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What are the biggest reasons you don't want to be with a partner who has kids?

CautiouslyOptimistic

By CautiouslyOptimistic
in General Relationship Discussion

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healing light Established Member

healing light

Posted
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I think part of it depends on how much of a priority the children are. My stepfather always made his adult children a priority over my mother. Always. So their plans were dictated by whatever his partying son wanted to do. I would imagine that it would be even more of an issue with young children--there's no end in sight to raising them, you might be in the awkward position of not knowing how much authority you are allowed to have when it comes to them since you're not the "real" parent, and this would be an issue, too, if parenting styles didn't match up and the kids are misbehaving or disrespectful.

 

Then there's the financial aspect and the emotional aspects involving the ever-present ex that will never go away for life.

 

If someone went to such lengths to remain childless, it's likely that they really don't like kids. Thought they may be able to do it because they loved the partner, but realized they just can't.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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Didn't read all the replies....

 

My philosophy is pick someone that's walked in the same shoes you have...While nothing is guaranteed, it just works best that way...

 

 

TFY

 

Absolutely this works best. I have always been more insctively drawn to men my age that don’t have children and have never been married. We can even talk for hours how it feels when everyone thinks there must be something wrong with you if you haven’t done what majority of people are doing (marriage/children) thing. If they are career obsessed loners as well :love:

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bene Established Member

bene

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Small children usually are not subtle and they cheerfully occupy the whole attention of people. I think dating requires intimacy and alone time for the bond between two people to develop. It’s hard to imagine that in the presence of small children who need constant attention. Also, many people who don’t have kids don’t really know how to interact with them. With your own kids you learn along the way, with other people’s kids you are just thrown into the situation.

 

I believe it’s easier and more natural for two parents to date.

 

I don’t really believe that it is possible to not take a parent’s role with young kids. People often say “they already have a dad/mom” but I don’t see how you could just ignore the parenting in a serious relationship where you live with your partners kids. It would be quite odd dynamic just to ignore the tiny people in your house. Situations arise every day where you need to react somehow, you can’t just wait until it’s the real mom/dad’s time in two weeks. It is a big responsibility to get involved in children’s lives and it should not be taken lightly. I think it’s only fair if people acknowledge that they are not up for it.

 

And of course it’s different for people with grown up kids who don’t live home anymore.

Edited by bene
Typos
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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

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I think it’s only fair if people acknowledge that they are not up for it..

 

That' very true, and that's totally fine. No one should have to be in a position they are not fully on board with.

Edited by littleblackheart
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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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........And now we know why most people wait for kids to be grown/mature before officially ending marriages....Or in many cases if the kids are little and it's ended they don't bother dating...This stuff can be just too hard and potentially messy to make all work for both parties...and the kids....

 

 

TFY

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted (edited)
........And now we know why most people wait for kids to be grown/mature before officially ending marriages....Or in many cases if the kids are little and it's ended they don't bother dating...This stuff can be just too hard and potentially messy to make all work for both parties...and the kids....

 

 

TFY

 

Looking at the social make-up where I live (affluent, middle-class), very very few people have actually waited for their kids to grow up to get into another relationship. It's mostly blended families or men with kids from previous marriage that do not have custody of their kids, but there are also widowers with small children and like I mentioned, a handful of mothers with child-free men.

 

It feels really weird that the autist on this thread has to point it out, but you don't have to have lived in someone's shoes to understand where they're coming from; if you are empathetic, it happens naturally.

 

So many things can be overcome with less prejudice and judgement, especially if you think the person is worthwhile. When you hit mid-40s, even when you have kids, you have a career, a pet, elder parents and so many other things you have to be responsible for anyway.

 

Child-free people with an open-mind and who enjoy being with kids that aren't theirs exist (I know there are some - maybe not on LS, but definitely in real life) and there's nothing wrong or missing with them just as much as there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be around kids.

 

ETA: great thread CO. Hope it works out for your friend, one way or the other.

Edited by littleblackheart
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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As I said above, I prefer men with older kids, but I imagine there are a few older men out there who wanted kids, but it just never happened for them. Could be a case of being in a prior marriage/LTR where there was infertility involved or whatnot. I would date these guys too as I don't mind the ones who are involuntarily childless, rather than the voluntary ones. Unfortunately, these things aren't easy to find out until you get to know someone a little bit.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
........And now we know why most people wait for kids to be grown/mature before officially ending marriages....Or in many cases if the kids are little and it's ended they don't bother dating...This stuff can be just too hard and potentially messy to make all work for both parties...and the kids....

 

 

TFY

 

Since the divorce rate is roughly 50%, that's still a lot of couples with children divorcing. If what you say is somewhat true though, I wonder how high the divorce rate would really be if there were no children involved? :eek:

 

Hmmmmm.......somehow I doubt it would change though.

There's a real fear there typically...

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burnt Established Member

burnt

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Age is irrelevant.

Two people, one with children and one without is very incompatible irrespective of how old the children are. If the children are young then it's doubly hard and you can see the mismatch right away.

 

I am 37 female with no children and never wish to have any.

I have been with only one person with children and no way in hell would I do that again.

 

This man had all adult kids, except one 18 year old still living at home; almost adult but still it was as if everything revolved around the "kid". I was with him for only about two months or so, but still it was obvious even down the line it would always be about the kids. The conversations revolved around kids, where I could neither relate to him nor contribute to the talks. The entire world of parenthood is a language I don't speak.

 

And here's my comment about those in this thread who mentioned about dating ones with "adult" kids. I wouldn't go for that either. Ten years or even five years down the road, he'd be spending time with the newly born "grand-kids" and it'll be about joys of having children of the children then.

 

And 15-20 years down the line, then it'll be about him having children/grand-children to visit him and his family gatherings and me feeling I have no one to look after me the same way, and wondering why I have spent this many years making him my priority when he has had that many children and grand-children flooding his social emotional needs.

 

The point is when you are childless, you tend to put a tremendous amount of your time, attention, and affection towards your partner. The moment you have children, it shifts to all about the children.

 

Two people both having children have a much better chance of making it together because they can have balance in how they treat each other; if they both make their own kids their priorities, then neither can complain about one investing more than the other into the relationship.

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Yomachi Member

Yomachi

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But who wants half of someone? That's not the object of getting into a relationship--to then be relegated to 3rd, 4th, 5th or 6th in line, but expected to perform and put out as if you're 1st on the list. That's a totally unrealistic expectation to have--and expectations, especially unrealistic ones, are future resentments under construction.

 

Your friend should stick to rearing her "blessings" and forget about dating until the "blessings" are grown and out living their lives and have other priorities in their lives, which does happen.

 

I disagree that she has to forget about dating. There are plenty of men who're fine with dating single moms.

 

I'm not, because the disadvantages of children are very real and the upside of the "blessings" is not worth it (to me), but they are out there. For example single dads.

 

But yeah, if a guy says he doesn't like children, I recommend against dating him as a single mom.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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The point is when you are childless, you tend to put a tremendous amount of your time, attention, and affection towards your partner. The moment you have children, it shifts to all about the children.

 

Two people both having children have a much better chance of making it together because they can have balance in how they treat each other; if they both make their own kids their priorities, then neither can complain about one investing more than the other into the relationship.

 

This is so well said and exactly how I feel about it.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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If someone went to such lengths to remain childless, it's likely that they really don't like kids. Thought they may be able to do it because they loved the partner, but realized they just can't.

 

Yeah, I think that's exactly what's going on here.

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Realitysux Established Member

Realitysux

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I don't want to date someone with children for a very different reason. I had a lot of challenges in my life as a single parent and my children remain a priority. I am at an age now where my kids are getting older, more independant, and I'd like to focus on a career and do some personal work on myself as an individual. I also think about when they are older and how I'll hopefully be a grandparent one day and maybe this is selfish, but I'd like to give my grandkids what my parents never did. I don't think I'd make a good step parent. I'd favor and prioritize my kids. I don't need more attention then his kids but I don't want to be expected to give to his kids what I intend to give to my own.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
Looking at the social make-up where I live (affluent, middle-class), very very few people have actually waited for their kids to grow up to get into another relationship. It's mostly blended families or men with kids from previous marriage that do not have custody of their kids, but there are also widowers with small children and like I mentioned, a handful of mothers with child-free men.

 

I know you aren't from the US and I have no doubt what you are saying is true, but as someone from an affluent area here in the US, it's not the case here...People seem to want to wait, and wont subject little kids to the whole Brady Bunch type of thing...Even several members of my own family did it this way...

 

I dunno...Maybe because I am a protective father of a daughter, but the whole thought of strange men/boys around my kid(esp when she was younger) makes my skin crawl....

 

TFY

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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I dunno...Maybe because I am a protective father of a daughter, but the whole thought of strange men/boys around my kid(esp when she was younger) makes my skin crawl....

 

TFY

 

I have kids myself. I once dated a man who had so much love for his daughter (he even brought her on our first date) that there was no room for another woman. I'm not interested in that either. I've seen mothers do this with their sons too. I avoid it like the plague.

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viatori patuit Established Member

viatori patuit

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I am 47 and recently married a woman with two small kids. Prior to that I dated exactly one woman with a child. I never met said child as I never wanted kids.

 

After divorcing at 45 I decided that there simply was no way I could avoid kids. When I started dating again every woman I went out with us kids save one. It was just inevitable I would have to confront this.

 

So I did, and here is why I learned:

 

1. I actually don’t mind kids. I thought I loathed them, but they really are quite pleasant. The two kids I am involved with are little (3 and 7) so I did not get a lot of attitude though.

 

2. The kids are ALWAYS number one. At first I thought this would be an issue. It is actually a bit of a blessing. I fee a lot less pushy stating why I want from our relationship to be happy. I find that I get the things I desire more frequently because I am tolerant of being number two.

 

3. Ancillary to that is the only way I could find to make this work long term. We have to have another child together. The issue with her kids is that they are not mine. When dad visits I have zero rights and am relegated to having no say in why happens. Want me to put up with your kids and that nonsense? Have another kid. I tend to think the idea that a guy will step in and be dad is a pipe dream unless he has his own kids. No woman is worth the headaches associated with that situation.

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted
I know you aren't from the US and I have no doubt what you are saying is true, but as someone from an affluent area here in the US, it's not the case here...People seem to want to wait, and wont subject little kids to the whole Brady Bunch type of thing

 

By waiting, do you mean they stay single or stay in dysfunctional relationships? Not judging either way, just trying to get a better picture.

 

Tbh, people tend to mellow their absolutes when they meet the right person. I have kids but if in a parallel universe I met a child-free man whose character is fully compatible to mine and he doesn't consider beeing around kids that aren't his a chore or a sacrifice or a killjoy, it'd be fine.

 

It's possible to have different circumstances and be compatible, I think, if you're adaptable and like the person enough - again, not necessarily the case on LS but it happens often in real life, successfully.

 

Of course it's ok too to think you have to have experienced the exact same things to be able to get someone - that's another factor in compatibility.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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I'm glad you made this thread, CO, because ironically, I have become quite interested in learning about childless people. I have several childless friends who are dear to me and although they have shared things with me, I am learning that their feelings are so much deeper and complex than I ever thought.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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By waiting, do you mean they stay single or stay in dysfunctional relationships? Not judging either way, just trying to get a better picture.

 

.

 

They co habitate/co parent, make peace with the fact that it's run it's course, make the best of the situation and put the kids before their own needs/wants...

 

TFY

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
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They co habitate/co parent, make peace with the fact that it's run it's course, make the best of the situation and put the kids before their own needs/wants...

 

TFY

 

Now you have me wondering if any of my friends are doing this. I have very few divorced friends and lots and lots of married/with kids friends and most are just starting emptying the nest.....I suppose the next ten years will tell.

thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
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Now you have me wondering if any of my friends are doing this. I have very few divorced friends and lots and lots of married/with kids friends and most are just starting emptying the nest.....I suppose the next ten years will tell.

 

A pretty close friend of mine disappeared for a few months...Then he shows up at my place of business and tells me that he and his wife have called it quits...They have 2 kids....It was exactly a month after the youngest went to college..

 

On the outside, you would have thought they were pretty close...He says they have been "planning" this for some time, but kept it under wraps for the sake of the kids..

 

Younger kids, by nature, are selfish...They only want whats best for them and they really aren't concerned if their parents aren't on the same page..as long as their needs are getting met, they are happy...As they mature, they grow to understand the intricacies of it, but when they are little, its very confusing and also potentially damaging..IMO

 

TFY

littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
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They co habitate/co parent, make peace with the fact that it's run it's course, make the best of the situation and put the kids before their own needs/wants...

 

TFY

 

Thanks for the reply. So you have whole neighbourhoods of unfulfilled couples in your suburbs? Does such abnegation not translate to a high level of infidelity or at the very least, resentment? This sounds like a lot of pressure to put on children than to make them the only glue to an otherwise unhappy marriage, but if it's an acceptable cultural custom and people prefer to stay married for the good of the family, that's a respectable choice too.

 

One of my friends is a psych and he keeps saying that the biggest gift you can give your children as a parent is to be happy yourself - I think that's a great ideal to aspire to.

 

Unrelated but I have a few child-free people in my life (some by choice, some not) and I respect the fact that having children in their lives would mean a complete lifestyle overhaul they are not prepared to do. That's totally fair enough and almost to be expected after a certain time spent 'set in their ways'.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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A pretty close friend of mine disappeared for a few months...Then he shows up at my place of business and tells me that he and his wife have called it quits...They have 2 kids....It was exactly a month after the youngest went to college..

 

On the outside, you would have thought they were pretty close...He says they have been "planning" this for some time, but kept it under wraps for the sake of the kids..

 

Younger kids, by nature, are selfish...They only want whats best for them and they really aren't concerned if their parents aren't on the same page..as long as their needs are getting met, they are happy...As they mature, they grow to understand the intricacies of it, but when they are little, its very confusing and also potentially damaging..IMO

 

TFY

 

I believe my own father did this, but failed to get the buy-in from my mother.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
Thanks for the reply. So you have whole neighbourhoods of unfulfilled couples in your suburbs? Does such abnegation not translate to a high level of infidelity or at the very least, resentment? This sounds like a lot of pressure to put on children than to make them the only glue to an otherwise unhappy marriage, but if it's an acceptable cultural custom and people prefer to stay married for the good of the family, that's a respectable choice too.

 

One of my friends is a psych and he keeps saying that the biggest gift you can give your children as a parent is to be happy yourself - I think that's a great ideal to aspire to.

 

'.

 

No matter what the conditions, a divorce of a long standing marriage will result in some turmoil and unrest..To what degree just depends...In some cases it's enormous..

 

No disrespect to anyone, but most kids would probably prefer to be with bio parents that have thrown in the towel, but don't really fight, but home intact, then to be subjected to a parade of strangers in the quest for something that may or may not ever materialize...

 

Understand. these instances I have referred to are more the type of breakups/divorces that were borne out of the "drifted apart" or "fell out of love" category...Certainly where there is massive fighting or physical/emotional abuse, then there is no other choice really...

 

.02

 

TFY

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted
No matter what the conditions, a divorce of a long standing marriage will result in some turmoil and unrest..To what degree just depends...In some cases it's enormous..

 

No disrespect to anyone, but most kids would probably prefer to be with bio parents that have thrown in the towel, but don't really fight, but home intact, then to be subjected to a parade of strangers in the quest for something that may or may not ever materialize...

 

Understand. these instances I have referred to are more the type of breakups/divorces that were borne out of the "drifted apart" or "fell out of love" category...Certainly where there is massive fighting or physical/emotional abuse, then there is no other choice really...

 

.02

 

TFY

 

I don't really have an opinion on this as it's a very personal matter, and I have no doubt that most parents in general strive to do their best in their kids' interests according to their own personal circumstances. It's a tricky balancing act. I was in a severly dysfunctional marriage, wgich is also the only LTR I've had so that's the only case I know for sure, but I don't really judge others for what they do.

 

Same for child-free people; it's the right thing for them and that's fine.

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