Can’t believe I’m here as the OW

[Sampson]

As time goes by I think you will clearly see that it was those feelings, the attention, the drug addiction, fantasy that you were craving and in love with. Not the man, it could have been anyone. It was the way he made you feel. But that is his way of stepping out and not having responsibilities or have to be accountable to anyone or for anything he says. His play thing.

[Floating Lilly]

Stay strong! I think you did a good job...he seems determined to keep you in the corner (so to speak).

 

He's not gonna make it easy to get away from his smooth talking lies...that's for sure.

 

It is possible you may need to be frank with him by holding your hand up and saying "no, I don't want to hear you out anymore."

 

If he asks why - you can state there is NOTHING more to say unless his divorce is FINAL. Nothing more!

 

Mainly - he's married! And until he's divorced - he is someone else's husband and shouldn't be having any personal conversations that try to make you feel more connected to him! If he's not divorced - then he's married...and all his words are just lies to waste your time on him.

 

 

I think you’re right about him trying to keep me in a corner, most of my past relationships I’ve been the follower type which gives bad guys an ego boost I guess having a ready made toy to play with whenever. It’s quite backswards thinking on my part as to me that was when I felt safest having someone else take the reigns with my parents I my mind was molded so much that what they said was gospel truth even if it was damaging to me. Another thing I have to talk about in IC

 

As for MM I haven’t answered his calls, I saw in our events log that his brother is having a birthday in one of our halls and he has put down his wife and 2kids as guests, when I saw it I got jealous that here they are in the open out and proud and then I got scared if I was to see his wife face to face with the kids would she know by my face, what if he files would they still come as a couple, I know I’m working on that day.

 

I injected myself into their life divorce or no divorce I need to get myself out stay away and focus on me. My cousin asked me a question yesterday about whether I would be happy if he got divorced, finalised everything, sorted out counselling for himself and contacted me and I honestly couldnt answer her I feel ashamed about that

 

I’ve been ona rollercoaster of emotions and just thought of myself being in this situation, how many years can I be walking on eggshells waiting in the wings. I have to get myself off of this drug I not only made my life harder by getting involved with a MM but my work life aswel staying away from someone that I not only work with but is my superior is torture. Jobhunting helps hopefully soon I will hear something

[Floating Lilly]

Good work not taking his calls! He's not divorcing her - he wouldn't list her as a guest to the party if he intended to leave her.

 

Move forward with your new job plans. Don't even tell him when you get a new job.

 

And call in sick the day of that party! That way you don't have to see him snuggling up to her.

 

My cousin called me this morning we’re going for breakfast I told her about the party and she said “ there you go either way he’s not a good man, if he is planning to divorce her why is he going to be at a party with her playing happy families blindsiding her instead of distancing himself being respectful to her and if he’s going with her as her husband and partner then he’s lying to you”

 

The only time I’ll tell him is when I hand in my notice to HR and they tell him

[Sampson]

Wait, Pause, Think

 

I am going to try to describe something here, hopefully I don't mess it up.

 

As you feel ashamed, anger, and hurt by this affair this obviously is a low and the feelings of good words, carefree times, etc. is a high. This is a similar to a drug addiction you want to feel those feelings even if there are not good for you. And as you pull away it will hurt, this is giving him power making it easier over time because you are doing the work you are pulling away you are hurt, ashamed, etc. You have to recognize this "slack or space" in the emotions and work to ensure it doesn't have a power over you and your choices.

[Floating Lilly]

HI everyone

 

Just thought I’d give an update on what’s happening it’s been pretty full on with MM these past days, messaging me and calling at all hours. He’s rescheduled his days to work late when I’m working which has made it hard to resist going backwards. His wife called him when he was staying later than usual I heard him tell her I told you I was staying late he then exscused himself from the office.

I’m not sure what he told her but it’s hard to keep my mind from wondering what he said to appease her. When he came back he told me that he wanted us to go somewhere for the weekend so we have time alone to talk about us, that we need to figure out or plan when he gets his divorce, he wants to get us a house somewhere new and he wants to leave his job so that people won’t talk bad about me behind my back.

 

My heart thought oh he’s thinking about my needs but then my head took over I said to him “so you want us to get a fresh start so you don’t have to face what you did when we’re walking down the street you want to leave this job so no one here knows about us and what we did and what you did so your reputation to your colleagues is all good. Tell me how your divorce is going?” Ofcourse he didn’t answer

 

I’m trying to stay professional and ignore him but I just want to scream and shout at him and tell him exactly what I truly think of him. I know I’m no innocent but it seems I’m the only one battling with my mind.

 

My cousin told me to tell his wife if he doesn’t back off, selfishly I don’t want to it’ll bring him into the real world but also myself I know that telling her would be me trying to escape him but selfishly I know I don’t want someone to hold that mirror up to me just yet. It’s hard enough to hold it up myself.

 

My jobhunting is going really well got an interview next week so fingers crossed.

[Sampson]

It is hard, it is torture. But keep your head.

 

The words and promises are less than honest or genuine. This is his way of dealing with loosing control. No longer being able to capture your attention at the drop of a text, joke, or walking into a room. He doesn't feel so powerful or wanted and he doesn't like that so he wants to figure out what your button is to get you back on the affair train. It will only get worse until you draw the line and put a stop to it because he has no penalty for trying so why not right?

 

Buying a house, quitting a job, leaving friends but he can't do the right thing and divorce his wife. So he just lies to her stringing her along with her feeling the marriage is great. Making plans to attend parties and events with her loving husband etc.

 

You deserve better. You can do better, you are better than this. You just have to demand it of yourself.

 

Affairs are so destructive to everyone involved

[Floating Lilly]

 

I think letting him know if he talks personal stuff to you and you'll tell his wife what he's been doing is a great idea!

 

I told him this yesterday when he told me he had proof of a divorce papers coming through the look on his face made me feel so pathetic, it was that look of no you won’t and you never will because you love me. He hasn’t messaged me though so maybe a part of him feels but just incase I won’t.

 

Whatever the reason I’m glad for the break

[Floating Lilly]

So I decided to just vent and rant on here as I feel I’m wearing my cousin down constantly with talks of my MM. Today I come into work and there’s an envelope for me my colleague tells me it’s from HR so I just assume it’s my payslips. I open it up and I get a letter from MM stupidly I read it curiosity just got the better of me it starts “Hi FL I know you told me not to contact you but I wanted to prove to you that I am making steps for us to be together, I have moved in with my brother (he had a printout of an email he sent to our HR department with the change of address and it is in the same area where he said his brother lives) I hope you read this so you know how serious I am about being with you. I want to be a better man to you than I have been. Not speaking to you is hard but I understand it’s necessary, hopefully you will read this I want you to know how much I love you and that you can depend on me. Just give me some time I will have the proof you need that I am serious and I will show you everything you need to see

 

My heart is yours always

MM”

 

After I read that I just shredded it and now my mind is racing back and forth with what ifs, what now, how do I feel. My mind has just gone to mush and I just want to scream and just release evenly emotion I have. Now I know why they say curiosity killed the cat. I’ve bee trawling the sites now for AP’s that went into proper relationships I’m reading up on OW that have been confronted by BS. Then I read pages of threads in the infidelity section and nearly lost it emotionally from all the stories

 

Right now I’m outside smoking in the rain trying to snap my mind back into gear I feel so alone right now I guess this is just another thing to add to the list my therapist has to help me with

[Adotta]

So I decided to just vent and rant on here as I feel I’m wearing my cousin down constantly with talks of my MM. Today I come into work and there’s an envelope for me my colleague tells me it’s from HR so I just assume it’s my payslips. I open it up and I get a letter from MM stupidly I read it curiosity just got the better of me it starts “Hi FL I know you told me not to contact you but I wanted to prove to you that I am making steps for us to be together, I have moved in with my brother (he had a printout of an email he sent to our HR department with the change of address and it is in the same area where he said his brother lives) I hope you read this so you know how serious I am about being with you. I want to be a better man to you than I have been. Not speaking to you is hard but I understand it’s necessary, hopefully you will read this I want you to know how much I love you and that you can depend on me. Just give me some time I will have the proof you need that I am serious and I will show you everything you need to see

 

My heart is yours always

MM”

 

After I read that I just shredded it and now my mind is racing back and forth with what ifs, what now, how do I feel. My mind has just gone to mush and I just want to scream and just release evenly emotion I have. Now I know why they say curiosity killed the cat. I’ve bee trawling the sites now for AP’s that went into proper relationships I’m reading up on OW that have been confronted by BS. Then I read pages of threads in the infidelity section and nearly lost it emotionally from all the stories

 

Right now I’m outside smoking in the rain trying to snap my mind back into gear I feel so alone right now I guess this is just another thing to add to the list my therapist has to help me with

 

First calm down. As it stands it's just words on paper. Untill there is action and the divorce is WELL under way just sit back and let him prove his love.

 

Think of this as a test for him. He should jump through a few hoops not just because you need proof but also because it will wash away the idea in his head that he controls you.

 

Keep your chin up. Maybe this relationship can work. I don't think it's super likely looking at the odds but maybe. Just don't let yourself be conned. Give it a few months of letting him fall all over himself. I'm not saying be mean or super cold to him but you can not give him the idea you are waiting on tender hooks for his every word.

 

I would still recomend not being involved with this man but of you can't do that be with him in a smart way. I'm hoping for the best FL.

[Sampson]

This is going to sound like a nay sayer response. But I want to give you some perspective.

 

So he has said he moved out to his brother place. And to prove this he changed his address via email to HR.

 

Did this email contain anything about he is separating or beginning the process of divorcing his wife?

 

Let me guess HR just thinks his mailing address has changed. What exactly does HR mail anymore. I am sure his wife still has no idea the marriage is over.

 

Is this upcoming event party thing still happening with his wife in attendance?

 

I am afraid this is sounding like future faking. Because having a conversation that the marriage is over and filing for divorce is not difficult you would think since he is professing so much love and future with you. Just saying.

 

Look at what this has done and how close to reaching out to him you were just by this letter.

Another MIND GAME move.

 

How would he feel if you mailed this letter to his wife? Just asking.

Edited March 24, 2018 by Sampson

[BourneWicked]

The above is good advice. It is funny; many posters, myself included, talk about how much the MM don't want to be seen as bad guys (but hey, none of us do). So it's possible this is a bunch of smoke to lure you back in.

 

However, I would say, if you want to believe him, believe him. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, do it.

 

Then realize that he is not any part of your life until he does what he says he is doing. If he is serious, he will finalize his affairs, and he may be doing the right thing by staying out of contact. He will present you with some ironically romantic divorce papers and make things right between the two of you.

 

If he contacts you and you feel the need to respond, I'd say go for it. Wish him the best, tell him you care about him, etc, but can't be involved with him or further contact him while he's still married.

 

All the while, recognize that when it's finalized, and he's had some time to work through his emotions about it, that's when it means something. And you can get busy living your life, whether that time comes or not.

[Floating Lilly]

Thanks everyone for the replies

 

I had a lot of time to think today quiet night at work, about his brothers event it’s only him and the kids now I’ve looked on the list but I’ve already got that day off so I won’t see any of it. The HR email was to update the address on the system I did do the same when I moved to get it changed on my payslip.

 

A part of me wants to reach out and see what is going on. I put myself in this position waiting in the shadows. I want to just have a conversation with him about where he is at but that’s not my place I want everything out in the open so I don’t have to run and hide just to think my feelings through.

 

Bournewicked part of me does believe him but that might be me just wanting to be able to say all the hurt to follow was worth it because we’re in love I don’t know. I think my mind is just muddled and confused I did admit to my cousin that I do love him she asked if I could see a future with him I said yes. She says I should get over him and move on but I don’t know if I can or want to just move on.

 

Whether I wait for him or not I will still continue to work on myself I don’t know what will happen between me and MM I don’t know if he wants me seriously or not I guess only time will tell

[Whisky30]

I am in the EXACT same position (minus the Boyf. I'm am single). I have o ky got through a quarter of these replies but I am going to read through every single one of them. I thought I was alone but it seems as though this is quite common. I'm shocked at how I could be so blind.