asked me out and brought his daughter was trying to show me something the wrong way. That’s all I’m going to say but I’m def no fool. I know when a man is interested but immature.

 

And then there are men who use their kid as a shield to keep from getting hurt. My own exH used our kids as a shield with the nice girl he dated after our divorce. Poor girl got hurt, she was into him, but he was not ready. Said “the kids” and “I’m busy” and other blahs. I see right through it.

 

Yes, they are showing you something, and it's not good!

 

In my case, the ex was too attached to the daughter, plus her health and family issues and issues with the his 2nd ex wife.

 

Imagine a 20 something grown adult coming on nearly all of your dates. It's was strange and a buzzkill. When I complained, he made me out to be selfish-for wanting to spend one on one time with him! He created a situation in which I would complain then dumped me when I complained. I don't know if it was a conscious thing. I felt like he was using the daughter as a buffer. Sometimes she literally stood between us.

 

So that's why I say I'm glad motorcycles kids are grown and gone!

 

When someone accuses you of being selfish because you want to spend one on one time with them, is very confusing and irritating.

Edited March 12, 2018 by hotpotato

[littleblackheart]

I think you're taking my posts easy too personally.

 

I'm not. I was making a general point about kids people and not kids people working out in real life despite your bad personal experiences, because they do.

 

I didn't personally mislead anyone, brought my kids to any date or even went on dates with my kids; I used them as a shield to protect myself because I wasn't ready to get into a relationship, but there was no confusion.

 

My own concern isn't that someone who doesn't have kids is selfish (I don't think that's the case at all, fwiw); rather, s that I'm perfectly capable to be a good mother and a good partner at the same time, but I need to be sure the guy is secure and I guess emotionally mature enough to trust that it can work. Selfishness or self-centeredness doesn't come into it.

 

Other than that, it's fine to not want to be involved with kids, simply because you don't want to deal with the headache.

[ChatroomHero]

The toughest thing I have found in the past when dating a woman with kids is you kind of end up like a silent punching bag. You can't really discipline much because the kids and the mom will turn on you. it's like they can burn down your house and you are supposed to sit there silently and hope she "handles" it.

 

 

Another thing I noticed was the absolute drop everything for the kid can go overboard with some women. I would have a date set up, money spent, tickets bought weeks in advance etc., and the mom would come back at the last minute and say something like, "Sorry, I have to cancel. Johnny asked if his friend could sleep over and I can't have two kids home alone with a sitter"...and it's like, um, why didn't you tell him he couldn't have a friend over tonight because you had plans?

 

 

In some cases I think it was the woman's parenting style where not so much the kid was #1, but the kid was #1, #2 and #3 and I was #5 or# 6 behind her job, her personal time and other stuff and it seemed very much like, "Chatroom Hero, you'll be priority 5A for the rest of your life with me, take it or leave it". I'd leave it.

 

 

It's just tough to know what type of situation you will be in until you are in it for a while and meet the kids. You might date her for a while and everything is great and then you get introduced to the kids and see a different situation playing out that that changes the relationship.

 

 

I guess to sum it up, you are not really just dating the girl, you are dating the whole situation and just dating the girl is tough enough to make work out.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes, they are showing you something, and it's not good!

 

In my case, the ex was too attached to the daughter, plus her health and family issues and issues with the his 2nd ex wife.

 

Imagine a 20 something grown adult coming on nearly all of your dates. It's was strange and a buzzkill. When I complained, he made me out to be selfish-for wanting to spend one on one time with him! He created a situation in which I would complain then dumped me when I complained. I don't know if it was a conscious thing. I felt like he was using the daughter as a buffer. Sometimes she literally stood between us.

 

So that's why I say I'm glad motorcycles kids are grown and gone!

 

When someone accuses you of being selfish because you want to spend one on one time with them, is very confusing and irritating.

 

 

The point though(even though I don't get the guy bringing his 20 + year old-maybe he just wasn't that into you and didn't feel like putting any effort into it??...I dunno what the deal was with that but it's not typical)...

 

As far as some of the other responses, people with kids(unless they don't give a shyt about them) won't sweat not getting full attention...They have(or had) their own kids to deal with and understand the level of commitment involved...They won't fuss over it, really...

 

It would be unfair to call you selfish, you don't have kids, so it's not something you can directly relate to...That's not being critical, it's just the way it is...

 

Its why it really is best to stick with someone of the same life experience...A good friend of mine with no kids got divorced and wound up with a woman with 3 little kids...She has him running all over the place for the kids, he bought a big house(that he didn't want or need), and now he is feeling resentful...If he had like aged kids, perhaps he could relate better or create an environment suitable for everyone, but as of right now, it looks like a bad deal for him...

 

TFY

[littleblackheart]

It's a gamble for sure. I'm still stubbornly going to hold on to the positive stories I know from real life but if I ever find myself in a position where I am considering a long-term, serious relationship with a child-free man, I shall keep CO's thread in mind and remember to make sure to give him consideration, time, appreciation and a lot of reassurance

[hotpotato]

The toughest thing I have found in the past when dating a woman with kids is you kind of end up like a silent punching bag. You can't really discipline much because the kids and the mom will turn on you. it's like they can burn down your house and you are supposed to sit there silently and hope she "handles" it.

 

 

Another thing I noticed was the absolute drop everything for the kid can go overboard with some women. I would have a date set up, money spent, tickets bought weeks in advance etc., and the mom would come back at the last minute and say something like, "Sorry, I have to cancel. Johnny asked if his friend could sleep over and I can't have two kids home alone with a sitter"...and it's like, um, why didn't you tell him he couldn't have a friend over tonight because you had plans?

 

 

In some cases I think it was the woman's parenting style where not so much the kid was #1, but the kid was #1, #2 and #3 and I was #5 or# 6 behind her job, her personal time and other stuff and it seemed very much like, "Chatroom Hero, you'll be priority 5A for the rest of your life with me, take it or leave it". I'd leave it.

 

 

It's just tough to know what type of situation you will be in until you are in it for a while and meet the kids. You might date her for a while and everything is great and then you get introduced to the kids and see a different situation playing out that that changes the relationship.

 

 

I guess to sum it up, you are not really just dating the girl, you are dating the whole situation and just dating the girl is tough enough to make work out.

 

Thank you, I was about to say that! If you're dealing with someone else's kid, you will have to pay for them, but they may be ungrateful. If you try to discipline them you might hear

 

"But you ain't my daddy/momma!"'

 

If plans get cancelled, sometimes it will be out of paren't with sole custody's control...Granny/Babysitter was busy/sick/whatever. Ex had to work last minute shift, or ex is being vindictive and refusing to pick up child. Then planned romantic becomes evening at Chuck E Cheese.

 

I'm not. I was making a general point about kids people and not kids people working out in real life despite your bad personal experiences, because they do.

 

I didn't personally mislead anyone, brought my kids to any date or even went on dates with my kids; I used them as a shield to protect myself because I wasn't ready to get into a relationship, but there was no confusion.

 

My own concern isn't that someone who doesn't have kids is selfish (I don't think that's the case at all, fwiw); rather, s that I'm perfectly capable to be a good mother and a good partner at the same time, but I need to be sure the guy is secure and I guess emotionally mature enough to trust that it can work. Selfishness or self-centeredness doesn't come into it.

 

Other than that, it's fine to not want to be involved with kids, simply because you don't want to deal with the headache.

 

It's not so much that as having to deal with a completely different lifestyle. Lack of spontaneity, dealing with exes who will always be around because of the kids, dealing with ungrateful kids, dealing with kids period is completely different situation from being single with no children.

 

It can be much, much more than a headache depending on the situation. A headache is having to wait in line at McDonalds. It can be a money pit, it can cause mental anguish. That single person doesn't know what the situation is until they are actually in it. That's not to say it's related to anyone's parenting skills, something you-know-what just happens.

[hotpotato]

The point though(even though I don't get the guy bringing his 20 + year old-maybe he just wasn't that into you and didn't feel like putting any effort into it??...I dunno what the deal was with that but it's not typical)...

 

As far as some of the other responses, people with kids(unless they don't give a shyt about them) won't sweat not getting full attention...They have(or had) their own kids to deal with and understand the level of commitment involved...They won't fuss over it, really...

 

It would be unfair to call you selfish, you don't have kids, so it's not something you can directly relate to...That's not being critical, it's just the way it is...

 

Its why it really is best to stick with someone of the same life experience...A good friend of mine with no kids got divorced and wound up with a woman with 3 little kids...She has him running all over the place for the kids, he bought a big house(that he didn't want or need), and now he is feeling resentful...If he had like aged kids, perhaps he could relate better or create an environment suitable for everyone, but as of right now, it looks like a bad deal for him...

 

TFY

He did something similar with his 2nd ex wife who became angry, and they divorced. Im guessing he was doing something similar with 2nd ex wife, but it was less obvious because his daughter was only 8. He wouldn't change over 15 years as his daughter got older, add in her health problems for a healthy mix of Complicated Situation.

 

My point was when you take on someone and their kids, you are becoming entangled in their family dynamics.

 

My ex complained that I didn't put him first or think of him yet he couldn't put me first. As regard to this issue, he told me this is how it was gonna be. Mind you he told me she was only around every other weekend, somehow that morphed into every single weekend and coming on most of our dates.

 

I definitely agree that it's easier to date someone in the same boat!

[Els]

Because kids are a huge sacrifice - in terms of time, money, career potential, travel, things you can do in a relationship, etc. I could maybe possibly perhaps justify the sacrifice if the kids were biologically mine. If they aren't, I can't. To me that would be like volunteering for MSF or doing full time unpaid work at a charity or something similar. It's an amazing thing to do and I respect people who can, I'm just not altruistic enough to do so.

[RecentChange]

Well, I am not on the market.. so my opinions do not really matter but….

 

I would not date someone who had kids under 18 , or maybe under 25 given how long it takes kids to grow up these days!

 

Why?

 

1. I do not want children

2. I do not want anything to do with the life style changes a parent must make

3. I think kids should be a parents #1 top priority –not a new love interest (me!)

 

I do not want to be a parent, nor would I want to be involved with someone who has the responsibilities of being a parent.

 

(I feel like this should be said to the tune of green eggs and ham! I do not want to be a parent in the car or on the bus, I do not want to be a parent to a step child, I do not want the fuss)

[littleblackheart]

It's not so much that as having to deal with a completely different lifestyle. Lack of spontaneity, dealing with exes who will always be around because of the kids, dealing with ungrateful kids, dealing with kids period is completely different situation from being single with no children.

 

It can be much, much more than a headache depending on the situation. A headache is having to wait in line at McDonalds. It can be a money pit, it can cause mental anguish. That single person doesn't know what the situation is until they are actually in it. That's not to say it's related to anyone's parenting skills, something you-know-what just happens.

 

Fair enough, thank you for the reply. I really get it, it's not for everyone and it's fine. I think it's ok not to want to deal with kids and all that comes with it. That said, child-free kids come with their own sets of issues too( also crazy exes, health issues, animals, family stuff, too much 'set in their ways' attitude) so that's not exclusive to the kids / no kids thing.

 

My sis is child-free and the only kids she likes are mine so I get it. I have more respect for someone who simply says they don't like kids (because it's their right) than anything else though, because most eveything else is a case-by-case basis, imo.

[WomenWubber]

I find kids to be annoying, very annoying for the most part.

 

They are also (up to a certain age) party poopers and crotch nazis, and they get away with it coz they're kids. Please keep kids your kids away from me. :sick:

[Exformer]

There are a lot expectations clashing early on before you get to know the person you're dating. I would only date a single mother if she was a good mother to her child, but the priority and obligations that come with being a good mother can get in the way of building a relationship with me. knowing that, I would avoid getting involved for both my and the mother's sake.

 

Before I figured this out, I'd dated two single mothers, one for a few months, and another for a few weeks before seeing the same red flags from the first go around. Both were younger, mid-late 20s, so their children were young too. If the kids were older, or if they had years more time as single parents before we started, maybe my opinion would be different.

 

There were major scheduling issues due to split custody and work loads and other child related obligations. There were parenting decisions, which I have no right to have a say in, but conflict with my own beliefs enough that it affected me. There was an ex trying to mark his territory in one situation too, and of course he'd never be out of the picture because he's the child's father. This is all without even touching on the normal dating stuff that comes up and can rock a relationship.

 

Both single mothers I dated had to deal with the balance, because that was their situation. I tried shuffling it a bit because I liked them, but the negative outweighed the positive before either relationship could grow into something worth making the effort. I was in the getting to know them stage and then the getting to know what we'd be like as a couple stage. I could date girls without children that could prioritize the relationship more with just as much likelihood of getting along with the girl without the extra.

 

The girl I dated for months, her girl was great. I liked the couple times I got to spend time with her. It wasn't the child that was the issue, but the obligations that came with her. I think, if I had similar situations as those girls, maybe one of them could have worked out, as I would also have those priorities to balance taking up my time. But I don't so it didn't.

Edited March 13, 2018 by Exformer

[littleblackheart]

I find kids to be annoying, very annoying for the most part.

 

They are also (up to a certain age) party poopers and crotch nazis, and they get away with it coz they're kids. Please keep kids your kids away from me. :sick:

 

Yes, thank you! Straight up the best reason ever ! Yes, there are parents with loose boundaries and you shouldn't date them. You can be a good parent and prioritise your partner with a bit of flexibility so really, the biggest barrier to being with someone with kids are...the kids. Who'd have thought it?!

 

Is there an update on your friend's situation, CO?

[hotpotato]

Fair enough, thank you for the reply. I really get it, it's not for everyone and it's fine. I think it's ok not to want to deal with kids and all that comes with it. That said, child-free kids come with their own sets of issues too( also crazy exes, health issues, animals, family stuff, too much 'set in their ways' attitude) so that's not exclusive to the kids / no kids thing.

 

My sis is child-free and the only kids she likes are mine so I get it. I have more respect for someone who simply says they don't like kids (because it's their right) than anything else though, because most eveything else is a case-by-case basis, imo.

 

Yes, people have exes, but when there are children, the ex has to be around. People have issues, but add kids to the mix , and issues multiply. There are parents who are set in their ways. Btdt for sure. There's no way to know what the situation is until you're in it.

 

It is a case by case basis, but there must be a reason so many people don't want to date people with kids. I think some people really try to date someone with kids, but they just can't.

 

Tbh in the past I would have said men who didn't want to date women with kids were just overreacting. Then I got a taste of it, and it wasn't good. They may make a lot of sacrifices for a child who isn't theirs. Nowadays, it's not just small children. It may be an adult child who is still living in the house.

 

For me one of the biggest issues was lack of appreciation. Even in this thread, their are allusions to peoplke being selfish...Well, if course, if you date someone without kids they will want one on one time. It wasn't easy when I was made to be selfish bc I wanted to go on dates without the 'child.' I received not one thank you for trying to be a good sport. Instead I was accused of being selfish and jealous.

 

Having that experience with an adult child, I'd be extremely wary of dealing with a man with children who are small or who live at home.

[littleblackheart]

@hotpotato, it comes down to this, imo:

 

If someone with kids has made you feel bad or unappreciated, is putting pressure on you to-coparent against your will, is making you feel excluded or like you are second fiddle, if they take you for granted and make no effort for you, if they have ex issues - it's the person, not the kids. A caring person wouldn't do that, kids or no kids. These bad situations are not transferable, imo - that's why those child-free people who are ok with kids can be successful step-parents. It happens all the time (seemingly not on LS, but in real life, yes) and it works with the right person.

 

If you really like the person but dislike everything to do with kids : it's the kids. In which case, don't get involved with them. It doesn't make you selfish, cold-hearted or ungenerous.

Edited March 13, 2018 by littleblackheart

[JuneL]

None of my business....My guess is no...

 

Would you have sex with someone you fell out of love with or drifted apart from??

 

 

TFY

 

I assume some guys would. Actually my friend’s boss and his wife had this agreement to get a divorce once their son turned 18. The boss had low-profile girlfriends on the side in the meanwhile, and the son ended up feeling resentful (feeling being lied to).