Is breaking no contact ever justified?

[Isle]

Is breaking no contact ever justified and, can any good come doing so? And by good I don't necessarily mean a full reconciliation; just a possible avenue to a positive dialogue with a person who you once called your best friend.

 

Speaking from the perspective of someone who was dumped by a partner of almost a decade, I was wondering if, in the case of a relationship in which blame can be attributed to both parties, but arguably more so the person who was dumped (again, myself, in this case), is it ever justified to break no contact in order to "set the record straight" and apologise?

 

I've been mulling things over recently. Possibly a little too much since Valentine’s Day, if I'm honest. Although I don't intend to make contact, I have been wondering if reconciliation or genuine friendship (not with benefits or any other ulterior motive) is ever possible if one of the party (or both, preferably) accept fault and make contact. Can amends ever be made, especially if a relationship was good for the vast majority of the time?

 

I don't subscribe to fate, or star-crossed lovers who were made to be together, but I do wonder just how many relationships have ended permanently, because someone hasn't been willing to accept a degree of fault and make it clear to other person. Even if that person was the dumper. We live such relatively short lives, and in a society that seemingly prefers to throw things away rather than attempt to fix, it seems such a shame that efforts are rarely made in order to right whatever wrongs lead to the end of a relationship.

 

We so often hear stories of people who have maintained no contact from the off (myself included), right the way through to the point where their ex becomes a stranger, a blurred face in a day dream at best. But how many people have taken the opposite approach and actually reached out and offered a proverbial olive branch? And if so, how did it work out?

 

Sorry for the ramble

 

Isle.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Isle
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[ExpatInItaly]

I've been offered the proverbial olive branch before.

 

Unfortunately, it came too late. I had tried to explain the issues I felt we had, and how we could have resolved them (so as to avoid a break-up) I saw very little action on his part, and I eventually lost the desire to fix them too.

 

After we had split, he did try to apologize and promised to change. My heart just wasn't in it anymore, so we both moved on.

 

I think a lot of your question depends on the specific circumstances of the break-up, though. What were the issues that led to it?

[d0nnivain]

It depends.

 

If your SO dumped you in the heat of the moment after you did something wrong, reaching out to apologize could be beneficial. However, if this was a long time coming, nothing you say will change things

 

As the dumpee, NC is designed to protect you. It helps you, the heartbroken one, from debasing yourself by begging & pleading. It gives you time & space to heal & lick your wounds.

 

Only a few weeks out, I don't think enough time has passed to allow you two to have some sort of closure conversation. I suppose my answer could change depending on what you meant by "set the record straight." If you plan to own up to something you did wrong, that might lead to healing. If it's anything else, it's too soon. You need a lot of time, like a year plus to be able to be friendly, which is a very watered down version of friends.

[Isle]

I've been offered the proverbial olive branch before.

 

Unfortunately, it came too late. I had tried to explain the issues I felt we had, and how we could have resolved them (so as to avoid a break-up) I saw very little action on his part, and I eventually lost the desire to fix them too.

 

After we had split, he did try to apologize and promised to change. My heart just wasn't in it anymore, so we both moved on.

 

I think a lot of your question depends on the specific circumstances of the break-up, though. What were the issues that led to it?

 

I was talking more hypothetically really, although in my case, and in light of me thinking about things waaayy too deeply lately, I started to wonder just what fault/s could be attributed to me. Most of what I came up with was an over exaggeration on my part; I had to remind myself that she wasn't exactly supportive of my choices.

 

I boiled it down to this though - I wanted to return to university, she was about to turn 30 and wanted kids and marriage. My decision (that I stuck with), would have meant that aspect of life wouldn't have been possible for at least three years. I didn't approach the situation in the best possible way. I made my choice and didn't want to deviate from it. However, at no point did she open a dialogue with me and express her concerns. Not once. In my case, I wonder if I'd promted her into talking about her concerns, whether or not any of this would have happened.

 

I don't intend to break contact (5 months almost now), but still, it got me thinking about how talking over issues can *potentially* resolve them for the best.

[d0nnivain]

Talking may not have resolved this because it would not stop her ticking biological clock, but I think you finally got the real lesson here: You talk before the break up comes & that could possibly prevent the break up.

 

Going back to apologize now won't fix anything.

[basil67]

Same story as Expat here. While in the marriage, I made it very clear that I was unhappy and what I needed in order to change it. He refused to change and refused counselling. Eventually, I had had enough and left.

 

He immediately offered the olive branch with apologies and promises to change, but for me, it was too late. Friendship was not possible because he wanted more than friendship. Not to mention that it's really disrespectful to future partners to have an ex hanging around.

[Young mind]

Extremely valid points made, it's amazing the number of breakups which really become permanent because of pride, more so, I believe it's the culture which marinates most breakups.

 

People are forcibly taught to erase their exes , discard them, treat them like permanent dirt, "ex is an ex, move on to the next one ", when you run into each other avoid like a plaque etc, it's hard to imagine most partners who were so close become strangers and a distant memory. No one really gets closure anymore, some will say "closure comes from within" but after reading a lot of posts here and online, the idealistic post-breakup "guides" are far from reality.

 

Im very glad when I read a post and someone described how he/she begged or try to explain his/her feelings or apologized, I believe that is mature, and I can sit on the alpha/beta bollocking for whoever believes in such nonsense.Before this forum I didn't know what NC meant, for me if anyone applies NC after hearing the magical sentence, its a joke , if the issues of the breakup aren't laid out, regardless of who did the dumping.

[mikeylo]

Not to mention that it's really disrespectful to future partners to have an ex hanging around.

 

This.

 

You wouldn't believe how many future relationships end because of the ex still lingering around but despite of it, most people don't learn.