I feel like this is an addiction to him. What steps to take??? HELP......I am so hurt

[sanne]

i know exactly how you feel beth. it's no so much him that you are in love with at this point, your in love with your dream of how you want your life to be. right now he is the only man you can see in this dream of yours, which is why a part of you still wants to hold on. what you must understand is that he is not your dream guy. you need to shatter this image of him that you have in your head.

[bendit]

oh I am not annoying him and had he told me to stop calling I would. I guess addicted is not the word....I am not doing anything obsessive. It is normal behavior for him to ignore me. After 3.5 yrs of this, you would think I would have him figured out by now. He will not say for me to go -otherwie, he could not try and reel me in later. lol

 

Beth, have you read this book?...it talks about commitement issues...surprisingly it points out that women who are attracted to guys with commitment issues have those same issues...

 

regards

 

mike

[toneman]

Your situation is different. Your gf was obviously disturbed and totally disrespected your boundaries.. Sorry you had to go through that.

 

haha ur not wrong mate, she was a real nutter that one, told me she was pregnant to get me to stay and everything, real nutcase, beth don't become one of them

[NewLee40]

Beth, I missed something in an earlier post that I'm just seeing now. It just underscores what you need to be prepared for.

 

You kinda seem to miss the point of his wife having a restraining order against him. You said, "so I know she doesn't want him." The bigger question is WHY doesn't she want him? What does SHE know that you don't? Probably a whole lot of stuff you would be better off never finding out.

 

This guy is dangerous, and when you move on, you may find yourself needing a restraining order. Do whatever it takes to stop idealizing your notion of him and you together. Feel pity for whoever is his next victim. Don't let it be YOU.

[Art_Critic]

Beth you have been down this road on the restraining order and such before.

 

You have been dealing with these same feelings of not being in a relationship with this guy for over 1 year now.

 

When are you going to get help ?

 

 

Rememebr he is married and he doesn't want you and there is a reason his wife has a restraining order on him.. He most likely is violent or has been toward her. He has been abusive toward you and continues an abusive stance toward you and you fail to see it and move on.

 

Beth .. Seek some therapy .. Do you want to be here next year talking about the same problems of him not calling you and how bad you feel and how you love him so much ?

 

I hope not ..

 

AC

[smile95]

I do realize it is up to me to break this pattern/cycle. He knows how I am and knows how our pattern goes, so I am changing it. I do not deserve this. I am miserable and in love with a dream I created. I am giving myself my own closure.......

 

I am feeling ok today...no crying yet......

 

It is weird...at work I laughed at something and I felt guilty! Can you believe that! I am so used to be unhappy, that happiness is now the weird feeling. I have to belive that I will love again........

 

Thanks everyone....everytime I cannot make it thru or want to call him....I will re read this post to remind me.

[smile95]

wow-I feel ok today? It is sinking in that he is not going to be in my life...no going back this time....and really it is ok(today). I am realizing more than ever that my life is the same with or without him. Just minus a phone call here and there that usually ened up with me stressing! I hope that this is not a fluke and I hope that if he calls one day, I will be strong enough by then to FINALLY put him in his place.

[NewLee40]

One Day at a Time. Just remember, contact will put you back to square one.

 

I was researching on narcisissts the other day and I found the response I plan to use next time my ex tries to contact me:

 

Simply state that you are responding to request that he not contact you any more and that all further contact will be ignored (phone calls, texts, emails, etc...) and stick with it.

 

Don't try to explain, don't engage in any sort of dialogue. There's not point in trying to explain or make him understand why. It doesn't matter. He's out of your life. Just say it and ignore any further contact. Stick to your guns.

 

At the very least, if you can't respond that way...come here before you respond at all. K? Promise?

 

And in the meantime, take Arts advice. Get some therapy. If it didn't work for you in the past, find a new therapist. There is a reason why you say you havent' been in any good relationships, and you owe it to yourself to figure out why.

 

No matter where you started out, he's left you less than whole. Get whole again before you try again. That's what I'm doing.

[smile95]

thanks!

 

I plan on telling him t leave me alone....usually he just says :I love you and I miss you" and I fall to pieces. I know that those are just words. I read that article on narcissism and he has a lot of the signs. Esp about the silent treatment and forgetting gifts and making promises he never keeps and having no feelings for what others go thru.

 

I PROMISE to get on here ASAP when he calls! I will need you all to keep my head on straight. In the past. I just fall back. That is getting me no where (CLEARLY since this is the 7th freaking time this pattern has happened!)

 

It is hard because I know that he expects me to say I love him too as always. And I do, but a relationship needs more than love and more than him just "saying" he loves me. He will be shocked. He told me if I ever left him, he would be on my doorstep(not in a stalking way) but sad that he will only come see me if I leave him???

 

I hope that I am really getting over this! I think that I have finally had enough. It tears my self esteem down so much to chase him and be ignored.

 

Thanks for the support! It really does help to read and post on here. You have no idea what LS has saved me from doing!

[NewLee40]

Right on!

 

And the key is just to say, this is the last time I will speak to you and it is only to tell you that I will ignore all further contact. Period.

 

Do not engage in conversation. Say that sentence and hang up, click send, or whatever you have to do to end it.

 

After that,

 

Don't pick up the phone.

 

Rip up letters if they are sent in the mail - without reading them.

 

Delete emails before reading.

 

Delete voice mail messages before listening to them.

 

Not engaging means not listening to him, not just not talking to him.

 

If family members or friends bring him up, shut them down. Tell them you don't want to hear it. Walk away if you have to.

 

I'm praying for your strength.

[smile95]

thank you -I pray all the time for strength to finally do this. God knows I have been trying to leave for so long. I trust that he has everything planned out for me. I trust that something better is down the road. I want to be happy again. I have learned so much from this experience tho. Not to depend on anyone for happiness for one! I wrote some thought down and mailed them to myself with the title "reminder". Over time, I seem to miss him and want to call him and love him again and end up calling or answering....this time I am just going to read the mail I sent which I wrote when I was so hurt and upset with him and he was being so ignorant. So that way, I will not forget how I felt. He is very manipulative and that makes it rough. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe he is also tired of this game we play.

[NewLee40]

Just remember, the most dangerous part is when you start feeling a little bit strong. That's when you think you can reach out to that person and be ok with it. Big mistake.

 

That's when my guy comes back....right before I'm about to cross over into being completely over him. I think I can handle the contact and before you know...we are back at square one.

 

You will never be strong enough to handle a relationship with a narcissist. Strong people know this and walk away from them. Don't forget that.

[smile95]

funny seems like they know when to call again....mine ALWAYS does right when I am just about over him too!!!! Weird.......

 

How long have you been apart from your guy? Are you doing NC?

[NewLee40]

I've been apart from him since July 21. I did NC and he tried to contact me one month later.

 

Just an email saying, please call me, and an attempt to add me back to his messenger list.

 

Like a fool, I responded. He acted cool to me on yahoo and I got mad and said "I'm deleting you now, bye"

 

A week later, in a moment of weakness, I called him. He said he wanted me back, etc...

 

48 hours later, he had changed his mind.

 

So....who knows how long he'll go this time before he tries again. Maybe he won't but if the pattern holds true, he can't go more than a month or two.

 

I'm just trying to prepare myself for that moment. Whenever he tries to contact me, I find myself going through that "Oh, he still loves me..." "Oh, he's realizing what he's lost..BS..." Of course, I love him, so that yes is always in my heart. So, I've got to be strong this time and I'm trying to prepare myself.

 

Seeing people like you going through the same thing helps me to feel stronger and less likely to buy into his BS. I can see it in other people's relationships and it makes it easier to see what's happening in mine.

[smile95]

Seeing people like you going through the same thing helps me to feel stronger and less likely to buy into his BS. I can see it in other people's relationships and it makes it easier to see what's happening in mine.

 

I feel the same way....I am, not so good at seeing what is happening to me! Funny my guys pattern is about a month too and I also think"Wow he has changed and really loves me" Then I cry and he is sweet for a while and I go back and less than a week later, we are back to square one.

 

I guess since I always went back, he felt he could do wahtever to me. He is really going to flip when I do not go back.

[sanne]

your still referring to him as "my guy". he is your ex, and he is ruining your life and you are allowing it to happen. if you want to get over this, you have to just let it all go.