Gaeta Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 P.S. like someone said above past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior. If she wh0red herself out when she was younger, she will wh0re herself out again when she gets bored of you. That's if she isn't already. Seriously? No, what you do at 20 is no indicative of who you'll be at 25, 30, or 40 +. She is in her youth and exploring and learning. She is comfortable with her body and sexuality and doesn't obey by puritain rules. Good for her! Actually having a healthy view on sex and exploring during our younger years make us a better partner once married. We've been around the block and don't entertain anymore how it would be with other men. We know how it is with other men and our bf is all we want. I married as a virgin, you think that made me a better partner? For 15 years of marriage I wondered how it would be with other men! and envied my female friends who had explored before marriage and were not haunted by what's out there. 4
Lorenza Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 Where did you read that? She mentioned a guy coming onto her (hitting on her). She didn't say a guy came on her!!! If that's true, then I apologize. I never heard the expression "coming onto someone" and took it literally. Sorry! Sincerely, a Slavic woman in Scandinavia 2
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 OP have you even discussed your views about sex/values/your concerns with her yet? Sounds to me you are worried about scaring her away, so instead you are looking to be reassured from us that nothing bad is going to happen. 1
NopeNah Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 OP have you even discussed your views about sex/values/your concerns with her yet? Sounds to me you are worried about scaring her away, so instead you are looking to be reassured from us that nothing bad is going to happen. Also,OP...as a rule of thumb...NEVER ask women that you're seeing about their past sexual life. Trust me! Don't go there..It's one of those "what has been seen,cannot be unseen" type things. 3
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 My husband never wanted details and told me not to tell him...I had np with that. But I was ok asking him details because I'm not insecure, and understand the past is the past. Different views can work as long as you communicate. Pretty simple. 1
NopeNah Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 My husband never wanted details and told me not to tell him...I had np with that. But I was ok asking him details because I'm not insecure, and understand the past is the past. Different views can work as long as you communicate. Pretty simple. I'd have to lie if someone asked me how many women I've slept with..I really do not know.
lurker74 Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 I'd have to lie if someone asked me how many women I've slept with..I really do not know. How many women have you slept with? 2
NopeNah Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 How many women have you slept with? I really don't know..I'd guess around 65-80? Probably more.. I'm 41,never cheated and my longest relationship was 13yrs...I was married for 7yrs(really only 'together' for a total of 1.5yrs)....if that helps make that not seem so bad? After my marriage is when I went 'crazy' for about 3-4yrs. Lots of ONS,some I don't even really remember. Pretty much when I went out I 'hooked up' with someone new. Yikes! Let's not talk about me anymore...back to the OP 1
kendahke Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 Well, I think some of the responses that the OP is getting are a bit harsh. OP's judgement of his girlfriend is what is harsh. He's being completely judgmental over something that he can never change: her past. This is an "accept her or bounce" situation. If he feels this strongly that she is supposed to have the same life experiences as he and that how he thinks is the way she is supposed to think, then he needs to just let her go and he go find a virgin--because basically that's what he's saying. Clearly, it's not so unpalatable that he's refraining from having sex with her. 4
kendahke Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 Get this idea of sex being this emotional kumbaya moment out of your head. At least with this girl. If that's what you seek, go find a girl who doesn't or didn't sleep around. P.S. like someone said above past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior. If she wh0red herself out when she was younger, she will wh0re herself out again when she gets bored of you. That's if she isn't already. Karma is such that the next "good" girl he gets with is going to have an issue with him having been so sexually active out of wedlock and treat with him the way he's esteeming his so-called girlfriend. 1
kendahke Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 If that's true, then I apologize. I never heard the expression "coming onto someone" and took it literally. "On" and "onto" make a world of difference in this colloquial phrase. 1
Popsicle Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 If you are someone who is quite discerning in who you have sex with, then yes, you are going to have a problem being with someone who is not so discerning. The only solution is to be with someone who is also discerning about who they have sex with. Be prepared for this to lower your dating pool though and you're going to get some people who refuse to tell you their sexual history. 4
preraph Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 You're not suited for each other. Eventually, just as you are not comfy with her exploring things in college, she is going to be uncomfortable that you play it so safe and are judgmental about it. It's just not a match. 2
Poutrew Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 OP, you are experiencing the harsh reality of mismatched expectations. If this is something you truly can not get over, find another girlfriend. Heck, if she had called me a 'prude' for my beliefs, I would have dumped her on the spot. It shows she doesn't respect you very much. One other thing I find interesting about this thread is how so many posters have come down hard on you for being so judgmental about her past. This is always coming up - namely one side: the past is never really in the past and can come to bite you on the butt NOW if you choose to ignore it, versus the other side: The past is the past and should never be brought up and it is none of your business anyway. My position on this age old argument is that the less past you have the more willing you are to talk about it. Never let yourself feel low or put upon because one side is trying to make you feel foolish for having an opinion. You have every right to think and feel the way you do, and to Hades with anyone who tries to tell you how wrong you are. As far as your present GF is concerned, I just can not see a future with her. Things will only get worse with time. Find someone you can respect, it's as simple as that. Good luck. 2
basil67 Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 OP, you are experiencing the harsh reality of mismatched expectations. If this is something you truly can not get over, find another girlfriend. Heck, if she had called me a 'prude' for my beliefs, I would have dumped her on the spot. It shows she doesn't respect you very much. One other thing I find interesting about this thread is how so many posters have come down hard on you for being so judgmental about her past. Let's be clear, she called him a prude AFTER he was judgmental about her past. One doesn't get to criticise a partner and expect them to quietly accept it. Personally, I would not come down hard on him for his beliefs. Rather, it's his open criticism of her, over something she cannot change, which is the bit I react to. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. But he doesn't get to push his beliefs on her and make her feel bad. At any rate, he will find himself dumped if he keeps it up. Problem solved. 3
Imajerk17 Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 (edited) Let's be clear, she called him a prude AFTER he was judgmental about her past. One doesn't get to criticise a partner and expect them to quietly accept it. Personally, I would not come down hard on him for his beliefs. Rather, it's his open criticism of her, over something she cannot change, which is the bit I react to. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. But he doesn't get to push his beliefs on her and make her feel bad. At any rate, he will find himself dumped if he keeps it up. Problem solved. Well, I think we can presume that this conversation didn't happen on the first date Getting back to the point, what if this conversation occurred several months into the relationship, and while OP may love his girlfriend by that point, he is disgusted by her being the drunken OW, and now he is conflicted about whether to continue or not. I imagine this happens all the time in relationships--several months in we find out stuff about our partner that we really don't like and then we have to re-evaluate whether to stay together or not. Meanwhile, many many people of either gender have a problem with their partner being the OW or OM or having been promiscuous before they met. And the OP's girlfriend, by going into so much detail about her past, sure gave the OP a lot to chew on. It's one thing to say you engaged in hookups in college, it is another to describe them outright to your boyfriend of several months. That in and of itself may have prompted an emotional reaction from the OP. We also don't know how old OP is, and in particular how recent college was for both of them. Did all this occur just last year or the year before, or more like a decade in the past. That's quite a relevant detail here too. Edited February 24, 2018 by Imajerk17 3
kendahke Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 Enough of the "what ifs" and "what abouts". Let's not deal in hypotheticals and speculation because we'll be here all day deflecting and distracting from the issues present. What IS is that she's had way more sexual experience in her youth than OP and he's pressed to the hilt about it. He hasn't had her level of experience, hence his attitude about being so disappointed that she didn't turn out the way he built her up in his mind to be and being afraid of what his friends will say to him about it. The minute she made it clear that she's who she is, he needed to leave; not berate her, not judge her. It's fine that he's not as experienced as her--he'll make another inexperienced woman a fine partner. But for this particular woman, being with her because he either can't or wont find someone more of his preference is a colossal waste of everyone's time because neither of them can be anyone else but who they are---and the earth isn't going to spin backwards so she can get a do-over because he's looming in her future. That's What Is here... can we stick to this instead of storytime fantasies? 3
Gaeta Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 No matter what side we're on we all agree he should break up.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 (edited) I have had a hard time in the past trusting a man I was involved with who has had multiple relationships and sexual relationships but that all changed when I decided to take my sexuality in my own hands and have my "fun". My promiscuous college years started late, in my late 20's about the time people start settling down in permanent relationships. I made up for lost time, a dry single spell of 7 years and I decided to sleep around to make up for it. Six years later, I had my first serious relationship in over a decade. I feel like if I didn't have those " promiscuous" years it wouldn't open me up to people and mature me. Sometimes you can be sexually starved and single for too long. Casual sex can be damaging if it goes on for too long but if you put a time limit on it, it can make you more experienced. In my case, it made me less judgemental of men who had more experience than me because I had gained the experience I needed in order to have a meaningful relationship. Edited February 25, 2018 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher 1
Jj66 Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 How many is a lot? I had some difficulty accepting my first wife's past. She was 10 years older than me, had numerous sexual partners, including a few adulterous relationships with married men. I decided not to break up with her even though I worried that her past showed that she had a different attitude about sex than I did. I thought she might cheat. Well, she never cheated! But I ended up falling into the arms of another woman and leaving her after 8 years together. The promiscuous woman with affairs in her background was faithful. The inexperienced guy who was almost a virgin when he met her, only sex 3 times with a woman he deeply loved, ended up being the adulterer. To my credit I didn't an affair. As soon as it happened I told her about it and asked for a divorce. But still, I was the unfaithful person. Not her. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I have had a hard time in the past trusting a man I was involved with who has had multiple relationships and sexual relationships but that all changed when I decided to take my sexuality in my own hands and have my "fun". My promiscuous college years started late, in my late 20's about the time people start settling down in permanent relationships. I made up for lost time, a dry single spell of 7 years and I decided to sleep around to make up for it. Six years later, I had my first serious relationship in over a decade. I feel like if I didn't have those " promiscuous" years it wouldn't open me up to people and mature me. Sometimes you can be sexually starved and single for too long. Casual sex can be damaging if it goes on for too long but if you put a time limit on it, it can make you more experienced. In my case, it made me less judgemental of men who had more experience than me because I had gained the experience I needed in order to have a meaningful relationship. Oh and I would just like to add by saying, when your partner wants to go into detail about their sexual partners like my ex did. How they did it, what happened and they want to share intimate details with you about it. To me, that is more disrespectful and gross than say, the actual number. 1
joseb Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 No matter what side we're on we all agree he should break up. Totally. However OP is Mia so may never see that advice... 1
act00 Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 Oh and I would just like to add by saying, when your partner wants to go into detail about their sexual partners like my ex did. How they did it, what happened and they want to share intimate details with you about it. To me, that is more disrespectful and gross than say, the actual number. I think we've all been hoping the OP would clear that up for us - whether she is volunteering this information or if the OP was grilling her for that information. I learned not to ask such things the hard way. I also find it disrespectful to offer all the details, with whom, how many, etc., but some people don't have filters and some people maybe haven't learned not to overshare. This woman, if she's volunteering this information may need to be told it's not appropriate. She's potentially going to lose a boyfriend over it. Maybe that will prompt her to be more discrete in the future, or maybe she'll find a man who doesn't care. The damage has been done with this relationship, though, I think. 1
Cullenbohannon Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 (edited) Hello all, I'm feeling really uncomfortable and nervous about posting here but since my girlfriend has been introduced to some of my friends, I don't feel safe to confide in them on the off chance that they will tell her this. My girlfriend and I started dating last summer, she and I have had our issues but when it comes down to it, I feel we have a good relationship. One thing I am finding hard to accept is the fact that she was very promiscuous in college. She openly states how she hooked up with several guys, and call me a prude or whatever, but random hook ups are something I never really understood or wanted to be a part of. I feel it is very dangerous to do such, I also feel it shows a disregard for personal safety. Sex is when we as humans are extremely vulnerable and it should be shared between two people who respect and care for each other. I have brought this up to her before, I was wondering if maybe she felt the desire to have sex with random men was because of a poor upbringing or some other underlying issue, which in that case I could understand because it isn't unusual for someone who had a painful childhood to seek comfort in such a way. But when I asked her why she desired to have her random hook ups, she just said "it was fun and that's all I wanted from the guy, he got what he wanted and I got what I wanted." When she and I have sex, I don't feel like she sees it as something special because she has done it many times before with other guys and that it isn't a special moment we share together as a couple because she has done the exact same thing with guys she wasn't with romantically nor desired to be in a relationship with. She also admitted to having been the other woman when a guy cheated on his girlfriend. She said they were both really drunk and out of the guys she hooked up with, she actually was romantically interested in him. She told me he came onto her first and that she didn't remember he was in a relationship, but I honestly find that really hard to believe. I really do like this girl, but this one thing just keeps coming back to form some sort of cloud over my view of her. I would love to hear from people who have been in the same boat. Thank you. Even though you have been "reverse slut shamed", you should not have to accept that your views on how sex and love making should be is "wrong". You believe sex is and always should be special. Some, including your gf do/did not feel that way. Does that mean your relationship is less than and should be terminated? No it doesn't. The two of you need to focus on the fact that you do not feel the intimacy between the two of you is special. Have another conversation with your gf without the need to be right or wrong. .Hopefully there will be a little more understanding from both sides. Edited February 25, 2018 by Cullenbohannon
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