Wondering why

[Eternal Sunshine]

I personally really dislike talking on the phone and always have. I hate it even with friends and family. I kind of cringe when I get one of those guys that love "talking on the phone". I usually just have a conversation with them about how I prefer communicating over text.

 

I also often just let calls go to voicemail and then respond to them via text. Nothing to do with my interest level.

[SevenCity]

That's why I don't like the dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, all it is is texting. I think they do that because kids are used to texting rather than talking on the phone anymore, but it's bad. You have a texting buddy rather than an actual friend or someone who you consider as a friend somewhat.

 

But it's not a good sign when they text you the day after the date rather than call I find. Texting is a passive form of communication, calling is direct. If a man is interested, he'll CALL a woman not text her with "I had a nice time last night" as first post contact. That tells me that he's not that interested in me. 90% of the time it will end within a few days or a week.

 

This is like saying that someone is less interested in a job because they send an email rather than a letter through the mail thanking you for the interview.

 

I'm older than you and have embraced texting; it's today's preferred communication method. I have to make time for a phone call and don't appreciate when someone I just met is calling me out of the blue at a random time. Moreover, I would rather keep the actual talking in person. Phone is also passive as opposed to real life.

 

You have every right to your rules, but realize guys are not mind readers and many of us prefer to meet in person and don't have time to spend on the phone. It doesn't make me less interested.

[winny]

I personally really dislike talking on the phone and always have. I hate it even with friends and family. I kind of cringe when I get one of those guys that love "talking on the phone". I usually just have a conversation with them about how I prefer communicating over text.

 

I also often just let calls go to voicemail and then respond to them via text. Nothing to do with my interest level.

 

Me too! I hate talking on phone. I am a big introvert and I like texting. Hell! I even speak to customer care reps on chat.. LOL

Also, I find myself very unprepared when I get a call without notice. I let it go to voicemail. I first text and ask if it is a good time to call, before I call anyone.

And do not underestimate the power of texting. With the modern technology, you can send not just words, but memes, gifs, stickers, videos, pictures, audios...!! It can be a lotttt of fun if you know how to do it!

[newyorker11356]

Men can't call women anymore. I've met a lot of ladies over the years and out of all of them, maybe two would actually talk on the phone. My GF now never even calls me, she texts. If a guy tries calling a woman these days, she will likely either not answer at all (while complaining that she hates talking on the phone) or she will answer just long enough to explain that she hates talking on the phone. Like it or not, texting is pretty much all there is.

 

Agreed.

 

I'm not even saying you can't call, but nowadays, just texting is fine. I've never called a woman after a date, and it's never hindered me.

[Millie the Cat]

I would prefer to be "ghosted" after a date or two than get the straight truth.

 

I had a first date a few years ago after a few online conversations. We had a date, and he kept telling me he knew another woman in my workplace and knew she was single. I only knew that woman as coworkers, and didn't really know much about her personally. But he kept bringing her up. So I jokingly said "Maybe you should go out with her." He said "well I have tried." lol ummm, OK?

 

We had an OK date, but I wasn't really interested. However a couple days later he called me to tell me he wasn't interested and he was calling because some friends of his told him it would be polite to call and tell me that.

 

I told him that's fine, I wasn't interested in seeing him again anyway.

 

He again expressed "I am just letting you know outright that I am not interested in seeing you again, just being fair here, as my friends have said it's the right thing to do to tell you."

 

I quickly said "OK bye" and hung up. He seemed to have an ego thing about wanting to let me know directly he "wasn't interested." I hadn't contacted him since the date, so it's not like I needed anything to be made clear to me. But he still got the ego trip of calling to tell me he was rejecting me.

 

Point is, might be better to be "ghosted" after a date or two than to hear the truth. lol

Edited March 4, 2018 by Millie the Cat

[GemmaUK]

I was scrolling through my phone a while ago and came across some old texts from over a month ago. I had an OLD with someone. He seemed like a good guy, he was a carpenter who built theater and presentation sets. Our first and only encounter we met, he was personable and not socially awkward in anyway. It was a good sign when he walked me to my car rather than stopped halfway there, shook hands and that was that. He hugged me good-bye. The next day or two we texted a lot about how our days were going.

 

Our last texts we exchanged were of me asking how his week was looking, as I thought maybe he would be interested enough in asking to see me again and I should hint to him that I was. Because, I was. I didn't know him but was somewhat interested in getting to know him better. He said he was very busy that week because he was working and had his daughter (who was 3) that week. I said alright, let me know. And ... Nothing. That was over a month ago. We never spoke (or texted) a word again.

 

This is OLD, I understand that now at this point in the game, but I just wonder about it. People seem to wonder why nothing ever happens for them. Well, it's because they don't do anything. I wonder if he ever thinks of me at all, thinking "I wonder why I never heard from her again" or what I'm doing. It's clear he wasn't that into me. Disappointing.

 

I haven't read any other replies except your first post.

You showed no interest at all in a terrifically significant person in his life.

All you said was 'alright, let me know, blah' you could have said 'hey, great, what are you guys doing?'

For what reason would he want to date you or contact you again if you show no interest in his life?

[winny]

I haven't read any other replies except your first post.

You showed no interest at all in a terrifically significant person in his life.

All you said was 'alright, let me know, blah' you could have said 'hey, great, what are you guys doing?'

For what reason would he want to date you or contact you again if you show no interest in his life?

 

Great point!!!

[GemmaUK]

Great point!!!

 

Thanks Winny,

 

If I was the person with the 3 year old in this situation the 'alright, let me know' answer would make me think:

1. This person has no interest in my 3 year old child

2. If they don't want to date someone with a child then they could have been upfront and clear about that

3. It would make me think they didn't want to date me, who has a child and maybe isn't aware of the time restraints which will be a part of that.

4. Three year olds are at that age when they're a lot of fun so I would be a bit miffed someone didn't ask and just asked nothing at all.

5. The reply would make me think they think any dating experience is going to be 'all about them'

It just wouldn't give me a good impression. Even if my view would be not wanting to intro a small child to a date until several months have passed, zero interest in said child will not make me want to call and pursue another date.

 

If I were the OP in in this situation I would have asked what plans they had or what ideas he had for his little one and I would have suggested at the end of that text conversation that we set a day during that week for a phone date or skype date so we can chat and firm up some date plans.

 

Any by the way, I don't have any children of my own but I am in my forties as is the OP so I am aware of the constraints of dating someone with a young child but also aware if I show zero interest then that guy isn't going to want to see me again.

[Millie the Cat]

They only had one date. I think stating all of that simply because he said he had plans with his child might be a bit intrusive actually.

He said he had plans with his child, so she basically said "OK, let me know when you're free."

Why does there have to be a lengthy conversation every time the child is brought up? It's really none of her business how he is going to spend time with his own child. They are not in a relationship and there really shouldn't be a lot of conversation revolving around his child and plans with that said child until they are in one.

So I think her response was fine, they were just setting up plans, he was not starting an indepth conversation about his 3-year old.

The reason he is not contacting her back is certainly not because she didn't make a big deal out of his plans with his child. That's ridiculous.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Millie the Cat

[lurker74]

Look on the bright side - maybe he died.

[KBarletta]

It's funny. I had a "first date" with a woman on Friday and was wondering about the question of how to follow up when not really interested. This thread was interesting, but I'm still unsure I guess. So many different opinions.

 

The date was three hours over dinner and drinks. It went well, conversation never lagged, we had a decent amount in common. But I detected very little sense of humor in her (a deal breaker) and even though she's conventionally attractive (tall, slim, blonde) I was not attracted to her.

 

I walked her out, hugged her goodbye and that was that. She texted later in the evening to say thank you (I picked up the check) and I responded politely. There's been no contact since then.

 

Do you think after one date people are obligated to get in touch and let someone know, "Hey, by the way, I'm not interested. Just in case you were wondering." Or is it enough to not contact them again? I think that kind of sends the same message without having to come out and say it, which may or may not be better.

 

I guess I was wondering a similar question to the OP, only on the opposite end.

[Happy Lemming]

Do you think after one date people are obligated to get in touch and let someone know, "Hey, by the way, I'm not interested. Just in case you were wondering." Or is it enough to not contact them again? I think that kind of sends the same message without having to come out and say it, which may or may not be better.

 

 

Personally, I would want someone to tell me that they don't wish to see me again, fairly soon after the date ended. That way I'm not thinking about them or date planning the next date, etc.

 

I think it polite to tell them your not interested in further contact.

 

I kind of like the "golden rule" when it comes to early dating...

 

“do unto others as you would have them do unto you” - (Mt 7:12)

[Highndry]

After only 1 meeting I don't think it's a big deal to "ghost" someone. You went from total strangers to knowing each other a couple hours. There's no bond that can form that quickly so I don't really think it's bad form for either party to just bail out. That being said, if there's a second or third date, I think it's appropriate and respectful to tell them and not just disappear.

 

What I really find inappropriate, as we see on this site all too often, is the disingenuous behavior where somebody says "yeah, call me" or "I had fun, let's do it again," then completely disappears and ignores texts, etc. Then the other person keeps reaching out because they think the other is interested when in reality the other person was paying lip service or worse, playing games.

[joseb]

 

I walked her out, hugged her goodbye and that was that. She texted later in the evening to say thank you (I picked up the check) and I responded politely. There's been no contact since then.

 

Do you think after one date people are obligated to get in touch and let someone know, "Hey, by the way, I'm not interested. Just in case you were wondering." Or is it enough to not contact them again? I think that kind of sends the same message without having to come out and say it, which may or may not be better.

 

I think sending an "I'm not interested" text after one date is a bit arrogant, I wouldn't do it.

It's not like she is texting constantly asking to see you again.

Saying thanks isn't an indication of much interest.

And even if it was, the fact that you aren't asking her on another date should be obvious enough.

 

If you have gone on several dates, or it's obvious that she thinks there is something when there isn't, then yeah you may need to say thanks, but no thanks.