Anyone's OM/OW have to move out of state after DDay? [UPDATE: IT"S OVER]

[CloudyHead]

It might help you to read over your other posts on LS and write down his words/actions/behaviors that hurt you. I did this because I would think about the good times which would make me want to break no contact. When I felt that way, I read my posts here and read how I was treated. It worked to keep me focused on why the relationship needed to end. You can also rationalize a reason to break NC. Reliving the hurt and pain you experienced will reinforce NC.

[Lehcar1012]

Today was difficult. As soon as I got in my car after work I broke down and cried the whole way home. I had to hold my emotions in the whole day and try to look happens I had to see him the whole day walking around like he didn't have a care in the world.

[anika99]

His children at home are 16, 10, and 7...he has an adult child also. He worships the ground his children walk on. He is a good father.

 

In your first post you said that he spends every moment outside of work with you and only goes home to sleep. How is that a good father?

[Lehcar1012]

No I said he did before. Then the guilt started eating at him and he started going home earlier and seeing me less. The guilt and missing his kids was killing him. And I understand that. And hence me accepting less and less because he has been spending more time at home.

[OWAmy]

You’re doing really well so far!

 

But yes, I agree with the last poster - make Home a different place so it isn’t haunted by the memories of him and his belongings. Can you take them to a friend’s house and if he uses his belongings as an excuse to contact you - simply tell him where they are and that he has 24hrs to collect or they will be disposed?

 

I would be brave and block him. Too many women are too cowardly to do this and make the excuse they wouldn’t want him to be hurt by this action. These are the women that take ages to get over their xMM.

 

Concentrate on being free from his bondage and that of your abusive ex. It’s your time now!!!

[Lehcar1012]

Well, after 2 days of NC he called me after work the night he worked in my area. I answered. I shouldnt have, but i did. And he came over. We have been back together since but today things got much more complicated. His W was following him again this morning. He said he had a feeling she was, so he parked in a random road and waited about 10 min and she showed up. They got in a huge fight and then he came over to see me. He told me yesterday she took his phone and was questioning his about why he always takes the phone in the bathroom on Sundays. She wouldn't give him the phone back for hours. He told me about 2 weeks ago she told him she wants him to start looking for a job in California. Which is where they moved from about 10 years ago. His family still lives there. He told me if he doesn't make this move he will never be able to stay away from me. He said he knows that even if we break up he will try to find ways to see me. Moving out of state seems to be the only way for him. I am devastated. My heart is broken. I wish we had never started this... I know it's what's best for everyone. But I love him. I have never been with another man besides my ex and MM. And he has never been with another woman besides his W and me. I can't stop crying , he left 2 hours ago and I have been sobbing since. Every time he walks out the door it feels like it will be the last time. I just want to cherish every moment we have left together and at the same time , I think I should end it now and get it over with. This place is the only place I can really vent my feelings.

[BigBlueSky]

(((Lehcar)))

 

I can feel the pain in your writing. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Affairs can take so much out of us. I totally understand the feeling of loss, the repeated goodbyes as if it were the last and final goodbye. That's the thing about As. There is no commitment and there is always pain involved. Always.

 

Healing can only start after it ends and you go NC. Hanging on will only perpetuate the pain. I know that it's so hard to let go of someone you love.

 

We're here for you.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Well, after 2 days of NC he called me after work the night he worked in my area. I answered. I shouldnt have, but i did. And he came over. We have been back together since

 

 

This made me sad to read.

[Bittersweetie]

He told me if he doesn't make this move he will never be able to stay away from me.

 

I know this statement sounds very romantic, but these are the words of a person who doesn't take personal responsibility for his choices. Is he really so weak of a person, and can't actually control himself, that he will continue to see you unless he physically moves away? Plus the fact it is completely selfish...he's not making any changes to his relationship status yet he "will never stay away" from you. That is so, so disrespectful to you and his wife.

 

I can tell you are in pain and I am sorry. Please try to stick to NC because that is the best way for you to get back to a healthy place. Good luck to you.

[Lehcar1012]

Yesterday we just laid and held each other and cried. By chance Van Morrison Reminds me of you was playing on the radio. Seem so fitting. This is a sad time for me. Knowing that I will say goodbye to him soon. The hardest part is knowing he will be so far away. It's a sad thing to say goodbye to someone you are still in love with.

[CantTakeMySmile]

If he feels this way, why doesn't he file for divorce, so you can be together?

[Lehcar1012]

If he feels this way, why doesn't he file for divorce, so you can be together?

 

He said he can't for 10 years because of his kids. He doesn't want to live in a different house than his kids and she has already said if they divorce she will take the kids to Pittsburgh where her family is.

[Lehcar1012]

He loves me, but he loves his kids the most. Which is how it should be. Doesn't make it any easier though, doesn't make it hurt any less.

[CantTakeMySmile]

He said he can't for 10 years because of his kids. He doesn't want to live in a different house than his kids and she has already said if they divorce she will take the kids to Pittsburgh where her family is.

 

 

 

I call bs.

[FMW]

If they divorce, the Judge will make a determination of what is best for the kids. The wife/mother won't get to take the kids anywhere unless the Judge thinks it's in their best interest. And if it's far away from their father, it's unlikely the Judge would approve of that move.

 

I remember the desperation of thinking "this might be our last time together" and holding on tight, not wanting to let xMM go. But at some point it just became more painful to hold on than to let go. Give NC a chance, more than just 2 days. It's been 5 weeks for me. It still hurts, but I'm starting to think much more clearly and see how damaging the A was, for everyone, even xMM. It's hard to think clearly when you're in the middle of it.

[CantTakeMySmile]

If they divorce, the Judge will make a determination of what is best for the kids. The wife/mother won't get to take the kids anywhere unless the Judge thinks it's in their best interest. And if it's far away from their father, it's unlikely the Judge would approve of that move.

 

 

 

^^THis. if he wanted to be with you, he would.

[BuddyX]

Not to be tough on you, but reread what you wrote. He waited 10min at another location because he thought his wife was following him. Do you really want any part of that?

 

Previous LS poster said it best,

“They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?”

 

Just understand, it’s easier to stick to the same affair partner than groom a new one. If he decides to move, then he’ll start working on a new affair partner, strictly out of convinience.

[MollieMcWench]

“Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.”

 

He’s having sex with his wife. You’re getting seconds.

 

I would add : "My wife and I never have sex. We haven't for months, years!" But think. What better way to allay the suspicions of BW than to have regular sex with her? Think about it. And suspicious BW will make sure he gets plenty of it.

 

My MM left me, and just like magic, his wife was pregnant a month afterward.

 

But I still remember when we were together and the front door rang. There was no way to see who it was. My MM actually RAN INTO MY CLOSET to hide, leaving me to face whoever was at the door (it wasn't his wife). What was I thinking? I should have thrown him out then and there but then I lacked the confidence.

[Vivir]

I still remember when we were together and the front door rang. There was no way to see who it was. My MM actually RAN INTO MY CLOSET to hide, leaving me to face whoever was at the door (it wasn't his wife). What was I thinking? I should have thrown him out then and there but then I lacked the confidence.

 

This happened to me, too. Someone knocked on the door soon after he had arrived once, and when I went to answer it, he bolted up the stairs... I thought that was weird, as he knew I had ordered takeout. In hindsight, he obviously thought it was his wife, even though he had previously claimed they were (at that time) separated and headed for divorce.

 

Following this episode, I didn't hear from him - not a peep - for at least a month.

[Lehcar1012]

Maybe we are over for real this time. He has been sick with flu since last Tuesday. We spent Valentine's day together the whole day but we just watched movies and relaxed because he was sick. At this time he didn't k ow it was flu. We worked Thursday and Friday but he was really sick so he didn't come take breaks with me in my area and he only came over for maybe 30min after work . He was really bad with fever and everything. I convinced him to call in Saturday, he went to the Dr and they said it's flu. He texted me while he was at the Dr that day saying he missed me and his W and daughter were now sick with flu also. He was telling he missed me so much and sending pics and then that night he text me quickly goodnight . Yesterday nothing until 3pm a brief text saying they were all sick and were buying groceries quickly at Wal-Mart and not to text back because she was with him. I didn't respond like he requested and heard nothing else from him until about an hour ago. He text me He was taking his daughter to the Dr and he was still feeling sick. His texts were very short and vague. Not like normal. He said a friend of his passed away last night. I told sorry. I was telling him I miss him, love him want to see him and hist responses were like 10 min apart. Saying me too, things like that. Finally I asked " have you thought of me at all during these days?" He got irritated and didn't have much of a response he said , "are you kidding Me? I told you I miss you. Why do you need me to miss you in order to miss Me? I don't need you to miss me for me to miss you" I said that's not the point. Then he said he was finished at the Dr and going home. And he was done texting. He just expects me to be patient and never say anything and accept whatever he gives me. Am I being selfish? Considering the circumstances of the flu and his friend passing? I have always told him that the it's about quality and not quantity. I am satisfied with one text per day as long as that texts shows me he cares.

[FMW]

You're not being selfish, you just want and need (and deserve) more than a man with a wife and children can give you. When he and his family are sick and he's dealing with the death of a friend you fall even further down his list of priorities.

[skywriter]

Considering the circumstances of the flu and his friend passing? I have always told him that the it's about quality and not quantity. I am satisfied with one text per day as long as that texts shows me he cares.

 

You're supposed to be the good, compliant, AP and not question. This is how affairs work. You just wait until you have a family crisis, loss of a loved one, just life in general, and he's not available emotionally or physically.

 

You are willing to settle for one post a day as long as he shows you that he cares.

[Lehcar1012]

I just sent him this text, he will not like it and I can almost guarantee he will break up with me for it. I needed to say it. I sent it to his secret phone, he probably won't see it until tomorrow or maybe even Wednesday.

 

I am not a priority for you right now and that's fine , I understand you have a lot going on. But when you are better and start to miss me, don't expect to come have sex with me unless you are prepared to spend some time with me. It's not gonna happen. I miss you and I want you and I love you. But I'm not going to settle for sex after work and 10 min of cuddling. And a couple texts a day. I need the same effort as i give you.

[Daisy2013]

I just sent him this text, he will not like it and I can almost guarantee he will break up with me for it. I needed to say it. I sent it to his secret phone, he probably won't see it until tomorrow or maybe even Wednesday.

 

I am not a priority for you right now and that's fine , I understand you have a lot going on. But when you are better and start to miss me, don't expect to come have sex with me unless you are prepared to spend some time with me. It's not gonna happen. I miss you and I want you and I love you. But I'm not going to settle for sex after work and 10 min of cuddling. And a couple texts a day. I need the same effort as i give you.

 

My MM would have said "ok, whatever you want." I wasn't allowed to make demands or be upset or defensive. Update if you hear anything. Maybe block his number so you can feel strong. You said what you needed to say. You might feel sick waiting for a response.

[Lehcar1012]

My MM would have said "ok, whatever you want." I wasn't allowed to make demands or be upset or defensive. Update if you hear anything. Maybe block his number so you can feel strong. You said what you needed to say. You might feel sick waiting for a response.

 

That's exactly how my MM is. If I make demands or get upset about anything, his response is to end it. Ok. We will end it then because I see basically no effort lately and I put a lot of effort towards him. At this point , there is no relationship. I barely see or talk to him.