Why when I tried to cut her out she told me that we don't fit each other?

[Maged-93]

I love a girl who is engaged, she seemed interested initiating conversations almost on daily basis for hours. She told me that she feels like she knew me long time ago, she even told that she knew that I am in love and that my eyes expose me. we knew each other for 3 months and that how it started.

 

Without getting into too many suffocating details, and there are many, after 2 months I confessed about how feel for her and she was surprised and when I asked her if she did not know, she said no although she told me 2 months ago that she knows implicitly. Then thing between us became ajar, she did not want me to tell her that I love her but she may get coy from flirt and after awhile she may flirt back. I got very attracted to her, I suffered much from this dither situation, having hope may be something would happen, why do I feel like this?, unable to understand if she loves him as she says, how she is like this with me (even if she calls it friends).

 

After one month I tried to cut her out of my life, she asked me why, I told her that I love her, she kept trying to convince me not to do so telling me that it is wrong, and that some people can not get married but can stay together, I asked her as friends?, she said yes, I told her over and over that I can't, unable to understand her persistence and the situation is already hard enough that I am leaving someone I don't want to leave. Eventually when she failed to change my mind she told me that even if she did not have a boyfriend, we didn't fit each other. I said nothing, I don't know why she said that, it was really painful, I was trying to do the right thing. If I meant anything to her why she did not say, if I did not mean anything to her, I am leaving anyway.

Leaving was the only thing left I had to make her understand that I love her, Why the dagger?

[basil67]

She already knows you love her, so leaving won't show her anything. Rather, leaving will give you the space you need to be able to move on with your life and leave her behind.

 

The stuff she said to you - while it did hurt you, she didn't say it out of spite. It was to make sure that you understand loud and clear that she is not interested in you in a romantic sense. Not now or ever. She's making sure that she cannot be blamed for stringing you along or playing you.

 

You are doing the right thing moving on. Make sure to unfriend her on social media so that you won't get any surprise updates.

[preraph]

She just wanted to give you a clean break by saying that even if she wasn't already taken, she still would not have been romantically interested in you. She did you a favor. Otherwise, you'd still be pining about her years from now. There's no hope with her, so just put it behind you. You'll be okay.

[guest569]

It is a bit contradictory but I suspect that she said that to cement that nothing would happen between you. Meanwhile she was more than happy to accept whatever you provided that was lacking in her relationship. She wants you to satisfy her needs, from an arms length, and wanted to keep you hanging in there to string you along. Was her fiancé aware of your relationship?

 

Why did you cut her out? It was the right thing to do. But what was your motive? Where to from here? My advice would be to try to focus on yourself and move forward rather than analyse her. Never allow yourself to fall for someone who is attached! And if you do, you really can’t act in it and expect things to be rosy.

[Marc878]

That's the way she sees it. You got honesty.

 

Now move on. It happens. At least she told you upfront

[Gaeta]

She only likes to get your attention.

 

She never said she loved you and when you asked her straight out she said she didn't know, which means *no*.

 

I am sorry you got all caught up with feelings but she never seen you as more than a man giving her attention.

 

This woman is engaged? You should see her for who she really is, and attention seeker. She has very little respect for her fiancé. If you 2 were dating she'd do the same to you behind your back.

[smackie9]

Totally friend zoned and you walked right into it. She was emotionally attached but not romantically interested. My guess was she was enjoying this game until you told her it wasn't one. She's engaged and she is having an emotional affair with you...not the type of girl that anyone would call faithful or relationship worthy. You dodged a bullet. Let this be a lesson to YOU. Stop getting involved with taken women/girls, befriending them, and getting hooked on their attention. That is not how you get a relationship. It's dumb and painful.

[Maged-93]

She was emotionally attached but not romantically interested.

 

Please help me more to understand the difference between being emotionally attached to someone but not romantically interested. I do understand the emotional attachment between friends, relatives and siblings of course, but I did not feel that way for her almost from the beginning, and the way she treated me the much of attention I got from her, things that she may say or do gave me the impression that she knows (although she denies it when I confront her, which I don't know why either) but she did not take any precaution after I had told her that I am in love with her but on the contrary after she had acted as she is surprised, she asked me to go out and take a walk with her. I mean why would she tell me such thing for instance that mentioned in my first few lines if she is not seeing it that way and encouraging it? or is that a casual thing a woman would say to any guy ?

 

In other words what would make her emotionally attached to me if I am not in love with her

 

I am trying to digest something here that its very difficult to me.

 

thanks.

[act00]

She is engaged to be married.

 

Her behavior is wrong on so many levels given she is planning a life with a partner, planning a wedding. Let's just say she started having an affair with you. Let's just say that she dumped him for you. There would be ZERO trust at this point, because you would expect her to be flirting and messing around with other men, despite her claiming she wants you and wants to marry you...it's just not good.

 

She likes the attention. She likes the devotion. She likes the thrill that you get when you first date, that hot attraction (even though you're not dating), and she doesn't want to see it go. She is engaged to another man and is emotionally cheating.

 

Stick to your guns, OP. This girl is taken, and even if her and this guy break up, it's not a good foundation to start with.

 

I can't give a reason why. She's probably not consciously doing this. She's probably stressed with wedding planning and this causes stress on a relationship as well...we've all heard how grooms get distant at times. She's getting something from you she's not getting from her guy and it feels good. She's going to hang on to it. You have to walk away.

[rickwman]

'Red flag' to me is your post stating that you loved a girl who is engaged. Seems as if she was flirting with you; maybe unsure of her potential husband. Honesty and understanding each others expectations are very important to a relationship. I don't think she was honest with you. Leaving may have been your best idea but trying to have a relationship with someone who is engaged can really mess someone up emotionally. I'll pray that you will find a great girl and express honestly; expectations, truth and love.

[Exformer]

The girl isn't interested in dating you. She loves the attention you give her. It feels good to know someone cares about or finds you attractive. You give her both of those things whenever you hangout.

 

She's been well aware that you've been into her since the beginning. This is why, in one ego driven moment of self-gratification, she even pointed out she knew you loved her. But she has a firm line that you don't cross. She doesn't want you to date her, she just wants you to want to date her. This is why she has to act surprised when you declared that you liked her. In her justification for stringing you along, you two are so close because of your friendship...but in reality, she actually keeps you close because she likes having people desire her.

 

On some level, she may even feel an actual emotional connection to you, but the attraction isn't there. This is of course the difference between a friendship and a relationship. No matter how close you are, how much you do for her, how much you care for her, if she isn't attracted to you as a potential partner, a relationship is beyond you. Don't assume I'm speaking in terms of physical attributes, though those can matter too. I'm speaking of attraction in the broad term, including behavior/attitude, etc.

 

This isn't the end of the world. I'd argue most guys have played a similar role to some extent with a girl in their lifetime. The trick is recognizing it and moving on to something real.

Edited February 26, 2018 by Exformer

[Maged-93]

 

On some level, she may even feel an actual emotional connection to you, but the attraction isn't there. This is of course the difference between a friendship and a relationship. No matter how close you are, how much you do for her, how much you care for her, if she isn't attracted to you as a potential partner, a relationship is beyond you. Don't assume I'm speaking in terms of physical attributes, though those can matter too. I'm speaking of attraction in the broad term, including behavior/attitude, etc.

 

Before I tell her that I have feelings for her, I thought she may be unhappy with him, or I am special to her that why she wants me with her, I sometimes thought that she may actually feel jealous. We are working for the same firm, when I told her that I can not be the person she wants me to be as a friend after 6 weeks from knowing each other, she kept asking me why, then when she saw me talking to another girl she texted me "so you talk to other girls why don't you want to talk to me?". why was she so clingy?, she says that she loves her fience, then who am I for her?

 

Talking about attraction, let me add that after I had told her that love her and she let me down I thought she may start to avoid me but as I said she still there and I started to feel that things are taking another level when she tries to get physically close. examples : she started to pushed me in the chest when we were talking, another time she grabbed my arm, blocking my way while I am passing through and she once narrowed me while I was sitting to reach out trying to get something on the other side of the desk while she could ask me to move aside or pass it through to her. Knowing that she has a boyfriend and that she let me down and that I love her (I mean she is pretty nice lady who has everything she needs why would she do something mean like that ? unless she has feelings for me, other than that she does not need to do this) making me incredibly unable to understand why she is doing this, which led me to think that may be it is me who read something in her actions that just wasn't meant in that way, every time I say this to myself which was killing me and driving me crazy and I did not know what to think anymore about anything. I have become very confused, questioning my senses and don't know what to believe. I am trying to state events here not to influence my impression, I don't want to do her wrong but at the same time what I am going through is devastating between losing someone I love and doubting my senses and not knowing what to think about myself or her.

 

I don't want to get indulged into mentioning more things so the length will be reasonable to read thanks for you help, If things are adding up to you or anyone please help me to see what was actually happening.

Edited February 27, 2018 by Maged-93

[Maged-93]

She just wanted to give you a clean break by saying that even if she wasn't already taken, she still would not have been romantically interested in you. She did you a favor. Otherwise, you'd still be pining about her years from now. There's no hope with her, so just put it behind you. You'll be okay.

 

I am afraid it is too late for what she said. I have feelings for her and although she may let me down but she still there wants me in her life. flirting sometimes catching her looking at me across the corridor, and another time I was adjusting my screen and I found her texting me stop playing with your screen and do your job although we are in 2 separate offices which I concluded that she came take a look me, saw me doing this while I did not notice her and she texted me about it, now you can imagine a smile on my face, and my head turning 360 wondering where she was. Such kind of things and those I said previously I do not know If I can call it flirting (if it is not flirting then what are they please someone tell me) make me think that I actually may had a chance with her although she let me down and although she says that she loves her fience. But she did not do the things that I thought she is supposed to do, she did not avoid me she didn't cut me off, she was not even helping cut her off and since I love her so I actually did not want to cut her off, I actually believed that I may had a chance with her I just did not what to do, because if she loves him why would she behave like this with me? Friends ? may be she just bluffing or confused about it? or just does not want to admit it. I do not get how she could be like this with someone she is emotionally attached to but does see him as romantic partner as you said. Frankly I do not know what is that suppose to mean?. So the devastating part here that I now believe that I have a chance with her but I don't know what exactly to do to make it happens so I just kept trying and trying and thinking about new things to try thinking that she may understand that or appreciate this, having hope as long as she is still there not cutting me off not avoiding there is a chance that it could happen, making my best that there will be nothing left to blame myself on that I did not do. Till it became horribly painful, drained have nothing left to try or do except to leave. When I tried to leave looking behind on the feelings that have been wasted, the person that I love but you can not have, the disappointment that I have tried my best but still not enough and thinking about tomorrow not know what you should do. All these different kinds of pain ripping me apart each in its own direction, then dragging all this while I can barely breath trying to tell her the words that do not want to come out of my mouth that this can not be continued and I thought that she would say "what is this ? there is nothing between us to be continued or not ? back off" but instead of that she trying to ask me why as if she wants to hear it from me again that I love her, then she tries to change my mind which I could not understand at all why if you do not love me, then she came and tells me that even if she was not engaged we did not fit each other.

I do not know how I am like and she is like that

and if she is like this how come I feel like this for her how come I love her that much if it will never happen

So did she do me a favor ?

Edited February 27, 2018 by Maged-93

[smackie9]

Please help me more to understand the difference between being emotionally attached to someone but not romantically interested. I do understand the emotional attachment between friends, relatives and siblings of course, but I did not feel that way for her almost from the beginning, and the way she treated me the much of attention I got from her, things that she may say or do gave me the impression that she knows (although she denies it when I confront her, which I don't know why either) but she did not take any precaution after I had told her that I am in love with her but on the contrary after she had acted as she is surprised, she asked me to go out and take a walk with her. I mean why would she tell me such thing for instance that mentioned in my first few lines if she is not seeing it that way and encouraging it? or is that a casual thing a woman would say to any guy ?

 

In other words what would make her emotionally attached to me if I am not in love with her

 

I am trying to digest something here that its very difficult to me.

 

thanks.

It's how a girl's brain works. Yes I understand for a guy there is no difference...if there is emotional attachment there is romantic interest, but for girls it is two different things. Think of it this way. You get along with a guy really well and enjoy hanging out with them...there's a bond, but in no way there's a romantic interest. Well that is how this girls sees it too. She didn't see you as a romantic interest, she saw you as someone she got along with really well so a friendship bond develops. just because a girl is nice to you and wants to enjoy your company doesn't mean she wants to be your GF. Confusing sure I get it. The thing to do is to not hang out with them, but to simply ask them out on a date. That will determine what interest she has with you. You have to stop seeing her actions as interest in order to navigate this sort of thing.

 

Tip: never ever invest your feeling in someone you are not dating or in a relationship with. If you do that it will get easier for you.

 

I have been in her shoes many times. I'm a tomboy so I get along really well with guys. I don't even dress sexy or flirt and they get all sappy on me...ugh! Hated it.

[Maged-93]

she saw you as someone she got along with really well so a friendship bond develops. just because a girl is nice to you and wants to enjoy your company doesn't mean she wants to be your GF.

 

So let me get this straight, so you see that she wanted us to be friends and I got it all wrong!

Edited February 27, 2018 by Maged-93

[Exformer]

I don't want to get indulged into mentioning more things so the length will be reasonable to read thanks for you help, If things are adding up to you or anyone please help me to see what was actually happening.

 

A little harmless flirting can be fun and confidence boosting, especially if you completely control the situation when it happens. Some people are also just naturally a little more flirty, sometimes to the point that they don't even notice the the behaviors others would call flirty.

 

So, it's possible you perceive her actions as flirty, while she doesn't...though by the examples you gave, I'm betting she's purposefully messing with you a bit.

 

Honestly, this adds up pretty clearly to me. I've seen this kind of thing countless times through high school, college and beyond. I don't think it's really you that she likes, but the attention and reaction she gets out of you that brings her back for more.

 

Think about where she is in her life. She's engaged and about to get married. She's most likely stressed about that. She probably has a wedding to plan, and if she doesn't, she's stressing out about there not being a date set yet. She's making a long-term commitment to one dude...forever, without easy out break ups, and that's a pretty big deal.

 

Maybe its enough going on in her life for her to play around with a little escapism. She wants to marry the guy, and she wants to be faithful.

 

So, she's picked a guy friend who she can maintain a platonic relationship with. You're someone she can point to and telling her guy that you're just work friends, and he'd assume everything was completely harmless and nothing worry about it. She can frame it in her mind as a "friendship", while teasing more to see you squirm. She knows the reaction she can get out of you, and she gets her escape and her confidence boost to keep going with her day anyway.

 

It seems like she very much has complete control of the situation you're in. She can push and pull you as she pleases. You'll only break free of that when you stop this whole idea that you're in love with her; you're not. You're in love with the idea of her...or at least the pretend version of her you have on a pedestal.

 

Look at it this way, there's only two scenarios:

 

1. She's super into you. This of course means she's also someone who is emotionally cheating on her future husband...let's not forget, he's the guy she goes home to every night.

 

2. She's just flirting to let off some steam and have fun. She doesn't have any romantic interest in you and she's someone who could purposefully string along/play with the emotions of someone she calls a friend.

 

So, she's an emotional cheater bordering on the brink of getting physical, or she's a flirt, who has no real feelings for you but purposefully manipulating you're emotions for her enjoyment. Either way, nothing for you to love.

Edited February 27, 2018 by Exformer

[Maged-93]

 

Look at it this way, there's only two scenarios:

 

1. She's super into you. This of course means she's also someone who is emotionally cheating on her future husband...let's not forget, he's the guy she goes home to every night.

 

2. She's just flirting to let off some steam and have fun. She doesn't have any romantic interest in you and she's someone who could purposefully string along/play with the emotions of someone she calls a friend.

 

So, she's an emotional cheater bordering on the brink of getting physical, or she's a flirt, who has no real feelings for you but purposefully manipulating you're emotions for her enjoyment. Either way, nothing for you to love.

 

Sir, Thank you for your response, the whole answer is very helpful impressive breakdown.

 

I had just one more thing I need to get it off my chest. Her relation with me was not fun for her all the time, I had my moments, at least that's how I saw it. To make it clear:

 

Before I tell her that I am in love with her, I once made up a problem with her asking her not to come to my office, in an attempt lessen the times I see her, and told her if she did that again I will never talk to her again and she should forget anything between us (honestly I did not know what it is between us but that the way I put it) she said ok as you like. Anyways she did not come for couple of days but still texting and then she broke the rule, I showed her that I am upset, she kept apologizing trying to make it up to me by texting then she waits for a while then she calls me and waits for a while and then showing up in front of me and kept repeating that for almost 4 hours may be more, on that day I did not sort it out with her and went home. On the next day she saw me when I just reached the company walking in the corridor, she called me to wait, I ignored her heading to my office, my phone rings she followed me to my office standing at my desk waiting, I answered the phone and she waited till I finished and the she asked me in the cutest way I have ever seen if I am still upset.

Well that I was to limit our communication it back fired at me that I got attached to her more.

 

After I told her that I love her, we had this argument, it was not our only or first but was most fraught intense one. I get frustrated from my situation with her so I was at least implicitly insulting to her and her fience, but it was torturing to do this to her I was torn apart between my overwhelmed feelings to be with her and totally exhausted by pain and pursuing. we were texting and what I said to her was completely opposite to what I feel. It hurt me as well, but wonderfully she kept arguing on and on and I started thinking even if I am the one who sees things wrong that radically conflict with how she see it, why she bothers herself with such kind of futile argument. I thought no normal person would tolerate criticizing their behavior and telling them what should be done and what should not specially from someone who should be a colleague or at best a friend whose friendship did last long enough. while she still there justifying what she does that kind of argument that made me feel its like those that actually happen in relationships. So things heated up she got mad she called me on the phone yelling at me how I could talk to her and about her fiance like that. I told her to lower her voice twice, but she did not so I HUNG UP the phone on her while she is talking, she texted me after that "how could you hang up that phone on me?, you are disrespectful, impolite... etc" then she is back again and she was like pacifying and calming things down saying, i dont remember the exact words, something like, "things should not get heated up like that because we have different point of views" But surprisingly she kept me available. She did not block me or remove me but she did not contact me either for 7 days, till she came initiating a new conversation texting me "I should not talk to you but I wanted to wish happy holiday" it was a holiday then.

 

So It was not all fun for her all the time, and it was hard for me to get that she may do and tolerate that for fun. I was rude may be frustrated and seeing her deal with it that way back fired that I got more attached to her.

Edited February 28, 2018 by Maged-93