ly399 Posted February 27, 2018 Posted February 27, 2018 5 months into relationship, we are madly in love. I finally feel i found the one. I had two other serious relationships and a few shorter ones, none of them made me feel as comfortable. Now we spend every night together and he moved most of his clothes and stuff into my place. Today we accidentally started the conversation of move in together. His lease ends in Aug. I'm scared of letting him move in officially. I want to wait until we are engaged. I have my own place, nicely furnished. He will throw away all his furniture (it cost more to move those items than buying new ones). His personal belongs are already at my place, clothes, books, tools, etc. His apt is empty except the furniture and a tv. Since my tv broke, he wanted to bring his to my place. I told him we should wait. His tv is the last item in his apt that he can move. I was in a 4 year relationship, my ex fiancé lived with me. The whole thing ended terribly. After we broke up, he slept on his best friend's couch for weeks, he didn't even own a bed by the time he moved out. I'm worried if this relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason, he will lose his home like my ex. We talked about marriage and life plans. We are very compatible, i can see us happy down the road. He said he will propose between 1-1.5 years into relationship, aka in about 7+ months. I'm ok with that, it's a life decision. Feeling wise, i would love him to move in with me; logically, i don't want tragedy of my past relationship to repeat. How do i let him know my stand is firm on engagement first and move in next without making him feel pressured or rejected. He mentioned move in since month three, i have been telling him to hold off. By Aug, we are 10 months into relationship, since he wont propose until 1-1.5 year into relationship, i'm not comfortable living with a boyfriend without engagement.
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2018 Posted February 27, 2018 You are still in your honeymoon phase, you have no clue yet what this man is all about. Until you have dated a full year, until you've had a huge disagreement, you don't know what he's made of. Tell him things are perfect the way they are right now and you will be happy to move in with him August 2019 when you're engaged. Is he pressuring you? If he is then I strongly insist you stay strong on your decision of no moving-in yet. If you still agree to move in together next August then have him keep his furniture in a locker. Those are cheap to rent and if you split he'll have no excuse to not move out. Is he financially responsible? 6
lana-banana Posted February 27, 2018 Posted February 27, 2018 Five months in and he's already mostly moved in to your place and you're spending every night together? Huge red flag. I get that every couple is different, but you both need to slow way the heck down. You should ask to table the move-in conversation til at least mid-June, and in the meantime you can emphasize that you want engagement to precede cohabitation. I was like you; I was pretty firmly opposed to living together without engagement, but ultimately decided I wanted a bit of a trial run first. My husband and I compromised: I moved in with him six months before his lease expired, with the agreement that by the end of six months we would either be engaged or go our separate ways. (We'd already been dating a year and a half before I moved in, though.) Seriously, it's way too soon to be worrying about this. If this guy is sincere and stable he will understand your desire to get things right. Real love is worth the wait. 3
winny Posted February 27, 2018 Posted February 27, 2018 Tell him directly- hey i really enjoy our time together and would love for us to move in but only after we are engaged. Our relationship is still very new and for it to grow and be healthy some amount of space is needed. I am sure you are mature to understand what i mean and be supportive.. DONT MOVE IN when you are not ready! I would go crazy if 2 months into a relationship a guy starts moving his stuff into my apt... 3
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2018 Posted February 27, 2018 Tell him to renew his lease in August & that you can revisit the issue next year. You will be further along in your relationship then & it will sound less like rejection or pressure to express your desire for an engagement before cohabitating. You can also just say you think it's too early or that you don't believe in it. You don't want to get engaged this early any more than you want to move in. It's just too early for either. 5
heavenonearth Posted February 27, 2018 Posted February 27, 2018 5 months and already talking about moving in? Way too early, in my honest opinion. I would never again move in with someone before the 2 year mark! You can't really know someone prior to that, all their quirks and likes and dislikes, and how you really vibe on a daily level. 4
Sundra1 Posted February 28, 2018 Posted February 28, 2018 Tell him to roll his lease into month to month. Most landlords do that after a year. Either that or tell him to wait another year...it's just a year. If he plans on proposing, it really won't be that big of a deal. That being said, I do think you should really try living together a little bit before hand if not entirely.
RecentChange Posted February 28, 2018 Posted February 28, 2018 I agree with telling him to switch to a month to month. Being as he has given you a time line as to how long to wait until he MIGHT propose, I think that is more than fair. Every couple is different. I met my husband on the last day of October, and we were officially living together the first week of June (so 8 months). Worked fantastically for us, but marriage was never important to us (didn't marry until many years later!), and the forever talk had already been long underway - so I didn't really have any concerns about cohabiting. It made sense for us.
SevenCity Posted February 28, 2018 Posted February 28, 2018 5 months and already talking about moving in? Way too early, in my honest opinion. I would never again move in with someone before the 2 year mark! You can't really know someone prior to that, all their quirks and likes and dislikes, and how you really vibe on a daily level. You don't really know someone until you live with them. 4
viatori patuit Posted February 28, 2018 Posted February 28, 2018 I am the opposite personally. I wouldn’t propose unless I lived with someone for a bit. I tend to think knowing someone requires those unscripted things living together would entail. I also wouldn’t put a time limit on proposing. If someone is “the one” then a few months might be fine. As for the timing that is really irrelevant to me. I don’t understand the whole idea that there is a formal time for that to be acceptable. I have never seen a correlation between compatibility and timing. People are compatible or they are not. If it feels and looks right then take a chance. The whole burning of the ships process I suppose. Good luck either way. If he really is the one then he will appreciate your concerns and accommodate no matter what. 2
4EverHisPrincess Posted February 28, 2018 Posted February 28, 2018 Sweetie it sounds like you're open to marrying your boyfriend, but would like to be married first before moving in together and there's nothing wrong with that. If he cares about you and is interested in being with you long term then he'll respect your wishes to wait to live together until you guys get married. From your previous relationship of being engaged and it not working out sounds like you're also willing to respect your current boyfriend by not going down that road with him. There are some great resources that may help you guys as you head down the long term road https://list.ly/list/1CE9-when-all-the-fish-in-the-sea-are-belly-up . All the best to you both!
mikeylo Posted February 28, 2018 Posted February 28, 2018 An engagement doesn’t mean much though. It can be broken anytime. Most states do not have much legal consequences to it. Since you mentioned ex fiancé, so you know your laws. If he insists to move in, get a contract or something that makes him pay rent or pay for groceries etc , to the amount equal to what he was paying as rent. Just because you own a house doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to pay.
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