Author Cooper04 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Posted March 18, 2018 I get the distinct impression this woman is afraid of sex. As her timeline drew closer to the 3 month mark, she is finding all sorts of excuses to delay it. And it has nothing to do with you. Yes, I do think it's possible she's a virgin, she has vaginismus, or there was some kind of sexual trauma. Imo, most likely one of the first two. I was an older virgin (32) for circumstantial reasons relating to my health/the types of men I attracted (emotionally unavailable), and I know a few others who were, too. All I wanted was to be in a mutually loving relationship and it didn't happen until then. So this is not outside of the realm of possibility. The stereotypes about virgins can really miss the mark, they certainly did for me, so I wouldn't rule it out on the basis of her personality. As you get older, it starts to hold more stigma and feels built up to be more than it is, so you have to make a conscious effort to push through the judgment and be vulnerable enough to admit the truth. I was very clear with my boyfriend what I needed and what my situation was so he wasn't left hanging. A relative of mine had vaginismus and I recall that in the beginning even half a finger elicited pain. It can take many months and even therapy to work through this. Whatever the case, this woman seems to be allowing her fears to rule the day and isn't communicating with you...so I'm sorry to say, it's probably best that you cut your losses since she does not seem to be available for a healthy relationship. Analyzing why will just drive you mad, especially since I'm sure it has nothing to do with you. I am fairly certain she's not a virgin, she was in a relationship that lasted 5 years, and she also told me she last had sex 18 months ago. But she's also told me her ex was abusive, certainly verbally but I think possibly also physically. So she may carry some trauma from that. I haven't heard from her since wednesday now, I'll call her tomorrow and see if our date next friday is still happening. Either way, I need to talk to her and ask her straight out what's happening. Thanks again to all of you for your advice!
salparadise Posted March 18, 2018 Posted March 18, 2018 The question you should be asking is why you haven't blocked this girl out of your life. You're not happy. A partner should be someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes the world easier to face. That's not what she's giving you. Instead you're spending all your time trying to figure out her odd behavior. I would end things with her. The time you're spending worrying over this woman could be better spent finding someone who makes you feel good about yourself and doesn't have the baggage she has. I don't care what her baggage is, that's not your problem. I agree. You aren't getting any satisfaction here, sexual or otherwise. She likes keeping you on the string without giving anything. The way I see it, when you start dating someone there is mutual obligation to contact each other, entertain, and spend quality time together. Of course you have to consider schedules and prior obligations, but that's not what's going on here. This "relationship" if you can even call it that is a one-way deal. Even if you managed to get things going a little better soon, you know that this overall dynamic is gong to be persistent and a complete frustration. I get it––you paid your dues and sex should've happened by now. Cut your losses, man. She has issues, and you're only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
PRW Posted March 18, 2018 Posted March 18, 2018 Yes,...she lost interest that quickly. You both showed a lack of discipline and a lack of impulse control in rushing everything. You gave the impression that you only wanted to get in her pants. The trip was totally "over-the-top" came across clearly as a bribe for sex. She said she didn't want to have sex for three months, but then contradicted herself with everything she did after that. Just as the trip was beginning the emotional "high" she felt wore off and she started thinking more clearly. Everything after that was completely and totally predictable.
Redguitar35 Posted March 18, 2018 Posted March 18, 2018 This is actually a solid post from you. I just know what it's like to be in a dysfunctional relationship, which is why I gave up on them.
newyorker11356 Posted March 18, 2018 Posted March 18, 2018 I just know what it's like to be in a dysfunctional relationship, which is why I gave up on them. Not all relationships are dysfunctional.
Author Cooper04 Posted March 19, 2018 Author Posted March 19, 2018 Probably my last update on this situation. Tried calling her last night, she didn't pick up. So I texted her a friendly message that we needed to talk. She wrote back she would call me later, but didn't. She called me tonight. I barely had time to say hello before she asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I felt we had been drifting apart and wandered what was up. She initially denied it, saying she'd been busy and didn't understand what I was talking about. She then admitted, after I pushed her, she was unsure about us, she wanted to create space to see if she would miss me and think about me more. She wasn't sure if we were a match, so wanted to slow things down while we got to know eachother better. Every step of the way, I had to drag the words out of her. First she wouldn't admit there was a problem, then I needed to spoonfeed her why there was a problem, what the problem was etc. She still wanted to meet this friday, but I got the feeling she meant as 'friends'. I told her I wasn't interested in that. Instead I suggested we give it a few weeks, then get back in touch to see if we wanted to try again. She jumped at that idea. But I also made it clear I would not sit around and wait for her. The final nail in the coffin, like I mentioned she deleted all dating apps from my phone after 2 weeks together. I reinstalled the app I met her on tonight, her profile is still active, she's updated all her pics and she's been online today. So pretty sure she's been there the whole time. She wasn't dating anyone else before our trip, but wouldn't put it past her to have gone out with guys afterwards. That feels dishonest. She's 32, but I feel like I've been dealing with an emotional 12-year old. I really liked her character and personality, and dear god she's beautiful. But right now it feels like I wasted my time on something that never really had a chance.
Miss Spider Posted March 19, 2018 Posted March 19, 2018 (edited) She definitely has some hang up about sex. And tbh the whole “Let’s wait til our trip”, although romantic, was probably not a good idea. I understand why you did it and the right person would likd It, it didn’t do you any favors in keeping her interest. Jmo Edited March 19, 2018 by Cookiesandough
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