I'm thinking about cancelling my date

[Maggie4]

Right, so I still think you are not a match. Either she's not classy according to you or she didn't think you were amazing. I don't know which you think is worse. But neither is positive. Without a positive attitude and tolerance, you'd keep going through new people for years like many online daters.

I also think you jumped to conclusions about her being busy on Fri and Sat. You assumed it was dating. Many people have full weekends, professionals often have work related obligations on weekends, there may be children (not necessarily their own), music concerts, out of town guests, relatives, married friends, sports, etc. Dating should be only a small fraction of the social activities for a professional woman in her 40's with a life.

[Flame Aura]

Agree with the others, OP you are way overthinking the whole thing.

 

You have only been on 1 date. Yea she is probably still using Tinder and seeing who else she matches with. Why wouldn't she? She seems confident and happy with herself. Why would she limit herself so soon?

 

Go on the date, and shower her what an amazing man you are. Make her want you and only you. Then she will soon forget about meeting others.

[d0nnivain]

The reason for feeling as I do is that I have dated a few women in the past that I started having feelings for. I remember 2 instances where we had 4 or 5 dates and I saw they were STILL active daily on the online dating site where we met. That was really hurtful and I could only assume they were still actively looking and dating after 4 or 5 dates because they were not that into me.

 

So, I'm just trying to avoid wasting my time. If she is just not that into me and is looking for something better, I don't want to waste my time. But the consensus of the advice here seems to be it's too early to tell. Try a few more dates and see how things turn out. I will. .

 

 

Exactly.

 

 

This is date 2, arguably date 1 because the coffee was just a meeting. You can't expect her to drop all other prospects at this early stage.

 

 

You will be better served guarding your heart a bit more. Perhaps at date 4-5 you can start talking about getting off the sites but earlier is problematic. Remind yourself that you are still getting to know each other & she hasn't proven herself worthy to give away your heart yet.

 

 

Getting to know someone is not a waste of time.

 

 

Expecting somebody to act like a LTR partner at the initial stages of dating is unrealistic & guaranteed to cause heartache. Slow your own emotions down. Before date 10 the farthest forward you should look is the next date. Here, today, at most you can wonder if you will enjoy corned beef & cabbage together next weekend.

[introverted1]

OP, we can't know what she's thinking, but what we can observe from her actions is that she is prioritising a second date with you. It's clear that she has other activities that could occupy her weekend (unless you believe her busyness is an act or anomaly) and she has CHOSEN to not only spend time with you, but to proactively reach out to you first to ensure she locked down a date.

 

Now, if you want to spin that as a negative because she has also updated her Tinder pictures, that's your choice. But given that you've had ONE date, I see her actions as quite positive. Does that mean you will go on to get married and live in a house with a white picket fence? No clue. But it does mean that she is primed for an enjoyable second date. Are you?

[Highndry]

"...We texted back and forth a bit more about favorite books movies etc. Then Tuesday there was no contact..."

 

Why no contact whatsoever on Tuesday? That's my issue with this whole thing. You have a good date, then some good follow up chatter, then nothing. You just leave her hanging for over 24 hours. You may think this is some sort of "strategy," but this isn't going to sit well with most women. It doesn't build interest in women who aren't interested in you, and it only sows seeds of doubt in the minds of the women who are.

[JimmyNYC]

Why no contact whatsoever on Tuesday? That's my issue with this whole thing. You have a good date, then some good follow up chatter, then nothing. You just leave her hanging for over 24 hours. You may think this is some sort of "strategy," but this isn't going to sit well with most women. It doesn't build interest in women who aren't interested in you, and it only sows seeds of doubt in the minds of the women who are.

 

Ummm because we had only one date. And it was really just the first meet and greet. Not even a "date". So if I start texting her EVERY DAY after that I'm going to look like a desperate lunatic. Contacting someone everyday is reserved for someone you are DATING.

[newyorker11356]

Ummm because we had only one date. And it was really just the first meet and greet. Not even a "date". So if I start texting her EVERY DAY after that I'm going to look like a desperate lunatic. Contacting someone everyday is reserved for someone you are DATING.

 

Only if the woman doesn’t really like you. If she does, then it doesn’t really matter.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ummm because we had only one date. And it was really just the first meet and greet. Not even a "date". So if I start texting her EVERY DAY after that I'm going to look like a desperate lunatic. Contacting someone everyday is reserved for someone you are DATING.

 

No, you won't. But, if you're expecting her to shut down her Tinder profile after one date you will!

 

You don't have to say anything deep and profound, but a woman won't get freaked out if you say hi and ask how her day is going. For crying out loud, we got a Nor'easter on Wednesday. You could have asked her on Tuesday if she's all stocked up with bread and milk! That's hardly being a lunatic.

[JuneL]

I must admit it’s quite exhausting reading this thread. You make yourself sound like a fragile person needing lots of assurance.

[Highndry]

Ummm because we had only one date. And it was really just the first meet and greet. Not even a "date". So if I start texting her EVERY DAY after that I'm going to look like a desperate lunatic. Contacting someone everyday is reserved for someone you are DATING.

 

This is where you're blowing it - your attitude and how you're viewing things. She reached out to you fairly quickly after the date. Did you automatically think she was a desperate lunatic? My guess is no. So why would you appear that way to her? There's quite a difference between blowing up somebody's phone vs sending a quick message that shows interest instead of 36 hours of radio silence - which signals LOW INTEREST.

[Highndry]

No, you won't. But, if you're expecting her to shut down her Tinder profile after one date you will!

 

You don't have to say anything deep and profound, but a woman won't get freaked out if you say hi and ask how her day is going. For crying out loud, we got a Nor'easter on Wednesday. You could have asked her on Tuesday if she's all stocked up with bread and milk! That's hardly being a lunatic.

 

+ a million . This thread has that whole "Corey Wayne" vibe to it - where the guy is trying to play cool and pretend he's not that interested or something.

 

I must admit it’s quite exhausting reading this thread. You make yourself sound like a fragile person needing lots of assurance.

 

Exactly. He's coming across as very insecure.

[salparadise]

The reason for feeling as I do is that I have dated a few women in the past that I started having feelings for. I remember 2 instances where we had 4 or 5 dates and I saw they were STILL active daily on the online dating site where we met. That was really hurtful and I could only assume they were still actively looking and dating after 4 or 5 dates because they were not that into me.

 

So, I'm just trying to avoid wasting my time. If she is just not that into me and is looking for something better, I don't want to waste my time. But the consensus of the advice here seems to be it's too early to tell. Try a few more dates and see how things turn out. I will.

 

I dated a psychiatrist once that did that very thing and I'll never forget how classy it was and how incredibly special it made me feel. [...] I called her and she said she saw me on OKC and wanted to tell me she is excited about getting to know me but if I am still keeping my options open and am going to be dating around please just contact her after I've tried my options.

 

 

I get it, definitely. One of my previous relationships started in a similar way (psychologist, btw). We met on OKC as well. After the first date I received a similar text expressing interest. Some days later I noticed that she had not logged in since the day of our first date. We continued and after the third date I noticed that she had taken her profile down. I mentioned it the next time I saw her and she just looked at me and smiled sweetly. Nothing else needed to be said. I took mine down too and it blossomed.

 

There is no doubt that that is the classiest way I've seen anyone handle it. It felt so congruent and reassuring. But this is probably too much to expect from everyone you meet online, although I wish it were not the case.

 

OP, I also think you should ignore what you saw and go on the date without mentioning it. One date is too soon to start having expectations. I understand how this would feel deflating, and the only conclusion you can draw is that she's still open to meeting other people. You have to be steady, go on a few more dates and don't get yourself too invested. You have to be able to roll with it and not feel devastated if it doesn't work out. People are playing the field, shopping for the best deal. That's the nature of it.

 

I will say though, that in all of the relationships I've had that began online (several), there was no multi-dating after the first meeting. I also know how you feel after having been burned; it does make one fragile. Good luck with the new prospect.

[JimmyNYC]

I get it, definitely. One of my previous relationships started in a similar way (psychologist, btw). We met on OKC as well. After the first date I received a similar text expressing interest. Some days later I noticed that she had not logged in since the day of our first date. We continued and after the third date I noticed that she had taken her profile down. I mentioned it the next time I saw her and she just looked at me and smiled sweetly. Nothing else needed to be said. I took mine down too and it blossomed.

 

There is no doubt that that is the classiest way I've seen anyone handle it. It felt so congruent and reassuring. But this is probably too much to expect from everyone you meet online, although I wish it were not the case.

 

OP, I also think you should ignore what you saw and go on the date without mentioning it. One date is too soon to start having expectations. I understand how this would feel deflating, and the only conclusion you can draw is that she's still open to meeting other people. You have to be steady, go on a few more dates and don't get yourself too invested. You have to be able to roll with it and not feel devastated if it doesn't work out. People are playing the field, shopping for the best deal. That's the nature of it.

 

I will say though, that in all of the relationships I've had that began online (several), there was no multi-dating after the first meeting. I also know how you feel after having been burned; it does make one fragile. Good luck with the new prospect.

 

HI Salparadise. Wow thank you for the really encouraging, respectful, and empathetic message. It was really helpful to me. I feel like many of the other people who replied to my posting are attacking me and are kinda mean and angry. Have no idea why. I just reached out to get people's opinions and get some support. No idea why most people replying are attacking me. jeez. Dating is brutal and it's nice to talk about it with you. Thanks again.

Edited March 9, 2018 by JimmyNYC

[JuneL]

HI Salparadise. Wow thank you for the really encouraging, respectful, and empathetic message. It was really helpful to me. I feel like many of the other people who replied to my posting are attacking me and are kinda mean and angry. Have no idea why. I just reached out to get people's opinions and get some support. No idea why most people replying are attacking me. jeez. Dating is brutal and it's nice to talk about it with you. Thanks again.

 

We’re trying to give you opinions based on what we see from her perspective. I understand someone like you would want your romantic interest to be attentive to your fragile self, to take the initiative in expressing her attraction to you, to focus exclusively on you from day 1, and not to be afraid of chasing you a bit (and if I may add, to split your dating expenses, and to be always eager to want sex with you). But, as there is always a but, such a romantic interest may be too good to be true. Things may get old fast. Before you know it, she may have gotten exhausted and already and be ready to bail.

[act00]

Your first mistake is setting up the date on a Saturday. This indirectly communicates to her that you really don’t have any other prospects or things to do. You lose postured position. Friday’s and Saturday dates are reserved for girlfriends. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s a stranger. She didn’t earn a weekend date. I’ll make dates from Sunday to Thursday. Stay away from Friday and Saturday ates until she asked you to be the girlfriend.

 

I would also stay away from texting unless I’m setting up dates. If she wants to text reply and tell her to save it for your next date. Be polite when you say this. A lot of things get lost in texting.

 

You’re not nuts. It’s okay to feel that way but do not communicate it to her. Don’t talk about any insecurities you have. Control what comes out of your mouth. This is self-control. Keep the date. Don’t cancel. When you show up put on a happy face. Keep it light, fun and positive. You’re allowed to give her one compliment about her looks. Simply tell her she looks nice. Then after the date, tell her you had a nice time. And oh, don’t allow your interest level to go in the 90’s.

 

I don't agree with you at all.

 

I will concede that this might work for someone who has a busy, social lifestyle and is seeking the same.

 

I've never seen anyone who is available on a weekend as boring or thought lesser of them in any way. I actually feel the opposite because they can take time for me for a date during a time there are few constraints.

 

I have never felt the need to vie for a man because he has "other prospects"...you can have him...I'm not going to compete.

 

In fact, I don't want someone who's that busy. I'm more of a homebody and don't like to have my downtime consumed with a ton of activities, and by extension, don't want a prospective mate who is always busy and requires it.

 

When it comes to dates, I see someone who's available for a Friday or Saturday night as someone who wants to invest some time and not have the constraints of work in the morning. I work really early and have to be in bed early, and I'm okay with a weeknight date, but the time will be limited and I will not have the ability to progress another hour or two if things go well. I prefer weekends because I can stay out late and not have to worry. It's generally just more relaxing and fun.

 

I had a brief dating experience that started with the "I'll let you know." We talked on a Wednesday...blind date situation, my coworker knows him and he had expressed to her if she knew any single ladies. So when we talked on the phone about meeting this weekend, and he said he'd "let me know tomorrow," I rolled my eyes and my opinion of him dropped a notch. How do you not know what you're doing two days from now, but not planning something means you're holding out for something better. Not a good impression. Had he not used the phrase, I still wouldn't be all giddy, thinking if his weekends are always this busy, it's not going to work. I knew he was interested in meeting someone serious through my friend, so to play this game or he's too busy falls right in the scenario I encounter too often...he's just not that into me, he only wants casual (when he's available), or he's playing games.

 

To each his own, but I never consider someone available on a weekend as someone who's "lesser." This might be more important for someone who's young and/or hot on the social scene, and being home on a Saturday is a blight on their popularity. The OP didn't make a mistake at all by planning a Saturday. He made the mistake of offering a date with no solid plans, then disappearing. Contacting her the next day with some ideas and times would be the perfect opener for more contact, and if he was really interested, he wouldn't have blown her off for a day and a half.

[Versacehottie]

and if he was really interested, he wouldn't have blown her off for a day and a half.

 

OP is too "afraid" to really enjoy his interest and express his interest. He's all stuck in his head.

 

Sorry, Sal gave you a great and yes supportive answer, for sure & it is a legitimate way at looking at some of the issues going on. It's also supportive to be honest and truthful to the not so great things you are doing so you can correct them, if you want to succeed, not just emotional support building you up when you will still go about things wrongly for the most part, which are a lot of the other posts.

 

I think it's too early for you to date. You are stuck on baggage from October. This girl sounds normal and perhaps very special and you are not even able to enjoy her. Just take it a day at a time. The rest is your anxiety driving the bus. Not good, just saying. Good luck

[winny]

Ummm because we had only one date. And it was really just the first meet and greet. Not even a "date". So if I start texting her EVERY DAY after that I'm going to look like a desperate lunatic. Contacting someone everyday is reserved for someone you are DATING.

 

Where do men get all these stupid ideas from??? Seriously???!!!!

 

I love when a guy texts me every day and if he is able to make a fun, witty, flirtatious conversation, that makes me laugh and feel the butterflies in my stomach, he only earns bonus points. You only seem like a desperate lunatic, if you are one! Normal people will not look desperate by sending texts, and you know why? Because their self assurance, confidence and warmth will shine thru.

 

And I find it very very weird that YOU on the other hand expect her to not keep other options when you had only a "meet and greet". Double standards?

[Yomachi]

I personally multidate up until date 3-ish with a woman, then stop going on dates with other women. Up until date 3 you're basically strangers IMHO, and I would recommend everyone to keep their options open.

 

I personally choose to make a choice after date 3 to monodate from my side because I personally feel that's enough information for me to make an informed choice.

 

I do think it's too early to ask for exclusivity, but I would be slightly disappointed to run into her going on a date with a different guy at this point.

 

Expecting exclusivity after a first date can work, but you'll spend quite a while finding someone being okay with that (if you're using online dating).

[introverted1]

Ummm because we had only one date. And it was really just the first meet and greet. Not even a "date". So if I start texting her EVERY DAY after that I'm going to look like a desperate lunatic. Contacting someone everyday is reserved for someone you are DATING.

 

I met a guy 3 weeks ago. We had two dates and then he went out of town for a week. He texted every single day. These weren't long, needy texts - just something about his day or a sight he's seen.

 

Did I think he was a desperate lunatic? No. I thought he was smart. He wanted to make sure he was still in the game. He came back yesterday and we saw each other last night. And now I'm unavailable for a week. He's already locked down plans for next weekend.

 

I don't perceive any of this as desperation on his part. Rather, I am aware that he is prioritising time with me, and I am reciprocating.

 

I'm not sure what playbook you are reading from but, for me -- an emotionally healthy adult woman -- trust is built through consistency and time together. I don't want to wonder or guess -- if I ever had those days, they are long gone now. There is something very refreshing about a man who knows what he likes and goes for it.

 

And that's completely different from desperate lunacy.

 

I truly do hope you enjoy your next date.

[Versacehottie]

Where do men get all these stupid ideas from??? Seriously???!!!!

 

I love when a guy texts me every day and if he is able to make a fun, witty, flirtatious conversation, that makes me laugh and feel the butterflies in my stomach, he only earns bonus points. You only seem like a desperate lunatic, if you are one! Normal people will not look desperate by sending texts, and you know why? Because their self assurance, confidence and warmth will shine thru.

 

And I find it very very weird that YOU on the other hand expect her to not keep other options when you had only a "meet and greet". Double standards?

 

Yeah, texting every day makes a guy a desperate lunatic--much more so than re-visiting her profile and pondering why she added new photos after one coffee date. Which one seems logical and normal (going after what he wants and enjoying it) and which one seems paranoid and insecure?

 

So no not desperate lunatic to text regularly. Interested and assured is what that conveys.

[losangelena]

And I find it very very weird that YOU on the other hand expect her to not keep other options when you had only a "meet and greet". Double standards?

 

This is the crux of it for me, and others have stated it already.

 

OP, just as the wind got taken out of your sails when you saw her updated tinder photos, I think some of your behaviors towards this woman could very well be driving her behaviors. The early days of dating require momentum, and in this day and age, that means keeping in touch via text. I know I would start to feel some doubt about a guy if more than a day went by without hearing from him. Maybe this woman is thinking of hedging her bets because she's not hearing from you as much as she'd like.

 

Just as taking a dating profile down could be considered "classy," so too is taking the effort to make the person your with feel secure. I think if you were very interested in this woman, and not just concerned about her interest in you, you would want to reach out to her every day.

[FMW]

OP, I think you're feeling attacked and that people are being mean because you are still very raw from your October breakup and you really may need a little more time before starting to date again. Maybe focus your time on going out with friends, and who knows, maybe you'll meet someone you click with and start dating that way.

 

From what you've written, including your additional information post, there's every reason to think that this woman thinks you're just not that into her. You want to protect yourself by making only minimal efforts at contact. She's protecting herself by not placing all her hopes on a possible relationship with you (when you've not given her reason to have high hopes with the low interest you are showing) and so she updated her pictures. That helps her know she's in control of her dating future and she doesn't have to wait around for you to decide when and if you'll contact her.

 

Most women like texts, it lets us know you're thinking about us and keeps us thinking about you! Even daily texts are fine, just keep them brief and she'll show you by her responses what her preferences are. Just follow what you feel, not what some set of "rules" someone else comes ups with. That's game playing and isn't going to attract a women, it's going to turn her off.

 

Keep the date, give her a shot and stop letting your fear control you. I understand it's hard, but if you're not willing to put yourself out there and risk disappointment (I think at this stage it's way too soon to feel hurt about this woman, any hurt you feel is probably leftover from your previous relationship) then you're going to be alone.

 

As another poster mentioned, being busy on Friday or Saturday nights doesn't mean she's dating. Most of my weekends are busy with friends. But I will clear a weekend night for a date with someone with whom I feel there is shared interest. Most adults are busy working during the week and are not going to be too interested in going out when they have to get up early for work the next day.

 

We all wish you the best, that's why we bother to post our thoughts.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is the crux of it for me, and others have stated it already.

 

OP, just as the wind got taken out of your sails when you saw her updated tinder photos, I think some of your behaviors towards this woman could very well be driving her behaviors. The early days of dating require momentum, and in this day and age, that means keeping in touch via text. I know I would start to feel some doubt about a guy if more than a day went by without hearing from him. Maybe this woman is thinking of hedging her bets because she's not hearing from you as much as she'd like.

 

Just as taking a dating profile down could be considered "classy," so too is taking the effort to make the person your with feel secure. I think if you were very interested in this woman, and not just concerned about her interest in you, you would want to reach out to her every day.

 

Agree. She could be saying to her friends (or posting on another forum), "I really liked him, but he isn't as communicative as I'd like and I noticed he's still checking Tinder, so maybe he doesn't like me....."

[salparadise]

It was really helpful to me. I feel like many of the other people who replied to my posting are attacking me and are kinda mean and angry. Have no idea why. I just reached out to get people's opinions and get some support. No idea why most people replying are attacking me. jeez. Dating is brutal and it's nice to talk about it with you.

 

I understand someone like you would want your romantic interest to be attentive to your fragile self, to take the initiative in expressing her attraction to you, to focus exclusively on you from day 1, and not to be afraid of chasing you a bit (and if I may add, to split your dating expenses, and to be always eager to want sex with you). But, as there is always a but, such a romantic interest may be too good to be true.

 

 

Jimmy, this is yet another nuance of the ongoing debate over traditional vs. progressive values and customs in the dating-mating game. Kudos to JuneL for recognizing how this topic intertwines with the "paying for dates" discussion (which has been debated ad nauseam).

 

I would venture a guess that those who used a testy tone with you for expecting a woman to communicate interest, and make it feel safe––meet you half way, so to speak––are the staunch traditionalists that object to splitting the check. There are a lot of traditionalists here; their arguments tend to be along the lines of but that's how it's always been, it's how I was raised or that's what makes me feel attracted. There is no actual right or wrong, just preferences.

 

Basically they're arguing against gender equality. They want to preserve certain traditional attitudes because it benefits them, and they like having the upper hand in the dating-mating dance. But if one believes in full gender equality in one direction (equal pay for equal work, no glass ceilings, etc.), how can one rationally argue the opposite only when the benefit slants the other way. So they tend to double down on the tradition, such as it's the man's role to do xyz, but without a coherent argument.

 

In this scenario, it's about who is taking all the risk. Traditional women don't like having to put themselves out there and risk rejection. That's the man's job. They prefer for the man to be pre-sold and pursue them properly. Ideally, they like to cultivate multiple options (suitors) and be the one who gets to decide. Often they base their decisions on who does the best job, most diligent and persistent, at the pursuit. In one recent thread the OP's prospective girlfriend actually said, "I am the prize to be won," meaning expectations that he should be pursuing and paying for all the dates and vacations despite the fact that she earned a six-figure income.

 

Progressive women embrace less defined gender roles, or throw them out completely. My former girlfriend (mentioned in the previous post) was that way. I still did most of the asking and planning early on, but she encouraged me with finesse in subtle, unmistakable ways. She always contributed her half financially and she wouldn't think of having me foot the bill alone for vacations. She insisted on splitting the first and second date restaurant checks, and after that we alternated. She's a feminist and smart enough to understand that you can't pick and choose depending on which way the benefit falls. We were both Ni dominant, which made for nearly automatic congruence.

 

I've lost all interest in traditional types. Lately I've been letting them split the check on first dates, as opposed to waving them off (like some say is the only gentlemanly way to handle it). I want a fully equal, fully reciprocal, partner. If a woman gets pissed because I took her up on an offer to split, I'm fine with never seeing her again. This doesn't mean that masculinity and femininity become ambiguous, it means that women are considered fully functional and respected as such. Relationships are about two equals loving each other and not about crazy expectations and gender roles. It took me awhile to become fully confident of my stance, but I am now despite the strenuous objections of traditionalists.

 

(I expect to catch heat over this post. I have tried to be respectful. If you disagree, please address the argument and be at least a little bit rational.)

[Popsicle]

You said you just had a heartbreak and are sensitive.

 

Do you think maybe it’s too soon to be dating? I’m leaning towards yes because I’d rather see you take the time to heal and be confident before dating, rather than filled with apprehension.