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i actually dont love her,i want to break up with her and to let her find her a hubend

AskIt

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AskIt Member

AskIt

Posted
Posted

i am 23, she is 27. 3 month together. we both know it is a complicated combination, and even more when my salary for the next 3 years is a rent-worth and this is it. a granted, real, nicer salary (X4 in fact) i will have just in 3 years (she will be 30). i am in a long program in the army....

we have been start dating and it was great, but in fact, i know now more than ever- she is not my girl. i am not gonna marry her not now as she would wish if i was 27 like her, and not even in 3 years as she probably plans (i will be 26, and with a nice salary). she sees a pink dream and plans for the long run, willing to wait 3 years until i will get older and be able to marry and to start having a family. that's because she really likes me. she wants me, she sees her future and thinks "he is worth to wait".

 

i am not gonna marry her. not now and not in the future. she is cute and all, but not my type. the more the relationship goes on, the worse i feel about it with myself. i feel like i am deceving her. lying to her. i feel horrible. i want to send her free to find a man that can be her husband. it is not like she is 19 and has all the time in the world... the clock is ticking you know....

 

the problem is that we are having a good time. we dont fight, nothing... then how can i break up with her in the middle of a complete peace? what will i tell her? she will be shoked, and so offended and sad! i cant do it!

what should i do? what should i tell her?!

i think i prefer a lie than telling her the painful truth, because telling her the truth will mean than all the smiles and good time and nice things i have said to her 3 month were a lie, and that is the worst.

 

please- how can i be the best with her?! she doesn't deserve to experience an offensive break up!

Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted

People break up all the time. Just tell her that while you've enjoyed getting to know her and she is a great girl, something is missing for you.

 

Do it ASAP the longer you put it off the harder it will be for both of you.

 

After that she isn't your responsibility. It's on her to set her own relationship goals not you. She can decide whether and how to "find someone to be her husband".

  • Like 4
bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
Posted

Peacetime is actually a good time to break up. Just sit down with her and be honest. It’s so hard to do but it’s like anything else you want to accomplish - it’s a hurdle that must be jumped.

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Tell her you don't want to see her anymore, not in love with her, don't want to waste her time, she needs to find someone who wants to marry her and you are not that guy.

  • Like 3
Sundra1 Member

Sundra1

Posted
Posted

You should take a long hard look at yourself and think about how and why you got yourself into this situation. This kind of thing should never be this complicated. What is your "type" and why is she not like that. Attachment style comes from your parents, so you should look within yourself to figure out the following:

 

A) Why this is so difficult for you

B) Why she is not for you

 

I am in agreement with these other people. You should break up with her, unless you want to stay together and figure out what exactly it is that is bugging you. It sounds like that is not what you want to do, so get it together and figure it out. Honesty is always the best policy, even if the other person does not like it, they will respect it.

Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted
You should take a long hard look at yourself and think about how and why you got yourself into this situation. This kind of thing should never be this complicated. What is your "type" and why is she not like that. Attachment style comes from your parents, so you should look within yourself to figure out the following:

 

A) Why this is so difficult for you

B) Why she is not for you

 

I am in agreement with these other people. You should break up with her, unless you want to stay together and figure out what exactly it is that is bugging you. It sounds like that is not what you want to do, so get it together and figure it out. Honesty is always the best policy, even if the other person does not like it, they will respect it.

 

Huh? :confused:

 

People break up with each other due to 'not feeling it' after 3 months all the time (how long the OP said they were dating). Yep break-ups are hard. That OP wants to break up after a few months due to something missing for him doesn't make him 'wrong' as you seem to be implying.

  • Like 5
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted

It's only been three months... Just tell her that you have enjoyed getting to know her but you have decided it's not going to work. She will get over it. She would much rather know that you are not feeling it at 3 months, than 3 years...

  • Like 3
Flame Aura Established Member

Flame Aura

Posted
Posted

It's only been 3 months. Yea she will be sad but she won't be sooo heartbroken.

 

Just tell her that after being together these 3 months you have realised that you are not meant to be together long term, and you would rather end it now than later.

  • Like 2
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

You have to ask yourself: can you tolerate living a lie just to keep her happy?

 

You're at the point where weak foundation relationships fail. She's not who you need in order to be happy--that's just the plain truth. She can't make you love her.

 

I think you're going to have to have a frank talk with her in person--don't do this over the phone or by text--and let her know that you thought that by now your feelings would change, but they haven't. You know that you two are not well suited for long term relationships and it's best to end things now so she can heal and be about the business of finding someone more suited to her.

 

Not all relationships are supposed to work out... and the answer isn't you being miserable for the rest of your life with someone you knew today wasn't right for you.

 

It'll hurt but it will be over far more quickly than living a lie in her face for the next 15 years and you've made babies with her and the rest of what goes along with life.

 

Do it sooner than later.

 

And for all that is holy and good, make sure you're double wrapping the jimmy.

  • Like 2
Highndry Established Member

Highndry

Posted
Posted

A favorite old song always comes to mind in these situations, so make damn sure you know what you're doing:

 

Good love is hard to find

Good love is hard to find

You got lucky babe

Yeah, you got lucky babe

When I found you

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted
You have to ask yourself: can you tolerate living a lie just to keep her happy?

 

You're at the point where weak foundation relationships fail. She's not who you need in order to be happy--that's just the plain truth. She can't make you love her.

 

I think you're going to have to have a frank talk with her in person--don't do this over the phone or by text--and let her know that you thought that by now your feelings would change, but they haven't. You know that you two are not well suited for long term relationships and it's best to end things now so she can heal and be about the business of finding someone more suited to her.

 

Not all relationships are supposed to work out... and the answer isn't you being miserable for the rest of your life with someone you knew today wasn't right for you.

 

It'll hurt but it will be over far more quickly than living a lie in her face for the next 15 years and you've made babies with her and the rest of what goes along with life.

 

Do it sooner than later.

 

And for all that is holy and good, make sure you're double wrapping the jimmy.

 

All good advice but I'll add this:

 

If you can't find someone better in a few months and you are feeling lonely, don't call this girl and break her heart again. Remember what you feel now as it won't change but loneliness can make you forget.

  • Like 3
Millie the Cat Member

Millie the Cat

Posted
Posted

Is it really that you don't want to hurt her or you don't want to give up the sex?

  • Like 3
winny Established Member

winny

Posted
Posted
Is it really that you don't want to hurt her or you don't want to give up the sex?

 

Bingo!

 

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

  • Like 1
winny Established Member

winny

Posted
Posted

she deserves better. get out of her life asap.

  • Like 1
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AskIt Member

AskIt

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you all guys! You really helped me. Its not that i simply dont love her at all. I do, she is really cute and wild, and i enjoy my time with her very much. The thing is that nonetheless, i dont see a long time relationship with her, i can see already from now that we will break up when the butterflies will be gone. What should i say to her? She will answer me "All the time we had was great, you enjoyed it and you even admit you did. And you say you do love me in one way or an other. Then why are you breaking up with me? Let the time increase our connection"

I think my mistake was from the begining, when i started dating a 27 years old woman when i am only 23 and a soldier. It cant work any way in the long run. And for her- i think i should let her go already from now.

Sundra1 Member

Sundra1

Posted
Posted
Huh? :confused:

 

People break up with each other due to 'not feeling it' after 3 months all the time (how long the OP said they were dating). Yep break-ups are hard. That OP wants to break up after a few months due to something missing for him doesn't make him 'wrong' as you seem to be implying.

 

 

I agree, but it would be a lost opportunity to not reflect on your reasoning. "Not feeling it" is usually tied to something or things specific.

Millie the Cat Member

Millie the Cat

Posted
Posted
I agree, but it would be a lost opportunity to not reflect on your reasoning. "Not feeling it" is usually tied to something or things specific.

 

He said he didn't "love" her right in the subject title and later goes on to state he doesn't want a future with her, while she is seeing that with him, big time.

 

It would be kind of him to explain this to her and end the relationship so she can find a man who has the potential to be in it for the long haul.

 

If they don't break up, then he should make it clear that it is not a serious relationship which will lead to marriage down the road, but more of a casual dating situation. Then it is fair to her as she can leave him or keep dating him knowing that it is not serious.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

He said he doesn't love her and never will. I definitely think you should break up with her and now, not later. What should you say? Tell her that she didn't do anything wrong and you had fun and you're sorry for leading her on but don't think that you're a good long-term match for each other.

 

She's probably going to hold on and argue and keep asking you questions and contacting you, but after you tell her this, I suggest that you don't speak to her anymore. Being dumped is never easy, it's painful and there is no amount of explaining that will make them understand. They want to be with you so you have no choice but to cut the cord.

 

What that means is, you can NOT be friends.

  • Like 2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
Thank you all guys! You really helped me. Its not that i simply dont love her at all. I do, she is really cute and wild, and i enjoy my time with her very much. The thing is that nonetheless, i dont see a long time relationship with her, i can see already from now that we will break up when the butterflies will be gone. What should i say to her? She will answer me "All the time we had was great, you enjoyed it and you even admit you did. And you say you do love me in one way or an other. Then why are you breaking up with me? Let the time increase our connection"

I think my mistake was from the begining, when i started dating a 27 years old woman when i am only 23 and a soldier. It cant work any way in the long run. And for her- i think i should let her go already from now.

 

Break ups are not meant to be easy so put on your big boy pants and face her and tell the truth. It may hurt you both but that is only temporary then you both can move on. Go NC afterwards so you don't send mixed messages. This is all part of becoming an adult.

  • Like 2
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
I agree, but it would be a lost opportunity to not reflect on your reasoning. "Not feeling it" is usually tied to something or things specific.

 

I agree with you, it's good to reflect and know yourself and exactly what you want so you don't make the same mistakes again and again. Too many people don't do this!

  • Like 1
Sundra1 Member

Sundra1

Posted
Posted
He said he didn't "love" her right in the subject title and later goes on to state he doesn't want a future with her, while she is seeing that with him, big time.

 

It would be kind of him to explain this to her and end the relationship so she can find a man who has the potential to be in it for the long haul.

 

If they don't break up, then he should make it clear that it is not a serious relationship which will lead to marriage down the road, but more of a casual dating situation. Then it is fair to her as she can leave him or keep dating him knowing that it is not serious.

 

One should try to define what that means and why, at least to themselves. This is how you avoid making the same mistakes again and again. I only say this because I have been in a similar situation to him before.

Millie the Cat Member

Millie the Cat

Posted
Posted

Sundra, there's not anything else to say. He is not in love with her and doesn't see a future with her. That's pretty clear. If I'm not in love with someone, I can't explain it any clearer than that.

 

I think people who are broken up with want all this closure, and expect to be given exact answers, but sometimes those can't be provided. He's not feeling "it" he said. That's pretty clear. he doesn't see a future of marriage with her - because he doesn't feel "it" with her.

  • Like 1
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AskIt Member

AskIt

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks a lot! Im gonna break up hith her and tell her the truth about what i feel and hope that she will understand. Hope she will not be too ofended :( and that i will get over her and move on asap. Im sad :(((

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

It's only three months. She will be shocked because you get along okay. Just tell her that as nice as she is, for reasons no fault of her own, you just started realizing this is not long-term for you and it would be more painful to break up later, so it's time.

Prue Member

Prue

Posted
Posted

What’s the big deal!? It’s only 3 months, not 3 years! I’ve had hotdogs in my fridge longer than that. Not the end of the world and I am with you, she’ll probably do better with someone closer to her age who is more financially capable as well.

 

She may be upset at first cause she’s just used to you, but eventually I think she’ll be happier.

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