Author Floating Lilly Posted March 2, 2018 Author Posted March 2, 2018 Now I’m on my way home I didn’t wait for my MM but I have this guilt in my mind about not waiting I know it’s irrational but I feel bad
Adotta Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 Now I’m on my way home I didn’t wait for my MM but I have this guilt in my mind about not waiting I know it’s irrational but I feel bad I'm so proud of you! Way to go. The journey out of this is taken one step at a time. There will be hard days. there will be days where you want to throw every gain out the window. Don't beat your self up for every mistake you make. Especially dont beat yourself up for what you feel. As long as you are really trying and not just throwing in a token effort you can only improve your situation. There will be days you feel horrible. But emotion follows action. It won't be instantly but if you want to feel a certain way take actions in line with that and somewhere along the way you will find yourself walking far down the path of life and looking at all this as ancient history wondering how it seemed so hard back then. Our stories are not really exactly the same but I feel a strong connection to you. I'm emotionally invested in you already. We both had things happen to us as children that changed our understanding of relationships. I hope you keep us updated and take care of yourself. I don't know your name or face or just about anything about you but it is already to the point that if you stopped posting suddenly I would get worried, sad and I would hope your ok. Do you have any friends lily? Do you have anyone your close to? Someone like that will help you get through this. Even if you don't tell them what's wrong. Just a shoulder to lean on can do wonders. I broke down in front of my brother about a month ago. It was very embarrassing but it helped. He was there for me when I needed someone. Do you have any hobbies? I threw myself into working out. It helped immensely. I would pop my ear buds in and just RUN and run and run. 1
grass-hopper Posted March 2, 2018 Posted March 2, 2018 You are only seeing a fantasy in your MM. He is only showing, talking, and doing what he thinks you will like. You are creating the perfect person every conversation, every text message, every meeting you have together. It is all so perfect. Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life. But in reality it is not a true authentic relationship, he does not share his moody mornings, anger or outbursts, responsibilities, bills, and when he discusses his family he seems like the perfect man (but in reality he is emotionally murdering his family). Am I close? This is very true. But he can’t hide behind the mask forever. Once he gets comfortable enough he will start to show that ugly side to you. My MM did that often. Out of no where he’d take on a mood and make me feel like it was all my fault and then come back the next day without explanation or apology. Because I didn’t deserve that. Those sorrys went to his wife. Those explanations went to his wife. I was just the one he used for his own ego boost. Whether I was showering him with attention or whether I was taking his BS and not questioning. He could be anyone to me and I accepted him as the perfect man. He groomed me so much to the point that even right now I feel like I have lost everything in losing him. And he just threw me away like trash after all of it. It feels like he emotionally murderer me. Please take my advice, and everyone else’s advice. End it now. It’s going to be hard. But it’s far worse when you’re the one left.
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 3, 2018 Author Posted March 3, 2018 I'm so proud of you! Way to go. The journey out of this is taken one step at a time. There will be hard days. there will be days where you want to throw every gain out the window. Don't beat your self up for every mistake you make. Especially dont beat yourself up for what you feel. As long as you are really trying and not just throwing in a token effort you can only improve your situation. There will be days you feel horrible. But emotion follows action. It won't be instantly but if you want to feel a certain way take actions in line with that and somewhere along the way you will find yourself walking far down the path of life and looking at all this as ancient history wondering how it seemed so hard back then. Our stories are not really exactly the same but I feel a strong connection to you. I'm emotionally invested in you already. We both had things happen to us as children that changed our understanding of relationships. I hope you keep us updated and take care of yourself. I don't know your name or face or just about anything about you but it is already to the point that if you stopped posting suddenly I would get worried, sad and I would hope your ok. Do you have any friends lily? Do you have anyone your close to? Someone like that will help you get through this. Even if you don't tell them what's wrong. Just a shoulder to lean on can do wonders. I broke down in front of my brother about a month ago. It was very embarrassing but it helped. He was there for me when I needed someone. Do you have any hobbies? I threw myself into working out. It helped immensely. I would pop my ear buds in and just RUN and run and run. Thankyou adotta for your support. I’m working the courage up to tell my cousin all of a sudden why I’m going to counselling and have moved out of my house. My xbf and I left on pretty bad terms, I didn’t tell him about the MM but he was very angry that I was leaving him. Called me all sorts and told me a few home truths about myself, I just sat there and took it I’m having an affair with my married boss not like I can play the high and mighty card. I’m happy to be out of there I’m going to throw myself back into my art and drawing that was my childhood escapism helps my mind to wander off. 1
Sampson Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 One day one decision at a time. Remember to wait pause think on any feeling or emotion before choosing a path. As the emotional rollercoaster mind games are going to begin. Be prepared for your MM to manipulate your feelings to come back to him. Identify those attempts. NC is best. Read a book called "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass it's available on Amazon.
Sampson Posted March 3, 2018 Posted March 3, 2018 P.S. His attempts will be coming at all directions because if you leave him, ignore him, say no, you have control. Also he will feel inadequate and that is not something he will like because he feels powerful so he will do just about anything to find your "on again" button. It's a trap!!
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 4, 2018 Author Posted March 4, 2018 It doesn't matter if it's a gift he thinks he needs to give you. The ONLY gift he needs to show you for consideration is final divorce papers - if it's not that - then don't bother with him at all! He's playing you for a fool. I agree, although I doubt this is a gift he’s going to present me with anytime soon. Who knows what he’s thinking or feeling. I do want to confront him about what’s happening I just want to know if he’s going through what I am
Crazelnut Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 I agree, although I doubt this is a gift he’s going to present me with anytime soon. Who knows what he’s thinking or feeling. I do want to confront him about what’s happening I just want to know if he’s going through what I am Sweetie, this will serve no purpose. Knowing what he's going through will not change what you know you need to do. It will only make you weaker. Think of this situation like your cell phone. It's not plugged in to a charger. Each time you turn it on and interact with it, the battery runs down a little bit. Do that enough and the thing eventually runs out of power and is useless. 1
grass-hopper Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 One day one decision at a time. Remember to wait pause think on any feeling or emotion before choosing a path. As the emotional rollercoaster mind games are going to begin. Wait... pause... think... I need to remember this. Because some moments the feelings are so intense that I want to text and pour my heart out to him and tell him I miss him and love him. But I know it won’t be reciprocated. Every feeling he had i took in. I reciprocated. And just as easy as they came in, they have been taken away. Like he just turned it off. How does that happen? So wait, pause and think. Great advice
Adotta Posted March 4, 2018 Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) P.S. His attempts will be coming at all directions because if you leave him, ignore him, say no, you have control. Also he will feel inadequate and that is not something he will like because he feels powerful so he will do just about anything to find your "on again" button. It's a trap!! Sampson is spot on. This isn't about love for him in all likelihood. It's about him feeling like king ****. Your a notch in his belt right now. If you walk away from him he will feel like he ain't such a hot **** stud anymore. All men want to feel like they're studs. It's just this man is willing to sacrifice YOU to get that feeling. As long as your hung up over him he can feel like a bad ass mofo. If you truly want his advances to stop , the best way is to out him to his wife. There is the drawback of your work being involved and I believe your not ready for that quite yet but hold it in reserve. If the time comes and you decide unequivocally that your done with him and you want him to stop you can always use his job and wife as a threat to make him stop. Again I think you need to be alone for a while. You should bunker down and work on you. Is there something you wanted to accomplish but never had the time? Maybe you have some vacations days built up? Being around this guy is going to play hell with your ability to think. No matter what he does you will be analyzing everything he does for hidden meaning. And don't get me wrong. This guy might not even intend to use you. Most people need to convince themselves what they are doing is ok when they do somthing bad. This guy might not be a "bad apple" but that doesn't change the end of this story any. You wondering if he feels the same accomplishes nothing. If you find out he loves you and is in pain.... it just makes it that much harder to leave. If you find out he is a cold hearted narcissistic then you will feel like crap for being used. There is no upside to learning his true feeling and no way to verify the truth of them anyways. It's an exercise of futility. Edited March 4, 2018 by Adotta 1
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 4, 2018 Author Posted March 4, 2018 I’ve spent so many hours analysing and trying to pick out details of what he says that makes me understand him. Telling his wife right now seems so much of a betrayal to him but I think that’s my own skewed perception. I don’t know if I’m holding out for him to confess his undying love for me just to feel like these sleepless nights and emotional rollercoasters were for nothing.
Adotta Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 I’ve spent so many hours analysing and trying to pick out details of what he says that makes me understand him. Telling his wife right now seems so much of a betrayal to him but I think that’s my own skewed perception. I don’t know if I’m holding out for him to confess his undying love for me just to feel like these sleepless nights and emotional rollercoasters were for nothing. I did that too. I tried analyzing and hoping I meant something profound to her. It didn't help. The only way I could decouple from her was to realize, EVEN IF she loved me with the intensity of a thousand suns, me and her together where poison. I could do better. Alot better. she was hot great in bed and smart. that's NOT ENOUGH. There are 3 and a half billion men out there. There are better ones then thus guy. If this guy was talking divorce and making efforts and I mean serious efforts to leave his wife you would stand a chance. But he's not. And don't take this as an excuse to stick around till he does want to leave his wife. That never works out. I feel like your reverting. You had such good introspection happening. You where beginning to understand the why of what draws you to a new man so easily. You where begging to dig. I feel like you are back to accepting crumbs. Back to being his little pet. How is working out a councilor going?
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 5, 2018 Author Posted March 5, 2018 I did that too. I tried analyzing and hoping I meant something profound to her. It didn't help. The only way I could decouple from her was to realize, EVEN IF she loved me with the intensity of a thousand suns, me and her together where poison. I could do better. Alot better. she was hot great in bed and smart. that's NOT ENOUGH. There are 3 and a half billion men out there. There are better ones then thus guy. If this guy was talking divorce and making efforts and I mean serious efforts to leave his wife you would stand a chance. But he's not. And don't take this as an excuse to stick around till he does want to leave his wife. That never works out. I feel like your reverting. You had such good introspection happening. You where beginning to understand the why of what draws you to a new man so easily. You where begging to dig. I feel like you are back to accepting crumbs. Back to being his little pet. How is working out a councilor going? It’s going well I’ve enlisted the help from my cousin finally told her everything what’s been going on. It feels nice to just get out all my feelings instead of only having my mind to think and think and think and then come to my own conclusions. I’m worried about going back to work as MM will be there on my first night back. But I will try to stay strong only talk about work anything else I need to shut down. My cousin says that i need to tell him I’m done I’m scared to and I feel so stupid for putting myself in a situation where my life is now turned upside down my head is mush and my job could be at risk
Poppy47 Posted March 5, 2018 Posted March 5, 2018 Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM. Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going! This is without a doubt the best thing you can do. Just leave and don't look back. Poppy
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 5, 2018 Author Posted March 5, 2018 Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM. Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going! This is what I’m planning to do I’ve already started looking 1
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 7, 2018 Author Posted March 7, 2018 UPDATE: Tonight is my first day back at work wasn’t expecting to see my MM today but he was in the office when I got in, I was polite and so was he until we were left in the office alone out came the pouring of the heart. He missed me, he hated not talking to me. I told him you didn’t message me at all on my days off I wouldn’t have answers but it’s not like I’ve been ignoring phone calls or anything. He told me he was busy with the family and he could t get away from his phone. I said I didn’t want to be a toilet phone call or a hide round the corner text. He said the usual fluff talk that he hates how he’s making me feel and that I deserve more and he wants to give me more. Then he dropped a bombshell told me that he wants to leave her but to give him time to get things sorted, I asked him get what sorted. He said he needs to figure out the kids situation I said divorce proceedings would do that, he said he needs to figure out the house and assets I said again divorce proceedings would help you with that. He seemed stunned that I wasn’t falling in his arms or on my knees praising him. I said you figure out your marriage stay with her don’t stay, move out do t move out that’s up to you. I’m not waiting for you to figure things out for years so you can leave or sneak out of your situation. He said he loved me I said do you really people that love each other don’t say I wanted to call you but I was with family people that love each other don’t say wait for me to figure out my marriage and kids. People that love each other do everything they can to be together in an instant. I asked him when he left for work did he tell his wife he loved her, he didn’t answer me. I’m embarrassed to say I had tears in my eyes at this point and I let him hug me. I said if you loved me you would say I filed for a divorce and I’m looking for a place so as not to uproot my kids this is what I’m doing so we can be together. He told me to trust him give him a few more months to get his stuff together that it’s not easy just to walk away from his kids that he loves me and wants to be with me. I know walking away from your children isn’t easy and being a part time parent isn’t easy but millions of people do it. They do it for all sorts of reasons. Am I not worth it happiness with me isn’t worth it it seems. He sent me a a message saying trust me Lilly I love you more than anything and I’ll do what’s right by you I want it to be you and me.
whatcomesnext Posted March 7, 2018 Posted March 7, 2018 I’ve never been in your particular position Lilly, but I’ll give you my thoughts anyway. First, good job holding your ground and not succumbing. If he is serious, let him work out his situation and start things with you when it’s resolved. Second, if he is serious about divorcing (which it’s too soon to tell), have you considered whether you seriously want to be with him? He’s making it sound like he is leaving the marriage to be with you. Again, it remains to be seen whether this is all talk, but if it is not and you don’t know if you love him you might consider telling him that he should divorce for his own reasons and not solely because of you. Even if you do love him you should want him to divorce for reasons separate from you. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship that is still in its early stages. 1
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 7, 2018 Author Posted March 7, 2018 I’ve never been in your particular position Lilly, but I’ll give you my thoughts anyway. First, good job holding your ground and not succumbing. If he is serious, let him work out his situation and start things with you when it’s resolved. Second, if he is serious about divorcing (which it’s too soon to tell), have you considered whether you seriously want to be with him? He’s making it sound like he is leaving the marriage to be with you. Again, it remains to be seen whether this is all talk, but if it is not and you don’t know if you love him you might consider telling him that he should divorce for his own reasons and not solely because of you. Even if you do love him you should want him to divorce for reasons separate from you. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship that is still in its early stages. To be honest I feel like I do love him, him saying he wants out of the marriage has thrown me but I don’t trust that I love him because I love him and it’s a genuine connection or it’s my mind convincing me that I love him. This is why I’m goinng to counselling. This starts on Friday and I don’t know what the outcome for my mind will be, I don’t want him to leave for me specifically as fairytale romance as this is if he’s unhappy then he needs to leave not just to be in a new exciting relationship. Maybe he doesn’t love her and needed that push to leave again that has to be his own decision regarding his marriage. If he truly loves me and cares for me then he would understand the time I need to take for myself and would support me in that. If we were to jump into a relationship together right out of divorce he may use that as ammo against me and I would feel obliged to stay because of his sacrifice this is again giving him power to use me. This is something I’m not in the mood for this is the first time I’ve taken time for my own mind and actually allowed it to speak I don’t want to lock it away again to appease others. This is what I have to tell him face to face I don’t know what he’ll say, he may file tomorrow, confess his love to me to the world and we walk off into the sunset together who knows but I need to start a relationship with my own power and stability firmly in place. Right now my brain is just mush my imagination is running wild my mind is filling in blanks that it shouldn’t.
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 7, 2018 Author Posted March 7, 2018 Hi S2B that’s still my plan, I need a fresh start in my job somewhere new, I can’t hold his head above water whilst I’m barely gasping for air. I have never witnessed anyone going through a divorce but what I’ve read it’s a painstaking painful process which he needs to sort out with his wife his kids, finance and his own thoughts and feelings. It can’t be just because he thinks I’m there to hold his hand whilst he does it and take on his responsibilities jointly. He needs to go through this as a single man I can’t allow myself to be the crutch. You’re right I will tell him not to contact me during his divorce if he is actually going to go through it who knows. And only after not only when the divorce is final but when he’s settled and improving himself as a better person a good father. Not that it’s only him I also played a role in his failings as a husband knowing I’m the distraction from problems is something I will carry around with me knowing the time he took from his wife and kids was because I allowed him to do so I wanted him to do so rather than telling him to go home I know the part I played in this affair and I’m not proud of the deceit or the part I’ve played in his decision. If it’s all true and he does divorce then we both need to make sure we can be better people to figure ourselves out and to not cheat again. The blind can’t lead the blind it needs to be a separate effort not just half an effort because we decide to be together. I’m thankful for all the input and blunt honesty I’ve gotten on ls left to my own mind I would’ve just carried on as I was. 1
Sampson Posted March 7, 2018 Posted March 7, 2018 Told you in a prior post the mind games would begin. He doesn't need time to figure out assets and kids. Divorce proceedings in most if not all states take up to and over a year with mediation meetings where these things are worked out between the parties. His wife has no idea that there is an issue in the marriage or that he is sleeping around. Hence why he "couldn't talk or text because he was with his family" so everything was great and he was having a good time with his wife and kids and didn't want to ruin it. See the obvious holes in his story here. He is going to tell you what ever you want to hear or hook onto so he can continue his affair with you. His words will be rainbows and unicorn farts whatever he thinks you want to hear. Please separate yourself from this toxic situation. Just trying to help. 2
Vivir Posted March 7, 2018 Posted March 7, 2018 Hi there Lilly, I agree with Sampson and S2B... and Whatcomesnext... He might be telling you the truth... but his actions haven't been matching his words... and until they do, he is both biding his time and wasting yours. Thus, what he said is ALL TALK. Meanwhile, there are quite a few contradictions between what he said and what he did that stood out to me in your post. You have pointed out these contradictions - so has S2B and Sampson. Awareness is key. Most of the time, you can count on people to do what is in their own best interests. If there is a benefit for you, you can bet there is a benefit for the other person... This is something that you already know; I am just reminding you. I think it's great that you are standing your ground here and questioning his words. My impression of your latest interaction is that he will keep adding it on if the previous words no longer work on you. Can you find a way to pretend to be indifferent to his words? (extremely hard, I know) Keep questioning him; make it harder and harder for him to win at manipulating your decisions.
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 7, 2018 Author Posted March 7, 2018 I guess I thought that hearing him out meant that I could stick up for myself put him straight on how I feel. But if he’s going to use that to get at me more then you guys are right I need to not speak to him at all except for work and I can make that minimal I have to be strong it’s such a battle
Adotta Posted March 7, 2018 Posted March 7, 2018 I guess I thought that hearing him out meant that I could stick up for myself put him straight on how I feel. But if he’s going to use that to get at me more then you guys are right I need to not speak to him at all except for work and I can make that minimal I have to be strong it’s such a battle Honestly at this point he has to prove he is leaving her. He has to file for divorce. Anything short of that is just flapping lips. Don't sit around a wait. Don't talk to him about anything but business. Don't let him chat you up because he will use it as a wedge to start things back up. If you can't cut him off at least do NOT go physical again. Let him prove his words before that. It's just a few months if he files now then you can start a proper relationship with him. I'm not going to tell you this relationship is doomed from the start but as long as he is married this is a big waste of your time and a huge weight on your soul. I know your afraid. Afraid that he doesn't love you enough and if you go cold on him he will leave. If he does leave it only proves his pretty words as lies. Yes divorce is hard. Especially with kids. But that is not your problem. This is a messy situation. Keep your own dignity and self respect and you will be fine. And realize he isn't the be all end all. There are other great men out ther. Also even if you do end up with this guy go to counciling. You have some stuff that needs working out and if you don't the same could happen with this guy that happened with the last. Spend the next few months keeping your distance from him but keep an eye on him. See if his words ring true with his ACTIONS. Work on yourself in the meanwhile. a truly happy and healthy person can be happy alone. Having a partner is nice but your life can't revolve around always having some attached at your hip. Figure this out and your finding a recipe for an awsome and happy and healthy life. Any relationship you have with this guy will only be enhanced by any gains you make through introspection and counciling. Sorry if there are any spelling issues I'm at work and I don't have much time to check Grammer and spelling issues.
Author Floating Lilly Posted March 8, 2018 Author Posted March 8, 2018 I had my first therapy session today, I think it went ok I was surprised at how much I just spoke and spoke and spoke without being cut off or being told no your wrong. It was refreshing although she probably thought I was an emotional wreck MM called me a lot today I ignored him, he texted me saying I miss you but I just deleted the message. Today when I came into work I was professional towards him although it was a struggle not going back into our old routine as I felt so drained from letting all my emotions out I just needed a hug and someone’s comfort but I went to get some cake from our kitchen instead. he tried to start conversations about us, including his divorce and I just exscused myself from the office I went into the bathroom and just stood against the wall hoping he would leave by the time I get back. I just felt such a pull towards him my head was saying go to him it was like it was screaming it at me but I waited and waited. When I got back he was still there, waiting for me I don’t know but he said he left me a note not open for everyone to see but just for me, he left suddenly when he got a call no guessing at who it was from but I’m trying to not let my mind wander into that, I thought to myself open the note then throw it away but I shredded it. I still feel like a wreck and want to reach out to him but my mind is conflicted so much pushing me to him and pulling me away, right now the pull is stronger.
Sampson Posted March 9, 2018 Posted March 9, 2018 That pull you feel towards him, to open the note, to hear his words, that is just your mind telling you how easy it is to just give into those good feelings no matter the consequences... think drug addiction. You are doing well, but he will not stop until you tell him to. He will keep making you feel special, making you feel responsible for his pain, etc. Keep strong, you are worth more than that. More than a married man's side piece.
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