Lacey49 Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 Im hear once again to vent I suppose, or to get input although I guess I know the answers to my own questions. I posted on here last summer I was having a hard time doing online dating...felt it was demoralizing to me and was having a hard time with the whole shopping feeling of it. Met a guy who was traveling a lot so we did a lot of texting, got to know each other over a couple months and then started dating. On our first date I notice he is shorter than stated in profile, and admits he is actually 2 years older than stated. I think this is a red flag, or maybe it's not a big deal, seems everyone lies. I feel chemistry. We kiss at the end of the date. A couple more dates and we sleep together. We have passion in and out of bedroom, but also a lot of arguments. He definitely had some mental health issues and I'll admit I'm insecure and can be difficult...so fault on both ends. I find out another lie. On his profile he represented himself as a college grad but in fact went to a very good school but never finished. Is this a big deal at our ages? no, but it adds up. He traveled some more, I got insecure when I see he is online when I'm trying to deactivate my profile, which I've learned is not easy at all. More back and forth. He returns from travel and we once again settle into a relationship-mode and I have strong feelings as does he or so he says. I have a couple of back to back significant losses in my life...close relative and a pet. Struggling. I feel a lack of compassion from him, and I feel after communicating/seeing each other for 5 plus months I wanted more support. I end it. But he starts texting me madly. I go back. Back and forth for another month. I end it again last week and he sends a present. A present he bought earlier. I thank him for this and we have more exchanges. Finally I can't do this and neither can he but its hard because I think we've become addicted to this messed up pattern and we do have chemistry. I decide to browse online, give myself some hope and of course he has put up a new profile. Again lying about his age, height, education...boasting of his sexual prowess, extremely self promoting...gross really. So WHY do I care? I quickly decide that I must stay off OLD/social media and detox this. I know I need to go no contact...as in no looking at stuff online or biting should there be any bread crumbs. Just having a very hard time ending it all even though it was crap. Guess I need to start with myself.
kendahke Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 Just having a very hard time ending it all even though it was crap. I guess you need to get clear on: what do you get out of keeping contact with him? what are you trying to feed with those bread crumbs? 1
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I'm sorry this happened to you but this is a lesson in listening to the red flags. When you start to see a pattern of misrepresentation, you have to realize that this person has little respect for the truth. If they lie about the little things, you can't trust them about the bigger stuff. Do take some time to self soothe. When you are ready & feeling more confident you can get back out there but not necessarily through OLD. 2
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 You said the solution: Start with yourself. Be kind to yourself also. Psychologically a back and forth pattern typically sets you up for more of the same (with that person). In some ways you couldn't help it--because your brain physiology will take over--it's like your being gets caught up in a whole back and forth mess that actually makes the connection feel stronger and you more attached to it--even though it makes you miserable and logically you know it's not good for you. So work on the things that would make you more secure and confident. Busy yourself with things that you enjoy, people you enjoy, try new things and grow. Self-reflect a little but not a ton. Stay active. You need to distract yourself and replace old bad habits (him). As far as he goes, he's not an honest person. The fact that he is lying AGAIN on OLD just shows his character. You found too many lies IMO. Consider yourself lucky that you are not in deeper. I personally don't love a lot of the things that happen on OLD but I wouldn't extract what he's done to the whole of the genre. So many people use it, you would be cutting out a whole giant way to meet people just because of one bad person. That's not a healthy reaction. You need a break for sure because you are not ready to date and that avenue is particularly harsh and can be defeating. I personally do like when people meet through friends or in real life. So by investing in your own life right now, you are growing the chance to make that avenue happen and become a more well-rounded person, knowing and enjoying yourself better so you won't put up with this sh*t anymore. It's amazing once you are busy and engaged in your own life, how easy it is to see when someone isn't worth your time--because you will have other things and people that are. AND most importantly, can depend on yourself where you know that in any case you WILL have and find better in your life. Good luck 3
Author Lacey49 Posted March 3, 2018 Author Posted March 3, 2018 I'm sorry this happened to you but this is a lesson in listening to the red flags. When you start to see a pattern of misrepresentation, you have to realize that this person has little respect for the truth. If they lie about the little things, you can't trust them about the bigger stuff. Do take some time to self soothe. When you are ready & feeling more confident you can get back out there but not necessarily through OLD. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. You are right about lying about the small stuff...although sadly I have done so too out of insecurities...I've taught myself to be honest. So I get both sides. But you are right, I should take the spring off to self soothe, get in shape, reconnect with friends, work at getting promoted at my job. As a middle aged woman I feel this self imposed urgency...I fear being alone forever. Which I need to address on a deeper level.
CommittedToThis Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 Psychologically a back and forth pattern typically sets you up for more of the same (with that person). In some ways you couldn't help it--because your brain physiology will take over--it's like your being gets caught up in a whole back and forth mess that actually makes the connection feel stronger and you more attached to it--even though it makes you miserable and logically you know it's not good for you. What a great description of what a narcissistic cycle of abuse does on a chemistry level. The longer one remains in the dysfunction, the longer it takes the brain to adjust once the dysfunction is removed. That's why leaving a narcissist is so difficult for many; your brain becomes accustomed to wild swings of emotion and you come to depend on it even though you know it's not healthy. To the OP, I think you dodged a bullet with this OLD guy, you saw all the red flags up front but you painted them green. That's all on you, the OLD guy was totally transparent about being a phony. You wanted to see the best in him and it's sad to learn the guy is a player but it's a million times better to leave him in the dust. That said there is no reason to paint every man on OLD as a phony based on one player. Why reduce your odds of meeting someone? Wishing you the best.
Author Lacey49 Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 It’s been a few days since this post. Blocked him on my phone and have done a fairly good job, like a B+, staying off OLD/social media. I’ve stayed busy. He called my land line, which nobody does, and spoke to my teen daughter who told him I was out. That was a bit creepy so I just unplugged the line for the time being since it’s rarely used. I feel like I need to go get checked for STDs after reading his updated profile which read quite differently than the man I thought I knew. I don’t want to run into him. We work close to each other.
JennFoss Posted March 12, 2018 Posted March 12, 2018 He’s a chronicle liar and that’s a really really REALLY bad thing. I can deal with so many crap but not lying. I know this because in my teen age years I was just like that.. I would lie and mislead and I know how hurt others would have felt if they’ve found out truths about things. You can’t have a relationship without trust... Do what will get you what you want, not what will encourage more of what you fear! You know what I’m saying? Every time you open up to him again you should be TERRIFIED of the more pain he will cause you. Why would you let someone back in who keeps breaking your heart? Who can’t make you happy? Do you enjoy heartache, pain and misery?
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