Ex moved on two weeks after break-up, cheating or rebound?

[HNCN]

We were together for 4.5 years, he broke up with me 2 month ago out of the blue, or at least that's how it seemed to me.

 

Some background; our relationship had been long distance for 3 years as we lived 2 hours away and neither of us had our own cars, so relying on public transport and with our jobs it meant we only saw each other 2-4 weeks for the weekend (depending on money). Although it wasn't an ideal situation I thought our relationship was strong. Around 7 months ago I began to plan a extended holiday with friends, I invited him along and discussed it with him but he didn't feel like he'd be able/want to come but he was happy for me to go, I knew it would be a lot as I was away for 3 months but he encouraged me to take the opportunity as I probably wouldn't get to ever travel that long again. About a 1.5 months in to the holiday he did seem to be down about the situation and I tried my best to fit in Skype calls, texts whenever I could, then one day he blew up about me not making time for him.. I felt for him but at the same time It seemed unreasonable, he knew this is how it would be and if I were to do anymore than I was I'd be sitting in my room for the rest of the holiday talking to him. I understood his side of things as he was still at home, working everyday and I was away enjoying myself, it must have been hard... I tried to talk through it and it seemed like everything was ok. However during one of our Skype call he tells me he feels like 'we're more like friends than in a relationship' and our conversation ended with him telling me we should break up. I was crushed, I felt helpless because I was miles away were I couldn't really do anything to save the relationship and furthermore, this came about when I had less than 4 weeks left until I came home.. I know it's probably unreasonable but I was angry, we'd got through the first two months, why couldn't he stick out the last one and have this conversation face to face? to be dumped whilst on holiday over a phone call just seemed cold and an insult to our 4 year relationship. Safe to say the rest of my trip was awful and I didn't enjoy myself but I thought that if I gve him some space and got in touch with him when I was home maybe he would change his mind.

 

I won't lie I was still hurt and angry so I didn't contact him when I got home, it was selfish on my part but I wanted him to apologise for ending it over Skype. I became stubborn and didn't reach out .. but three weeks later I cracked, I went to contact him but then I noticed he'd added a girl who lives near him (related to one of his friends) all over social media and she had liked a few of his pictures. I should mention there was an incident when I was visiting him once where I got the feeling he had a slight crush on this girl [we walked past her one day, they sort of glanced at each other, both blushed and then she put her head down without saying anything to each other, even though he clearly was acquainted with her as his friends relative] but I brushed it off as either me being paranoid or 'hey what's the big deal, we all find other people attractive', I never saw him as the sort of person to cheat.

 

It was later confirmed to me by someone else he was now dating his girl.. if their relationship began when they added each other on social media that would mean it began just under TWO WEEKS after he broke up with me.

 

I am devastated, how can he throw away a 4 year relationship in the way that he did, with not even a proper goodbye but then also move on to someone else two weeks later, it's an insult. I feel like I must have meant nothing to him.

 

I don't know if he cheated with her whilst I was away.. or if he really just couldn't wait to start something with her once he'd ended things with me. I know either way it doesn't matter, if he wanted to be with me, he would but I'm so hurt. I don't know how to get over it. I keep thinking she's just a rebound, it means nothing.. but what If she's not? what if he liked her for a long time and all that time he's just been waiting to freed so he can make a move, maybe he hasn't wanted to be with me for a long time and just hasn't had the guts to say.

 

Whatever it is, I feel lost. I thought I would end up marrying this guy and now he's off with someone else. I've seen her, she's beautiful and I can't help but hate her and comparing myself to her, what does she have that I don't. Luckily neither of them are big into posting things online so I can save myself some of the torture but in a way that's holding me back even more because I keep telling myself 'maybe he hasn't put evidence of the relationship online because it isn't serious and she's a rebound.. yeah that will be it'

 

I don't know how to move forward. I don't really know what I'm expecting anyone to say to this.. maybe some guidance? He was my only serious relationship and I'm gutted.

Edited February 21, 2018 by HNCN

[Zahara]

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain. Even harder when the amount of time you get to see each other to maintain and sustain a bond is so few and far between.

 

This relationship was 4.5 years long -- when were you both going to bridge the gap? It's unrealistic to keep a relationship like this going strong long term.

 

Yes, there may have been some overlap between you and her and she may have been the catalyst to your breakup. It's unfortunate that he did it during your holiday and ruined your time away. It hurts to know that you may have been cheated on but at least it helps propel you forward as you do not want to be with someone like that should he be back.

 

He met someone - she was closer to him. In his mind, he now gets to have a somewhat balanced relationship with this new woman. You too now get to move on and while it hurts now, you will heal and likely meet someone that will be able to give you a relationship that allows you more normalcy and the potential to experience and cultivate more togetherness and attachment.

 

Stop looking at their social media. Block him if you think that is necessary for your healing. You're going to hurt for awhile. Grieve and lean on your friends and family for support. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Young mind]

Try to accept for now that your relationship with him is over , he moved on to someone else, unfortunately you have no control over that.

 

Yes it isn't uncommon that someone else is lined up before the actual breakup, just to Be sure they can jump boat.

 

You can't know if he cheated unless he says so, in the grand picture, you're really left with one option which is to attempt to move on, block or unfollow him so you don't need to see his updates, stay active, use whatever means you need to vent, here or a psychologist or journal in your worse days.

 

Stay strong because you only come out stronger

[HumanMachine]

I know you’re going through unbearable pain at the moment.. but trust me, them moving on so quickly will help you in the long run. Stay strong