Do women believe in double standards?

[Globa]

I've been seeing a girl for a while, and she's for the most part of one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. However, there are these times that we get into arguments over things and they always follow a rather unfortunate pattern, and in the end I have to just drop it. Our most recent:

 

I went one day without texting or calling her and she totally freaked out. I woke up with a text from her saying "I know that you're cheating on me". I later found out that she had called her friend crying and her friend had to calm her down.

 

So why did she think I was cheating? Because several of the people that like my posts on Instagram are attractive.

 

We ended up talking it out, and everything was fine.

 

So weeks later, she tells me that one of her best friends from college is coming to visit the city we live in, and that he may be moving here. She says she's so excited to see him. She tells me that he used to have feelings for her, but that he doesn't anymore. I don't inquire too much because I trust her.

 

Then, one day while she and I are hanging out, he calls and he wants to see her, so they make plans to go out that night.

 

Her guy friend, let's call him Doug, shows up along with another one of her friends. I'm studying in another room, but I can hear them laughing so loud that the walls are shaking. Good.

 

Then on my way to the restroom, I get to meet Doug. He shakes my hand weakly as I tell him I've heard so much about him. Then I go back to doing my thing as they all depart for the dance club.

 

Later, my girl comes back drunk and she's like

 

Her: "Doug left super early."

Me: "Why?"

Her: "Apparently, he still likes me and he was upset when he found out about you."

 

I thought it was kinda lame that he didn't know about me prior to meeting me face-to-face if they are such good friends. But ok.

 

Next morning ... she's sober and I ask her how last night was. She says it was good, but doesn't go into detail. I ask her how Doug is feeling and she says he's good and tells me he left early that night. I asked her why he left and she said it was to meet up with friends. Apparently, she'd forgotten that she told me why he left last night.

 

I reminded her and she was like "oh yeah I forgot". This actually pissed me off because there was a time where she told me she hadn't seen her ex in a long time and then I ended up finding out that she actually had seen him just a few days ago. When she realized I found out she said "Sorry I forgot that I went to his place".

 

I asked if she knew that Doug had feelings for her and she said "No, I had no idea." I found that hard to believe and she goes, "here, look at our text messages".

 

I look through the text messages and this is what I see:

 

(earlier that day)

 

Doug: "I may be moving to SF soon! We'll be able to hang out all the time!"

Her: "Haha Yes! ALLLL DA TIMEEEEE"

Doug: "I'm excited! You're one of 5 people that I've told. And all the other people I've told are family!"

Her: "I'm so excited! Am I part of the family now?"

Doug: "No, you are more than family!"

Doug: "I love you babe!"

Her: "love you!"

 

(later that night)

 

Her: "Where did you go?"

Doug: "Went to meet up with friends. You're welcome to join if you want."

Doug (an hour later): "Didn't know about Globa. That's interesting."

 

 

Naturally I ask, "How do you not know that he likes you?"

She says it's because he talks like that to everyone.

It's annoying that he calls her babe. There's actually a lot about this that's annoying.

 

What is also annoying is that she was just crying on the phone the other day about some girls that like my posts on Instagram who I barely ever even see, meanwhile she's got guy this guy calling her 'babe' and saying he loves her and that she's more than family.

 

I asked her how she could ever be upset at me and she says it's not the same.

 

Is there something wrong with me? I'm losing peace of mind over this. This is, to me, a blatant textbook double-standard ... I don't know what to do

[introverted1]

At best, she has poor boundaries.

 

At worst, she thinks you are cheating because it is what she is doing (or warming up to doing).

[act00]

It's not necessarily a double standard - or it is - okay, it is - but the thing is, she knows what she's doing and what she's up to, so there is no question for her she's on the straight and narrow. She does not know what you're doing and what you're up to when you're not around, especially if your standard communication takes a sudden drop and turn, so the jealous green monster, mistrust, insecurities, or accusations might pop up. Not contacting her for a day when you usually communicate several times a day can be problematic. "Babe, I'm really busy with work and finals, sorry if I don't talk as much." This can help.

 

So yeah, it is a bit of a double standard, and might be worth bringing up. Let's assume you have nothing to worry about with this guy and it's truly platonic. You can point out, "look, I trust you with your guy friend, and I expect you to trust me with my female friends. It's a double standard that it's okay to 'hang out' with Doug, but you get uptight about Jane and Mary, and we don't see each other much. It's just Instagram." Discuss.

 

I think you have adequate reason to have reservations with this Doug guy and your girlfriend, and I agree with the assessment that cheaters expect others to cheat, so her insecurities about you and your female friends on Insta could be a projection due to her own behavior or just Doug (even if she doesn't cross the line). The fact that Doug didn't even know she was dating you (living together?) is a major omission worthy of worry...major. You already know Doug has a thing for her. The "I love you babe" would have me hitting the fan. I know that the word "love" is used in platonic friendships and family, and nicknames are just that, but that absolutely wouldn't sit well with me, especially in light of a known attraction and omission of your seemingly serious relationship.

 

You have some stuff to work on with her...transparency with Doug being huge, but you and your female friends as well...and certainly when an opportunity arises when you plan something with these friends, female or otherwise, make sure she's included. Do people know your relationship status? Do you hide it? Friends should be blending at some point and people should be aware. Hiding it the way your girlfriend did is a big problem.

[RecentChange]

The getting hysterical, crying to a friend and falsely accusing you of cheating would be enough to make me seriously question this girl's emotional maturity.

 

Add keeping an orbiter around who "loves" her (and she likes leading on) would give me serious pause.

 

This girl needs to get a grip.

[preraph]

You know, she's a hypocrite. I guess because maybe she knows she's not going to cheat but she doesn't know you're not going to -- and maybe hasn't enough empathy to see your side of it. That's a red flag. Plus I think she likes drama a little too much maybe. Sit down with her when you're both sober and make her hush long enough to lay it all out for her and ask how her seeing a guy she KNEW has a thing for her isn't worse than some girls you don't know ( I presume) liking something on social media. If you two ever are going to be serious, both of you will have to stop and have rules.

[todreaminblue]

it would be a double standard if she was not ok if some girl were calling you babe and telling you that they loved you...which i dont feel she would be ok with at all...

 

as you shouldnt be and or arent comfortable with her friend saying what he said ...seeing how she is forgetful maybe you should remind her of what she wouldnt be comfortable with to allow her to understand and accept why you arent comfortable or accepting of her boundaries with male friends...best wishes with this conversation that you need to have asap..deb

[Maggie4]

First, the term double standard doesn't really apply to a one on one relationship. It applies more to groups of people in society. Also, you are trying to say all women must be like your girlfriend, so that way you can accept it as how it is, and do nothing. But you do have a problem there, which you don't have to accept. I think you need to face the possibility that you don't have a good girlfriend there? Good news is, there are better ones.

 

As for your situation, she may be on her way out. She's pushing the boundaries without worries of losing you.

[d0nnivain]

Your Q asks about all women but your post focuses on your GF. I doubt there is much that all women believe other than maybe humans breath oxygen.

 

As for your GF, absolutely she is a hypocrite with a double standard. She freaked out because attractive people liked some social media post of yours but she thinks it's fine to verbally express love for a guy who wants to date her & go clubbing with him even though she's dating you. Way not cool. She either needs to monitor her own behavior much more closely or lighten up on yours. I wouldn't stand for her behavior. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. So if she wants you to behave a certain way she better start toeing the lines she's drawing.

[BluesPower]

Dude, really?

 

You have to ask this question. Yeah total double standard.

 

And he is not saying all woman. And also, a double standard CAN be applied to one or two people, as well a groups.

 

You seriously need to dump this girl. Oh, OK you can try to talk to her if you want.

 

But "Doug" was hoping to bang your girlfriend as soon as he got to town and what is more, she knew he was thinking that.

 

And she is totally projecting the cheating thing, which makes me think she is cheating on you. Cheaters often project their miss deeds on to their SO, frankly it happens a lot.

 

I can't say that she is cheating, but those texts were way across the line.

 

For me, I say save yourself the trouble. She is either cheating or she is kind of nuts. Neither is good.

[act00]

<snip>

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. So if she wants you to behave a certain way she better start toeing the lines she's drawing.

 

BINGO!! You win the Kewpie doll!

 

I love you Babe!

 

Love you!

 

No and no. Just no.

[rightondude]

this stood out to me: "I reminded her and she was like "oh yeah I forgot". This actually pissed me off because there was a time where she told me she hadn't seen her ex in a long time and then I ended up finding out that she actually had seen him just a few days ago. When she realized I found out she said "Sorry I forgot that I went to his place"."

 

Quite a thing to forget.

 

Ol' Doug thought he was gonna get him some then had to act like he was cool with it not working out. She didn't even tell him about you! **** he even moved with that in mind! Be interesting to see how this progresses going forward now that he has "realized his true feelings" again.

 

I will say one thing, now that Douglas is in the friend zone for sure (for now), you may actually have a chance to make this work here; if you like this girl. Of course she seems super possessive and as others have said, that could be a cover for something, and you do have to worry about ol' buddy Doug lurking and just waiting for you to slip up. But at least she came home that night, so that's something.