If I was so bad why did he stay?

[SayWhat316]

Here’s my story..I would love some advice. I was with my now ex for 5.5 years. He’s 28 and I’m 26. We lived together for 4.5 of those years. Everything was great until we moved in together. I should have known by seeing his room at his parents house. When I enquired about the mess he told me that his mom takes care of that. I became his mother/maid.

 

He expected me to cook and clean plus work full time while he did whatever he pleased. At some point I developed depression. The symptoms started around 6 months after moving in together. I was angry all the time, started gaining weight and became a hermit. I would go to work and then go home and go to my room. We started fighting quite a lot. Neither of us were happy. When I did cook he would always tell me it’s good but next time maybe add this or that. This has nothing to do with his moms cooking. She’s not the best by far. When I cleaned it was never appreciated. We Also basically stopped having sex. I found out that it was due to his watching porn daily. He stated is was due to my weight gain.

 

When we met I was 5’7 and 135 I’d gained 30lbs when he told me this. Not big by any means but still too big for him I guess. About three years ago we moved into a house his parents bought for him. His parents are/were very involved and still pay for pretty much everything for him. This continued just the way they were up until around January of 2017. I met with a psychiatrist to try to resolve some of my issues with anger. She concluded that it was due to my rocky childhood with my biological mother and also my boyfriend. I was put on multiple different medications for depression and anxiety and scheduled to see a therapist.

 

Things started to improve on my end. I was much easier to get along with but he wouldn’t budge on his behavior. He was still very distant and cold. He would admit that he’d seen improvement however. Around August he started hanging out with our newly single friend. (The girl this guy destroyed and later begged to take him back is my best friend) They would go out to bars and strip clubs. A few weeks after all of this happened he went on a trip with some friends and cheated on me with a girl he’d met that night. He told me about it when he got home (I knew something was up, he looked like a dog who had just chewed the baseboards) and broke up with me.

 

He blamed me for it happening. Saying that he had reached his breaking point and was done. Being that I had zero self confidence left, I begged him and apologized. I moved out a few weeks after when I found out he had taken another girl fishing.

 

About two months after I left, he started sniffing around again. Making up reasons to see and talk to me. Since I still wanted him back I fell for it. He’d admitted that he’d like to take things slow and see where it goes. We talked regularly during the weeks and saw each other every other week or so. Last week he told me he loved me on the phone and called 3 Times two days later to ask for medical advice. Then, he went cold. I didn’t hear anything from him for over a week until I finally called him yesterday.

 

He again was cold towards me. I asked him if there was someone else and he told me that he’d been “hanging out” with someone but it was nothing serious. I asked him why he would tell me he loved me and that he would like to see where things go just to hurt me again. He said that he didn’t mean to say that he loved me. He was just used to saying it. We’ve talked on the phone many times and now, 6 months later, you slip up and tell me you love me? I told him if that were the case he would have repeated it. To which he replied that he felt like an idiot when I didn’t say it back. He also said that he’d thought long and hard about getting back with me and he just can’t do it. I told him that I knew I’d made mistakes but he hurt me too. He said he would have never done or said those things if it weren’t for how I’d treated him.

 

He takes no responsibility for anything! It’s all my fault. Every single fight. I reminded him of how I used to surprise him with little treats or how I’d go all out for him on Christmas or his birthday to get a card the day after from him. He said that it was because he was emotionally gone from the relationship. I said “for 4 years” he said yes. How is this possible? If you’re this unhappy with someone for that amount of time you leave. I get that I’ve said terrible things to him at times but I don’t believe I deserve this. Now he’s just moving on to someone else and leaving me to pick up the pieces again. When I was doing so well moving on until he started texting me.

 

I just don’t understand. I’ve had other exes say that I can be mean but every ex I’ve had has tried to get me back at some point after the break up. I just can’t believe that I brought nothing good to 5.5 years.

 

If someone can give me words of advise I’d be extremely grateful.

Edited March 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SpecialJ]

The emotional immaturity and selfishness of this man is astonishing. I had an ex that suffered weight gain and depression during part of our relationship. I loved him, so do you know what I did? It wasn't tell him he was no longer attractive and then blame him if I cheated... I tried to figure out if there was anything I could do to be supportive. That's it.

 

He stayed with you because he could put in no effort and get you to keep him comfortable and do all the things he didn't want to do (ie cook, clean, be around to puff up his ego, maybe for sex). He was not a supportive or loving partner to you, and it doesn't matter why he stayed. It matters that when he stayed, he made you feel terrible about yourself. And nothing changed after he sort of came back to you because he's done zero work on himself. Just like he doesn't want to cook or clean and he has his parents to foot some of the bills, he's lazy like that.

 

Please go no contact and focus on yourself for a while. Keep up with the therapy and depression treatment, and you'll gain some perspective on how you don't deserve to be treated that way and can do so much better with an actual adult once you're ready to date again. This guy is a loser, and you will feel better once you lose him.

[stillafool]

He is right that he has not been emotionally in tune with you for a long time. Most people have checked out of the relationship months before they finally end it. He only stayed and kept coming back because you were familiar (which didn't require much work to get sex) and you did everything for him. I hope you have finally leaned it's over and not to take him back. Block him from being able to contact you and don't spy on him on FB so you can move on.

 

I thought you were supposed to break it off with this guy back in September. What happened?

Edited March 3, 2018 by stillafool

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you took him back. You say you don't deserve to be treated like this, but by taking him back, you've chosen to be treated like this.

 

The reason came back is probably because he liked the fact you chose to be his domestic servant for all these years. However, as much as he loved a domestic, it couldn't make up for the fact that the emotional connection had gone.

Edited March 3, 2018 by basil67

[Young mind]

*specialJ has summarized this as best as could be put forward, concentration on your therapy will see you in a better place soon.

 

I deeply resent guys who turn their partners into medieval machines, I know you do it out of love, my ex gf always wanted to do everything, but I personally hate someone cooking and cleaning for me, I prefer to have us talking all day and being together, it's only sad, but I can assure you this is not your loss, with the necessary steps and healing, you will see you " dodged a bullet here"

[SayWhat316]

Thank you so much for the replies. SpecialJ that was so sweet! Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a failure. I still have my horses on his property so contact regarding them is necessary if they need anything. I didn’t take him back, he didn’t want to be with me. But he was talking to me, getting my hopes up and using me. Now that I know he’s entertaining another woman I will not compete. That was actually the fuel I needed to cut him off. I hope this girl is prepared for the job she’s getting herself into.

 

Stillafool, I did go into nc in September. We didn’t talk for about a month and a half. Then he started texting me with questions about the horses, then it was jokes, then he needed me to help him with the horses. He knew exactly what to do.