rightondude Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I am not a fan of ghosting. Though lord knows I have done it and have had it done to me. I'd like to stop that. I recently had a date with a woman who was nice enough, but I know it will never go anywhere. I am just not 100% attracted to her. I slipped up and got handsy and kissed her at the end of the night. She was into it, and is into me. I am returning texts (slowly without much enthusiasm) but I feel the need to inform her it won't go anywhere further. Is there any way anyone's found to communicate this without pissing someone off or hurting feelings more than necessary? I've used the "I'm too busy to be in a relationship" and "its not you, it's me" lines before (and those are true actually; I am really busy and I do need to fix things in my own life before getting serious with someone). Is that the best way to go? Yes, this is a cowardly question, but I really don't like hurting people if I can avoid it.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I think what probably hurts the least is if you tell her there's someone else you've also been interested in/pursuing and you'd like to see where that goes. 2
greymatter Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 To me, a more neutral way of letting her down gently is to let her know you enjoyed meeting her but after thinking about it, you don't feel the two of you are a romantic match and you wish her all the best. 6
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I think what probably hurts the least is if you tell her there's someone else you've also been interested in/pursuing and you'd like to see where that goes. I like this. If you have trouble saying this, then yes, use the I'm so busy line. And PLEASE... do NOT sleep with her before you dump her.
Author rightondude Posted March 4, 2018 Author Posted March 4, 2018 I like this. If you have trouble saying this, then yes, use the I'm so busy line. And PLEASE... do NOT sleep with her before you dump her. All good advice, thank you. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm with someone else (I'm not) and I don't think I'll be sleeping with her unless my dumbass does something really stupid. Not out of the realm of possibility. I am busy and out of town a good bit. When I'm in town, I normally have custody of my kids. So I pretty much don't have time. I'll just state that as being the reason. 1
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 You think there's a possibility you may sleep with her? How the hell do you get handsy and kiss somebody you're not even attracted to? I'm not sure I buy that you're not attracted. There must be something you're attracted to if you went and would go there... 3
Author rightondude Posted March 4, 2018 Author Posted March 4, 2018 You think there's a possibility you may sleep with her? How the hell do you get handsy and kiss somebody you're not even attracted to? I'm not sure I buy that you're not attracted. There must be something you're attracted to if you went and would go there... The "how the hell" would fall into the "things I need to fix in myself" category.
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 You think there's a possibility you may sleep with her? How the hell do you get handsy and kiss somebody you're not even attracted to? I'm not sure I buy that you're not attracted. There must be something you're attracted to if you went and would go there... Maybe attracted enough for a one night stand but not attracted enough to want to be in a R with her and doesn't want to use her. Just guessing but seems plausible.
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 All good advice, thank you. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm with someone else (I'm not) and I don't think I'll be sleeping with her unless my dumbass does something really stupid. Not out of the realm of possibility. I am busy and out of town a good bit. When I'm in town, I normally have custody of my kids. So I pretty much don't have time. I'll just state that as being the reason. I think, honestly, that a reply like that might have her hanging on. It's just a logistical reason to overcome. That's why the two reasons (i'm not looking/or ready for a relationship right now and I don't have time) are the two reasons that people keep hanging around and trying to change your mind. Someone above said that you should just say something to the effect that you don't think you are a romantic match. After one date, a person is usually not so attached that they can't accept that reason AND it keeps them from contacting you and continuing to try. I think if you want to be a good guy that you should say something like this--mainly because it is the truth, whereas everything is is a grain of the truth or secondary to this first real reason. To be honest, if you have only been on one date, and can't force yourself to do this, just don't follow up with her. Unless she tries to reach you and then you can either deal with it then or don't respond. (yes, I get that this is what some people dump into the widening category of ghosting--but it happens all the time and it means what it means: the connection just wasn't strong enough to follow through for another date). But i see no reason why you can't and shouldn't start your personal growth now by doing the most right thing and saying a difficult but honest sentence or two. It's funny how when you deal with the things in your life with integrity and if someone acts out in response (the thing you might be afraid of), you can feel even better about how you handled it and more steadfast in your choice. Try it. Good luck 2
kendahke Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I wouldn't send her anymore texts other than "I don't see this going anywhere. I wish you every success in your search". Even though your responses to her lack enthusiasm, you've been around here long enough to have read posts from people who are dealing with someone backing out and wondering what they can do to keep them interested; not only that, but be 6-12 months into a one-sided involvement and wondering how they can get him to give more. She may see this as a "challenge" or you as her "renovation project" to get you to change your mind, so even though you've dialed it back to beige, she may not be getting the message and she certainly cannot read you mind. As far as she's concerned, you kissed her and got handsy enough with her for her to believe she's got traction with you, so she's seeing your lack of interest as a challenge if she's still reaching out on a daily basis. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I don't understand men. How do you get handsy and kiss on the first date with someone you are not attracted to? If it was me, I would assume that it means you are at least physically attracted. If I am not attracted to the guy, the last thing I want is to touch him in any way. Whatever you do after the first date would be fine. I would just stop responding to her texts and hope she gets the hint (no this is not ghosting, first date means nothing). Alternatively or if she keeps texting, I would simply say "I enjoyed meeting you but I am not feeling the romantic spark. Wish you all the best." 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 You don't have to be nasty to reject someone. Tell her that this isn't working for you, absolute best way, just make sure you don't lead her on anymore. Btw don't use any excuses: I'm not ready, you deserve better etc etc. Be straight up about it.
Chilli Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 l don't think it's got anything to do with cowardly , you know it's about not wanting to hurt feelings , surely that's an honorable thing, l dunno. But l was in the dilemma after divorce and it just ended messy in the end. l just figured she knew , l mean l never made any advances , she was just a great friend . Unfortunately though she didn't know , even after a few mths and it all blew up one night and she wound up really hurt anyway. So , since then , l feel honorable or not the best is to just clear the air day one and rip it off.
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 l don't think it's got anything to do with cowardly , you know it's about not wanting to hurt feelings , surely that's an honorable thing, l dunno. But l was in the dilemma after divorce and it just ended messy in the end. l just figured she knew , l mean l never made any advances , she was just a great friend . Unfortunately though she didn't know , even after a few mths and it all blew up one night and she wound up really hurt anyway. So , since then , l feel honorable or not the best is to just clear the air day one and rip it off. A great friend, huh? Did you sleep with her? My new-found brother calls women he sleeps with and texts with, but doesn’t want a relationship with “friends”. It really grates on my nerves. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 As much as you don't like hurting somebody it's cruel to be kind. By continuing to interact with her you are giving her false hope which is worse then just saying no thank you. Do not lie to her. If you are not getting back with an EX don't tell her you are. Just say that you don't see this working out & wish her well. A detailed explanation is not required. In fact, the less said the better. However the longer you drag this out the worse it will be. Short & quick, will be the most painless but it will not be pain free. 5
Whodatdog Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Its always more respectful to not make up reasons and be direct and truthful. You can do that without being mean. Simply state that you enjoyed spending time with her, but you dont think you want to pursue a relationship. She's a great girl, and you hope she finds someone soon. Making up stories always backfires, and you dont want to give excuses that she thinks she can fix. 3
Chilli Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 A great friend, huh? Did you sleep with her? My new-found brother calls women he sleeps with and texts with, but doesn’t want a relationship with “friends”. It really grates on my nerves. Yeah , a great friend. Is that not allowed or ? Nope , didn't sleep with her or anything physical at all ever.
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Yeah , a great friend. Is that not allowed or ? Nope , didn't sleep with her or anything physical at all ever. If it wasn't ever physical then yeah she was just a friend.
ThisisIt606 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) N/A thought i posted this on the main board Edited March 4, 2018 by ThisisIt606 oops thought I posted this as a new questions
newyorker11356 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Yeah , a great friend. Is that not allowed or ? Nope , didn't sleep with her or anything physical at all ever. Not if you led her to think it was more than that. You should have told her that you didn't see her "that way."
Chilli Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 If it wasn't ever physical then yeah she was just a friend. Yeah right see l thought that was fine too. But one night she got drunk and she was all over me. Thing was earlier on like l didn't wanna sound presumptuous either by saying something just encase and l assumed, 6 mths l'd known her, she'd realize l had no interest anyway, But that night l did have to explain and it all went to shyt after that. 1
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Yeah right see l thought that was fine too. But one night she got drunk and she was all over me. Thing was earlier on like l didn't wanna sound presumptuous either by saying something just encase and l assumed, 6 mths l'd known her, she'd realize l had no interest anyway, But that night l did have to explain and it all went to shyt after that. I know, it's hard. As much as a preach, I'm actually in a situation right now too. It's complicated. Maybe one day I'll post about it but I'm hoping I don't have to and blows over. 1
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