slow fade or just busy?

[jmo28]

This topic probably comes up all the time and I think I'm an experienced enough dater to know the answer but thought i'd throw it out there anyway. Went on a second date with a girl Sat night. First date was coffee which ended up being over 3 hrs where we both had great convo and lost track of time. I text the next day saying had a great time-girl responds within i think 1-2 hrs says she did too and i ask her out again...over text. We make a plan for that Sat (this was on Mon). I text on Thurs with a reservation-asking if that sounds good-she says sounds great again text in a couple of hrs or less. She texts me the next day (fri) about possibly changing the plan to seeing a play as well I say great-but turns out the tix were sold out so we stick to original plan. I'm only getting into this much detail to make the point that we were not going overboard with the texting and when we did text the responses were relatively quick.

 

Sat date--great time-connected in a rare way. Again time flew by. We briefly made out in the bar and she put her hand on my thigh but kept it PG (no tongue etc). We get out of the bar (after dinner) and she was going to get a cab right away but instead walks with me about 10 min to the subway i was taking to get home. We kiss again similarly to how we did in the bar. She says thank you for a lovely evening. I say good night.

 

I text today (sunday) early afternoon with a picture of me and the kid I mentor in the big brother program because we were working on a puzzle of the US presidents and she and i talked about how we both like history etc so i texted had a great time etc and i also said-is there a better way to spend a rainy sunday (with the pic of the puzzle and my mentee)?

 

She texts back 9 hrs later at 10pm tonight saying "Looks like it was fabulous time!". No response to had a great time.

 

Normally i would drop her and move on-but I had an unusually great connection that I think (or at least thought) she felt as well so decided I'll try calling tomorrow night to ask her out again because we had not spoken on the phone yet. But--we're both in our mid/late 30s. I can't believe its a slow fade but maybe it is (given the other texts were much quicker). Or am i overreacting? I mean who takes 9 hrs to respond when all previous responses were much quicker.. Guess i'll find out tomorrow.

Edited February 26, 2018 by jmo28

[fieldoflavender]

I think you have to give it a day or two. Maybe they got busy. I have a job where I barely have time to eat or go to the washroom sometimes in 9 hours. But depends on whether you think the person could be soooo consumed with something. Or maybe they're just trying to alter the pace a bit. But yeah if there's an OBVIOUS change then maybe they are rethinking things, someone new came in, or something else changed in their life not related to you.

[Maggie4]

I don't understand why you would normally drop someone over this. You are dealing with human beings, not machines. No one can survive this kind of scrutiny. Text a bit later or didn't say what you expected to hear and it's all over.

 

You hardly know each other. It's too soon to claim that this is unusual. You don't have enough data to determine what is usual.

[losangelena]

I agree. I find it a little hard to believe you would simply move on because someone took nine hours to respond to a text. The fact that you even counted nine hours is a bit much. Who knows why someone's not responding to a text message on a Sunday afternoon. Maybe she's getting tipsy at brunch; maybe she got caught up in a book or binge-watching a TV show; maybe she doesn't want to stare at her phone because she's going to be looking at a computer screen all day at work for the next five days. You barely know one another. Stop analyzing her every move and concentrate on important means of connection, like getting to know her and asking her out again.

[Flame Aura]

You are over thinking things. Maybe she's just not a big texter. You've only been on 2 dates. Keep it light, arrange the next meetup and take it from there.

 

From her actions shes clearly interested in you.

[Erik30]

She might have had her own plans, you texted her on a Sunday afternoon after all. Don't bring it up cause you'll look needy, you only had 2 dates with her. You can worry about if she starts taking days to respond, or is suddenly "too busy" to meet up. So to answer your question, yes you are overreacting.

[act00]

After your first date, you texted the following day - 8-12 hours? Longer? You texted on a Monday to arrange a date for a Friday. You contact her on Thursday, three days later (72 hours), to follow up, and you're worried about 9 hours?

 

At this point, there is very little texting, which is fine, and you should pay attention that she grabbed extra time walking you to the subway to extend things out a little, and she was flirtatious and affectionate.

 

I would hope she has reached out first as well, but it doesn't sound like it. This is not uncommon with women expecting the man to make the first move at first, but hopefully she starts to take some initiative.

 

Wait it out. There are no guarantees, but by date two, there was some promise with her. If she blows you off after your call, doesn't respond to text, then you can back off.

[jmo28]

Thanks all and fair enough didn't mean to jump to conclusions. I have just found in other serious relationships I had in my life, pretty much from the beginning texts were always answered on the quicker side (1-2 hrs). And I myself find I get back to people I want to see relatively quickly. But as you say the jury is still out---way too early to jump to conclusions so to be continued.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm one who doesn't like to hang on too long with men who drop off hard but even I think there isn't enough evidence or enough time that has passed to write this girl off just yet.

 

Give it a few days. Continue reaching out to her as you normally would. If you feel like things have shifted in terms of level of conversation, frequency and committing to another date then she might be exploring other options and you can deal with it then. Otherwise, chill.

 

Good luck.

[Rainah]

Ask to chat on WhatsApp then you an see if they are busy or ignoring tour text messages

[Exformer]

Thanks all and fair enough didn't mean to jump to conclusions. I have just found in other serious relationships I had in my life, pretty much from the beginning texts were always answered on the quicker side (1-2 hrs). And I myself find I get back to people I want to see relatively quickly. But as you say the jury is still out---way too early to jump to conclusions so to be continued.

 

Put it out of your mind and don't take a new relationship too seriously. She was already taking 1 to 2 hours to respond to all of your texts...which, if always the case, is a sign that she has been purposely stalling to reply this whole time. Most people I know keep their phones on them. If it isn't work hours, they can usually respond right away. That said, responding to calls, when to call, how often to call... has been a long standing topic of debate to people who worry about that sort of thing when dating new people. She easily could just have it in her head that she could come off too desperate or eager by responding quickly. A 9 hour wait falls in line with the pattern just fine. As long as she still wants to meet up with you for dates, that's not an issue.

[jmo28]

Yeah boy you guys were right. I took a couple of days, called her last night and left a voicemail. Just got a voicemail back from her while i was away from the phone saying "thanks for calling...call me back in a very happy voice" etc. Going to make some more plans. Funny-this is how you can tell you like someone when you think about this stuff. Normally i hardly care.

Edited March 1, 2018 by jmo28

[Highndry]

When I look back at every girlfriend I've ever had in my life, and I'm no spring chicken anymore, there was never a doubt from the first date that they liked me. I never wondered after that.

 

I am a firm believer that if your gut has you wondering whether they're into you or not, they're probably NOT. Who takes 10 or 12 hours or whatever to put forth 5 seconds worth of effort for a text reply? If women, or men, are doing it so as not to appear desperate or whatever, that's playing games.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I agree. I find it a little hard to believe you would simply move on because someone took nine hours to respond to a text. The fact that you even counted nine hours is a bit much. Who knows why someone's not responding to a text message on a Sunday afternoon. Maybe she's getting tipsy at brunch; maybe she got caught up in a book or binge-watching a TV show; maybe she doesn't want to stare at her phone because she's going to be looking at a computer screen all day at work for the next five days. You barely know one another. Stop analyzing her every move and concentrate on important means of connection, like getting to know her and asking her out again.

 

In my experience, if a guy took longer then a couple hours to respond, he was always not interested in me. This could be true in times where communication was so accessible, but in this case there is no excuse. If I like a guy, I'm def not taking 9 hours to respond, just sayin'.

[kendahke]

Keep your expectations in check this early on. You're expecting devotion from someone you barely know and having an amazing connection doesn't equal her being devoted to you.

 

Just as you were busy on sunday with your mentoring program, she also has a life that didn't spring to life when you began talking to her.

 

Slow your roll and keep your expectations in check. Expectations are future resentments under construction.

 

In the meantime, try calling and doing the voice thing instead of investing in the texting. Some people are just not that into texting and it's easier to talk.

[jmo28]

We never actually did chat on the phone but she texted me and asked me out for the weekend actually then when i said how about fri night, got lots of exclamation points back. I remember her telling me (and now it makes sense) that she's an introvert. Introverts are often a little long in getting back to people and don't like the phone when they don't know someone. As I think about all of her behaviors--i think this is an adequate explanation and I think that the normal rules and experiences of 9 hrs being a long time etc are thrown out the window. Either way, we're going out tomorrow night and things look good. Thanks all for your opinions.

[greymatter]

We never actually did chat on the phone but she texted me and asked me out for the weekend actually then when i said how about fri night, got lots of exclamation points back. I remember her telling me (and now it makes sense) that she's an introvert. Introverts are often a little long in getting back to people and don't like the phone when they don't know someone. As I think about all of her behaviors--i think this is an adequate explanation and I think that the normal rules and experiences of 9 hrs being a long time etc are thrown out the window. Either way, we're going out tomorrow night and things look good. Thanks all for your opinions.

 

I’m an introvert and my response time is very fast especially via texting and by phone if it’s someone I’m interested in.

[fireleaf]

I’m an introvert and my response time is very fast especially via texting and by phone if it’s someone I’m interested in.

 

I'm the same. Especially if I feel the attraction is mutual. But everyone's communication style is different. It won't take long to find out if there is a true connection.

[winny]

We never actually did chat on the phone but she texted me and asked me out for the weekend actually then when i said how about fri night, got lots of exclamation points back. I remember her telling me (and now it makes sense) that she's an introvert. Introverts are often a little long in getting back to people and don't like the phone when they don't know someone. As I think about all of her behaviors--i think this is an adequate explanation and I think that the normal rules and experiences of 9 hrs being a long time etc are thrown out the window. Either way, we're going out tomorrow night and things look good. Thanks all for your opinions.

 

I am a big introvert and I hate talking on phone but I will never ignore the call of a person I like nor would I take 9 hrs to respond. Having said that.. everyone deserves one benefit of doubt.

[bb444]

I'm on the benefit of a doubt boat. Relationships are about getting to know each other, & that takes time. Writing someone off completely after a single 9 hour texting delay feels a little premature. My own life has rushes & lulls, so I might be more or less attentive depending on how life's going... sometimes that may mean responding at a slower pace or giving a response that doesn't extend the conversation further.

[jmo28]

Date went well....we kissed a little (though not extended making out) in the bar after dinner and at the end. She said she likes that i don't have any problems kissing her in public. And she found my interest in history "sexy". She also said she likes talking on the phone and to call her so i will. I still feel things are moving slowly which is fine with me because I really like her but with every serious relationship I've had-i was pretty much at the girl's place by now. 3 dates and just some kissing (though not making out). I guess maybe the best things move a little slower. to be continued

[newyorker11356]

Date went well....we kissed a little (though not extended making out) in the bar after dinner and at the end. She said she likes that i don't have any problems kissing her in public. And she found my interest in history "sexy". She also said she likes talking on the phone and to call her so i will. I still feel things are moving slowly which is fine with me because I really like her but with every serious relationship I've had-i was pretty much at the girl's place by now. 3 dates and just some kissing (though not making out). I guess maybe the best things move a little slower. to be continued

 

Does she live on her own, or with parents/roommate(s)?

[jmo28]

Nah-she has her own place. I dunno. And I"m out of town Sat thru Tues and she's out of town Tues thru Sun so will be a while before I see her again. We'll see--patience is a virtue i suppose.

[jmo28]

So just a final post script to button this up. I called her 2 days after that last date (the third) and never heard back a week later. Ghosted. I can't criticize her because i've ghosted in my life as well, though not someone i was as flirty with as i perceived she was flirting with me. But, i suppose its all perspective-from her perspective, maybe there wasn't as much of a connection/she met someone else/had a sex change operation/who knows. Bottom line, i won't waste a lot of time speculating.

 

I only post one more time to reiterate what someone said before: Anytime I've had a relationship that went somewhere, i never had any doubt from the beginning that the other person was interested. I never wondered when they were going to call me or text me-i knew they would and they did. This will probably save a lot of time and 50% of the posts on this site in this category. If you have to spend time wondering why you haven't heard back, then its time to move on.

[Popsicle]

sorry to hear it didn't work out.