"Moving too fast" after a great second date?

[james8]

TLDR at end of post

 

Alright so a friend of mine recently hit me up saying his sister (same age as me, 22) wanted to have a date with me out of like, nowhere. Never seen her before, but she did follow me on Instagram. I live a relatively luxury life in comparison to people my age and I initially thought she just was interested for that reason.

 

I went "whatever" and asked for her number to complete the date. We talked and like, I got really interested in her because she seemed to be a lot like me in terms of personality. So I asked her out (even though she asked my friend to arrange it, but I wanted to play it cool and ask her out instead of being like "sure we can go out"), and we went to a bar 2 days later. She walks in drop dead beautiful so I decided to really go for her since her looks are great and her personality is wicked too.

 

We have a nice first date, talk a lot (some deep convos too even), and I decide I'm not gonna go for sex but for an actual relationship. I pay, we leave, I ask her "do you want to come over to cook on Sunday?" and she said she'd love to. She suggested that while we were talking in the bar, hence that question. I was about to walk home, but she asked "are you coming to the car?" and we make out there.

 

Fast forward, second date comes up (6 days after we first started talking) and I put in a huge load of effort, and she noticed. We spent a good 6 hours together, doing grocery shopping, then her cooking for me and me doing my best to help her out (I suck at cooking) and then the dinner. After dinner, we sit on my couch and we make out, she shows me pictures from her trip to Fiji, we watch a random Netflix show and make out a bit more. She cuddles up to me, rests her head on my shoulder and we just watch Netflix for a bit like that. Pretty romantic and stuff, nothing too intimate. When she says she's heading home, I ask her to stay over for the night. She says no, makes out with me, and goes home.

 

She goes home, said she had such a great time and that she really enjoyed her day and stuff. I agree, tell her goodnight and that's that.

 

Today, I wake up to see she didn't text me at all despite me messaging her. She normally does, but I figure she's busy. She replies late, and says she was working - which I figured she was. We text a bit but conversations go relatively slow. I start overthinking about asking her to sleep over, and I text her to apologize for asking her to sleep over and that I don't want to come off as if I'm only into her for that very reason. She thanks me for my apology and says everything is okay, but that she has to get something off her chest too.

 

That's where my crazy confusion begins: she says she really enjoyed our time together but that we're moving too fast, and she wants to take it slow. So confused as I am, I assume she means she wants to end it. I ask her "do you want to end it or?" and she says she doesn't want that but wants to move slower. She says she still wants to see me soon but that she's so busy and wants to focus on her work and school.

 

Since that moment we text so much less, and she even ignored my last text. I don't text twice if I get ignored, so the convo has been dead for the whole evening now. Is she done with me and has she put me in the friendzone, or what the hell is going on? I haven't dated much, never cared much about women and have barely any experience with dating.

 

TLDR: Dating my friend's sister, 6 days later we have our second date after a great first date. Second date goes amazing too, romantic and stuff. Day after she says she now wants to go slow and that we move too fast. Is she done?

 

Thanks for reading my wall of text <3

Edited March 5, 2018 by james8
Vulgar language, sorry

[smackie9]

I will tell you this...she gave you a shot, thought you were way cool but didn't feel chemistry, gave it another date to see if attraction develops, tries real hard but it doesn't happen, she's blown ya off now because she doesn't have the heart to tell you...instead she gives you some excuses, blah blah blah.

[newyorker11356]

I'm actually in a similar situation (but not the same as yours) right now with another girl.

 

As for your question, it's hard to tell. My worry would be that while she's likely and probably telling the truth about school and work, if she really liked you, then she'd make sacrifices to still see you.

 

Then again, some people can like someone else, but still not be able to focus on dating or trying to start something (a relationship) while they're going through some things.

 

My opinion? Keep her on the backburner. Talk to her and whatnot, but try to date other women. That's what I'm doing now with my current girl.

Edited March 5, 2018 by newyorker11356

[newyorker11356]

I will tell you this...she gave you a shot, thought you were way cool but didn't feel chemistry, gave it another date to see if attraction develops, tries real hard but it doesn't happen, she's blown ya off now because she doesn't have the heart to tell you...instead she gives you some excuses, blah blah blah.

 

Eh, I wouldn't say this is always 100% factual. Some people truly can't focus on dating while they have other stressful things going on in their life, even if they do like a person.

[james8]

I will tell you this...she gave you a shot, thought you were way cool but didn't feel chemistry, gave it another date to see if attraction develops, tries real hard but it doesn't happen, she's blown ya off now because she doesn't have the heart to tell you...instead she gives you some excuses, blah blah blah.

 

But even today she still asks me what I'm doing and makes conversation albeit at a much slower pace. It just seemed like a 180 degree turnaround compared to how all previous days have gone. She openly told me that she felt a connection with me and said she can talk to me in a way she couldn't talk with anyone but her last long-standing relationship which died because it was overseas and too far. Is this really always the case?

 

I'm actually in a similar situation (but not the same as yours) right now with another girl.

 

As for your question, it's hard to tell. My worry would be that while she's likely and probably telling the truth about school and work, if she really liked you, then she'd make sacrifices to still see you.

 

Then again, some people can like someone else, but still not be able to focus on dating or trying to start something (a relationship) while they're going through some things.

 

My opinion? Keep her on the backburner. Talk to her and whatnot, but try to date other women. That's what I'm doing now with my current girl.

 

Well, I'm not that much into dating because I'm pretty busy with my business and this happened to just come into my life out of nowhere, so I guess I'll just.. go slow with her and mind my own stuff and see if she initiates anything? I told her that arranging dates is on her now since I'm going at her pace, so I guess that'll be a way to tell if she's (still) into me. I just find it so odd that there's such a big change. We texted like outrageously much throughout the past days (before today) and laughed a huge lot. I dunno, I guess she may not be as interested as I had thought.

 

Eh, I wouldn't say this is always 100% factual. Some people truly can't focus on dating while they have other stressful things going on in their life, even if they do like a person.

 

She did mention that she wanted to mainly focus on her education and carreer and that she made that promise to herself to not sacrifice anything for love. She may very well be doing that but I just don't see why the occasional hangout with me interrupts her carreer or whatever.

[TheFinalWord]

Well, you've only had two dates. So you need to control your feelings (at least control yourself) a bit and back off. You can be responsive, but if you over try, she is going to bolt. She doesn't want to sleep with you so soon. You must back off a bit. If you push and get overly attached so early on, she will either bolt or you'll start putting her on a pedestal way too soon. You're showing too much interest too early on. Just do regular dates for a while. No cooking at home, etc.

[james8]

Well, you've only had two dates. So you need to control your feelings (at least control yourself) a bit and back off. You can be responsive, but if you over try, she is going to bolt. She doesn't want to sleep with you so soon. You must back off a bit. If you push and get overly attached so early on, she will either bolt or you'll start putting her on a pedestal way too soon. You're showing too much interest too early on. Just do regular dates for a while. No cooking at home, etc.

 

Alright, that's some solid advice. I had no idea it was a bad idea for a second date, mainly because she suggested it so I went with her idea. I do have the tendency to come off a bit strong I think, so hopefully I haven't ruined it for good. Would be nice to restore what we had by going slow.

[Redguitar35]

If she’s not prepared to have sex within 1-2 dates, I say forget her and move on and find a girl who will. Cut her off completely!

[newyorker11356]

If she’s not prepared to have sex within 1-2 dates, I say forget her and move on and find a girl who will. Cut her off completely!

 

Yeah, OP, don't listen to this - lol

[Grey40]

Sounds to me like she gave you the green light and you didn’t capitalize. Did you try on the cooking date to make more of a move? When you cuddling watching Netflix did you try to go for more than just the make out? If not, you should have. With enough easing into it and getting her turned on, you might have been able to make it happen. She could have felt rejected or maybe senses your weakness which made her feel a lot less attracted to you.

[TheFinalWord]

Alright, that's some solid advice. I had no idea it was a bad idea for a second date, mainly because she suggested it so I went with her idea. I do have the tendency to come off a bit strong I think, so hopefully I haven't ruined it for good. Would be nice to restore what we had by going slow.

 

I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea, but usually home-based dates equate to sex. You confirmed it by asking her to stay the night. I don't think you've ruined anything. Most of us have a tendency to come on a bit strong if we like someone. I am the same way. But you have to control it, even if you are feeling it emotionally. Even though you like her, just keep telling yourself you really don't know her and you don't want to fall into giving her respect she hasn't earned yet. Just because a girl is attractive and can come across nice during a few early dates, basically means nothing. You don't have to come across cold, but try not to let yourself fall too hard or project this image of perfection onto her so early on.

 

She seems to still be contacting you. So, I would ask her out on a date, but just try to go a bit slower. Ask her on another date, but just pick something more traditional. If she blows you off, then I would recommend to move on.

[Maggie4]

It's supposed to be like this, LOL. You are both young. Young love often full of delicious torment, hahaha... This is part of old fashioned courtship - the suspense, excitement, anticipation, seduction. Don't get all cynical, applying rules you've read, or get all fearful or angry. Yeah, take it slow. No need to talk everyday. Leave a bit of mystery. Should only move forward like seeing each other once a week or so. You've got money - ask her out to a romantic restaurant.

[act00]

One thing I have to say is if you're interested in her, don't leave the ball in her court 100%. You still need to take some initiative to ask her out, romance her, reach out with some communication, and show interest.

 

I have no idea what the definition of "go slow" is. You seemed to be going pretty slow with no major makeouts on the sofa and no major push for sex. The number of times the "stay over" talk has happened for me (I'm older)...I mean, we both want it, but someone has to put the fences up, or the speed bumps...it's not necessarily a bad thing to want to stay over and express it, even being clear sex is off the table. This desire and request could have been too much too soon for her, but I don't think you exhibited pants-driven behavior either, not necessarily naughty and sinister.

 

Look, I don't know if she's decided she's just not into you or if she has some fear or needs to take a step back, but I think it's worth reaching out and taking what you can get, at least until you determine the arrangements are or are not working for you. The bottom line is if she's too busy, too fearful, or is otherwise unable to be available to date frequently and move forward to more intimacy, you have to decide if you want to wait it out or move on. Don't wait it out too long. I mean, you can decide to wait it out to see how spring break goes or summer break when school and finals aren't an issue and excuses are gone, but if still no momentum and desire, you're done. Move on. It's really up to you.

 

I don't understand this sudden duck and run. She's either not that into you or she's scared to death of this thing that's happening, like maybe love, and she's shutting down or putting the brakes on, hard. Decide your boundaries, breaking point, timeline...don't leave her to do all the work reaching out because "the ball is in her court". You could ditch the whole thing right now if you wanted. If you want her, you'll put in some effort.

[canadaman817]

Glad you guys were able to start a relationship. Honestly, for some girls, even kissing within the first few dates is taking it fast. I had several times where my now-wife wanted me to slow down when I didn't think I was moving fast. It sounds like you guys had better communication at first but are now struggling to keep it up through texts. You're probably going to have to be patient at this point until she's willing to meet up face-to-face and talk this out, which will hopefully happen soon. It sounds like you've got honorable intentions in wanting to respect her and not just go for sex, and being a gentleman will definitely pay off if the relationship ends up progressing further. You've already proven to her you can move slower, and she will hopefully respond to that. Best of luck and I hope the communication improves!

[lurker74]

Eh, I wouldn't say this is always 100% factual. Some people truly can't focus on dating while they have other stressful things going on in their life, even if they do like a person.

 

Sad does of reality, OP: When a girl is really into you, everything else falls away, at least at first. If she's telling you she wants to slow down, it typically means one of three things:

 

1) She's not that into you

2) She's interested in someone else and likes him more

3) She has herpes and is afraid to let it escalate

 

(The third is only partially a joke - it's a real thing)

[newyorker11356]

Sad does of reality, OP: When a girl is really into you, everything else falls away, at least at first. If she's telling you she wants to slow down, it typically means one of three things:

 

1) She's not that into you

2) She's interested in someone else and likes him more

3) She has herpes and is afraid to let it escalate

 

(The third is only partially a joke - it's a real thing)

 

Again, not 100% the case for every situation. Granted, I'll give you that it's used as a cop-out response a lot of the time, but it's not always the case.

 

How do I know? Because there were times in the past where I liked a girl, but I simply couldn't be in a relationship for my own reasons (had issues of my own in my early 20's). It really was me, and not them. I wouldn't have been a good relationship partner for them at that time. I needed to be on my own and figure things out. That's where timing plays into things.

 

You have to look at the woman objectively and get a sense of if she's telling the truth or not. I often can tell if she's simply using it as a cop-out response, or the truth.

 

I know plenty of stories that started out with at least one party wanting to slow it down, and/or not wanting to be in a serious relationship right now, and they're now together (one couple is even married). Heck, one of my relationships in the past started out this way.

Edited March 12, 2018 by newyorker11356

[PRW]

I start overthinking about asking her to sleep over,

 

Pow! Bullet to the left foot

 

and I text her to apologize for asking her to sleep over

 

Pow! Bullet to the right foot

 

The first bullet was for coming across as a horny teenager just wanting to get laid. The second bullet was for the apology that made you look weak.

 

and that I don't want to come off as if I'm only into her for that very reason.

 

Too late. You already did that. You can't take back the words or actions.

Give her space. See if she contacts you. In the meantime, go on dates with some others without worrying if you'll get laid. Just hangout and have fun with them,...it will "dull" the obsession with the first girl and let you think more clearly.

 

Obsessed with the first one? Yea, well, you did try to get laid on the second date and posted a really large message on a message board on the internet when it went sideways.

 

{sigh} If only I could be 22 again.