dos123 Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 I apologise in advance for how long this may turn out but I REALLY need some help/advice. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years and now I want out. We were 17 when we met, she was a year ahead of me in school but we are the same age (there’s 3 days between our birthdays). We met in the summer of 2013 and instantly fell for each other. 6 months in I messed up and kissed another girl, I begged for her not to leave me and she didn’t. Everything went back to normal shortly after. Fast forward to September 2015 and I was getting ready to start college whilst she was simultaneously transferring from one university to the one I was starting in. she knew nobody in the city and we were so in love that somehow we ended up moving in together (we were 19 and together 2yrs). That Christmas she kissed a guy she worked with on a drunken night out. I forgave her instantly as it seemed only fair given my mess up 2 years previous. Fast forward 12 months and it happened again with another guy she worked with on a night out. This time I forgave her because the thought of breaking up and being alone was too terrifying. Fast forward another 12 months and she slept with a dude at a small house party. Again the fear of such huge life change was completely paralysing. In an immature and ridiculous attempt to make peace with it in my own head, I got close with her sister whom she doesn’t get along with and we kissed on several occasions (in hindsight, not my proudest moment, and ridiculously immature). We stayed together but ever since, slowly over time I have begun to resent her. I rarely see my friends as every time I spend time with them she makes me feel extremely guilty for leaving her on her own (she’s an introvert and not particularly sociable). I know ow unhealthy this is and my friends and family have noticed and commented on it several times. 8 months after she slept with that other dude and 1 month after our 4 year anniversary we went on holidays together for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks I came to realise that I needed and wanted out of this relationship (even though I still love her). I decided I couldn’t leave immediately because she was heading into her final year in college and she needed to do well to secure a good degree. Leaving then could have possibly jeopardised her final degree grade and I didn’t want that (PS due to some poor decisions about college courses, I currently have 3.5 years of college left while she has 3 months). With her finishing college soon she has asked me to commit to moving away from home full time (we currently both travel home at the weekends to work our part time jobs). This is a commitment I am not willing to make due to work and also that my mother has been unwell for several years and only has 5-7 years left to live. I am not willing to sacrifice seeing and spending time with her regularly. She is due to start 6 months of chemotherapy soon also. Lastly, we both want different things in life. After college she wants to move abroad to work (the US or Australia – we live in Ireland), and she doesn’t really plan on coming home. I, however, am a home-bird and do not wish to move abroad indefinitely (travelling or working abroad for a few years is something I don’t mind). Unfortunately, every time she talks about the future or asks me to make commitments about our future, oi tell her what she wants to hear as I do not want to address the issues until she has completed her final exams. I know this will lead me to blindsiding her somewhat. Although, when drunk, we have both admitted to being unhappy at times. For me the spark is gone and I know things aren’t going to improve – we have talked about our problems in the past and worked through them. I no longer want to keep working for a relationship that no longer excites me or that I am no longer happy in. Not sure what I am expecting from this – maybe some cold hard truths? Anybody else been in a similar long term (almost 5 years now) relationship and broke up?
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 First paragraphs are your friends. Please use them. If you have talked & agreed the spark is gone, just end it. Say we both know this has run it's course; I think it's time we go our own way. You don't have to be mean about it; no name calling etc. Just collect your stuff. Be pleasant when you run into each other on campus but don't drag things out. Tell her you don't want her to postpone her dream of going to US or Australia but you are on a different path.
Author dos123 Posted March 5, 2018 Author Posted March 5, 2018 First paragraphs are your friends. Please use them. If you have talked & agreed the spark is gone, just end it. Say we both know this has run it's course; I think it's time we go our own way. You don't have to be mean about it; no name calling etc. Just collect your stuff. Be pleasant when you run into each other on campus but don't drag things out. Tell her you don't want her to postpone her dream of going to US or Australia but you are on a different path. Will edit now, sorry! I know it will break her heart, but i also know I'm making excuses to avoid finding the courage!! Ugh! Thanks for the advice!
rickwman Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 I'm sorry you are experiencing this. The stress and pressures of being in school can be a great strain on a relationship. Throughout your school experience, there are new opportunities, relationships that happen. Plus based on your ages, maturity and life's expectations can change as well. Both of you need to be with someone you love and care for without 'red flags' showing up. Remain strong, hopeful and have a giving, loving heart that you can share with someone.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 Will edit now, sorry! I know it will break her heart, but i also know I'm making excuses to avoid finding the courage!! Ugh! Thanks for the advice! OP, do you think she was considering your heart when she hooked up with all these other guys? The girl is not in love with you. You two have gotten so used to each other that you aren't able to acknowledge that you should have broken up long ago. She is not trustworthy and your self-respect is in the toilet. People who love each other don't have all these "oopsie!" moments. And yes, I have ended a couple of long-term, live-in relationships in my life. I don't regret ending either of them. You won't regret this either, but you likely would regret staying with her when she cheats on you yet again.
Whodatdog Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 You are both still very young with a lot of life experiences in front of you. Your heart is already done with the relationship, you now need to physically remove yourself. However you do it, always be kind.
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