ready2give_up Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 I spent much of yesterday in tears and feeling like I'd been side-swiped. Today I'm not crying so far, which is good. Here is my situation....... I'm 37 and met a guy a couple of weeks ago through a popular online dating site. He had his profile in the "Relationship" section (as opposed to the casual Dating section), thereby indicating he was seeking a relationship, or was at least open to such. I sent him a brief note, as his profile really struck a chord with me - unlike most, he wasn't giving some overblown salespitch, he seemed genuine and like he knew what he was seeking, very down to earth. He's the same age, is divorced, has 2 schoolage children which he proudly mentioned - a good thing! He wrote me back, was very polite and sweet - offered his phone number in case I felt comfortable phoning - felt we could communicate more effectively that way, as opposed to countless emails back and forth. I'm not one to jump into things but I had a good feeling about him, so I called. That turned out to be a 5 hr conversation, late into the morning. We just couldn't stop talking, so very many things in common........and he kept commenting on this as well. From our childhoods growing up in small towns, our Catholic upbringing, our continued faith in God, our values and morals, our love of taking on new challenges (home renos, fixing things, etc). He was more than impressed when I told him that I've done all kinds of home improvements on my own - he'd been a contractor in the past and couldn't stop talking about how impressed he was to "meet" a woman who tried new things and enjoyed learning. He seemed very down to earth and the conversation flowed very freely. He was a total gentleman, unlike many, there were no sexual innuendos of any sort. He was often the one to call me......and no matter how brief we'd intended our phone conversations to be, they always ended up being about 4 hrs. He suggested early on that we meet - he was vocal in admitting he thought I was a great person and he wanted to meet me in person. We had exchanged pictures, and he told me I was very cute and that I even looked like 30 (not 37). He, of course, was very handsome....but humble. During one of our conversations, he told me that he's not "quite ready" to date - because he's got 10 more weeks of training to complete (training to be a police officer, so very important, intensive training) and didn't have the time to devote to a relationship..........but yet, he wanted to talk and sincerely get to know me.........and he just couldn't stop telling me how happy and amazed that we were so much alike, how he thought that was a good thing. We met in person for the first time this past Friday night. I told him beforehand that meeting someone this way was a little nerve-wracking for me, I'm a little shy when I first meet someone....but he just reassured me not to be, said he was a little like that too so he could understand. He left it up to me to decide what we'd do/where we'd meet. I chose a place that was halfway between our homes (he lives in a city, I live in a small town 15 min North of the city)....a place I'd been to in the past, a neighborhood pub (neither of us are big drinkers or bar types), he was game with that. We met in the parking lot - he shook my hand, he seemed a little shy, and so did I. He didn't really smile too much, just seemed kind of shy and feeling initially awkward (he's only met 3 women this way in the past year). The place was packed. We sat at the only remaining table in there.....as soon as we sat down, the music started (they had a DJ)...and it was very loud. We sat at a round table, he sat next to me......to sit across from each other, we'd never have been able to hear one another talking. I'll admit, the conversation didn't quite flow as freely as it had on the phone.......I should have had a drink and I'd have been fine but I don't drink and drive and I hadn't eaten all day so that wouldn't have been smart. It was somewhat difficult to hear each other talk.....but I'd lean into him a little if I couldn't hear what he was saying. We made really good eye contact when conversing. He commented on how smoky the place was, and I guess I felt a little bad for picking this place to meet. He talked a lot.....and believe me, I didn't sit there like a bump on a log....I listened intently, asked questions, I thought things were going well..........though there were so many distractions, it was so loud.....it was a bit difficult. We met @ 9pm. At 11pm, he looked at his watch twice. I jokingly asked him if he had a plane to catch - he mentioned something about leaving soon as he had to get up early the next day to study for an exam on Monday. I was sort of disappointed, but if he wanted to leave, who was I to stop him? He sat for a bit..and I said "hey, you know...we really can leave now if you'd like to"......so we did. It was nice to get out in the fresh air.........we walked back to our respective vehicles. We talked a lot more ,standing there in the parking lot. He told me that I'm a great person and that i've really done well for myself in life, that he's impressed with the kind of person I am......that that's the kind of person he's looking for. He initiated us hugging goodbye. When I got home, I dropped him a short email to thank him, and tell him it had been nice to meet him - I mentioned that I was sorry for not being quite as chatty as I usually am on the phone but that I was a little shy. I didn't hear from him yesterday until 4:30pm - he phoned me. Thanked me for the nice email and said it had been really nice to meet me, too. We chit chatted very freely - then he said something about how we didn't hit it off in person as we had on the phone...........he then said something about how we could call each other whenever we wanted, just to keep in touch and see how things were going for one another. I was a little confused - was I getting the brush-off? So I asked him what he meant by that..........he suggested we could keep in touch as friends. I told him I'm not looking for friends, what is the point? I then asked him why we'd spent so many hours on the phone, mostly initiated by him (as well as us meeting)...if he was apparently not ready to date? - he then said that he didn't feel there was any chemistry when we met in person. This hit my hard, I guess. I looked the same as in my pics, I was (and am) still the same person he was so anxious to meet, still the same person who he marvelled about how alike we were, the same person he kept commenting on how easy I was to talk to, how solid of a person I am, how he was surprised I was still single.......... This all just hit me right out of left field. I told him that it was my fault to have chosen the place we met at, and I was sorry for that - that it was hard to really converse as we had on the phone because it was so darn loud and smoky, we were crammed up against a wall and could barely move. He said I was turned away from him and he felt I was "closed"..........I was shocked. We were sitting with our chairs almost side by side....was I supposed to turn my chair right to him and face him - so that i'd be completely in his face and staring at a wall? I told him I'm not a closed person at all.......did he want me to be all over him, in his face or something? I felt like the wind had been let out of my sails. I had to fight back the tears and I'm sure he could hear it in my voice. I'm usually not that way but I felt that he and I had connected on so many important levels - we had so many important things in common. He apologized for hurting me, and I said I doubted that, then I said goodbye because what else do you say in a situation like this? (no, I didn't slam the phone down on him but I didn't see any point to continue to talk - if he didn't feel chemistry with me, what more can I do?) So I emailed him later - telling him I was just so shocked that basically he was not interested. How can "chemistry" even come into play when you're at a loud, rowdy pub with 400 drunks, tons of smoke and you have to talk really loudly to be heard over the music? Many times I had to ask him to repeat what he'd said because I hadn't heard him well, and I was sitting right next to him. Why couldn't he have suggested we try again and go somewhere else - meet a second time in a better setting so that we can really have a better chance to converse and see if there's chemistry. This was his response to my email: "I'm sorry I've hurt you. I still think your a solid person for what that's worth, and I'm sure you'll find your Prince.....but I don't think he is me....stick to your convictions. I know what I am looking for in life and maybe I'll never find it, (yes that would be sad) but after my marriage and what I've been through with it, I know what I want and I am hopeful I will find it someday. In that process, I want to waste as little time as possible as I simply don't have the energy for the emotional roller coasters and the guilt imposed by others. Believe me it's not easy to break things off at any time. But if I feel things aren't right, better sooner than later as it only becomes more difficult. I should have done that along time ago with my ex and I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. I will not compromise and neither should you. You've got more going for you than most of the women out there so chin up. Someday you'll think "God I'm glad I didn't waste any more time with that guy(or insert expletive) because look what I've found". And you will be perfect for each other. I honestly wish you all the best and my compliments were/are sincere and from the heart. Thank you for the gift of your time." I feel he didn't even give us a chance, due to the setting we met in. For someone who was so vocally impressed and amazed at the kind of person I am, how much we have in common.........how could he suddenly make a decision in 2 short smoke-filled hours at a pub where we could barely hear one another, that we're not a match? This is a guy, who, during our phone conversations, kept telling me about things he wanted to do in the future, places he wanted to take me, asking if I thought my Dad would like him, even going so far as to ask me if I'd ever consider going back to the Catholic church because that's something that's a very important part of his life and his childrens' life........and his ex wife never went to church and that was something that was important to him. Why would a guy who's not looking to date ask such a thing? I am sad because he was a very interesting guy with so much in common. We had great conversations about religion, politics, values, our careers, relationships, our past marriages, etc. I just don't understand how he could write me off like he did - when it seems so obvious to me that our first meeting wasn't at an ideal location and if anything, we should meet again somewhere better and THEN see how things were, and make the decision from there. I'm so sad. It's so hard to find a good guy. Does anyone make sense of this?
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by ready2give_up didn't have the time to devote to a relationship.......... He had 4-5 hours a day to talk to you but didn't have the time to date you ? Your experience is why when doing onnline dating you should meet real soon rather than building a phone relationship that most likely will peter out after meeting.. He was at least honest with you even though he was cold .. Better to learn it now rather than 6 months down the road.. Never contact him again.. if you do you will look clingy and rather psycho. Find someone else that you click with and next time meet them sooner and in a less crowded place
Author ready2give_up Posted August 28, 2005 Author Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by Art_Critic He had 4-5 hours a day to talk to you but didn't have the time to date you ? Your experience is why when doing onnline dating you should meet real soon rather than building a phone relationship that most likely will peter out after meeting.. He was at least honest with you even though he was cold .. Better to learn it now rather than 6 months down the road.. Never contact him again.. if you do you will look clingy and rather psycho. Find someone else that you click with and next time meet them sooner and in a less crowded place Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, and respond. The only reason we didn't meet sooner was due to his training schedule and the fact that he has his children 50% of the time (and he understandably won't allow anyone to meet his children early on, which I respected him for). Yes, I am glad to know early on how he feels versus being strung along and getting more attached and invested, only to THEN be dumped.....so that's good....but I just don't understand how someone who couldn't stop talking about how alike we were, who couldn't stop telling me how great it was to meet a woman who was independent, who took the initiative to learn home improvement stuff (wiring lights, basic plumbing, fixing my car).....because he was very much like that himself, and he really respected people like that. He wasn't complimentary in a "phony, sucking-up" kind of way ......... it just seemed more than apparent that his ex wife of 10 years was a princess who didn't lift a finger, she didn't take any interest in his interests or talents.........and that it was refreshing to him, to find a woman who was so much alike. So I don't know what changed for him, once we met. The pics I'd sent to him were very very recent, so there were no surprises there. But when a guy says there was no chemistry, isn't he really referring to being physically attracted? I've truthfully never encountered this kind of situation before and I don't mean to sound conceited at all. I can only think of 1 situation within the past 5 yrs where I met a guy and it was obvious I wasn't his type........but the rest, they were always very interested and if anything, it was ME who perhaps didn't feel the chemistry with them.........but even so, with most of them in that case, I would at least go out with them once more just to be sure.............because I don't think you can really get a good feel for someone in a brief first meeting.........you need to spend time with them in different settings, to know better how you feel. The things we have in common are things that are very rare to find in someone these days........trust me....and he seemed to impressed to have found someone who was so alike. Even when we spoke yesterday, he asked me if I'm a "Virgo" because we seem so alike....of course this was before he told me to hit the road. He did admit that for the past 2 weeks, he's been very distracted since meeting me............which I know isn't a good thing because his training is very intensive and he can't afford to be distracted and fail an exam or get behind.............which he said is part of the reason he's not ready to date until his training is over. But then why did he initiate all of this to begin with? Why the marathon phone conversations? Even when talking, he'd admit that it was hard to say goodbye, even though I encouraged him to do so because he had to be up early for school. I just don't understand what his "lightbulb moment" was - what it was that I said or did or whatever, that caused him to do such a 180 and decide that I'm not his type. I guess I'll never know. And no, i won't contact him again - I have more self respect than to chase someone or appear desperate and clingy. But I feel that this has really rocked my self confidence when it comes to meeting guys this way - now the next nice guy I meet, I will be even more nervous to meet because no matter how much we seem to have in common, there's the real possibility that he'll blow me off after we meet. I'm not used to being rejected like that, and I hope that doesn't sound arrogant, I sure don't mean it to. Anyway, thanks a lot for your input here. I guess I'll never really get full closure because I'll never reallly understand what caused him to change his mind. Thanks.
hoppy28 Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 ive learned recently that sometimes the "closure" needs to come from within ourselves. i spent a month with woman recently. much your situation, im not sure what happened. you got more of an explanation as i did. i feel the very same way you do, so you are not alone. imagine having gotten even closer to him?? (physically) i made the mistake and it left me feeling even worse. take the hit on the chin.........now raise it and keep it high. you are a great person and somebody will come along and never even think about letting go. i hurts when your lead to believe there was "something" there. when this woman enetered my life.................i had feelings i havent felt in 28 years. i thought i found my life partner. boy was i fooled. take it easy.............its ok to greive over this "short term" encounter.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 He may have had some very high expectations and expected to be blown away meeting you in person. That rarely happens, I know from experience and I've learned to have little or no expectations. Even now, after dating someone for a month, it's not what I was looking for and I kept giving it another chance, but it's time to end it and I don't wanna be friends. I'm sure you will feel relieved when it's over with. Try not to spend too much time trying to figure it out. Bottom line is he didn't have his expectations met.
Author ready2give_up Posted August 28, 2005 Author Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by hoppy28 ive learned recently that sometimes the "closure" needs to come from within ourselves. i spent a month with woman recently. much your situation, im not sure what happened. you got more of an explanation as i did. i feel the very same way you do, so you are not alone. imagine having gotten even closer to him?? (physically) i made the mistake and it left me feeling even worse. take the hit on the chin.........now raise it and keep it high. you are a great person and somebody will come along and never even think about letting go. i hurts when your lead to believe there was "something" there. when this woman enetered my life.................i had feelings i havent felt in 28 years. i thought i found my life partner. boy was i fooled. take it easy.............its ok to greive over this "short term" encounter. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, Hoppy. I'm very sorry that you've experienced something similar - my heart goes out to all of us who lay our hearts on the line, take a chance - only to end up feeling disillusioned and confused. I would like to know how to better avoid this happening the next time but I'm not sure how....because this isn't something that's happened before, but I can tell you wholeheartedly, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the next time I "meet" someone and we're in the process of getting to know one another, and no matter how much we seem on the same page, I will remember this situation and I will likely be even more nervous about being so open and taking such a risk - and I'll be even more shy/nervous when meeting in person because I'll be worried that it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops. Part of my sadness is the fact that I feel like a dope for having been so open and honest, and that I shared so much about myself - with someone who obviously didn't really appreciate it as much as he let on he did. It is hard to "trust" people when things like this happen because you learn firsthand that things may not always be as they seem - and that having 1,001 things in common may not be enough. I don't do this internet dating thing very often, and for the 10 guys I "meet online" and communicate with, it's maybe "1" that I actually feel enough of a connection with, to meet in person. I am not desperate or clingy and I don't "need" a man in my life to be complete or whole, I simply feel we were not put on this earth to be alone - so I'm looking for someone good to share this short life with - the good, the bad and the unknown. He's been separated for 2 yrs and divorced for 8 months. It's possible he's in that stage that I was once in - where he's got unrealistic expectations of how he should feel when meeting someone. You see, in his case, he was married for 10 yrs - his wife never worked at all through their marriage, she was a perpetual student and it seems she just used him to put her through school. At the end, she wanted to go back to do more schooling and he told her that he was burnt out in his career and that she needed to wait, that he needed to change careers........it was then that she told him she wanted a divorce and that they weren't soulmates. Naturally, he was devastated. He said she was very unaffectionate toward him for most of their marriage, that she didn't feel like a companion to him.........she didn't even take his last name when they married....but he felt he'd made a commitment to her and their 2 children so he never gave up, just kept hoping things would get better with time. He told me he's only dated a handful of times over the past 8 months - and that 2 gals ,he didn't feel a connection with. It's possible he's still got hangups from his marriage, from basically having been rejected by his wife......and maybe he pushes women away out of a fear of getting too close and then being rejected - so he's the one to reject someone first. Or else he's looking for the fairytale woman/relationship..........and expects that unless he feels butterflies when first meeting someone, that she's not the right woman for him. I've been in both of these situations myself, back after I was divorced, for a couple of years. Even then, I compared my dating partners to my lousy ex husband (who'd hurt me greatly) and because they didn't seem to measure up, I'd write them off - because i just wasn't in the right "heart space'" to be dating. Of course these are only possibilities, I'm not trying to give him the benefit of a doubt....and make excuses for why he made this seemingly snap decision that I'm not a match for him. Oh well, nobody said that life would always make sense.
hoppy28 Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 to be honest..................im not sure we will be able to tell and thats the risk you take. at thsi point im wondering if its worth risking again. ive been single for two years. not because i cant get woman but the last two years have been about "me". i just didnt feel a relationship is something i could handle at that point in my life. i never lead any woman on. matter a fact i didnt even date. i learned to enjoy my time alone. i found out who i was, what i wanted, etc. i think its important for people to take time like this for themselves. so after two years i put my heart into a woman to have it ripped out and thrown in the garbage. back to being single, back to the thoughts that im doomed to be single forever. maybe that is the desitny that some of face??? jeez...........im getting sad again. life can be so sad at times!!!!
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