mortensorchid Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I was scrolling through my phone a while ago and came across some old texts from over a month ago. I had an OLD with someone. He seemed like a good guy, he was a carpenter who built theater and presentation sets. Our first and only encounter we met, he was personable and not socially awkward in anyway. It was a good sign when he walked me to my car rather than stopped halfway there, shook hands and that was that. He hugged me good-bye. The next day or two we texted a lot about how our days were going. Our last texts we exchanged were of me asking how his week was looking, as I thought maybe he would be interested enough in asking to see me again and I should hint to him that I was. Because, I was. I didn't know him but was somewhat interested in getting to know him better. He said he was very busy that week because he was working and had his daughter (who was 3) that week. I said alright, let me know. And ... Nothing. That was over a month ago. We never spoke (or texted) a word again. This is OLD, I understand that now at this point in the game, but I just wonder about it. People seem to wonder why nothing ever happens for them. Well, it's because they don't do anything. I wonder if he ever thinks of me at all, thinking "I wonder why I never heard from her again" or what I'm doing. It's clear he wasn't that into me. Disappointing.
newyorker11356 Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I was scrolling through my phone a while ago and came across some old texts from over a month ago. I had an OLD with someone. He seemed like a good guy, he was a carpenter who built theater and presentation sets. Our first and only encounter we met, he was personable and not socially awkward in anyway. It was a good sign when he walked me to my car rather than stopped halfway there, shook hands and that was that. He hugged me good-bye. The next day or two we texted a lot about how our days were going. Our last texts we exchanged were of me asking how his week was looking, as I thought maybe he would be interested enough in asking to see me again and I should hint to him that I was. Because, I was. I didn't know him but was somewhat interested in getting to know him better. He said he was very busy that week because he was working and had his daughter (who was 3) that week. I said alright, let me know. And ... Nothing. That was over a month ago. We never spoke (or texted) a word again. This is OLD, I understand that now at this point in the game, but I just wonder about it. People seem to wonder why nothing ever happens for them. Well, it's because they don't do anything. I wonder if he ever thinks of me at all, thinking "I wonder why I never heard from her again" or what I'm doing. It's clear he wasn't that into me. Disappointing. Yeah, unfortunately, he wasn't that into you. He may have texted you for a day or two after the date, but then probably realized that he wasn't all that into you, and just decided to disappear altogether.
Happy Lemming Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 Before the days of texting and OLD, we met people in "real life" and talked on our land-lines. I do remember having a date with a woman and I just didn't like her. So at the end of the date when I dropped her off, she told me to call her. I didn't want her to be waiting by the phone, so I was honest and told her that I would not be calling, and please don't wait by the phone. I think there is something to be said for being honest with people we date. After all, both parties showered, got dressed up (a bit), and made the effort, so no communication after the fact is just plain rude. I hate this new "Ghosting" thing. If you don't want to see the person again, let them know. Something to the effect of "I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think I want to pursue this any further" or something to that effect. How hard is it to follow-up, especially when that gentleman gave you the impression that he was going to contact you in a week. Yes... "mortensorchid" it is rude. I don't like it and wouldn't do it. 6
winny Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 It's the people who misuse OLD. We cannot blame a virtual communication medium for people ghosting. And these people would be equally bad in real life dating too. Having said that, of course his interest level was low. We cannot say something is wrong with a person if they don't want to date us. And him not getting back to you while can be considered a bit rude, yet, it was just one date! He doesn't really owe you much of an explanation. 6
Chilli Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 Couldn't disagree more , of course we can blame it and the mentality the whole modern era has created. Just read any of 100s of posts about it and texting and ghosting and this and that, it would be 1000s if you went 20 or pages. Sight unseen, no face to face in the first place until you meet , messages and texting,read a form on a website,couldn't happen before cept for the odd blind date. texting, or not , so easy to opt out now, go read a few 1000 texting complaints. It's a different world, disappear mentality , swipe right l mean just wtf ! Before l was married back in the land line old school ways , l was never , ever , not once , stood up or disappeared on. Not once. But yeah , sadly low interest , that happens. it's just that we use to get told about it. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted March 3, 2018 Author Posted March 3, 2018 It's the people who misuse OLD. We cannot blame a virtual communication medium for people ghosting. And these people would be equally bad in real life dating too. Having said that, of course his interest level was low. We cannot say something is wrong with a person if they don't want to date us. And him not getting back to you while can be considered a bit rude, yet, it was just one date! He doesn't really owe you much of an explanation. People ghosted before there was OLD to be sure. There are times that you meet someone and it's just plain bad. One guy I met, one of the Top 10 Worst OLDs in History, was an hour late meeting me, obviously just rolled out of bed (there were pillow creases on his face and his hair was sticking up in spikes) and he was high as a kite. I don't think he was cognizant of the fact I was sitting across from him. I got up after he nodded off, went to the hostess in the restaurant, told her that man over there is high and nodded off and I was walking away from it, and gave her $20. I said she didn't know me but I was sorry, really I was. Of course I never heard from him again and I was happy about it. Another guy I was surprised ghosted on me. I went out on an OLD many years ago and met this guy who was coming on very strong with me when we met, he said he was all excited to meet me because we were on the same page and whatnot. He said he was looking forward to spending more time with me soon. And I never heard a word from him again. I think that was for the best because looking back I realized he was a teaser - probably the type who got you interested and then when you were interested he would back off. But it's what it is.
Frogwife Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I see a tendency on these forums to always think the worst when dating situation go awry... the person doesn't call or text back in an "appropriate" amount of time, they must be dating 10 other people... someone ghosts or isn't enthusiastic about dating, then that means they don't like you or you did something wrong... Having somewhat recently dipped my toe back into the world of dating and sex three years after a brutal breakup, I can say that 90% of my lack of enthusiasm, fading away, not wanting to meet up has to do with my own issues... I'm tired, I don't feel good in my skin, I'm feeling blue, still hurting from my breakup... whatever it is... I have a couple of guys I "see" from time to time who I find super sexy but I'm not feeling good with myself so I turn down invites, making excuses, and it has *zero* to do with them or any other reason than myself. Same with people I might chat with from an app or something... I have a couple of nice guys - one I met in person, one through Happn - and I'm just not enthused to get together because of me. I know it's disappointing when things don't go as you would like and yea ghosting isn't great, but for everyone, don't take it personally... I would imagine most of the time it's them, not you. And speaking to this situation specifically, if he has a three-year-old daughter, he is not far out from a divorce or separation or whatever... he just may not be in a place to date. 4
newyorker11356 Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I see a tendency on these forums to always think the worst when dating situation go awry... the person doesn't call or text back in an "appropriate" amount of time, they must be dating 10 other people... someone ghosts or isn't enthusiastic about dating, then that means they don't like you or you did something wrong... Having somewhat recently dipped my toe back into the world of dating and sex three years after a brutal breakup, I can say that 90% of my lack of enthusiasm, fading away, not wanting to meet up has to do with my own issues... I'm tired, I don't feel good in my skin, I'm feeling blue, still hurting from my breakup... whatever it is... I have a couple of guys I "see" from time to time who I find super sexy but I'm not feeling good with myself so I turn down invites, making excuses, and it has *zero* to do with them or any other reason than myself. Same with people I might chat with from an app or something... I have a couple of nice guys - one I met in person, one through Happn - and I'm just not enthused to get together because of me. I know it's disappointing when things don't go as you would like and yea ghosting isn't great, but for everyone, don't take it personally... I would imagine most of the time it's them, not you. And speaking to this situation specifically, if he has a three-year-old daughter, he is not far out from a divorce or separation or whatever... he just may not be in a place to date. Sure, I don't disagree, but I'd say a lot of the time, they're just not really into the other person. If they were, then those things wouldn't really matter.
Sbla22 Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I think online dating is so flaky that if someone cancels a date it is never that personal. I can imagine it's really easy to cancel a date for women - a good looking woman probably agree to maybe 3 or 4 dates a week. After a working week makes you tired they probably narrow that down to just 1 as the week goes on. I've had plenty of women online cancel or flake on a date - most of the time I sort of saw it coming (minimal contact or enthusiasm in between setting the date and going on it) It's rare that I cancel a date myself, however I have done this about 3 times in the last 2 years. I did it this week actually. I managed to get 2 decent matches on Tinder last week so got both numbers and set dates. Girl A was far more talkative in her messages but I tried to arrange the date for Tuesday, she said she wanted to meet Friday instead as it wasn't a work night...so that left a full week before the date. Girl B was less talkative but seemed keen and arranged to meet me on Wednesday (2 days before Girl A). Girl A text me too much and too lengthy messages if I'm honest which wasn't a turn off in itself but she was leaving little to find out on the first date. It felt like a chore having to keep responding all week and she started asking what my ideal woman was, about my dating history etc, all things I didn't want to really discuss before even meeting. Girl B was more reserved, we spoke only briefly before meeting. We had a good time on Wednesday and so I saw going for the date with Girl A on Friday as a waste of time and it sounds bad to say but a waste of money for me too. I spent around 35 pounds on the date with Girl B and it would have cost me the same if not more on the date with Girl A - she'd brought up too many potential red flags as well before even meeting. So I text her the day before saying I wasn't feeling well and we haven't spoke since. So I guess you could say it was slightly personal on my part but if I didn't have the other date in the same week I probably would have gone anyway. Her mistake was texting too much in between, asking inappropriate questions and arranging the date far too long in the future. It's made me realise that a date needs to happen within 2 or 3 days and no bombarding with messages in between or it can hamper the chances of the date happening. As I said for women must be even greater the chance of cancelling but a lot of the time the guy they cancel on probably didn't do anything wrong in between, it was just poor timing.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I think online dating is so flaky that if someone cancels a date it is never that personal. I can imagine it's really easy to cancel a date for women - a good looking woman probably agree to maybe 3 or 4 dates a week. After a working week makes you tired they probably narrow that down to just 1 as the week goes on. I've had plenty of women online cancel or flake on a date - most of the time I sort of saw it coming (minimal contact or enthusiasm in between setting the date and going on it) It's rare that I cancel a date myself, however I have done this about 3 times in the last 2 years. I did it this week actually. I managed to get 2 decent matches on Tinder last week so got both numbers and set dates. Girl A was far more talkative in her messages but I tried to arrange the date for Tuesday, she said she wanted to meet Friday instead as it wasn't a work night...so that left a full week before the date. Girl B was less talkative but seemed keen and arranged to meet me on Wednesday (2 days before Girl A). Girl A text me too much and too lengthy messages if I'm honest which wasn't a turn off in itself but she was leaving little to find out on the first date. It felt like a chore having to keep responding all week and she started asking what my ideal woman was, about my dating history etc, all things I didn't want to really discuss before even meeting. Girl B was more reserved, we spoke only briefly before meeting. We had a good time on Wednesday and so I saw going for the date with Girl A on Friday as a waste of time and it sounds bad to say but a waste of money for me too. I spent around 35 pounds on the date with Girl B and it would have cost me the same if not more on the date with Girl A - she'd brought up too many potential red flags as well before even meeting. So I text her the day before saying I wasn't feeling well and we haven't spoke since. So I guess you could say it was slightly personal on my part but if I didn't have the other date in the same week I probably would have gone anyway. Her mistake was texting too much in between, asking inappropriate questions and arranging the date far too long in the future. It's made me realise that a date needs to happen within 2 or 3 days and no bombarding with messages in between or it can hamper the chances of the date happening. As I said for women must be even greater the chance of cancelling but a lot of the time the guy they cancel on probably didn't do anything wrong in between, it was just poor timing. When I did OLD, if someone arranges a date a week or more in advance, I am out. Also, I find lots of texting in between tiring. I want to see if there is chemistry in person before I spend a lot of time texting. So if a guy I haven't met yet bombards me with messages, I feel it's a total chore to reply. I usually just give short replies and ask them no questions. 1
Sbla22 Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 When I did OLD, if someone arranges a date a week or more in advance, I am out. Also, I find lots of texting in between tiring. I want to see if there is chemistry in person before I spend a lot of time texting. So if a guy I haven't met yet bombards me with messages, I feel it's a total chore to reply. I usually just give short replies and ask them no questions. Exactly. If I am arranging a date on say a Sunday then it needs to happen by Wednesday for the reasons we have mentioned. I think once you meet and you like each other then the second date should happen within a similar time frame. After that you could probably leave a week in between. 1
NuevoYorko Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 He probably found someone he connected fantastically with, and / or decided that you and he weren't a good match. Maybe something from your texting convos put him off. Since you'd only met him one time he owed you no explanation. It's a normal situation. I agree with those who are not in favor of this kind of fake "relationship" that happens because strangers text each other for a while. It's meaningless. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted March 4, 2018 Author Posted March 4, 2018 That's why I don't like the dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, all it is is texting. I think they do that because kids are used to texting rather than talking on the phone anymore, but it's bad. You have a texting buddy rather than an actual friend or someone who you consider as a friend somewhat. But it's not a good sign when they text you the day after the date rather than call I find. Texting is a passive form of communication, calling is direct. If a man is interested, he'll CALL a woman not text her with "I had a nice time last night" as first post contact. That tells me that he's not that interested in me. 90% of the time it will end within a few days or a week.
rightondude Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I wouldn't say texting is very passive anymore. People expect a reply pretty quickly before assuming something's up. I think it depends on whether those texts actually lead to meeting up again soon. 1
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Before the days of texting and OLD, we met people in "real life" and talked on our land-lines. Oh god, I miss that so much... 3
winny Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Before l was married back in the land line old school ways , l was never , ever , not once , stood up or disappeared on. Not once. That proves nothing.
CptInsano Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Calling a first meeting arranged through OLD a date is somewhat of a misnomer in my opinion. In the same vein saying that somebody ghosted you after one date also doesn't seem right to me. It's disappointing for sure, but you need a relationship for somebody to ghost you. If you have a date after meeting somebody IRL you are further along in the relationship, unless you are on a blind date. A first meeting on OLD is just that, a meeting to check out whether the other party respresented herself/himself truthfully, or if there is some minimal attraction. Unless there was a promise for a second date there really may be nothing more to say. 3
Chilli Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 That proves nothing. Does to me , if you were around then and your around now , you'd have to be deaf dumb and blind to not know it's all a totally different world and mentality now in all this stuff. 2
joseb Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 But it's not a good sign when they text you the day after the date rather than call I find. Texting is a passive form of communication, calling is direct. If a man is interested, he'll CALL a woman not text her with "I had a nice time last night" as first post contact. That tells me that he's not that interested in me. I know a lot of guys dating. I don't know many that will call a woman after a date like that. I know one who has a gf of a year and they have never spoken on the phone! It's nothing to do with being passive or disinterested, and everything to do with adapting to how most people communicate nowadays. I probably talk on my phone for non work/business purposes about once a week tops. As someone who never liked phone calls as a means of communication, I'm glad for the shift. 1
act00 Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I've been through this. I think that in my mind, I've accepted ghosting after one or two dates reasonable, but after going out for a couple months or longer, I think an official breakup is right thing to do. Just disappearing is hurtful and wrong. I have been in that place that things seemed to go really well. First date went well, good conversation, affection, some kissing, and then a second date. Everything seems good. Good conversation. Good chemistry. I've texted after the date, thank you, had fun, looking forward to seeing you again, etc. This is reciprocated. I don't hear from them for a day or so. I reach out, "how was your day?" and get short, clipped responses. Okay, so they're busy, they'll contact me when they're not. And they don't. I might reach out again, how was your day, or bring up something we talked about on our date, "How did the meeting go," or "Did you finish watching <that show>" or whatever was interesting...crickets or clipped response, no banter. Okay...hint taken. Obviously I'm the only one reaching out. I drop the rope. A week goes by, then two...nothing. I have had men contact me after a couple months like nothing happened. This is called "submarining." I have gone out with them again. Nothing changed...poof, gone again...and again, this is after things seemed to go really well. It's a head-scratcher. Who knows, Morton, we'll never know. It could be this guy realized he's not in a good place to date with a young child and job, so he stopped...leaving you dangling, but what can you do? Something wasn't there. We'll never know what.
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 It sounds to me like there was a lack chemistry or spark. Plus having a 3 yo is no joke.
Happy Lemming Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 But it's not a good sign when they text you the day after the date rather than call I find. Texting is a passive form of communication, calling is direct. If a man is interested, he'll CALL a woman not text her with "I had a nice time last night" as first post contact. That tells me that he's not that interested in me. 90% of the time it will end within a few days or a week. I agree with you... I'd also use the "post first date" phone call as an avenue to get suggestions for planning Date Number 2. Date Planning can be tough, especially when you want to make the person feel special and show that you "customized" the next date for that person. I'd probably also say something like "Thanks for the suggestions, let me do some research and I'll call you on Wednesday (for a Saturday night date) and let you know what I came up with." That covers all of the bases, She knows I'm interested, she knows I want to take her out, again, she knows I'm going to try to show her a fun evening and she knows when to expect my next call. If she doesn't want to go out with me again, she'll let me know on Wednesday when I call with my "Date Number 2" suggestions.
winny Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 Does to me , if you were around then and your around now , you'd have to be deaf dumb and blind to not know it's all a totally different world and mentality now in all this stuff. My point is that, just because you did not get stood up, does not mean others were not! Yes, I agree mentality of people has changed. But this mentality is same across communication channels. The people don't magically change to angels when they speak to you offline and then turn into evil ghosters online. So no meaning blaming the communication tool. It can be a separate discussion as to why people have become such cowards. I have dated people who I met in real life and people who I met thru online dating apps, and they are equally crappy.
Happy Lemming Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 It can be a separate discussion as to why people have become such cowards. I've noticed this with other people in my "day to day" dealings within all aspects of life. It seems to be a recurring theme on LS, as well. People afraid to call, afraid to approach women, etc. You make a very good point!!
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