LDR is the love flame fading in my relationship? s and !

[Terry8889]

Hi, I have been dating a man 21 yrs older than me for almost a year. We are in a long distance relationship, in the same country but more than 1,500 miles away from each other. We met online and met in person after about 4 months of talking. He was the sweetest guy I have ever dated, he used to treat me like a princess. He seemed to be very in love with me, and we spent about a month together over the Summer. We had normal disagreements here and there but nothing big. From the very beginning I worried about us being so far away and told him we might not work out but he insisted distance can be overcome and I believed him.

 

He always insisted I should move with him to his state and then we figure out where to establish our lives living together. At first I told him yes, but after visiting him in his state I didn't like the environment the neighborhood and the isolation. There was not much to do there. I told him I didn't like it there, and he said we would move somewhere closer to the city. He was willing to break his rent contract, get me a car so I would be happy there. I insisted I wasn't sure. Mainly because in the back of my mind I was afraid of us not working out in the, end and I'd would have been left to fend on my own in a different state where I didn't know anybody. I felt like I was taking a huge risk by moving there and leaving everything behind.

 

Because of it he then started changing his behavior, nothing drastic but he was not "so into me" anymore per say. He always said he loved me but like the love flame started to fade away little by little. He would still be loving but not like before. So I thought well no biggie, it usually happens in the relationships as time progresses. A month later, I had an unexpected housing situation and basically was left with nowhere to go on January this year. I told him about my situation and asked if I could move in with him. He flat out said no, he said I had told him how much I don't like the area where he lives, and now I was telling him I want to go there. He said I wanted to just because I have no other choice. It was understandable that he would feel that way but I didn't have nowhere else to go, I was going to be basically homeless by the end of the month.

 

I got upset about it, because I felt like he didn't love me enough to help me in a extreme situation like that regardless of what I had say in the past. So I ended up figuring things out and solving my housing situation without him. That hurt me and we had a big argument, both even talked about breaking up for a moment, but later talked things out and continued our relationship. Now I have solved my housing situation and I am currently looking for a job bc I recently graduated from college. We agreed that he will apply for jobs here in my state and move in with me, but his options are narrowed bc of his profession. There is no guarantee that he will find a job here, and he can only apply over the end of the school year bc he is a college professor. I am afraid he won't find a job and that we won't be able to be together for another year and a half if not longer.

 

After we had that last big argument he has been more distant. We used to talk on the phone every morning before work, and video chat all night long even while sleeping. Now we don't do any of that. I know he has a busy schedule and he tries his best to send me a message here and there, but in the past he used to find the time to at least call me or keep more communication flowing. This past few weeks we have barely video chatted or talked on the phone. I feel neglected bc we are not connected as it is and now reduced communication is affecting me and us. I don't feel happy at all, I feel lonely most of the time. He still says he loves me very much and that he is applying for jobs to move here with me but idk what to think.

 

Sometimes I think I should've just moved in with him when he still wanted me to. I love him and don't want to lose him. I have talked to him asked him why he has changed, he says he is busy when he gets home he is tired. To top it off one of his cousins is battling cancer in the hospital and has been told he has 3-6 months to live. He has been in contact with his family a lot bc they live in a different state and spends hours over the phone at night when he gets home from work, which is restricting even more our already limited communication. I understand his family situation but it shouldn't put a weight on our relationship to the point we don't even talk.

 

Tonight I asked him if he wanted to continue with me he said yes, I asked what are we gonna do if he cant find a job here and said he doesnt know. I asked if he would still want me to move there with him he said he doesnt know bc he cant get out of his mind the fact that I didnt want to in the first place. I asked if he would want to break up so he can deal with his family issues he said he doesnt know. So basically I was left in the limbo, I thought he'd be more positive about us and say things like dont worry we will get through this, we will work things out, we wont let this get between us but he didnt say any of that. I asked him why he said bc we are thousands of miles away. So I said does that mean there is not point of us "fighting" to be together? he said "idk Im just being honest". I asked if he still loved me and he said yes, he said us going through this, his family issues, him possibly being unable to find a job in my state doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I am extremely upset about this situation but he doesn't seem to be bothered or at least he isnt showing it. I asked him what he wants and he said he wants what is best for us and I asked what is that? and he said he doesnt know. I asked if he wanted me to give him space for a few weeks to deal with his family issues an he said he wants me to do what I think it's best for me.

 

At this point I basically don't know where I stand or what is going to happen. I feel like he is resentful at the fact I didn't want to move with him. And I dont understand why while he says "he loves me" he is not positive about us being together or at least assuring me we will get through this. Any thoughts, opinions or advice will be appreciated.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Terry8889

[winny]

First of all sorry about this situation.

 

Secondly, look at the big picture. If this is meant to be. It will be.

Now that you have a place to live... just go easy on him for some time.

STOP having all these heavy conversations... it gets so exhausting.

Why do you need so much re-assurance whether he loves you or not?!

 

Play it cool.

 

If things do not improve in say 6 months then break up with him.

It seems to me that you no longer have a problem to move in with him. But because you did not take the offer before he is unsure of your intentions.

So, don't bring all this up for some time and see what happens.Then few months later you can ask if you guys should move in together. If he still acts unsure then break up.

[Chilli]

Yeah , l agree with winny.

[d0nnivain]

You can't go from an LDR to living together. You barely know this guy. You haven't even known him for a whole year & you have spent, what a month with him? It's ridiculous to think about uprooting your whole life to go be with him in an area you would not have chosen to live in but for him. At most you relocate independently & date conventionally for at least 1 full year before even thinking about cohabitating.

 

This man wants a companion, any companion. He doesn't really care if it's you or somebody else as long as a live body lives with him to ease his loneliness. Depending on your ages he may also be seeking a caregiver for his old age.

 

He love bombed you to get what he wants. Now that you are hesitating to move in with him, he's pulling back because you are not giving him what he wants.

 

Let go of this fantasy & date somebody closer to home.

[Versacehottie]

I think you guys are just beginning to hit "real life".

 

It's normal that no one can sustain the first glow of infatuation. Sounds like that is fading (as it does) and when that is removed due to time passing and a few realizations on both sides that there are incompatibilities, there isn't a ton left between you.

 

I think you may just have to face the fact that you are far apart in points in life You are just starting out and have lots of opportunities and directions you could go and he is more settled and less able to do that; in addition what you want out of lifestyle is different--evidenced by where he chooses to live vs what you would choose.

 

You are also learning more about each other. He has a bit of a tendency to pull back and shut down when there has been an argument. It does sound like he is reconsidering the plausibility and differences you would face by being a couple--realistically now vs consumed with infatuation at the beginning. It's not hard to believe because essentially you did/are doing the same thing. Honestly, I think you have your whole life in front of you---which will be influenced if you make huge decisions by following a guy to some state where your opportunities to have the life you want are limited/not enjoyable. There would be tremendous pressure on you two if he moved to your state to start a life with you there. I don't disagree at all with what he said about not letting you move in when you had no place to live--those are the wrong reasons.

 

Sometimes you just need to accept that a great romance was meant to be for one point in time not necessarily to keep going indefinitely. Good luck

[kendahke]

I think he did you a huge favor by saying "no".

 

Some relationships aren't meant to be and this looks like one of those. One can love a person and still be so disappointed in/hurt about what they said that one totally backs up, energetically and won't return. You saying you didn't want to live where he lived seems to have been taken as a rejection of him, and that isn't going to sit well going forward.

 

You're only wanting to move in with him because you didn't know where you were going to stay, not because you want to start a life with him there. He knows your friends/life aren't where he lives. If your housing situation didn't go the way it did, you wouldn't want to move in with him and he knows that because you said it. He sees through what you're saying now. Don't insult his intelligence on top of everything else. You said it and meant it.

 

Had he let you move in, it was just a matter of time before your dislike of where he lives became full blown hate and resentment because he's dragging his feet on where you want to live, even though it means diminished career opportunities for him. I'm sure you're not down for supporting him indefinitely while he's out of work...

 

This involvement has run its course. Spending time with someone only once for a few weeks does not constitute a relationship--you have to be in close proximity for there to be a relationship. Electronic pen pal arrangements and long distance phone calls are the not same thing as in-person interaction, which relationships need.

 

Everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, but once the "representatives on their best behavior" are dismissed, then the real them comes to the fore. This is the real him you are now seeing--you'd have met this aspect of him by the 6 month mark had you two lived in close proximity to one another. You've had an extended honeymoon phase and in any other regular relationship, this would have been over a long time ago.

 

It's past midnight now. The carriage and horses are a pumpkin and some mice and you're not a princess anymore--you're a human with clay feet and the real him is treating the real you as such.

 

Because you've already talked about breaking up, that adds to the rejection you dished out at him before you needed his help and he knows that. That is the beauty of age and wisdom: we can see this stuff playing out in front of us.

[smackie9]

Packing up your life and moving to be with someone you have spent very little physical time with will end up in regret. We have see this stuff unfold on here for years. There have been women on here that were practically homeless, jobless with no money for a plane ticket home, and heart broken. If you plan to go, make sure you are financially stable enough to take care of yourself if you do find yourself on your own in a strange city with no friends to support you.

[Terry8889]

I understand what all of you guys are saying. I didn't move in with him at first was because I knew it was to soon and too risky to move out of state. That is why I didn't want to initially. He said he never meant to live where he is right now but did so because of his job. Before he met me, he had planned to move to California with his brother, to be around him and his family because he felt lonely where he currently is. When we just met, he tried to convince me to go with to California which is all the way on the other side of the country. At first of course I said no way because I had just met him. Whenever we talk about our relationship and the moving situation. He often brings up the fact that he is willing to forget about his plan to move near his brother and instead come to live with me even though he doesnt like it much where I live either. Once I told him that if he felt so strongly about being close to his family I didnt want to be in the way, he said he wants to be with me and have a family of our own together. Today he has been acting like nothing had happened last night and the fact that I was upset. Idk if he doesnt really care anymore or he is just ignoring it to avoid stress. I know he is dealing with having a terminally ill cousin and he has been talking about it for the last few weeks. Last night he said his brothers best friend passed away yesterday and thats why we couldnt talk last night when I asked if we could talk about us over the phone. I dont want to be or sound insensitive but I feel like he is putting other people's problems get in between us. We have some issues of our own going on, and whenever I try to talk about us and whats gonna happen he instantly gets upset and all he says is "idk...idk". This is very frustrating.

[Versacehottie]

It's kinda real life that you need to be able to weather the things, good and bad, that go on in life without always expecting to have your relationship be front and center. It's life that you will see someone at their best, as you have seen him at the beginning, and then through harder times. You are still learning about each other. I would take it in because it's valuable information--rather than dismiss it and try to get back to an intense infatuation stage or feeling. If you are really trying to build a life with someone, this is how each of you act in stressful situations. and the dynamic with each other.

 

To me, there are too many roadblocks to go through this or expect a good outcome with each other. good luck

[kendahke]

I dont want to be or sound insensitive but I feel like he is putting other people's problems get in between us. We have some issues of our own going on, and whenever I try to talk about us and whats gonna happen he instantly gets upset and all he says is "idk...idk". This is very frustrating.

 

People treat you the way they feel about you.

 

Sounds to me that in his mind, you've been demoted and your expectations are being managed.

 

If he is unwilling to do what he needs to do, but he's not taking responsibility for his decisions and is instead making you decide whether or not you have an involvement with him, then he's pretty much checked out. He may love you, but he's not going to arse himself for you--that much is clear from what you've written about him--and the distance makes this really easy to do because you're not in his space on a day to day basis.

 

The people he's putting ahead of you right now are people who are close to him, have grown up with him or are related to him. You've been in a long distance relationship for a year and have only spent time with him once, so no, he's not going to put you ahead of those people right now, especially someone he's about to lose to a terminal illness.

 

I believe he's doing the "idk, idk" because he isn't interested in taking on your needs at this moment but doesn't want to come across as the bad guy.

[Terry8889]

Do you guys think I should prepare for a possible break up?

He knows I am going through a very difficult time myself but as I mentioned before communication is now limited. IDK if my situation is adding stress on him. And he just doesnt want to deal with me for now. He told last night that the fact he is willing to give up his idea of him moving close to his brothe andr instead moving to my state should tell me something. Idk what that means, he said there is nothing he can do about us being moving together besides applying for jobs in my area and I know that. What it sucks is that it's always me who wants to put things on the table, and talk about problems. He always says dont worry we will figure things out, and when I ask how he says "idk". I told him he is not even offering solutions, and he said he doesn't know what to do. If we both really wanted to make this work he'd be offering solutions, talking to me and not let me wonder whats gonna happen. I told him I wouldnt want to wait forever for him to find a job and move here, he said you dont have to wait for me forever, I want you to do what's best for you. I feel like im the only one deciding in the relationship. Honestly I expect more involvement from a 51 yr old. Anyway what do you guys think I should do?

Edited March 5, 2018 by Terry8889

[kendahke]

He told last night that the fact he is willing to give up his idea of him moving close to his brothe andr instead moving to my state should tell me something.

 

Why does he make it sound like he's giving up a kidney for someone who slapped his mother?

 

Willing to do something and doing it--putting actual action behind it--are two different things. People will say anything to keep the status quo. It's the fact that he won't decide so that you can make an informed decision yourself.

 

If he doesn't know what to do, then he's not a decisive kind of person and he's not interested in researching what it will take so he can have a more definitive answer for you. That right there says a lot about how he esteems you.

 

I told him I wouldn't want to wait forever for him to find a job and move here, he said you dont have to wait for me forever, I want you to do what's best for you.

 

Yeah... he doesn't want to be the bad guy, so he's not going to tell you that it's best that he goes and handles what needs to be handled and you do the same.

 

IMO, cutting this off is the best thing you can do. How much more of your youth are you willing to squander behind this indecisive guy? If you're 12 years younger than him, then you certainly don't want to spend your 40's waiting on someone who knows right now that he's not going to give you more than he's able to muster today.

[Whodatdog]

The only way a LDR will work, is if there is a resolution and a plan for the end of the LD part. There is no resolution here, no path to the end. This relationship is not sustainable, Im afraid.

[Versacehottie]

Why does he make it sound like he's giving up a kidney for someone who slapped his mother?

 

Willing to do something and doing it--putting actual action behind it--are two different things. People will say anything to keep the status quo. It's the fact that he won't decide so that you can make an informed decision yourself.

 

If he doesn't know what to do, then he's not a decisive kind of person and he's not interested in researching what it will take so he can have a more definitive answer for you. That right there says a lot about how he esteems you.

 

 

 

Yeah... he doesn't want to be the bad guy, so he's not going to tell you that it's best that he goes and handles what needs to be handled and you do the same.

 

IMO, cutting this off is the best thing you can do. How much more of your youth are you willing to squander behind this indecisive guy? If you're 12 years younger than him, then you certainly don't want to spend your 40's waiting on someone who knows right now that he's not going to give you more than he's able to muster today.

 

i think the OP said she is 21 years younger than her bf. To me, that is probably playing into how he is dealing with this somewhat. He might have the forethought and sense to realize that it is a longshot at best, combined with the distance having not spent much real time together and with the age difference it's a bigger risk--considering the OP might change, grow and change her mind.

 

She has said as much with "i'm not going to wait forever statement"...which is totally fair realistically but comes off as scary and an ultimatum to the person on the other end. However, she kinda still wants the fairy tale part of the deal combined with statements like that, her guy is just becoming a realist. That she will pull the plug and change her mind if she can't get what she want. Same really goes for him--though he may not express it as much. Being so much older and seemingly less emotional, it's a bigger risk for him. That's my take. I don't think either of them is doing anything wrong per se. They are just at an impasse and perhaps one of them is coming to terms with reality before the other. I think either party should be wary if the other one doesn't support them through real hard times (red flag) OR exaggerates the "hard" times they are "having" to avoid dealing with issues in the relationship (red flag). I also think OP's sense of urgency is ramped up due to her own living situation, not necessarily being in real love with this guy.

 

And yes OP, I think you should prepare to possibly break up (maybe shore up your emotions). Though I will always say that your best way to proceed as if you are going to continue in the relationship if that is indeed what you want. You will come up with the best compromises and true solutions and understandings of one another if you can do this. Honestly though I think you should break up--as an outsider I don't see enough to fight for to stay together. Good luck

[Terry8889]

Hi, thanks to all the people that are taking the time to read and reply to my thread your opinions and advice are much appreciated. I have a little update, so we finally talked tonight through videochat. We messaged throughout the day whenever he could. He didn't bring up the conversation about us, I did bc I couldn't just ignore whats going on. Last night I suggested I would give him space and that maybe we should take a break for a couple of weeks. Tonight he says he has been thinking about it and agreed that maybe we should take a break for a couple of weeks but not cut communication entirely. He suggested we keep things cool and only video chat at night to tell about each others day, so we have something to talk about. Lately we videochat and talk but theres not much to say anymore bc we have been in constant contact basically 24/7 for almost a year. So it was getting boring for both of us. Anyway so he said that'd give us the opportunity to miss each other and have things to talk about when we talk. And that'll give us some time with deal with our personal issue (his terminally ill cousin and my job search) I agree with what he says, but I'm afraid this might pull us apart. He said he didnt think so. Anyway I agreed with him but in the back of my mind I feel like things might be coming to an end. I asked if he still was down to moving to my state and he said he is and that he wants to be with me bc he loves me. At this point im going to proceed with caution and get psychologically ready for either outcome.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Terry8889

[Versacehottie]

Ok, well a break is probably the best thing right now. Honestly, I think you should 100% concentrate on getting a job or your career going.

 

I think of it like this that with so many things within your life in flux, it's difficult to make the best decisions for your life. You need a beacon--something that you are working toward that will shape the decisions that involve the rest of your life. As long as you are not a workaholic and at the stage where you are, career is a great one. It will help you decide where you want to live, who you want to socialize with, what you'd like to do with your free time and gives more purpose and direction to your life. Without that, you won't likely make the best decisions in the moment with whoever you are dating--because you will make him your purpose and goal rather than you overall. This certainly won't be the best in the long run. Look at it like this: if you could live you ideal life--career, personal, romantic and social what would it look like?