Red2016 Posted March 1, 2018 Posted March 1, 2018 So far I have been on 4 dates with a guy who is very genuine, thoughtful, and has already said he likes me. Problem 1: He hardly ever initiates texts between dates to chat but if I text him to ask how his day was, he is sure to reply rather promptly. Problem 2: For the third date: We had plans for an outdoor activity and he suggested dinner at his place, which I said (dinner at his, maybe next time). and then he cancelled date due to a "family issue" as he was out of town. I texted him after and then he vanished. ***Couple of weeks later, I followed up a couple of times and was getting neutral replies but that he was open to meeting again. So I asked him out for drinks and we met recently and had a great time, laughter etc. Turns out, one of his close family members is very ill and he was tearing up a bit talking about it. ***Till now, my suspicion was that he was looking for a fling or a one night stand but last night when we met he did not try to invite me or anything. We ended the date by his bedtime bc he had an early shift next morning. Middle of the date, he asked me out for next week. ***After the date, he asked to see if I got home etc. but then as per usual, he doesn't really text the next day which discourages me a bit. What should I make of this? He says he is interested but not very texty and I had to ask him out and kind of chase him for the fourth date after he was MIA (which he has apologized was due to him dealing with family problem). Should I text him to see how his day was? Don't text at all? What to do :/ I am not even sure if he really likes me or just looking to fill his time...
Interstellar Posted March 1, 2018 Posted March 1, 2018 (edited) What do you mean by a couple weeks later? How many weeks before he contacted you again? Because texting is not communication. Face to face contact is, where you can see the other person’s face, facial expression, hear their voice in person, read their body language, and all those other nuances. So far he’s asking you out, he’s replying to your texts (maybe not as much as you’d like it to be), texts you to make sure you got home safely.and accdg. to you there’s laughter on your dates. What’s the problem? If you meet a guy who’s a big time texter you’ll get bored of him right away, unless you’re the insecure type. We get a lot of guys here who are big time texters asking for help because of this widespread epidemic called too much texting. Edited March 1, 2018 by Interstellar 4
Author Red2016 Posted March 1, 2018 Author Posted March 1, 2018 What do you mean by a couple weeks later? How many weeks before he contacted you again? Because texting is not communication. Face to face contact is, where you can see the other person’s face, facial expression, hear their voice in person, read their body language, and all those other nuances. So far he’s asking you out, he’s replying to your texts (maybe not as much as you’d like it to be), texts you to make sure you got home safely.and accdg. to you there’s laughter on your dates. What’s the problem? If you meet a guy who’s a big time texter you’ll get bored of him right away, unless you’re the insecure type. We get a lot of guys here who are big time texters asking for help because of this widespread epidemic called too much texting. Agreed, but after he ghosted bc of “family issue” and did not reply to my text, I texted him AGAIN and then we met.
bb444 Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 I don't think it hurts to give someone the benefit of a doubt. There are genuinely untexty people out there, & he could also actually be overwhelmed. I know that I recently had a family emergency in the middle of a very stressful time at work, & it made one of the guys that I was talking to unsure enough to walk away. It happens. If your head is where his was at, though, then definitely don't text. If that's not the case, what was his communication like when date night approached (not counting the rescheduled date)? Would he confirm dates a day or two before? Did you initiate the contact? If you did, did you bring up the dates or did he? 2
mortensorchid Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 Despite the fact that some are or are not texty people, he doesn't sound very interested in you. I'm sorry to say but based on the behaviors and his responses I would say he's not that into you to begin with. 2
fireleaf Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 What should I make of this? He says he is interested but not very texty and I had to ask him out and kind of chase him for the fourth date after he was MIA (which he has apologized was due to him dealing with family problem). Should I text him to see how his day was? Don't text at all? What to do :/ I am not even sure if he really likes me or just looking to fill his time... I tend to be scared of the phone too, so I understand if he is overwhelmed especially if there are family emergencies, but I think that he needs to meet you half way. I would also be wondering if he were truly interested at this point. It's hard to say, but I think you should wait for him to initiate this time. You don't want to get caught up in an unhealthy pattern with this guy.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 My take is that he's not really into you, but since you're so persistent, he'll casually see you for now. 3
act00 Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 It's really hard to say. This seems like a "ride it out" type of a situation, or at least that's how I would handle it, keeping in mind he's dealing with a very difficult personal situation along with having to keep up with his own life, job. The only thing I wouldn't have done was asked him out. After two lackadaisical replies, I wouldn't have bothered further contact. I don't think it's bad that you asked, and it created something...just no saying if it will stick. If he's not a texter or high communicator, you're going to have to work with it. It's probably better. I can't stand having to maintain conversation all day. Reach out, but if you're the only one reaching out, drop the rope. Refrain from texting. If he reaches out only every once in awhile, go out with him if you want, or not. It's really up to you to decide if you can work with his schedule and life...if it's not working for you, move on. It does have a suggestion of not really interested, but given the family drama right now, I think it's okay to just wait and see. Either things get better with the family and he dedicates more time to you, or he never gets around to making you a priority. 1
divegrl Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 I would not judge him based on his texting behavior. Some people love to text and some do not. I would not text him, until your date next week. Go on the date, and see how you how it goes. During the date, I would talk about your communication needs, and how often you would like to keep in touch. Then evaluate based on his response. Either way, I would not initiate anything after the next date. Sit back and watch his behavior to determine interest level. Good luck my friend!!
Author Red2016 Posted March 2, 2018 Author Posted March 2, 2018 I would not judge him based on his texting behavior. Some people love to text and some do not. I would not text him, until your date next week. Go on the date, and see how you how it goes. During the date, I would talk about your communication needs, and how often you would like to keep in touch. Then evaluate based on his response. Either way, I would not initiate anything after the next date. Sit back and watch his behavior to determine interest level. Good luck my friend!! The thing about this guy is that he comes off as being a really genuine guy when we are together. No facetiousness, player-vibes, or anything like that and when he compliments me, I believe they are genuine. If in fact he is going thru a very rough time, I can understand why he disappeared but based on his limited texting/text initiation, I am inclined to believe he is going out with me bc I am available. 1. If such is the case, is there even a point in continuing to see this guy? I don't believe that interest level is something that I can change. 2. If I send up seeing him again, should I bring up anything about lack of communication and Im not even sure if he likes me 3. Is there any possibility that some guys can take things slow? Starting out casually, and seeing each other periodically until both people figure things out?
losangelena Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 If you really want to know where his head is at, ask him. This will be your fifth date. That's enough time to start wondering where this is going, and asking him will hopefully provide some clarity. I'd say hold back on the texting. See how long he'll take it before reaching out. Go on that fifth date and see how you feel. Bottom line, if YOU don't like his communication style, then say goodbye and go find someone else. There are plenty of guys who will be better at keeping in touch and not make you question and doubt. No one likes to feel that way with someone they're seeing, and you don't have to live with it if you don't want to. Let us know what you decide to do. 1
heavenonearth Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 I would say that if someone is truly interested in you, he will make an effort to see you.
TheFinalWord Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 So far I have been on 4 dates with a guy who is very genuine, thoughtful, and has already said he likes me. Problem 1: He hardly ever initiates texts between dates to chat but if I text him to ask how his day was, he is sure to reply rather promptly. Problem 2: For the third date: We had plans for an outdoor activity and he suggested dinner at his place, which I said (dinner at his, maybe next time). and then he cancelled date due to a "family issue" as he was out of town. I texted him after and then he vanished. ***Couple of weeks later, I followed up a couple of times and was getting neutral replies but that he was open to meeting again. So I asked him out for drinks and we met recently and had a great time, laughter etc. Turns out, one of his close family members is very ill and he was tearing up a bit talking about it. ***Till now, my suspicion was that he was looking for a fling or a one night stand but last night when we met he did not try to invite me or anything. We ended the date by his bedtime bc he had an early shift next morning. Middle of the date, he asked me out for next week. ***After the date, he asked to see if I got home etc. but then as per usual, he doesn't really text the next day which discourages me a bit. What should I make of this? He says he is interested but not very texty and I had to ask him out and kind of chase him for the fourth date after he was MIA (which he has apologized was due to him dealing with family problem). Should I text him to see how his day was? Don't text at all? What to do :/ I am not even sure if he really likes me or just looking to fill his time... I would not read a lot into texting. Honestly, I forget to text a lot as I am not really into it. The main behavior that matters is if he is planning and going on dates with you. If so, he is interested. If not, or if he is random in asking you out, I would let him contact you and try not to be the one that pursues so much. You will get resentful. I will say that now he has told you he is not into texting, if you text him all the time anyway, it may start to annoy him. If you told a guy you did not like to do some activity, and he kept doing it to you anyway, would you gain or lose interest?
mortensorchid Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I realized a while back that some people are just responsive to you because they are just being polite. I've been out on OLDs and the next day one party texts the other saying "I had a nice time last night" the other replies "Thanks I did as well." And, that's it. Being polite is a good thing, no question, but it can also mask other things. And in this case, I think he's just being polite and he's not that into you. Hard to accept but ... It's just what it is. So move on from him. If you stopped texting him tomorrow he may not even notice.
newyorker11356 Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 I realized a while back that some people are just responsive to you because they are just being polite. I've been out on OLDs and the next day one party texts the other saying "I had a nice time last night" the other replies "Thanks I did as well." And, that's it. Being polite is a good thing, no question, but it can also mask other things. And in this case, I think he's just being polite and he's not that into you. Hard to accept but ... It's just what it is. So move on from him. If you stopped texting him tomorrow he may not even notice. See, to me, that's not being polite, but leading someone on. At the very least, you should let the other person know you're not feeling it with them "like that." Back to the main topic. The guy may just not be much of a texter.
Author Red2016 Posted March 3, 2018 Author Posted March 3, 2018 (edited) I would not read a lot into texting. Honestly, I forget to text a lot as I am not really into it. The main behavior that matters is if he is planning and going on dates with you. If so, he is interested. If not, or if he is random in asking you out, I would let him contact you and try not to be the one that pursues so much. You will get resentful. I will say that now he has told you he is not into texting, if you text him all the time anyway, it may start to annoy him. If you told a guy you did not like to do some activity, and he kept doing it to you anyway, would you gain or lose interest? Okay. So to be clear, it’s not that he told me that he isnt texty but in far contrast to other dating experiences he doesnt initiate text convos. So I actually dont really text him either except recently when ive asked him out etc. My impression is that his lack of text communication but good dates indicates he enjoys my company but isnt chasing me. Im not going to text until he does and see what happens... but I dont think anything will really change in terms of his behavior or interest level. I would think unless he is just really slow he would have made things more clear by now..! :/ Edited March 3, 2018 by Red2016
Author Red2016 Posted March 5, 2018 Author Posted March 5, 2018 Seems he is not going to be reaching out today. It is already noon. I suppose he is back in town by now but no word. Oh well!
Millie the Cat Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 I am sorry about this. Maybe he is still experiencing pain from his family member being sick. It seems he is very upset about this and not focused on dating. Maybe just let it go for now. If in a few weeks or months, he reaches out to you, after his family situation has passed. I know if a close family member was very sick, I would not be much focused on dating and I might flake out on dates and communicating with someone I had just started dating. If you were supposed to meet him for a date today, go ahead and text him and confirm the date.
Author Red2016 Posted March 5, 2018 Author Posted March 5, 2018 I am sorry about this. Maybe he is still experiencing pain from his family member being sick. It seems he is very upset about this and not focused on dating. Maybe just let it go for now. If in a few weeks or months, he reaches out to you, after his family situation has passed. I know if a close family member was very sick, I would not be much focused on dating and I might flake out on dates and communicating with someone I had just started dating. If you were supposed to meet him for a date today, go ahead and text him and confirm the date. It’s not that we had a set place and time but we had agreed while we met last Wednesday that we would be meeting today for dinner etc. It’s just really confusing bc I dont sense that he is a player or anything but I suppose could be that he is distracted with his family etc
Maggie4 Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 You have certain expectations. To me, he sounds interested. But I think for you, when you say interested, you mean more like smitten and chasing you. That's not actually a recipe for long term success, imo, because sometimes a person moves fast because s/he needs validation, or to mend a broken heart, or too lonely. It feels good to be wooed by a man after one or two meetings, you want him to be excited, but not all lasting love happens that way. I would say many good relationships start out with mutual understanding, being at the same pace be it fast or slow. This builds trust and positive feelings for each other. That's necessary for a loving relationship. If you need to challenge his texting behavior after a few dates, you're already off to a rocky start with negative feelings.
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